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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #294 - Thoughts on RAW - 5-15-17
By Marissa Laiman
May 15, 2017 - 11:20:40 PM


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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #294 - Thoughts on RAW - 5-15-17

1. Getting started a bit late here, joined right in the beginning of the IC title match, which has been fantastic since I got the Ramada internet to work here in Tampa. What a great mid-show feature, very reminiscent of what used to be the mid-show feature of Smackdown Live every week. Well, if Smackdown Live's only purpose was to make RAW better a year later, I can live with that, but it's still a shame.

2. I like Dean's diving side elbow, I don't think I remember seeing that before.

3. Dean kicks out of the SCF, and all those who are sick of random finishing kickouts just stormed the live results comment section. Or so I'm told.

4. Miz's vicious edge has given him so much new life in the ring to match the character growing up he's done. A great heel tactic to use his wife as a defense from a high spot, upping the ante of her previous interaction. Dean don't give no fucks though and dives anyway, eventually.

5. Ambrose with the first underhook block of a low blow I've ever seen, and then hauls off and kicks him right in the fuck button. That was an awesome finish that kept both competitors strong. That's definitely when I don't mind an unclean finish. Bonus announcer HAM for Corey Graves trying to call it a "strong-style inner thigh grab." He's getting better every week.

6. "Are you ready to step into the Big Dog's yard?" Everything about that sentence makes me want to cut whoever wrote it with vinegar-laced manila envelopes and bathe them in salt water.

7. CFJ never faced Bray, not even in the Shield/Wyatt feud? That's surprising.

8. Look at Alexa Bliss getting herself some pops. Damn she looks good too.

9. I spent about an hour at the Pulse Memorial in Orlando today. That was one of the most somber experiences I've ever had. I had to sit down for a while and just think. As hard as that was to do with the sun beating down and the constant Orlando traffic behind me, I couldn't avoid it. I felt I had to pay my respects, which reasons have to be obvious to anyone reading this column, to say the very least.

10. Why did the entire recap of Alexa winning the title have to be in slow-motion? They're starting to use that more than a Zack Snyder movie.

11. Alexa's throwing shade at Newark, and I can't help but love her more every week. Am I not hearing well or is her mic getting some terrible feedback? She forgets her verbs though, "what's it like to a winner?" She trolls the "what?" chants, solidifying her position as the best thing on RAW right now, regardless of anything. I love her so much for that.

12. On Monday Night Interruption, Bayley comes out and sounds unnatural and forced by comparison. She sounds half out of breath and half out of her league. I feel bad for her because I really like Bayley but she does not need to be trying to trade verbal barbs with someone this good. This sets up Bayley for a way to go extreme in the ring where she can't on the mic where she's outmatched. Bliss is scathing, and it's a great face underdog reaction to attack immediately and get too ahead of herself.

13. Maybe it's because I've heard a lot of people referencing it recently, but when Booker told Bayley to watch her back, all I could think was the scene from the first Fast and Furious with that weird music going "WATCH YOOOOO WATCH YO BACK! WATCH YO WATCH YO WATCH YO BACK!"

14. Gallagher and Aries vs. TJP and Neville... again?

15. Kurt's using Steph's phone to talk to Sami Zayn for some reason, and Miz is HAMming it up extra for his HAM of Fame GM, Kurt Angle. Is this a mid-show weekly segment now?

16. Gee, if only there were an event coming up where a title match couldn't end with a DQ. Maryse and Kurt exchange something resembling French, with Kurt winning the HAM levels of this whole segment, and then Logan Shulo comes by to be the random drifter he is, and that's it.

17. Get ready for that tag team match we've already seen. Good thing we dragged out the purple ropes for that again.

18. This is sad. Even nobody in the arena cares about this match. Shame, this was a jolt to the division a while ago, and now they've even done this to death. Are they seriously chanting about Derek Jeter right now? Heels win, who cares? Stick the fork in this division and keep it to 205.

19. Oh good, another begging for the Network subscription thing! I can't wait for it to not work at all for the next PPV I try to watch!

20. Even better moment for Bayley as she refuses to accept easier treatment and wants to get Bliss back with extreme. But then it gets Vince Russo'd because it's a Kendo stick on a pole match. Kurt actually said that sentence without completely bursting out laughing.

21. Meanwhile, Golden TROOF is trying to figure out why they're still employed too.

22. Finn Balor is facing Roman Reigns on the ten o'clock hour, so nothing surprising happening here. Interesting choice having Balor facing someone they're clearly still trying to make a face. Does that mean the Demon King eventually comes out to face the Big Dog at PPV sooner or later?

23. Orton and Corbin in the same match? Oh dear... Where's the Tylenol?

24. Oh good, let's have more slow motion replays before the match starts. Make sure they're all in slow-motion. Makes it all totes cooler, yo.

25. Now that I've woken up from my nap from the immediately-muted boos of Reigns' entrance, we learn that Braun could be out as long as six months. Great. That's a terrible blow to the roster, for sure.

26. Did Roman make that top out of the pieces of Kane's 2002 return outfit? He might as well, if he's going to keep taking things I love and ruining them.

27. I like the test of attitudes between Balor and Reigns. There's a lot being said with no words, and I love that kind of psychology that translates so well by body language and early match progressions.

28. So we're gonna have a fatal-five way for the chance to face Bork Laser? Sure, why not?

29. This is a damn good matchup. It tells a story in and of itself. RAW needs more of this.

30. I'm impressed at how many big guys Booker T was able to list who he might be facing if he wins. You can't teach that kind of roster recollection.

31. Finn kicked out of the Superman punch. Cue one of them saying "you gotta be kidding me!" Congratulations, Booker T, you win the spot on the RAW Bingo Card.

32. Great match, but in shocker of all shockers, Roman Reigns wins. Joy. I suppose it makes sense, since he'll likely pull out the Demon King for the contender's matches to get that upper edge.

33. The lights go out, giving me a brief moment of nostalgic excitement for a sudden Kane return, but we're gonna get Bray Wyatt being off the rails and weird again. We come back with Crossfit Jesus who is not a fan of Bray's word choice.

34. And now we get to see the Golden TROOF wrestle again. It still gets a pop though, so why not?

35. I really appreciate that they keep telling us what state's Newark in. I might've forgotten.

36. Goldust's heel turn finally comes, and where will this go? "Obviously whatever you heard from Goldust earlier, he was lying." Well no shit!

37. "TROOF can't even make it to his feet, he doesn't know where he is." Bad choice of words for the guy who introduced the wrong city, just saying.

38. This is a lot of air time for two undercarders who were most famous for playing Pokemon Go during the show. Goldy gets the mic drop with the equivalent of WHOZE THE BIYOTCH NOW?!

39. Do Five Hour Energy and TRUTH commercials use the same music?

40. In-show game preview. My favorites.

41. So, who are Enzo and Cass coming out to annoy and get cut off by this week?

42. Is there someone contending with Enzo that you can, in fact, teach someone's height?

43. Aaaand interrupting him this week... Titus O'Neill and Apollo Crews? Okay...

44. I think Titus got lost in his adjectives a little bit, but his Enzo parody was freaking hilarious regardless. Apollo Crews definitely needed a mouthpiece though, so this is a good idea.

45. Cass switches it on him, and now Titus is facing Cass? And look at him going with the Men's Wearhouse parody? I'm sure George is thrilled. I will gladly hear that company parodied any time. I enjoyed working for JoS A Bank before they took it over.

46. Well, that certainly was an effective use of television time. Enzo ends up taking a selfie with Crews, and gets his head kicked in for it. Yeah, he should've seen that one coming.

47. TJP and Neville backstage talk about things about another show and such.

48. Michael Cole loses the "Shut Your Whore Mouth" game in three seconds flat. Son of a bitch!

49. "You forgot to say 'Denmark', Cole." That may be my new favorite out-of-context line ever.

50. Joe's in it too? Badass!

51. Michael Cole just tripped over himself to not say "ruthless" aggression. Nice.

52. Is it the first time ever Crossfit Jesus faces Bray Wyatt? Oh goodie, another slow motion replay too! This is such great fun.

53. Are we seriously cutting to the match graphic in the middle of the fucking match?! JESUS FUCKING JBL, Vince! Maybe this age of wrestling isn't for me. Maybe this is what the younger audience really likes. Slow-motion replays, incessant reminders of obvious information, more slow-motion replays, going from jobber to number one contender in one match, and match graphics filling out a good fifteen seconds of the middle of a match.

54. Ohai Samoa Joe, we were wondering when you'd get involved! Samoa Joe confronts Bray Wyatt, and oh wouldn't this be interesting. Nope, nevermind, they're like fuck CFJ, eh? Psych, follow the buzzards.

55. Two hours of a show, still felt long, but had some fantastic matches in it. The desperate pleas for attention though are way too much, distracting, and pandering of the worst kind. Probably helped that I missed the first hour.


Titus impersonating Enzo and repeating his adjectives stolen from Chris Jericho's 2000-era list for Stephanie McMahon.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz
5-9-17 - The Usos
5-15-17 - Titus O'Neill

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact patorrez@patorrez.com.

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