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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #295 - Thoughts on SD Live - 5-16-17
By Marissa Laiman
May 16, 2017 - 10:59:32 PM







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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #295 - Thoughts on SD Live - 5-15-17

1. Welcome to the Fist that Smacks, I'm back from Florida and heading out again on Friday. Philadelphia airport sucks, but Tampa is easily the best one to get in and out of I've ever seen. Oh shit, there's a Pay-Per-View this weekend? AJ vs. Jinder? Fuck, AJ's gotta lose to Jinder now?

2. Kevin Owens has the Highlight Reel now? I must've missed something. KO is going 2008 Jericho monotone with this, and he's starting to shift his weight like Baron constantly does. I think he's turning into Bandit Keith. Oooh, he even stole agane? You bastard! I love it.

3. Is that the new acting coach thing? Stop shifting your damn weight constantly!

4. I think KO forgot his line of why he's introducing someone in French, and AJ's music cuts him off. Fortunately he takes the mic away before he says a bad word. Damn does he look like a star in that outfit with that backdrop.

5. Okay, we've got a battle promo, so I assume Becky Lynch's match is next?

6. The cheap pop gets the most disjointed USA chant ever, and we get the tired cliche of "we can do this right now." But who interrupts but Jinder's veiny bulging forehead accompanied by the rest of him cut straight from a Planet Fitness commercial that drunk a FourLoko and swallowed a red pill.

7. Does Jinder have a cold or did he just have a quaalude before this promo?

8. AJ used to be smarter than this. Why would you turn your back on your enemies? Surprisingly, neither of them take advantage of this face blunder.

9. I never thought I'd see the day where someone facing Jinder Mahal for the first time was considered a big deal. Or noteworthy. Or a thing that needed to ever happen.

10. Is it the height difference that's making this match awkward? I truly don't know. Maybe it's everyone having RVD's stash, but regardless, something's missing.

11. That knee fall that AJ took looked way too realistic of legit knee injuries I've seen before. With a 4-on-1 situation, this result was not a surprise whatsoever, but still... Just really hoping AJ isn't legit hurt.

12. Wow, slow-motion replay of Owens reacting. So glad for that. So glad. I literally would've been lost without it.

13. I think JBL loves saying Jinder's nickname way too much.

14. Contract signings. Excitement. Yay. Why is there a contract signing for a six-person tag match?

15. The Fashion Files are back! I predict them as HAM winners again! Is that Vince McMahon's mugshot? And why is Tyler Breeze dressed like a Hulk Hogan janitor? Is that Tony Chimmel as the absolute worst?! HAM of the Night = Over. Fandango sounds like Goldust.

16. And to completely contrast it, Randy Orton says words too. He sounds throaty and mellow too. What is going on tonight? I know New Hampshire's boring as sin, but come on! Vermont's weed doesn't travel that far, does it?

17. Breezango thinks that it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insayayayayane.

18. Son of a bitch, an Innovators of Silence match!

19. Fandango got a hot tag. I'm not even sure what world I live in anymore. And the Innovators of Silence are back to losing cleanly after yet another gimmick change that nobody cared about. Shocked.

20. Do the Usos even know what they're saying? Don't you think they should keep family tradition and have an Xzibit low-key theme about how bad they are? Asking for a friend.

21. Shane's out to supervise the ladies as they sign a contract about their six-person tag thing. Go-home shows FTW.

22. For a moment there, the screen angle made it look like Natalya dropped the A at the end. Given how they make people lose their names all the time, I wouldn't have been surprised.

23. The faces all get individual intros. That's a good sign for team cohesion.

24. Naomi's outfit in that glow-in-the-dark outfit made me think a tripod from War of the Worlds was coming out for a second.

25. Thank you Shane, for instructing people what to do with a contract at a contract signing.

26. Vince just had an extra little yelling moment as he heard Becky Lynch quote his entrance theme.

27. James Ellsworth claims to quote Vince's entrance theme now, as if it were the first time said even in the segment. I guess his new catch phrase is "duh!" How clever. A catfight almost breaks out between Naomi and... Ellsworth. And we're about to get a Teddy Long, but it's not Naomi and Ellsworth, unfortunately.

28. Ellsworth uses his hat as a fan for Carmella. Okay, that's a little funny. He eventually gets tossed from ringside, and suddenly JBL cares about refs overstepping their bounds despite having a level of hatred for Ellsworth usually reserved for Miz circa 2004 backstage, and that gives us another commercial break.

29. This match involves a lot of stalling. I'm guessing because of the talent disparity between the two, but it could also be due to my theory of everyone having jet lag.

30. Bradshaw compared Carmella to Michael PS Hayes. I'm thinking everyone went to the Oxygen bar tonight. This is surreal.

31. The ref then throws the others out, they decide to attack, that's a distraction, and a champion loses on television again.

32. The Network pitch has the same script again two nights in a row. How genuine.

33. I skipped through the entire segment of television because Dolph Ziggler was talking and I meant to keep Aiden distracted. Sami gets attacked backstage. You would think after a certain amount of time, they'd start having security at those things with how often those interview attacks happen. Seems like a liability risk to me.

34. The clash of personalities here, and apparently Baron is also Finlay, according to JBL. I miss when Smackdown Live seemed like a distinct show from RAW. Also when Smackdown was really good. Yeah, those were good times.

35. Wow, Corbin's baseball slide through the corner and then coming back to clothesline the fuck out of Orton was freaking awesome!

36. How is the guy featured on the poster for the show not even present at the go-home show?

37. Orton's gettin' some grey in that beard. Gonna need to borrow some of Kevin Nash's Just for Men.

38. Does it only take one, JBL? It only takes one. I heard it only takes one.

39. Jinder decides we haven't seen enough of him, and oh joy, we get to hear him talk some more. The Singh brothers attack from behind to at least keep it mercifully short. Orton takes on all three of them, I'm guessing before AJ makes the save. I hope AJ is able to make the save. Jinder tries to make a face like he's blowing a trumpet, and that's how we go off the air.

40. Meh. I can't even think of something better. Seemed phoned in, which may be legit with European travel and a go-home show, but it doesn't mean it makes for interesting television either. Takeover looks more appealing, though I doubt I'll get any signal in the mountains of Vermont this weekend.

HAM OF THE NIGHT

Change their name to the Fashion Police, please.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz
5-9-17 - The Usos
5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill
5-16-17 - Fandango/Tyler Breeze

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact patorrez@patorrez.com.

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