IN LAIMAN'S TERMS: 30 Thoughts About... RAW 1-30-12
1. As John Laurinaitis came to the ring to open up Monday Night RAW, I notice a fan "Flair'd" him when he tried for a handshake. It'll be great to see him again at the Hall of Fame induction. I still think he got the greatest send-off in wrestling history, and it's a shame his situation is so messed up that he couldn't leave it at that.
2. I guess it's Mike Adamle impression day, as both Laurinaitis and Cole make plenty of gaffes. Even the wrong name, "Elimination PPV" ends up trending on Twitter, and I still don't give a shit.
3. The announcement that was... well, already announced, is made about the participants in the RAW Elimination chamber match, the first announcement of two to get that treatment. The lineup is definitely a potential Smarkgasm. Kofi Kingston is in there, presumably for the token high spot. With all participants having a similar size and relatively similar style, it could make it really interesting.
4. Another gaffe as he says that Randy Orton returns in over a month, instead of making his first appearance on RAW in over a month. That would be one of those times where I wish the truth emulated what he said.
5. As CM Punk sings that wrestling cliche song to departing members of the organization, it occurs to me that a lot of people may not even realize that is an actual song. Then again, had it not been for a guy on my baseball team and one of his weird compilation CDs, I wouldn't know either.
6. Punk calls Laurinaitis a ham sandwich. I suppose Johnny made that sandwich from the large ham I gave him back on 1-16...
7. Johnny asks CM Punk to start anew, and CM Punk is DEFINITELY Not Impressed.
8. Adding to what Hustle would call a clusterfuck I'm sure, Daniel Bryan says the following: "I'm a Vegan, I don't even eat meat!" Because I guess that wasn't implied through being a Vegan. Then again, this is the same organization that had to add an H to Seamus so wrestling fans would know how to pronounce it.
9. Speaking of Sheamus, the Royal Rumble winner gets an enormous pop as he walks out to proclaim his intention to win one of the titles at Wrestlemania. There's definitely an interesting angle with Danielson and Sheamus, having been left off last year's Wrestlemania card.
10. Hey, did you know Wade Barrett has a skybox?
11. No seriously, did you notice? Did they pan to it enough?
12. Let's do a split screen to remind you that Wade Barrett is in the skybox.
13. Better yet, let's show him on camera as Josh asks him a question, because we don't know by now that Wade Barrett is in a skybox.
14. Did I mention Wade Barrett is in a skybox?
15. Dolph Ziggler has become the workhorse of the WWE. Even in losing cleanly to Randy Orton, I believe he has established himself as a main-eventer. The only way I'd enjoy his matches more is if Vickie Guerrero wasn't doing her banshee impression at ringside. I haven't been this annoyed with a screaming manager since Melina.
16. Okay, I totally marked out like a little kid when they used the original Kane theme for the recap. Not even the second one with the extra organ piped in, the original. If only they brought back the original entrance overall, I would be quite happy.
17. Tyler Reks gets in more offense than all previous opponents combined against Brodus Clay, but Brodus... Well, I don't know any other way to put it... Hulks up and ends the match. Seriously, time for more than squash matches now, please. Or at least a match longer than the entrance.
18. In a match I've been anticipating since Danielson was signed, Punk and Daniel Bryan go one-on-one. As they duel with European Uppercuts on the outside, it only makes me anticipate the eventual debut of Claudio Castagnoli. Call him Antonio Cesaro all you want, he'll always be CC to me.
19. I missed chops. I guess the "WOO!" chants are acceptable now.
20. Not only was Danielson/Punk an amazing televised match, but the Jericho involvement kick-starts the feud many predicted would fall out of the Royal Rumble with Jericho and Punk. I see no problems with this.
21. R-Truth is at ringside for the Miz's match against Kofi Kingston, and I can only assume that shenanigans are in order. Hearing Michael Cole use the phrase "got got" makes babies cry.
22. I have to admit, I never thought I would hear the word "dichotomy" used on a wrestling show.
23. "Usedta is a Roosta from Brusta!" Automatic winning of the ham, nothing can possibly top that. Although, seeing as I'm whiter than Casper in an Alaskan winter, all I can hear is Chris Tucker... "What the hell did you just say?"
24. Beth Phoenix finally defends the Bratz championship belt, and wins the match in the time it took me to write that sentence. Not that I'm complaining about that, but it was just ridiculously simple after six months of cheap roll-up wins.
25. The hints are all there for the Cena heel turn, and if it was too subtle for you, the announcers were there to remind you that Cena seemed to be enjoying inflicting pain every eight seconds. Just like Wade Barrett was in the skybox... Just thought I'd say that again, just in case you forgot.
26. I just noticed there's a #RAW in the upper left corner of the screen, because apparently all the other mentioning of Twitter throughout the rest of the show just wasn't enough to let you know that people on Twitter apparently talk about RAW.
27. As Triple H started teasing Johnny about doing anything, I think everyone in the building was thinking of the club that makes Bruno Sammartino angry... The Kiss-My-Ass club. Now he couldn't say it, because it's PG, but he could make reference to it, because that's better I suppose?
28. I'll give him credit though. This is the same guy who dropped the contents of a porta-potty on the Spirit Squad five years ago, so he hasn't always been the master of subtlety. I wonder if he still gives Dolph Ziggler shit about that... Pun most definitely intended.
29. The show goes off the air with Undertaker making his return... Which was spoiled for me on Facebook, but I digress... Looking to re-enact the famous "no word promo" from last year's Wrestlemania build-up. The only twist is that Triple H walks out before accepting the challenge or firing Mr. Laurinaitis for another week.
30. The Road to Wrestlemania is underway, and it's a wonderful time of year. I really hope we're not going to see ten minute videos of Cena and the Rock every episode of RAW, but everything else seems to be in full swing. A good post-RAW show with unlimited potential to grow.
DID SOMEONE ORDER A LARGE HAM?
1-9-12 - R-Truth
1-16-12 - John Laurinaitis
1-23-12 - William Regal
1-29-12 - Ricardo Rodriguez
1-30-12 - R-Truth
As I said, nothing can top that line, even if I have no idea what the hell it means.
I'm very glad that so many of you responded to my Royal Rumble review, even if most of you didn't agree with my positive assessment of it. If you haven't noticed by now, I try to take a positive perspective as much as I can, and some of you seem to appreciate that. I'm from Cleveland; I have to be a foolish optimist sometimes. Hope you enjoyed this week's edition of ILT and Jaded Hope, see you next Thursday.
