IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 1-14-13
By Al Laiman
Jan 15, 2013 - 12:21:31 AM
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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts... RAW 1025 - 1-14-13
1. Wow, my DVR is outdated. It's letting me know that General Manager AJ runs Monday Night RAW. With none of that in mind, let's head into a special edition of RAW. Hey, maybe they'll make it a three-hour special or something! For the first time since they started that stupid voice-over thing, the opening of Monday Night RAW is a combination of all the opening themes, and even with the presence of Nickelback, it kicks serious ass. Oh wait, they're sticking with the Nickelback theme? Fortunately it's at least cut off by "No Chance in Hell" rather immediately, and... he's already in the ring? Wow, he's so on the Jobber Entrance train that he gave it to himself! McMahon has clearly brought the signature ham with him this evening. Vince does an audio version of the self-fellatio known as the WWE Did You Know by spouting off statistics. He announces that we'll see Dolph Ziggler against John Cena, but it's in a steel cage, so hopefully Ziggles can bring back the interest to that feud. A Rock Concert is also announced, but before we can hear more...
2. Well, I guess the show was getting too interesting, because the Big Show has come out. That's the way I wanted to begin the 20th Anniversary of RAW! Show says the celebration is gonna have to wait because he lost his title in a Black Hole somewhere. McMahon pokes fun at Show and is not impressed with his form of addressing him, apparently forgetting that Show has an IRONCLAD! contract. McMahon is doing the thing he seems to do with Vickie, continually cutting him off, and it's no less annoying, even when someone like Big Show is talking. McMahon shows the replay and reminds Big Show that he's MR. MCMAHON, DAMMIT! Show pisses off Houston by saying that Booker T is trying to make a hero out of ADR, which if he could pull that off, he's a JBL among men. McMahon goes all Theoden on him and asks, "What would you have me do?" Show suggests stripping ADR of the championship, and it's a Hustle copyrighted clusterfuck in the making!
3. ADR's music gets a huge pop (WHY!) and the member of the stable with an actual personality introduces the red-scarfed sudden face. I guess now he's a Mexican Aristocrat who thinks it's his destiny to be better than you, but he's gonna make funny jokes now! Del Rio suggests Big Show vs. ADR in Houston, because I guess they want me to have a nap at some point. ADR tells him to show some cajones, and JBL makes a lame line awesome by dropping in "Don't need Rosetta Stone for that one!" Show counters with the Royal Rumble Pay-Per-View challenge. At least that hopefully means neither of them will win the Rumble. At the Rumble, Show says they're going to be talking about "The Big Show... Me." Clarifying, I guess, in case we didn't know who he was. ADR continues throwing Spanish insults, and Big Show acts like a five-year-old in the grocery store who couldn't get Cap'n Crunch. ADR says they have a present for him, and I'm just hoping it's not simulated poop. Big Show actually has a funny line, or is at least just interesting by comparison, by threatening to break Ricardo's spine in half if he throws water on him. It's instead confetti, and Show attacks. Del Rio gets the best of him, and McMahon announces him as the World Heavyweight Champion with some serious ham behind it. We need to break out the HAM button already!
4. We get a throwback to the awesome Bob Barker episode before cutting to even the Intercontinental champion getting a jobber entrance because he's facing my favoritest guy ever, Randy Orton. At least they're getting the bland out of the way early. I still say Wade Barrett would make a good James Bond villain. Oh JBL, I really hope they don't have the Twitter clicker on the bottom all night. It's irritating enough that it's on all the time during the football games. It's distracting as hell. Barrett gets Orton to the outside and tries to take advantage, but Orton takes control back and does a back slam against the barricade. He actually tries a double-leg pinfall before forgetting he's the face in the match and using heel tactics to keep the heat going. That takes us into my other favorite thing, a mid-match commercial break! Jobber entrances, matches with commercials, and the Triad of Bland, oh my!
5. Barrett got the advantage with a nice kick to the outside, and has a resthold in just in time for the show to come back on. Barrett does the dumbest thing I see in nearly every wrestling match; throwing a guy into the ropes and then bending over and waiting. Barrett counters and keeps the advantage going with some high knees and more wear-down techniques. A Boo-YAY exchange takes place, although muted for this hot crowd so it's really more of a Boo-Meh exchange. Orton nails a clothesline for the hope spot before starting his cycle of trademark moves. JBL calls it vintage Orton, just in case we didn't hear Cole say it, but Barrett counters the RKO. Barrett nails the Bull Hammer and... Wow! In a huge shocking clean win, Wade Barrett goes over Randy Orton! This is of course a great time for the fan in the front row to hold up the "Cena, be my Valentine" sign... in January.
6. Eve is backstage with Teddy Long and Booker T, talking about the stipulation in the match that she's going to have. Booker T says if she walks out or gets disqualified, she will be STRIPPED... of the title. Booker's even in the HAM mood. Teddy Long is standing by, just on the off chance that a tag match needs to be made. Eve slaps him for thinking of it. That'll teach him to conjure the idea of a Diva's tag match!
7. The show just got instantly better because Anger Management's check-up is coming! Daniel Bryan suggests that they lie to Dr. Shelby to get out of class earlier. Dr. Shelby asks for a group-hug, and Hell No reluctantly accepts. Dr. Shelby asks DB what his favorite part is about Kane, and he reminds us why he's the Ham of the Year by saying that he's tall, can set things on fire, and is quite a good dancer. Kane responds that he has a great BEARD, and suggests that sometimes he wears women's clothing. Dr. Shelby decides to call in a mystery guest, and Rhodes Scholars comes in to help with trigger therapy. It's a HAM-OFF! Sandow challenges DB to defend his HAM, and Shelby goes Happy Gilmore on him and tells him to find his Happy Place. Sandow continues trying to outsmart Dr. Shelby, and he gets quite indignant. Sandow drops the Dr. Phil bomb... OH NO YOU DIDN'T! Hell No is unleashed, and a 3x 3x YES! ensues before their entrance. The HAM will be rich tonight!
8. The tag title match will take place at the Royal Rumble, and the full card is shaping up quite well instead of just the Rumble and filler for a change. Kane is facing Sandow in a singles match, and dominates the opening. Kane sets up for the Flying Clothesline, and Sandow powders like a twelve-year-old girl who just saw a spider. Sandow takes the advantage and is nice enough to do his elbow drop so that Cole can remind us of both translations, since we've never heard either of them EVER before. Kane gets a sudden comeback and gets the Chokeslam for the win, which is not the first time Kane's destroyed Sandow on the spot like that. Kane makes Daniel Bryan squee with some hesitated fire summoning, so it's almost certain that Bryan loses a singles match to Cody Rhodes either tonight or on Smackdown. Still looking forward to seeing that match again.
9. Skipping through the recap videos, and the rumors were true! Mick Foley is being inducted in the Hall of Fame! Now I'm even more excited at the prospects of being at WrestleMania, because Foley is not only one of my favorite wrestlers, but favorite writers ever. Just after Foley gets off a cheap pop, The Shield's music hits and things don't look good. Someone at ringside has a YOLO sign... Fail. Foley challenges them to come in the ring, but before they can attack Foley, RyVD comes in for a three-on-one challenge. He takes full advantage, like every other time he's tried to attack them, but Shield comes back and takes over. Randy Orton comes out to make the save, and then LOBSTERHEAD follows up. Where's Teddy Long? We got a need for a tag match! Ambrose gets a little hammy himself in selling on the way back, and Shield continues to screw with the top faces. They then show us a COMPLETE REPLAY of WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED! Okay, recapping on the hour is one thing, but they're seriously showing a COMPLETE FUCKING REPLAY! Like, in its entirety! Right after it happened! This JUST FUCKING HAPPENED! WHY ARE WE SEEING IT IN ITS ENTIRETY RIGHT AFTER IT JUST HAPPENED?!
10. Josh Matthews then interrupts Ryback's three-worded exclamation of mass quantities, and he breathes heavily into the microphone about the Shield. He says he doesn't care about conspiracy theories, which can't be good news for JBL's black helicopters. We then get more three-worded exclamations, slightly modified to fit the specifics. Riveting. Maybe they should show us an entire replay of his promo. I think enough time has passed for that.
11. A highlight video of ridiculous gimmicks, including YES! Stuttering Goldust. Bastion Booger talks about feeding him more before it was cool, and the John Cena HAM promo is even referenced with a Boogeyman appearance. Regal's MAAAAAAN theme is shown, and then one of my favorite promos of all time is shown with more stuttering Goldust, when Triple H and Ric Flair even completely lost it... Because at WrestleMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMANIA, OOOH OOH OOH! The fun is then completely sucked out of the moment by saying that a Diva's match is coming up. This show feels bipolar at times.
12. Kaitlyn is given a jobber entrance, and has a "Don't Mess With Texas" shirt on, because well... She has to get a reaction somehow. A poll says that 85 percent believe that Eve is scared of Kaitlyn. Maybe 85 percent of the people who didn't answer "Who the hell is Kaitlyn?" The Bratz title is on the line, and the Tweets ticker continues. At least it's distracting me from the Diva's Champion wrestling in her Hornswoggle gear. The commentators are so bored that they reference Lamb Chop beating out Mr. Socko for the Fruit of the Loom Hall of Fame. At least they're trying to make it interesting. In a stunning moment of suspense ala Stone Cold/Bret Hart at WrestleMania XIII, Eve locks Kaitlyn in a submission hold, and the entire crowd is at the edge of their seats wondering if Kaitlyn will be able to make it to the ropes or not. Just before she's about to pass out, the crimson mask dark and full... Wait, did Kaitlyn just interrupt my sarcastathon by kinda-sorta doing a GTS? Close falls... Will Eve get disqualified or counted out? Nope, she's going to get GORED! GORED! GORED! Wow, I'll actually give her credit there, that spear looked sick. Kaitlyn is the new Bratz champion. Yay? I'm so glad that Sandow/Kane was rushed so we'd have more time for that.
13. Backstage, Greenwood's favorite wrestler Brodus Clay is backstage, because yes he is still employed, and they call back to CM Punk's "shuck and jive" comments from last week. I guess Brodus is facing CM Punk tonight, because he makes a Pipe Bomb blowing up reference. I guess all those wins against JTG really did earn him a match against the WWE champion.
14. FUNK IS ON A ROLL! FUNK IS ON A ROLL! I just realized that Brodus is sans beard. He must've donated his to Daniel Bryan so that he could catch up with Mike Knox sooner. CM Punk is clearly not impressed with his choice of opponent, because well... Wouldn't you hope that would be who he faced on an anniversary show? The crowd is very pro-CM Punk, and Brodus gets an early advantage. Punk is nice enough to sell for the guy for a bit before hitting a springboard forearm strike. It's a shame Punk isn't still doing the straight-edge savior thing, because that would be a funny promo with Naomi over there. Punk "shucks and jives" and gets a huge pop out of it. That was awesome and deliciously HAMmy.
15. Punk gets in some cheap heat, before Brodus throws a nice T-Bone Suplex. Damn, Punk is making an effort to actually put the guy over a little bit in a match that nobody believes he's going to win. That's what a good champion is supposed to do. Punk hits the Macho Man Elbow Drop before locking in the Anaconda Vice for the win in a quick but surprisingly decent match. By that I mean of course that it wasn't a boring squash. Punk dances again, adding more to his HAM chart for the evening, especially combined with that random yelp after locking in the submission. Punk takes the mic and tells us that while we're entitled to our opinion, you can't argue with the facts. He then goes on a fact list and foreshadows the Rock Concert which will be entertaining... if you're into that sort of thing. Nice quick jab before concluding with the "fact" that Rock won't be leaving WWE Champion. Well done.
16. After the random vechicular moments of RAW, which are compiled rather awesomely, including the infamous "JBL is Poopy" limo incident, Foley is backstage and gets a bit Punk'd by The Rock before congratulating him backstage. Foley continues by starting every sentence with "Finally" before getting The Rock to start a "Finally" for the both of them before Rock goes into promo mode. You know what this moment needs? If you said Vickie Guerrero, what the hell is wrong with you, but you're right. She rambles on about something, simply setting herself up... For a non-response. I suppose that's a preview of for what we're in store?
17. IT'S A SHAMEFUL THING, LOBSTERHEAD! OVER THE TOP ROPE CHALLENGE, HOAK HOGAN! I CHALLENGE YOU TO AN OVER-THE-DIMENSION CHALLENGE AT THE NORTH POLE, HOAK HOGAN! WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN MAKING SANTA CLAUS'S VACATION WORTH IT WITH AN INTERDIMENSIONAL TOSS CHALLENGE, AS LONG AS NO QUEERIN' IS INVOLVED, HOAK HOGAN! 20 YEARS LATER, THE TERRAIN OF TESTAMENT IS GETTING READY TO RUN WILD OVER YOU, HOAK HOGAN! SUMMON THE POWERS OF HUSTLIN', FOR YOU WON'T BE DRIVING A DODGE STRATUS INTO THE LAND OF DESTRUCITY, HOAK HOGAN! I HOPE YOUR JOB AS A DISTRICT MANAGER PAYS WELL, BECAUSE I'M CRASHING THE PLANE BECAUSE OF THE OPENED COCKPIT DOOR, HOAK... HO-GAN! ANNIVERSARY! ANNIVERSARY! WHAT IS THE 20TH WRESTLING ANNIVERSARY BUT FOR A RED-HEADED STEPCHILD AND A SMILEY FACE!!!! THE QUANTITY OF CITRUS IS FAR TOO GREAT FOR THIS PARTICULAR QUADRANT!
18. Oh, my fault, I thought an actual match was going to be booked here. What is up with the non-main event booking the last two weeks? Are they making sure no one gets hurt before the Rumble by having a bunch of safe, quick matches on RAW to fill the show? Sheamus is facing 3MB, whom I'm sure has a fighting chance against the former champion face. You know, when they put these guys together, I thought they might actually finally do something with them. Sheamus throws a really nice rolling Samoan Drop while some Tweets click by, because I imagine their excitement knows no bounds with these quality bouts. After some heel heat, Sheamus easily eliminates the two non-Slaters before a BOOT TO THE HEAD!.. Oh damn, he missed. He almost eliminated himself and... Damn, I stand corrected. 3MB actually won something. Their celebration doesn't last long, and in what I have to admit is pretty cool, Sheamus goes BOOT TO THE HEAD! crazy and kicks Slater off while he's chickenfighting.
19. John Cena does his recent job of deflecting a serious question by responding with random HAM, and damn he's set on defending the Ham of the Week too. I heard a Meat and a Los Conquistadors reference. Cena even makes a throwback to the "Get the F Out" campaign. That was... interesting. He went into verse and spoke really fast, so I guess he was having some nostalgia from the Rock Concert vs. Rap-Off from last year.
20. Meanwhile, Miz comes out in a suit so bad that even my girlfriend laughs at it, and is once again trying WAY too hard. We get the recap of Shield attacking Ryback, because they didn't show it enough times yet, and Miz has Ric Flair on the show. He says that the man needs no introduction... before giving him an introduction. And the crowd goes... Lukewarm at best? Wow, did Ric Flair's nostalgia tour already run dry? Jerry has an awesome line by saying that he has more wives than Hall of Fame rings, although coming from Jerry Lawler, that is slightly ironic in and of itself. YES! Musical chairs reference! That was a hilarious opening promo back when Eugene was GM for the Week. If the HAM award existed back then, it probably would've won one. Flair also references his send-off show, which admittedly was one of the biggest tearjerking moments in the history of RAW that didn't involve someone passing away.
21. Flair and Miz get into a Really-Off, and Miz flirts with almost being a heel again... You know, when people could take him at least somewhat seriously... And they follow-up with a WOO-off. Naturally, this is a time to go into a highlight reel, and it's one of unique voices. It's actually more of a compilation of trademark phrases. A few too many modern ones, but some of my favorites were in there. YES! KAENTAI INDEED! If I can be serious for a minute! It wasn't my fault! Five second pose! That was a lot of fun, but too heavy on the newer ones. Miz tries to con Flair into saying his catch phrase, and he even makes fun of himself before going into his own schtick.
22. Cutting him off is... Cesaro? All right, this could be good. Cesaro tells Flair and Miz that they embody America. Claudio rips the both of them apart, even making fun of the crowd's cliche "U-S-A!" chant. I bet nothing's gonna go wrong for the heel on this one. Another ex-wives reference is made, and it's getting old at this point. We get it. Claudio decides to walk away before Flair and Miz double-team him. Flair is about to do the Figure-Four, takes forever, but then Miz gets to do it. Don't they usually bring entertaining segments for Anniversary shows?
23. (credit Tom Jenner). Awesome crowd sign with "Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!" Gee, Bryan's facing Cody Rhodes, I'm shocked. At least this one should be entertaining. Rhodes starts off really aggressive, working the knee that Bryan tweaked. Cole mentions that when RAW went on the air, Cody Rhodes was 8, despite an earlier Did You Know saying that he was 7, and in the time it took me to write that, Bryan won the match already? What the hell? Of all the matches they've booked tonight, why did those two get shortchanged?
24. Eve is backstage, claiming to be the victim of... something. Eve goes all Batista and quits after losing. I wonder if anyone will notice. After the commercial, the WWE Did You Know says that RAW has been viewed over four billion times. That might be really interesting... If they hadn't opened the show with it. And as they show the Del Rio celebrating graphic, they have someone in one of the Larry Sweeney memorial shirts. That was awesome.
25. AJ and Arsenio Langston are of course the two who are going to set forth wedding memories, and Kane's head comes through the mat and he Tombstones a priest. AJ overacts while Arsenio stands there and... That's it. We get another look at the renewal-gone-wrong, with an extended graphic with a sound effect on Stephanie McMahon roaring? We then get a replay of RAW 1000 when AJ ditched Bryan at the altar and became GM, which my DVR thinks is still going on. AJ freaks out because she lost it because of Cena, and Dolph brings a little HAM, saying that he's TOO! DAMN! GOOD! That sounds familiar in some way...
26. Well, it wouldn't be a RAW Anniversary without JR! JBL and JR at the commentary table, I approve. Dolph gets another jobber entrance while... YES! They kicked off Cole to let JR on! JBL says he can take it permanently if he wants. Please? Cena makes a kid's year with a shirt before stepping in the ring. Wow, this is the first cage match Ziggles has been in? Dolph takes control as the chants duel... You know? Are they even really dueling chants anymore or do they just do that out of habit? Ziggler makes a quick climb before Cena tries to do it himself. Both of them stand on the ropes for a Boo-YAY exchange with Dolph getting the pops. Both of them fall, with JR saying that it was a Sheamus landing, and... commercial. At least it hasn't been as prevalent tonight.
27. The show comes back with another Boo-YAY exchange, this time straddling the cage. Dolph tries to lean over the top, but gets pulled back, and Dolph does a freaking dropkick from the ropes. That was freaking awesome. Dolph gets in some offense before Cena hits two shoulder blocks, and Ziggles still hasn't learned to not go for a clothesline there. A failed AA gives Dolph a chance to climb out, but instead gives a glimpse of Dolphie's Gunn. A close-fall gives Dolph the chance to climb out, but Cena pulls him back. Arsenio Langston decides it's time to re-enact the tugging scene from Temple of Doom, but Cena wins the battle and locks in the STF... But Ziggler counters while showing ZOMGZBLOOD! HIDE THE CHILDREN, I DON'T THINK THEY'LL MAKE IT TIL TUESDAY!
28. With Ziggler holding in the sleeper, Cena climbs the ropes with him still attached. Before he can try to climb out while giving Dolph a piggy-back ride, Ziggles counters, I guess? He tries to climb out before seeing that Cena was ahead almost out the door, and I suppose Arsenio forgot that he should be watching that. Cena throws Dolph for a leg counter and he sells it like The Rock selling a Stunner at WrestleMania. Cena again goes for the door, but gets it smashed on his head this time. Ziggler tries climb out, but Cena skids up faster, and Arsenio Langston comes swinging a chair like a madman. Cena climbs the whole way back in, eats a ZigZag, and kicks out at two. Someone has a blinking Cena sign and it's really distracting. Dolph hits another huge DDT, but Cena again kicks out. Once again, Cena is kicking out of everything Ziggler throws at him, and AJ's fixin' to lose her mind. She starts climbing up the cage, and Arsenio comes in the ring and gets clocked with the briefcase. Cena hits the AA and goes over Dolph... Again. That's what, like 6-1 now? Good thing they paired him with AJ and Langston, that's really helping him out.
29. Time for the Rock Concert, and hopefully they can have a strong final segment to salvage the show again. Rock makes fun of himself with a Flex Kavana photo, which gets a legitimate laugh. Who would've thought at that time, he would become what he did? Wow. Rock's going to do another version of "Heartbreak Hotel" to someone who really deserves it... Paul Heyman. He sings about him not seeing his penis in years, which I'm sure the parents will love their kids singing that one tomorrow... Rock asks how the ladies are doing and while we hear a scream, they pan to a shot of a section completely non-reacting. That guy with the YOLO sign has Kaitlyn on the back of it. Double fail. Rock then calls out Vickie Guerrero for the response to her earlier statements. He sings "Wonderful Tonight" with slightly modified lyrics, and I bet the final lyric of the verse will stay the same... OH SNAP! Ugly song after a fat penis song. The second verse actually does get pretty funny though for a minute before they sing her out.
30. Rock decides to call out CM Punk, who I'm sure will be impressed with the highbrow material dished out so far. Rock goes on a Fact List of his own, continuing to both put him over while ripping him at the same time, and Rock gets a "Twiggy Tits" chant going. Family show, right? Rock goes Captain America and tells him there's only one JBL, and he doesn't dress like that. Punk rushes the ring and I guess the concert's over. The ref's do their best to break it up and naturally fail. I swear I heard Booker T say "stop this right now." Oh, I did. FINLAY SIGHTING! And... That's it. Well, the fight at the end was cool, but they better bring something strong to close out before the Rumble. The nostalgia factor isn't as strong when they've had so many nostalgia shows in the last year. Besides Orton/Barrett, a lot of it felt like filler. There were some funny segments, like the Anger Management one, but some really lame ones, like the Miz one. I try not to be as cynical sometimes, but... That had a lot of lame in it. Not to mention, Cena overcame the odds against Ziggler... again... Oh hey, interesting, listed on the cast on my DVR are Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon? With General Manager AJ? I didn't realize AJ was not only still GM, but a necromancer too.
Here is your weekly dose of Jackie!
DID SOMEONE ORDER A LARGE HAM?
There was a lot of ham tonight, but I think Dr. Shelby melting down over the Dr. Phil comment was definitely the most over-the-top. That was special.
2012 - Daniel Bryan
1-7-13 - John Cena
1-14-13 - Dr. Shelby
IN CASE YOU MISSED THE BEST OF JADED HOPE - SEASON 3