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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #302 - Thoughts on SD Live - 6-27-17
By Marissa Laiman
Jun 27, 2017 - 10:00:40 PM

Posted by Ris Laiman on Tuesday, May 2, 2017


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My newest novel, Voice in the Dark, with contributions from Dan Arel, Noah Lugeons, Matthew O'Neil, Karen Garst, Melina Barratt, and Dr. Gleb Tsipursky, is available for pre-order and will be released on July 14, 2017. A percentage of the proceeds go to Wolves Den in Flint to help the water protectors there.

IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #301 - Thoughts on SD Live - 6-27-2017

1. Dear Smackdown, please don't suck. Please no Ball Family segments. Wait, that's saying the same thing twice... Nevermind.

2. The buildup hype package of this show seems like a: Whoops, we really thought you'd like that Money in the Bank show. Guess not? Jingly keys, jingly keys! Let's do that Women's Money in the Bank match over again, kthnxbye.

3. And the Yes Man opens up the show, once again reminding everyone what a real pop is. Weird, is that Carmella in the seats behind Bryan's head?

4. Wait, so how did someone who wasn't wrestling at all get a shot at the champion while these women have to compete in two ladder matches for the chance? I'm confused.

5. Speaking of that, Carmella comes out and starts her promo twice. That's nice.

6. Can Victoria and Stevie Richards come by just to ninja kick Ellsworth in the chin?

7. Carmella makes quite a bit of sense here. Making up rules after the fact? Jingly. Motherfuckin'... KEYS!

8. Oh yay, let's appeal to the WWE Universe to give them the illusion of choice! What if they reacted the opposite of the way he wanted? Treat it like a Roman Reigns pop and pretend it didn't happen? Probably.

9. Uh oh, Cliche Heel Lines 101, "you people make me sick!" At least Ellsworth seems to be getting some Vicki heat. Ellsworth calling out Daniel Bryan is pretty ballsy, even if he technically doesn't compete anymore. Bryan's laughing about it is pretty hysterical in and of itself. At least four local indy guys get to show up and chase Ellsworth in laughable fashion. Ellsworth even summoned his inner Vince McMahon-1998 ring swim motion for the occasion.

10. Okay, I don't care if it would break kayfabe, how in the 90's boyband hair-parting FUCK can you not have the Benny Hill theme cued up with Ellsworth trying to run away?!

11. "Tonight, it's A Money in the Bank rematch?" Pretty sure there's more than one.

12. Oh goodie, a Hype Bros match! That's a thing again, eh?

13. I fully admit that I just may not get it. That's the case a lot of the time. I don't get what Day One Ish means either, so I'll remain gleefully oblivious.

14. The crowd's chanting back with the "We Ain't Hype!" thing, so what the hell does this oblivious chick know?

15. Of all the matches to get the picture-in-picture commercial break, it's this one? Will they at least do this for the ladder match too?

16. The Broski Boot missed? Wow, stop the presses? And we come back just in time to see Zack Ryder get pinned unceremoniously? What the hell was the point of that?

17. It's the New Day before Zack Ryder can even roll out of the ring in pants so red that it breaks the color filter. Xavier for HAM just for saying "Oh, honeyyyyyy!"

18. I'm not sure if Kofi's diss was worth that reaction, but that reaction to anything was fantastic. And then, frakking Byron Saxton actually says "Usos got served." Look at the time, 2003 already.

19. Fashion Vice now? What won't these guys do? Best part of Smackdown Live still since I've been gone, apparently.

20. Have they explained the random pictures of wrestlers? Big Boss Man, old school uniform, once again. The Ascension have to deny that stick figure drawings are them. Wow, two tickets to Paradise. But they only listen to grindcore thrash metal, whatever that is. I think I heard it right. And Tyler Breeze has squirtguns. If these guys don't win HAM of the Year, I'll be very impressed.

21. Someone trashed their office, which includes... Hornswoggle in sunglasses, Dusty... This thing is the WWE Where's Waldo. And they very subtly take those Eddie Money tickets. Much as I liked that, I think Ascension might get it for playing along.

22. The women are getting featured on TV prominently this week. Kudos, WWE.

23. I legit thought Naomi was Delirious for a few seconds.

24. For a minute, I thought this was going to be a 90s flashback with an evening gown match. Naomi, conversely, appears to be inspired by Trix yogurt... Which I just stole from Aiden because he informed me that was, in fact, a thing.

25. Holy leg press kickout, and holy HAM 2-Count react, Batman!

26. Wait, what? That was it? What. Was. The. Point?! Building up another match involving a champion that amounts to diddly fucking shit? Can we only have focus on one match in this entire show? And once again, I ask... How did someone who lost in two minutes get a shot when the other women have to fight in, not one, but two ladder matches to get a shot? What sense does this make?

27. Meanwhile, Steampunk Clementine talks about getting to cash in, though we don't address how Lana cashed in with having, as far as I know, no televised matches prior. Sure, we know who she was, but only in the context of Rusev shittalking aid.

28. Now, Aiden English is getting the Ken Kennedy spotlight. We're about to see a squash. Someone hears voices in their head, so yeah, Randy wins.

29. We come back, and... Orton dispatched of him during the commercial after telling him to get out. English listened, and got RKO'd anyway. Kay. Orton's gonna talk. They say he's in a very bad mood. How can you tell the difference?

30. Oh right, there's two authority figures on this show, and they were nice enough to coordinate wardrobe. "What's up San Diego? We're live, and by live, we're live in San Diego, live."

31. So if Orton gets fired, he'll buy a ticket, break the law, get arrested... Wait, this is the guy who committed arson, nevermind.

32. Shane has never seen that look in his eye. Is it slightly squintier than the other twelve-yard stare? And he gets his rematch because of... his eyes? But Jinder gets to pick what the stipulation is? Will he make the Hardy mistake by picking the wrong one?

33. Jinder shows up with what I can only assume is the Cobra Chi, and he's not impressed with getting to pick his own stipulation. That's what's wrong with management? Kay.

34. Did he namedrop Khali? Shit, it's gonna be Punjabi Prison, isn't it? Oh, and they had a video package cued up three seconds after he said it. That's convenient. They should have to fight their way out of the Legends of the Hidden Temple obstacle course. The Shrine of the Silver Monkey takes no prisoners.

35. Bryan pretends to be talking on his phone when AJ Styles and some guy with a black bar commercial confront each other. Goodie goodie, another battle royal to determine the number one contender. Joy.

36. Maria? Like from ten-plus years ago Maria? And discount Curt Hawkins? And they're interrupted after five seconds by Sami Zayn? I've missed the last few weeks, what the hell was that?

37. And his opponent, the guy who is going to smack the briefcase like he did in the hype video, pose for camera, work the arms, repeat. At least it went to someone on the rise instead of a cheap excuse to give someone a title shot.

38. The picture-in-picture shows Sami Zayn's perpetual theme while Baron Corbin continues to shift his weight. But now, it's Money in the Bank...ier?

39. Corbin has him in a bear hug, and then has a pleasant conversation with him. That was nice.

40. Wow, what a clothesline by Sami! That's a lariat worthy of Hell itself!

41. Shinsuke is watching the match. Good to know.

42. Sami runs right into End of Days. Corbin wins. No surprise whatsoever. JBL asks the same thing he always does after someone hits a finisher who may have a later engagement. Can you imagine what it's like if he hits that later in the thing? Yeah, Jibbles, I can. It'll be like winning a match that's different than this one.

43. Shinsuke's talking, so I can literally hear Aiden (no English) paying closer attention.

44. So... Does getting engaged make you a WWE free agent? Is that how it works?

45. There's gonna be a rap battle next week and we're NOT going to have Brian Kendrick back for his rendition of his John Cena impression?!

46. Charlotte's dressed like she took the black and recently learned that she knows nothing.

47. Hey, how come Charlotte gets a flippy move in the ring, but Natalya's gets cut off before she's even down there? That's favoritism, dammit!

48. Still getting used to this central time zone thing. How nice it must be to have wrestling over by nine!

49. Main event? Nah, not important enough to have that picture-in-picture. Thank JBL we had it for Zack Ryder getting his ass kicked though. Totally makes sense.

50. Tamina gets herself a face pop by taking Carmella and tossing her ass over tea kettle over the announce table. If only she'd done it to Ellsworth...

51. Becky throws one mean damn suplex. But apparently... it took her out to do so too? All right then.

52. How "historic" can the winner really be when it's the second one of these matches in two weeks?

53. Becky climbs up the ladder with it folded back up, but then decides she can't climb any higher when they see her, or something? Then is nice enough to wait around looking at Charlotte and Tamina for a good ten seconds until one of them kicks her off.

54. When all is said and done, regardless, these women are all amazingly badass for not only having these ladder matches, but for taking the risks that go along with the expectations of this kind of match.

55. They're so surprised by the one-armed lariat that they call a spear that they get the name of the person doing it wrong twice before correctly identifying Tamina. But that gets us another commercial break.

56. Slow zoom out from the briefcase or we won't remember what the match is!

57. Charlotte's got some bravery. Nearly climbing over a woman to get to the top of the ladder. Getting to the top of a ladder alone is somewhat terrifying. Wow! What a spot with all four of them toppling over, and Natalya looked like she landed awkward. Hope she's okay.

58. Carmella gets to the top by herself, and then does what I can only assume is the hand jive on top of the briefcase until the other four come back in. She takes out two with a crossbody, then sells it like she got hit with a Superman Punch.

59. It seems like an unreasonably dangerous proposition to try to climb a ladder with someone under it, even if you have tried to take them out of commission first.

60. Once again, problems aside, this is one helluva match and an effort by all five involved. Shame this couldn't have been the first match. Natalya Batista Bombs Becky, and that looked like she landed high. She then puts on a submission move in a ladder match, cause sure, why not?

61. Something then happens to the sound, then Natalya and Charlotte go out into the crowd. Then Ellsworth and his baggy ass hoodie get back in the arena. Thankfully, Daniel Bryan isn't there to enforce it, so getting banned from the arena did absolutely nothing. Becky's gonna flip him off, but decides to push him into a very uncomfortable place instead. Perhaps like the back of a Volkswagen?

62. Becky didn't land too well, and is trying to hobble her way to the top. Carmella takes the legs out with a chair, which can't feel good regardless of the condition of your legs. Carmella wins, essentially retaining Money in the Bank. Couldn't this have just been the result the first time?

63. Strange result, strange booking, but a fantastic effort by everyone involved. It seems like that was the only effort put into this show, however, as the rest was phoned in at best. There's only so many "jobber is in the ring, says a thing, gets interrupted by a main eventer" segments I can stand.


While I enjoyed the Fashion Vice, Xavier Woods, and Daniel Bryan contenders, it's a rare actual choice for Smackdown Live, and I choose the rarest of the contenders to be on the list, the Ascension. Damn, wrestling was a chore this week. Hope it gets better next week. Good to be back regardless though!

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz
5-9-17 - The Usos
5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill
5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze
5-22-17 - Bray Wyatt
5-29-17 - Alexa Bliss/Ohai Bayley
5-30-17 - Fashion Files
6-5-17 - The Miz
6-26-17 - Paul Heyman
6-27-17 - The Ascension

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact patorrez@patorrez.com.

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