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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #292 - Thoughts on RAW - 5-8-17
By Marissa Laiman
May 8, 2017 - 11:48:31 PM







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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #292 - Thoughts on RAW - 5-8-17

1. So, WWE has been determined to not let me watch it lately. The Network sucked so bad that I couldn't make it through Payback, I was at the playoff game on Monday, and Verizon has decided that USA doesn't work anymore, and two hours on the phone with IT couldn't fix it tonight. I'm streaming it on someone else's FIOS app because I couldn't get it to work on there either because YAY fucking Verizon! So I'll do my best to not hate things because I need a good mood.

2. By the way, I have officially completed university! I'm traveling a lot this summer, starting with going back to Jacksonville this weekend. Next I'll be in Burlington, VT. I'll be in SLC May 31-June 3, Allentown, PA June 4, and Seattle July 7-9.

3. We start off with someone getting a phone call with a ringtone no one has had since 2005, and his name is Dean. We like Dean. Kurt doesn't though, because he hung up. That prompts him to hit the arena anyway, so interesting cold open for the UK! I wonder if the WhatCulture guys are there. If Adam is there, I hope TROOF has a match.

4. London is not a fan of the fact that Angle isn't there, and I don't blame them. That music deserves to be heard in person everywhere. And... made him acting general manager? How the... Who the... What?

5. Some things never change, and starting off Monday Night Interruptions is the guy who failed upward to the number one contendership, which is how we do it now. Miz does his best to pretend the last month never happened, and Miz tells the UK how crazy they are for liking suggestions that will no way happen whatsoever.

6. Did Miz receive an email from the anonymous RAW General Manager, Stephanie McMahon. Great, stepping in to ruin everything yet again. Gee, are we gonna have some wacky hi-jinx with Miz also being the other one? RAW's gonna be a buddy cop movie from the 80s. I guess everyone gets to be a RAW General Manager.

7. Miz brags about being two WWE Superstars, but I guess he better not get penis envy for Jinder Mahal, who beat five... somehow. Dean offers a handshake that will in no way be interrupted, and oh look, the one-armed Braun Strowman! Cast match?

8. Braun brags about taking out the Big Dog at Payback, and gets a YES! chant and cheer for it, so he'll probably go over the returning HOAK HOGAN next. Braun apparently didn't END Roman Reigns, which of course means Reigns is coming back for the rubber match, which he'll of course win.

9. We've got a third interruption, and... who the fuck is that?! Someone got a sample of Asuka's music, and holy shit, Aiden's about to be really pissed. Kalisto brags about beating Braun and calls him out for not taking it like a man. Look at Kalisto throwing down! That's the most character development he's gotten since being in WWE. He talks about beating him with one arm. Gee, is wacky Dean gonna make a one-armed match because of what he said? That's only the 84th time that's happened.

10. What's next, some other hypotheticals that will not happen? We get Miz vs. Balor to start off the show, so all right. I'm down. Let's see if the buddy cop RAW has less filler.

11. But how many people are in attendance tonight, Michael Cole?

12. I like how they're not rushing the return of the Demon King. You know, like they should've done the first time.

13. Anyone seen American Gods yet? It's one of my top three favorite books, and I loved the first episode. Can't wait to see more. Same with Handmaid's Tale. Now that I'm (finally) not going to Philadelphia, I might actually have time to catch up on some things!

14. I was expecting a little more from these two, but they may be doing the slow burn. A rollup count seems to go four instead of three, but that happens sometimes. I do love how they talk about the "veteran" instinct of Miz, as if he's in the ring with a rookie straight from the development center.

15. Miz is focused on beating Finn Balor tonight? Wow, it's almost like he's a professional wrestler or something!

16. Too many people hit moves from "Outta Nowhere." At least have someone Outta Somewhere. Or Parts Unknown.

17. Miz shoves Balor into the ref, and Miz grabs the mic and then orders the ref to disqualify him for it. That's hilarious, I love it!

18. Dean isn't having any of that shit, so now it's no-DQ and Maryse is "bagged" from ringside. Interesting. Did he then say he's also "co-ed general manager?" That says things about his private life. Booker then talks about there being too many cooks, and that's Aiden's Kryptonite, because all of us except him start singing that awful Adult Swim song. It's fun to annoy the spouse.

19. Meanwhile, in funnier height disparities than me and LaLa, Nia says a thing to Alexa Bliss, and they bicker until they come to some agreement. Now, Kurt Angle makes the matches, so Alexa got herself a... new best friend? All right.

20. Faces have friends. Mickie has Bayley with her, which is good because they have matching color tastes. Which I'm fine with, by the way.

21. Stone Cold cried at that Lou Thesz press, and I think even the cameraperson forgot about the commercial break cue because of it.

22. I went to get ice cream, and Bliss won. Bliss goes on the heel attack, Bayley chases Alexa off, and Nia lurks until she goes bang smash on Mickie because best friends forever. That last time ended well when they had a heel best friend angle. Right? '

23. Miz tries to pitch MizTV with someone from One Direction... DO. NOT. DO. THAT! Instead he books Ambrose vs. Wyatt, which we've fortunately never seen before. Then a tale of the tape with Kalisto and Braun and... Wow. This is seriously a thing.

24. Samoa Joe gets a backstage interview, and covers for his shortcoming at Payback... That I missed because of the Network's shitty shortcoming. He's HAMming it up himself. Yell, Joe! Yell! Crossfit Jesus attacks, they break it up, and their moment is sponsored by Just for Men. Is Kevin Nash the guest referee?

25. Braun waits to come out to his entrance music to deny the match. Whaddya, Chicken, McFly?

26. Ten seconds into the damn match, and it always has to be about Roman yet again... Listen to that deafening roar. Wasn't this the guy who was pissed about someone interrupting his confrontation a few months ago?

27. Repeated Superman punches and heavy heat for it, Kalisto is nowhere to be seen. So much for that character development he got. Even with that, Roman still gets kicked right in the fuck. I guess Kalisto just... left?

28. Roman's in a zone we've never seen him in... Since like, last week. Why bother booking the match with hype if it's gonna last as long as my husband's ex boyfriend?

29. Oh, now the RAW tag titles are getting the exact same treatment as the Smackdown tag titles? Throw all the teams in a gauntlet match and see what happens.

30. Yes, Shinsuke. Please. More Shinsuke. And Network, please work.

31. Cass is getting so much better on the mic. I really hope he gets to say more things soon.

32. We've also got the newly-evil Cesaro and Sheamus who are probably more evil now with more facial hair.

33. We go to commercial with Enzo going "owowowowowowow." Somehow a fitting moment.

34. Shut up, SNHU! I'm still waiting for my degrees and final grades, dammit!

35. Enzo's legs are too short for the Sharpshooter, and the fact that he lasted any time at all is somewhat surprising. He ends up tapping, and Cesaro doesn't let go, because he's heel now. They're facing the One Joke Wonders, but since Rhyno has no crackers, I don't like their chances.

36. I love this crowd. I'm just glad Heath Slater is still working regularly and isn't still at a Curt Hawkins level of being a perpetual ring dummy.

37. Judging from the way contenderships have been earned lately, Golden TROOF have lost more than anyone, so they'll probably win. That's how it works now, right?

38. The UK loves the Club Sandwich! More commercials? You betcha!

39. Even though we've seen more incredible feats of strength from Cesaro, holding Gallows up like that is still JBLdamn ridiculous. Another commercial, mid-match this time. Aye...

40. I like that this match is getting time, don't get me wrong, but for the most part, we've seen these matches for months. Sure, we got a little Heath Slater in there, but Cesaro and Sheamus with the Club? Been there, done that, in singles, tag, and more. Give me something new, guys.

41. Sheamus and Cesaro win again. Let me guess, here's where Golden TROOF gets the upset, right? Adam will be so thrilled. They didn't win, so Cesaro and Sheamus ran the table. Good, I thought they were gonna go with the Breezango thing. Now they attack from behind, which is a running theme of heels tonight.

42. Listen to that pop for the Hardyz' theme. The Hardyz have pyro now? Wow, that only took 20 years!

43. Oh, right, the show's still on. We've got ourselves some Crossfit Jesus, and I'm assuming he's going after Joe again? Of course he is. I was hoping the week off would make things a bit more refreshed... Nope. I like both of these two, but what are the points of PPV matches if they're not paying things off?

44. Get it? Tower of London. Cause they're in England. But how many fans are at the show in England, Michael? And is Wade Barrett there in his skybox?

45. Joe is currently contending with Enzo for the most-DJ Qualls-like facial expressions right now. It amuses me more than it probably should.

46. Um... Corey, I know we're in London and all, but "Samoa Joe pivots his hips and drills Rollins into the canvas." Takeiohhhhmyyyy.

47. Samoa Joe is having NONE of your bullshit, Turnbuckle Pad. He's not gonna be part of your system! He's an ADULT! You can't buy him, Turnbuckle Pad! We have another unclean ending, but at least this one makes sense. And, yet again, the heel continues attacking after the match. Did all the matches have the same notes tonight? I think Joe and Braun were given the same ones too. "We've had matches, but it's not over because reasons."

48. Miz and Ambrose next week. Silly RAW, why save that for PPV? This RAW has apparently also been one of the most physical, emotional, and personal Monday Night RAWs Cole can remember. All aboard the hyperbole train, woo woo!

49. Personal note, this is my 100th column since returning last year. I've had so much fun with this, and I'm glad most of you have been very good to me through this very unstable time. Thank you.

50. Oh goodie, Facebook videos! And we've got a Jack Gallagher match in his home country, so we know how that usually goes.

51. Gallagher and TJP are currently engaged in a "who can make a more sarcastic face" contest. I like the character change for TJ. Nice tough with the snarky exchanges of taunts.

52. TJP gets a cheap win, to the surprise of no one who has ever seen a home match, and FOR FUCK'S SAKE, TJP attacks after the match too! JBLdammit, again?! Even the Cruiserweights! Aries makes the save in the maroon carpet he stole from the hotel, and holy fuck... Every single damn one!

53. Adam got me back. He had to see a TROOF match, but he made sure I had to see an Alicia Fox match too. Curses, you list-making bastard!

54. Sasha wins. Big. Fucking. Shock. At least Alicia Fox doesn't attack after the match, but let's have a shoulders-on-the-mat controversy so we can see this match again. Joy. Apparently Dean can restart a match for a DQ but not a clear unclean pinfall.

55. Booker T gets the double berserk button by ruining the Wyatt entrance and making the too many cooks joke again! Too many cooks, too many cooks, TOO MANY COOKS!

56. Bray Wyatt is slowly becoming a Psyclo. Fool, while you were still learning to SPELL YOUR NAME, I was being trained to CONQUER VIPERS!

57. Dean is an example of doing the IDGAF attitude right, in my opinion. As opposed to Baron, who is rebel without a cause, care, or reason for us to give a fuck either. As much as he's growing on me as a wrestler, Dean has it down.

58. Dean dives out to attack Miz, and somehow doesn't see Bray Wyatt coming. I guess you could say it was... Outta Nowhere.

59. Bray wins after a Sister Abigail, and Miz kisses up to him again. Bray is not impressed, and... Well at least it wasn't the heel in the match itself? But we have another cheap attack from the heel.

60. I don't know what it is about shows in other countries. Maybe it's jet lag, I don't know, but they always seem to be a bit off and phoned in. And this show was those things, plus it seemed to take six hours, plus repetitive as fuck, plus a match that had... what, six commercial breaks? Ugh, and it started with such promise too. We could've had a night full of fun hijinx with the two GMs trying to outdo one another, but instead we get a phoned-in show that had decent enough action, but every heel attacking after the match like it was going out of style, and booking a hyped midcard match only to have it go ten seconds and not matter. Why bother?

HAM OF THE NIGHT

Miz. He turned it up even for him.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler
5-8-17 - The Miz

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact patorrez@patorrez.com.

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