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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #309 - Thoughts on RAW - 7-31-17
By Marissa Laiman
Jul 31, 2017 - 11:15:00 PM

Posted by Ris Laiman on Tuesday, May 2, 2017


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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #309 - Thoughts on RAW - 7-31-17

1. Subtle, Cole. "If Roman Reigns were to pin, say, Braun Strowman, Brock Lesnar would lose the title." Cheer for him a little harder, Colester.

2. Paul, go sit in the Pun Corner and think about what you've done.

3. Paul Heyman narrates while Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar vaguely stare around. Brilliant segment though, because the faces say it all.

4. Lesnar's been asked to pay the ultimate price? If he loses he leaves WWE? Are they really heading toward this UFC thing that I heard about already?

5. Any segment with Lesnar where he doesn't speak is usually better than one where he did. But Paul was brillaint as usual, and I loved every second of it.

6. Oh goodie, are we getting more people on commentary to talk shit? We haven't had enough of that. At least it's the Revival, so the snark will no doubt be high.

7. Now we've got the Club Sandwich against the Hardyz, because they were too distracted to continue taking advantage.

8. References to weird ass things that Matt Hardy on Twitter? Please mean that's a hint toward things to come! Love Corey Graves saying he TOSed him for it too.

9. Is Monday Night RAW about to roll on? I feel like it's about to roll on. Yep! It's rolling on live!

10. This return to focus on a tag team wrestling feud that isn't just because titles, I've really enjoyed it in the last few weeks. Not all feuds need to be about being the champions and nothing else.

11. Jeff Hardy kicks Matt out of the Magic Killer, the gets punched right in the fuck for it. Doc then breathes sweat heavily at him, but ends up losing to the Twist/Swanton combo. Fun opening match. A good opening segment and match? I'm confused! Booker T then struggles to name what year it is and what years come after about how the Hardyz are still in business.

12. The Hardys and Revival yell back and forth and then get in a fight. I know because Booker T told me "it's a fight." The Hardyz then clean house on the stage. After the struggles they've had, it's nice to see them returning to form. Then Jeff running off the two foot high ramp garners a Hell in a Cell-level reaction from Cole. That's clearly the most dangerous stunt he's ever pulled.

13. Someone's getting interviewed, and his name is Dean. We like Dean. But he still doesn't trust Crossfit Jesus, even though he's conceding more than he did before. They are totally never ever getting back together.

14. Meanwhile, in CFJ walks through a hall, Cesaro and Lobsterheard talk about their Odd Couple love story. For some reason. CFJ turns the 180 and goes HAM central! Gee, is this gonna end in Dean and CFJ winning the tag titles despite not trusting each other? Stay tuned!

15. Oh goodie, a random six-Cruiserweight tag match. It was about time we had one of those to waste time again.

16. Daivari's calling himself a Sheik now, because why the fuck not?

17. This has been one helluva match. If only there was a reason to care about it. I don't know what can be done to fix this division at this point. It all seems completely random, and while random wrestling matches can be fun, there needs to be a point too. Very good match all the same.

18. Gotta make sure Titus gets that selfie in! Cause... Reasons.

19. Jason Jordan is on MizTV. We're not wasting any time putting him in the big spots, eh? Okay, let's see where this goes.

20. There's a little of that Cleveland flair, Miz. It is the land of our perpetual broken dreams. Though honestly, I only hate the sports teams. The people have never been anything but kind to me.

21. What the JBL is up with that new entrance music? The Alpha theme was awesome. This one sounds like it was performed last night on the keyboard A-Ha used for the original version of "Take on Me." That's one helluva music deep cut, I know.

22. I think Axel and Dallas are morphing into completely different people. Miz essentially offers him a place in the MIztourage. Jordan smiles and awkwardly nods through it. Miz is on fire lately, and has so much damn presence. Brilliant, Miz talking about people leeching off new success while doing that just the same. Fantastic subtext.

23. Jordan's got some work to do, but he's not bereft of potential. This may be really difficult for him, going from a forgotten tag team to in the ring with one of the best talkers in the business. Listen to Miz talking shit about getting a job from pity. Holy shit, Miz.

24. "Say what you want about me, but don't you dare talk about my Dad!" Jordan then dodges a Miz attack and does a three-for-one suplex. That was a lot better than he did talking.

25. Ooh, pre-programmed Reigns promo. Even Two Steps From Hell can't make it interesting.

26. Hey look, CFJ is walking through the hall again. What is he on, the fucking West Wing?!

27. What the... Did Laura Jane Grace in 2002 just dub over CFJ's theme by screaming "BURN IT DOWN!!!!" Or is it a reference to the old RAW theme?

28. Like there wasn't enough crazy ex-girlfriend vibe to this, Graves just described teaming with Ambrose that way. I hate the old "soap opera" cliche, but this and the Jordan angle aren't helping.

29. CFJ gets the win with a surprise victory, and holy shit, shocking, Cesaro attacks afterward immediately. Will Dean make the save? The crowd is absolutely begging for it. Will they get what they want?

30. We get the tease with them walking away, but the crowd pop gives it away. It turns into a mugging for him too. We're not supposed to laugh about Dean getting the Neutralizer with his shirt pulled over his head, but I am anyway.

31. I hate prepackaged videos, but Joe somehow manages to make his awesome, because of course he does.

32. Next, the silliest graphic to use for a preview you can imagine, Bray showing us how a crab walks. It sure is.

33. Yay, it's storytime with Bray! He's gonna tell us scurrrrry ghost stories in the dark! At least there aren't any Powerpoint projections of bugs.

34. They're working the name of the city into the promos more than usual tonight. Better make sure the crowd stays engaged. Bray says he's everywhere. Everywhere? EVVVVVEERRRYYYYYWHERE!

35. What the hell is he even talking about? if this means a return of the Demon King, I'm down, but still...

36. Then he paraphrases Chumbawumba, and collapses into a heaping pile of giggles.

37. Is it weird that I expected Bray's promo to end with "Holla if Ya Hear Me?"

38. We get a Demon King tease, and he Sabu's his way in. Bray goes over the top, even for him, but Finn's in his regular getup. That was awesome. They're taking their time with the Demon King reveal this time. You know, what they should've done the first time around, but that was a year ago so we don't have to acknowledge that.

39. Here we go, essentially giving away the match sans Lesnar. I bet Lesnar in no way gets involved and attacks all three of them. Question though, for Braun... Not to be semantic, but how do you puddle bruises? Just curious. And Graves makes the Sir Gregor comparison I've been making since his re-debut! Awesome!

40. Roman comes out last. What a shock.

41. How close are we to PPVs being in the same place every year all the time? And is the consistency of that a good idea or no?

42. The fact that it's Strowman screaming it doesn't change it sounding like him saying "Nuh-uh, my yard! I called it first!"

43. "Reigns and Joe have been in the ring enough times that they know what to expect." Same with Strowman and Reigns. Having people face each other repeatedly, especially when it's 3/4 of a main event of one of your biggest shows of the year? How does that leave you with somewhere to go for the event itself? I don't get it.

44. Don't forget, we add Bork Laser to this match in three weeks. He doesn't have to wrestle tonight though. He just has to have Heyman narrate for him for reasons that have nothing to do with a UFC guy saying a thing.

45. I don't want Roman Reigns to ooze anything. But whose yard is it?!?!?! Whawhawhaaaaa.

46. Look at all that moisture flying out of Roman's hair as Strowman does whiplash things in the corner at him. That's a lot of baby oil.

47. Wow. Roman Reigns gets another clean win on RAW. Big surprise. Better keep trying to milk this cow. Maybe it'll eventually work. And Joe took the fall because of course he did.

48. Now we're on to Big Show and Big Cass. Wouldn't want to save that match for a PPV.

49. Backstage, Enzo seems to have dropped his entire voice persona to apologize to the Big Show.

50. Elias Sampson introduces himself as just Elias. Is Sampson headed the way of so many dropped names. He's getting a pretty big pop as the former Logan Shulo.

51. Kalisto's music interrupts him, because oh hey, we haven't seen him in a while. Gee, I wonder who has a shot on this one. The guy getting wins over Finn Balor, or the guy we haven't seen in weeks.

52. Must be downtime. Let's have the Tweeter Ticker Tacker Carefully Selected Tweets of Boredom talk about a match that's not happening. Elias asks who wants to walk with him, mostly because they're wondering who stole his name. Maybe Cesaro has some insight. Or Neville. Or Big E.

53. Kalisto's comeback has all the heat of Lake Superior in December. Wow, Elias won. Surprise of the show.

54. It's someone's chance to be a guest at this time. As opposed to any other time. And Alexa laughs at either lace or the fact that she gets to face Bayley again. How did that "bringing the extreme out of Bayley" thing go over, by the way?

55. Bayley vs. Nia again. Yayyyyy...

56. Pure Country? I'm gonna leave that for GAM to take care of.

57. Time for recaps! Yay recaps!

58. Let's build up this match like it hasn't happened a countless number of times already, and it's going to have the exact same mentality that it did the other times, when it was Charlotte who was champion. Does this mean Bayley gets to lose via the legdrop thing cleanly again?

59. JBLdamn, this show is long...

60. Yep, it's pretty much the same match we expected. No wonder the crowd is so dead that I forgot I was watching the show for a minute or two.

61. Alexa gets involved, and then Bayley does something really stupid and keeps up the attack. Bayley sidesteps, gets back in the ring, and Bayley wins. What a powerful way to go into a title match...

62. Cass and Show's gonna be the main event? And Cass is afraid to... um... swear? Okay. I'll pretend that and the overannunciation thing made sense. Why not.

63. More recaps! Yayyyyyy recaps! So glad they need these to fill the time.

64. What the hell is Enzo talking about? I need to go to bed.

65. Cass's new theme: works. Sounds like something that belongs in the main event. Jordan's new theme: sounds like they picked Additional Generic Theme number 56 off WWE 2K18. I don't video game much, but I know when I hear a bland dud.

66. This match reminds me of the Show/Strowman encounter. A lot of yelling and slamming. If it ends with a ring collapse again though...

67. Psychology and tactics were not what I was expecting from this match. And I think Pittsburgh is just... tired. How did this match get the main event over the triple threat though? Just curious.

68. Damn, is it the lights or is that arena only half full?

69. Cass hits the big boot and then falls and glares in the corner. I know I used to call him Edge-on-Stilts, but he has never looked more like Edge than he did at that moment. Enzo then USELESSLY does the EXACT same thing he did last week and gets kicked in the fuck. This is sad. It's not entertaining anymore when one person gets the one-up on every single encounter. Show hits the KO Punch anyway, sorta. That's how it ends.

70. The first two hours of this show were pretty good, but JBLdamn did the third hour DRAAAAAAAAAG. If they need that many recaps and side promotions to fill three hours, just make the first hour a preview show or something. It's too long and it can't be filled.


Bray for his demon-caused giggle fit. Honorable mention to CFJ for going total 180 in his conversation.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz
5-9-17 - The Usos
5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill
5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze
5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt
5-29-17 - Alexa Bliss/Ohai Bayley
5-30-17 - Fashion Files
6-5-17 - The Miz
6-26-17 - Paul Heyman
6-27-17 - The Ascension
7-3-17 - TROOF
7-10-17 - Paul Heyman
7-17-17 - Crossfit Jesus
7-18-17 - Randy Orton
7-24-17 - Kurt Angle
7-25-17- Chris Jericho
7-31-17 - Bray Wyatt

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact patorrez@patorrez.com.

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