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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #307 - Thoughts on RAW - 7-24-17
By Marissa Laiman
Jul 24, 2017 - 11:40:00 PM

Posted by Ris Laiman on Tuesday, May 2, 2017


Marissa's Website
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Email - rismcwriting@gmail.com

My newest novel, Voice in the Dark, with contributions from Dan Arel, Noah Lugeons, Matthew O'Neil, Karen Garst, Melina Barratt, and Dr. Gleb Tsipursky, is available for pre-order and will be released on July 14, 2017. A percentage of the proceeds go to Wolves Den in Flint to help the water protectors there.

IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #307 - Thoughts on RAW - 7-24-17

1. Maybe it's just because I am autistic and speech tics annoy me, but why does the first person on RAW have to welcome us to the show? Does anyone in attendance or tuning in not know what they're watching in this day and age? Is it the generic cheap pop that they didn't have to make town-specific? I don't get it. At least I don't have to hear Stephanie's bad dad impression.

2. Kurt was just afraid, in fact he was terrified. Kept thinking he could never live without Jason by his side.

3. Before Kurt can continue with his obviously scripted to the world soliloquy, Roman, er Braun, er Strowman Braun, makes the first of many interruptions of Monday Night Interruptions, PTI. The music guy has to be pissed with how many people he has to cut the mic for, right? Like Braun's sitting there going "I don't care that he's speaking right now, hit the sound!

4. There is money in Brock vs. Braun, and a four-way. If they leave him out, they're as oblivious as they were when they insisted on ADR winning at Summerslam.

5. Joe's next. Gee, will Roman be next?

6. DC loves them some Joe! I've spent time with Joe so I've gotten to know him a bit outside of the ring, but I love that he still has the absolute presence of a badass, even not being the size of someone like Braun. His voice and sense of snark combine for a great rebuttal to Braun's growling.

7. You don't fear Brock, I don't fear Brock morer!

8. Oh wow, Roman's here. What a shock.

9. "Look at the eyes; they never lie." (In reference to Roman having no fear.) How can you tell? He has the same one expression that he always does.

10. "You ain't done anything" to the guy who keeps beating the shit out of him. I guess that means beating you ain't nothin', Roman. Great cover on how much Philly hates you though.

11. Kurt turns the HAM way up, even for him. And he changes his mind more than my 9-year-old daughter. He decides who they're gonna face, and it's all of them. A Fatal-Four Way match, a name that they came up with when that was a rare thing.

12. Joe is NOT a fan, and he gets in a screaming match with Kurt. But all Braun cares about is piling bodies. Okay, Roman has kind of a cool line there. "Oh shut up, ::smack in the fuck::" At least this is already more fun than last night. However, most things are more fun than that.

13. Joe and Roman double team Braun, and then Joe cheap-shots him with a Gotcha, or as they called it, being like an assassin. Clearly the same thing.

14. Now Braun is beating the shit out of security in front of the GM. Someone pulls a Joey Styles. Joe gets the Clutch on Braun rather effectively, and the whole tag division comes out to do something about it. Roman then is awesome for twice in one night and spears the fuck out of Braun while everyone's on him. Then Reigns throws all the other stars out, but it looks like they're all heel, so it's cool.

15. Elias Samson gets his regular spot after the opening segment, in some ways making him technically the Becky Lynch of RAW.

16. He's the guitar guy, at the party. He's only playing three chords so... he can make EYE CONTACT! Did he ever tell you that your eyes look like SPACE CRYSTALS? Insert local insult for good measure!

17. Oh, that tape means "injured shoulder?" I didn't realize Cesaro's had an injured shoulder for like three years. He should really take some time to rehab that!

18. Wait, how did Elias win that charm? Please, tell me again!

19. Regardless of the results of any of these matches, Samson is getting put over huge here by being in these matches.

20. Stinger! Bray Warrant with the assist! Thanks for that one, Cole! I needed a good nickname for him! This is how a crab watches a demon get pinned! It sure is!

21. Bray Warrant is trying desperately to make up for the horrible Orton feud. Though Orton's current feud is so bad that I think it's hurting this one by proxy.

22. If Jason Jordan got moved to RAW because Daddy, why couldn't they bring Gable too? Wouldn't Daddy Kurt have the power to do such things?

23. Bayley and the Hardyz like Sonic dogs amidst totally natural non-promotional conversation? Well I'll be!

24. Let's get a full recap of awkwardy awkward. Good thing the interview was a Network exclusive that they're totally showing on the not Network right now though. It's almost like those words are supposed to mean things.

25. Kurt gushes more like this is a Network special and not an episode of RAW, and now he's interrupted by... Emma? Whaaaa? She gets a match with Nia Jax, because Nia Jax is the 2017 female version of 2004 Eric Bischoff's Kane.

26. Meanwhile, in Bizarro Land, Enzo asked Big Show for help? I think? Remember when Big Show was a backstage mentor like that one time? Remember how they followed up on that? How's that Crews guy doing?

27. Speaking of Bizarroland, that Mike's Hard Lemonade commercial was something out of Douglas Reynhold's Spaceology video. Ding.

28. Sometimes I think the crowd just likes singing along, no matter who it is. Is that the case with Enzo, or is he genuinely over?

29. I don't think I've ever heard Enzo doing the "SAWFT" thing before, but I guess it is his to keep. Right?

30. For a minute, I thought the T-1000 was coming out with Cass's music, but then I remembered that Ryback isn't around anymore.

31. Where does this go from here? Does Enzo have a future as anything but a Santino-level popular enhancer?

32. The "asshole!" chant. Look at the clock, 1999 already! And Cass mocking the old Enzo Amore/Seven Nation Army chant! I'm enjoying the hell out of this.

33. Big Cass wins unceremoniously... Again. Okay.

34. Big Show comes out to make the save and he threatens to... Snap his neck?! Holy JBL, that escalated quickly!

35. Big Show gets the fuck beaten out of him because he didn't want to see a freaking murder committed. But then Graves asked how many superstars have treated the Big Show this way, taunting him during a beatdown. I hear a voice from the Fashion X Files room talking about how the Boss Man once interrupted a funeral with a giant megaphone and a cop car, but that could just be the wind.

36. Alexa's eye shadow is my life now. Excuse me, guys. I need to go find out who her makeup artist is...

37. Oh no, an interview with a heel champion before a contender's match. What's she gonna say? It doesn't matter who wins because I'll win either way? Yeah, pretty much. What are the odds on a no-contest that leads to another triple threat match? Asking for a friend.

38. Thanks for coming, Emma. There's a dancing theme in the back somewhere for you.

39. Tozawa gets the same formulaic backstage interview that anyone gets anymore, and it's 205 stuff, so I'm tuning out.

40. He doesn't get there right away, and Titus is there to be a killjoy and stop Tozawa from having fun.

41. Tozawa makes his entrance anyway, with late cued music, and then slaps Titus for reasons. The drama.... Stay tuned!

42. Why does Axe have the same commercial, down to "don't, it's weird" just with different actors. What is this, Sunny D?

43. Ohai, Neville? No title match this week? Holy shit, is he still talking? Nope, Daivari's gonna Strowman the shit out of them. Fair enough.

44. Meanwhile, at the Legion of the Women's Revolution, Sasha doesn't seem to be focusing any more than that guy randomly texting in the background.

45. Every time that Queen of the South promo plays and she says "Do I have your attention now?" I remember the Money in the Bank 2011 hype video and CM Punk saying it. And then I think of everything that was wasted after it.

46. Has Shane really been back this long? Damn! I like that he makes himself somewhat scarce. It keeps you from getting tired of him. And of course, one recap leads to another recap, because filler is bae to this show. Be sure to play almost the entire segment too, because reasons.

47. I see an interviewer, and for once it wasn't "please welcome my guest at this time..." Is that allowed? Is it like the Superman Punch without the cocked wrist?

48. In another backstage segment, now it's time for the Shield reunion, be sure to remind us all that's what it is there too!

49. Booker never made any friends in this business?! Um... Goldy's on line 2?

50. With a little throwback to the ironwoman match, Sasha's taken the natural heel role. If only Izzy were there to make it Vicki-level heat. "EXCUUUUUUUUSE ME... ya little bitch!"

51. When did Colonel Sanders become discount Most Interesting Man in the World guy?

52. Sasha and I have almost the same hair shade now. They cut to a view of Corey, who is staring out into nothingness like he's pondering the meaning of life and only getting some hiss from Jerry back there. Check, check.

53. What needs to happen to get Bayley to the levels of over that she was on NXT? Will it take some time away and then having to start over, or is it pretty much DOA at this point? Not that she's not great, and not that she isn't going to be fine, but it's definitely not the same.

54. Bank Statement with a reverse Bank Statement. That is some serious hold there!

55. Any time friends face, their friendship of these friends instantly gets friendship disappearing friendship of best of friends agony ending. Like remember that Hardyz feud? Have you seen those two lately? Clearly haven't talked in ages.

56. Cole's asking a question. Are we getting another commercial break? No, better make sure Alexa still doesn't have an opinion because Heel.

57. What a hell of a sequence? And thank merciful fucking JBL we got a clean finish for a contender's match. Will this be the impetus of a heel turn for Sasha? if so, who else does it leave for faces?

58. But how long has it been since Dean and Crossfit Jesus teamed up?!

59. Curt Hawkins only gets a "please welcome." He doesn't get to be a guest. He's so gonna lose. He's facing Jason Jordan, so yep, definitely going to lose.

60. Good, they kept Jason's kickass entrance theme. But what the hell is on his singlet? Is that a parrot? I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm legit confused.

61. Even with this silly angle, Jordan could very easily become a star like his storyline father, though Cole just called his opponent "Kurt Angle" as in "Jordan tossing Kurt Angle around." Cole, travel lag catching up to you?

62. Thanks for coming, not-Kurt Angle. Your check is in the mail and on a milk carton.

63. Even in-ring interviews have the "at this time" line. But it's in the ring, so it's different! I really miss old school backstage interviewers who seemed like they care. Renee is the closest we have, I think.

64. They know what she's gonna say because they're professional, not because like football announcers at halftime, everyone gets the same exact questions every single time. "What do you think you need to do in the second half?" "How did you feel when this happened?" "What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

65. Club Sandwich are facing The Revival? Heel vs. heel tag match? No, wait, they're appealing to the crowd, so they're face now. I guess.

66. Are they gonna reference the #BeatUpJohnCena joke?! Nope, but there was a similar joke before, so close enough. But then they ruin it by going Ogre on them. Delightful.

67. "The best team IN the globe?" How do you become a team in the globe? You haven't been hanging out with Flat-Earthers, have you Corey? You're better than that shit.

68. Finally, there's the Hardyz theme! Pardon the Interruption! The Club Sandwich toss Revival out of the ring and then stare up. Seems like a bad decision. It is. Revival wins.

69. Interesting to hear Maryse/The Miz talking shit on Hollywood, given... Nevermind, too easy.

70. Oh no, Mizzyface, you did NOT just steal "IT!" #JerichoInventedThat

71. So they're gonna have a triple threat match with three of the four who will be in the Summerslam main event next week, and we can't figure out why PPV matches don't feel like a big deal anymore. Weird.

72. Ah, Pittsburgh... Yes, land of broken dreams for generations of Clevelanders everywhere. At least Corey called out Booker for a lack of consistency throughout the show. Thank you! Now if we can just get you all to call people the right names...

73. Did JoJo just call Miz's wife "Maurice?" or am I really that out of it now? To be fair, the Punjabi Prison match could do that to anyone.

74. This is easily my favorite storyline/feud of RAW right now. This used to be what was great about Smackdown, but last night gave me flashbacks of Great American Bash 2004, so I'm ashamed to admit that I watched it.

75. Look at Axel getting so intense! When was the last time that happened, the New Nexus?!

76. Hard not to laugh at Corey Graves responding to Curtis Axel's rhetorical taunts, and I mean that in a good way. Question though, when did Bo Dallas become skinny Rhyno?

77. I again reiterate from previous posts, is anything EVER going to come from Miz stealing Daniel Bryan's moves? Or are the commentators just going to remark on it the first time it happens and then we move on?

78. Someone gets a well-received hot tag, and his name is Dean. We like Dean. The crowd is aching for this comeback of the Shield, as well as who coordinated a main event match where the most color is Dean's Brett Favre jeans. Real. Comfortable. Ambrose. Hey, his t-shirt steals slogans, so can I!

79. Crossfit Jesus makes a damn close save on a near-fall. Beautiful moment of tension there too!

80. Dean gets the clean win, and I admit to having mixed feelings about it. On one hand, one upper midcarder vs two. On the other, it was still three-on-two. This looks more about the progress of the storyline though, with CFJ desperately trying to celebrate with his friend. His face shows so much regret. CFJ is killing this storyline. Dean refuses the fist taunt, so they don't give us everything in one night. Great long-term storytelling. If only the rest of the shows and this show could get that consistently.

81. And in the most randomness of the night, a giant sign of ranch dressing? Yep, I definitely don't know what real life is anymore.

82. Overall, miles better than the wrestling experience last night. I paused the show just so I could watch Game of Thrones when it aired. No regrets. Tonight, it had some pretty good stuff in it, but the problem is even a somewhat good show seems long and drawn out with this run time and the infinite filler.


Not a lot of it for RAW, surprisingly. Gotta give it to Kurt though for randomly turning it up. Bonus to Michael Cole for his grace with names.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz
5-9-17 - The Usos
5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill
5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze
5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt
5-29-17 - Alexa Bliss/Ohai Bayley
5-30-17 - Fashion Files
6-5-17 - The Miz
6-26-17 - Paul Heyman
6-27-17 - The Ascension
7-3-17 - TROOF
7-10-17 - Paul Heyman
7-17-17 - Crossfit Jesus
7-18-17 - Randy Orton
7-24-17 - Kurt Angle

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact patorrez@patorrez.com.

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