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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #293 - Thoughts on SD Live - 5-9-17
By Marissa Laiman
May 9, 2017 - 10:56:36 PM







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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #293 - Thoughts on SD Live - 5-9-17

1. Finally got a new TV, and wrestling suddenly looks AMAZING! No wonder I've been missing out, the visuals haven't been reaching me the way they should.

2. These Payback previews look like something straight out of pre-Man of Steel Zack Snyder. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

3. If Smackdown is a smack to lay, why is the logo a giant fist? Can you smack someone with a fist?

4. Pyro, to open a show? Look at the time, 1998 already.

5. How many times are they going to tell us the attendance tonight?

6. Holy shit, Orton's seizure-inducing entrance looks ridiculous on this screen. I'll try not to get a migraine. Well, a bigger one.

7. Orton can't blame his loss on a refrigerator. Randy Orton and the Crystal Skull? He says you have to actually win a match to become champion. No subtlety there!

8. Jinder - "I didn't take anything, I simply took..." And we're off to a flying stop.

9. This gimmick and promo truly isn't bad. That's never been a problem. But when you win two matches and suddenly get a contender's match, it just makes no sense.

10. Mr. Owens, come on down! So, now both midcard champions are also after the world title. Why have midcard titles then?

11. And now it's time to get Phenomenal. At least they're not interrupting each other like Cerrano and those savages on RAW>

12. AJ Styles's face promos are weird. "You, sir, are no Chris Jericho, and neither am I. Yay me!"

13. It's a good old-fashioned Hustle-style clusterfuck. Now the shifting weight king of the world arrives, and he's immediately jumped by Sami Zayn! It's a slobberknocker, JR!

14. Gee, is a six-person tag in the works? Oh well, Shinsuke will be here. I can hear Aiden's screams already. But we've also got Becky Lynch facing one of the mean girls, so... Becky has her usual spot on Smackdown Live.

15. When did James Ellsworth turn into Goldust?

16. When did Natalya steal Shaniqua's wardrobe?

17. So, did both women's divisions suddenly become besties with each other? What happened?

18. Now Charlotte's coming out too? Is the whole Smackdown London show just entrances?

19. I love Becky's outfit. Did Steampunk Clementine just do the Superman punch, or because she didn't cock the wrist, did it not count? And will Roman Reigns interfere in this one too? Natalya ends up winning by... tripping. Team Mean Girl wins.

20. Lana's debut? I'm pretty sure she's been on a show before.

21. Wait, wait, what? Charlotte suddenly cares that Becky lost? Becky then comes in to say what's what, and that they'll take our lives, but they'll never take our titles!

22. OhmyJBL, Breezango is getting a Law and Order take-off, complete with spoken dun-dun cue. Sold!

23. One's in an officer outfit, and the other looks like Sherlock Holmes crossed with... oh gosh, they have a British Bulldog picture. HAM over, everyone. Breezango win. They walk in on the Ascension... doing early 80s movies villain yelling? Holy... wow. What in the red-painted hell was that?!

24. Erick Rowan is somewhere in between 2011 Kane and Cynthia from Rugrats.

25. The fans are chanting something, and Erick Rowan used Stacy Keibler's finishing move from the early video games. I must've had the good stuff from Vermont, because I have no idea how I remembered that.

26. Rowan ends up getting the rather anti-climactic win, and the crowd goes Shining Stars. I'm sorry, but his finisher looks absolutely silly.

27. A six-man tag from the opening segment? You're kidding!

28. There's another Pirates of the Caribbean movie? Why is that a thing?

29. Dolph Ziggler's going with the "why you hate me?" Big Show circa 2000 method of getting heat. Britain has some big NXT fans, but Ziggles is not impressed. And yes, how dare you sing along with the catchiest song since Adam Rose? Only this time, his career might go somewhere. When did Dolphy get so bitter? Is he going Chris Jericho monotone heel turn?

30. Finally, the "look at my watch" guy has called him out, and we're getting ourselves a sing-along. And what a sing-along it is!

31. Dolph is lecturing someone about a fashion show while he wears a suit coat with a pink t-shirt. The tension is high, and not just because the house is writhing in anticipation for Shinsuke to talk. They wisely don't give it away, though Dolph accidentally stole a copy of one of Braun's promos for the ending.

32. Sami gets to mark out on being a team. He's the Becky Lynch of this version of the segment. Why do all these wrestlers need a hype man? Gee, after this close-up is Sami going to be alone? He is! Good talk, team!

33. All the teams are getting an 8-bit booty call? Is this to make time for Kofi to come back? All I know is there are some pretty colors on my screen right now.

34. That sentiment immediately changes when the Ascension appear to lose to whomever. Breezango, I suppose, who pulled a double Jinder Mahal and now get segments.

35. It's interesting we saw the old arcade box thing, because Breezango is now suddenly dressed like video game Big Boss Man from what I remember of those games. Wow, a match where Fandango was involved in being the obvious winner. I can't remember the last time that happened.

36. The Uso's come out to cut a promo. That's been pretty rare for them. I'm so glad they revitalized their characters. Wow, what in the HAM hell was that?

37. I guess Akira Tozawa is back now? Wasn't he missing for a while? And Brian Kendrick must've gotten an acting note that offered gesticulation. Meanwhile, Mojo Rawley is giving tours backstage, and tells stories about the Eighth Wonder of the World, Andre the Giant. This is freaking adorable.

38. Meanwhile, Rusev is cutting more social media promo videos. I thought he wasn't showing up without a title shot. Now he's showing up to get an answer. Okay. Looks like the main event is getting some time, but entrances alone will probably take us through at least one commercial break.

39. That Jeff Hardy owl is back and he's freaking me out.

40. I wonder who it would be more fun to see the Cavs play, the Wizards or the Celtics? They had rivalries with both those teams in the first LeBron run. I'd also love to see someone knock Steph Curry's binky out of his mouth before the Finals, but I don't like the chances of that happening. We're gonna get the rubber match, wrestling style.

41. They're teasing the Mahal/Orton confrontation, but they're not gonna let that dream match happen too early now! Owens and Orton end up talking some shit, and for once we get to hear it. I like that.

42. I'm interviewing Karen Garst right after the show, and I had Steve Shives in studio here yesterday. It's been a really cool few days. I'm still waiting on my damn grades so everything can finally be official, but I have to say, not having to go anywhere today is the first time I've had that feeling in... I have no idea when the last time that happened was.

43. This crowd is loving them some Sami Zayn. You have to feel like he is on the cusp of finally being elevated. Then again, he didn't lose for six straight months, so he won't be winning any contender matches anytime soon, so...

44. Second commercial in the match. Hopefully at least the last one.

45. I appreciate that both RAW and Smackdown got a really lengthy match this week. I only wish we'd gotten to see all of them. The constant breaks make it hard to enjoy the journey, or stay committed to it at all.

46. AJ pulls a sweet reversal into a Calf Crusher. Well done!

47. I like how Sami has been a version of a mark, like the one who just wants to tag with all his favorite wrestlers from the past. It's how so many kids envision themselves when they get engrossed in the world of professional wrestling. It's refreshing to not always have that attitude and mindset trashed along with the indies as a snarky comment.

48. Orton gets his house of fire part of the match, and it was well placed. Sami Zayn getting the Blue Thunder Bomb on Jinder was damn impressive. An RKO, and as they said 84 times, it only takes one. But Jinder Mahal wins clean in the main event. I am shocked I wrote that sentence.

49. Smackdown was better than RAW, but I wouldn't call it great. Good, watchable, decent, sure. But it feels like this is the show that has been forced to yet again recreate itself. It's lost something since the shakeup, and I don't like that.

HAM OF THE NIGHT

The Usos, because I don't think even they knew what they were talking about.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz
5-9-17 - The Usos

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact patorrez@patorrez.com.

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