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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #291 - Thoughts on SD Live - 4-25-17
By Marissa Laiman
Apr 25, 2017 - 10:33:01 PM





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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #290 - Thoughts on SD Live - 4-25-17

1. We're opening with the "Artist" known as Shinsuke Nakamura. Interesting, going the Prince rout. I figured Michael Jackson was the bigger influence, but either way, no complaints.

2. Smackdown does their best RAW impression, and Aiden does his best Happy Gilmore missing the ball impression because Dolph Ziggler interrupts less than one sentence into the interview. At that point, why even have an interview?

3. The interviewer struggles for about fifteen seconds deciding whether or not to give Zigglesworth the mic, and he shows what a gentleman he is (No Jack) by holding the ropes for her. Nice guy, that Shinsuke.

4. "Who are you wearing?" Ziggler HAMs it up by pretending that Delirious is on the other end by interpreting his answers. With all the street cred of 1994, even Shinsuke is rolling his eyes.

5. Dolph's gonna go with the Michael Jackson route. He's trying the Dean, isn't he? Someone had to pick up the snark sarcasm. Shinsuke's "the fuck you talking about?" face is priceless. Ziggler then drops every third grade insult he can think of off the top of his head, and Shinsuke finally takes the mic.

6. Shinsuke sees Ziggler's HAM and raises him a spin. Ziggles goes for the cheap shot, but like his tag team partner that never was The Miz, it fails epically. I want to see this match more than any other even briefly mentioned on Smackdown right now.

7. Two matches that we saw last week already? They really did switch personalities, didn't they? Fuck me gently with a chainsaw...

8. Just for reminder's sake, the two second-half world champions of last year are feuding over the US title, and Jinder Mahal is number one contender for the world title.

9. Did they make this feud only so they could duel over the exclusive rights to a "face" moniker?

10. Two straight weeks, the man who is best at shifting his weight while looking disinterested, Baron Corbin is facing AJ Styles. Baron didn't get the black-and-red wardrobe memo, apparently, and we've also got KO on commentary... again.

11. It's still bizarre to hear them referencing the smaller cities again. Des Moines? Maybe eventually we'll get a show in Hershey again. We got one damn PPV in the Giant Center and nothing since.

12. Styles takes one hell of a bump to the outside, so you know what that means!

13. They brought the Twitter ticker back. FAHHHKIN BULLSHAAAAAAT!

14. I swear I just heard an old taped Smackdown crowd reaction sound effect. At least the match is good, despite these two being in the ring three weeks in a row. And, like last week, KO's gonna get involved again, which I'm guessing leads to... No, AJ gets a roll-through win. KO attacks immediately, and KO misses Joe so much that he'll take anyone to fill the void. Zayn's music hits to make the save. KO runs... for some reason, but Corbin ends up unsuccessful in his defense. KO then comes back in for the cheap shot, and sets up the upcoming title match quite well.

15. Now, Charlotte is also already the greatest superstar in WWE history. Hyperbole for the win!

16. A Beat the Clock challenge? Great. And I have to watch a Shining Stars match too. And the THIRD match that we also saw last week!

17. Oh, they're the Colons now? Gimmick number four, maybe this one will work! Right? Right?

18. I don't know who started the "it's all about hashtag the whatever" but I want them beaten.

19. But wait, are the Usos watching in the back? They are! I'm so relieved!

20. No shock that a city in Iowa has some big fans of the amateur wrestlers in Gable and Jordan. This is the state of Dan Gable, after all.

21. American Alpha end up winning at 5:17, so at least they got the win back from The Innovators of Silence, Version 4.

22. "The bar has been set." Ironically stated during a graphic of the other tag match that involves... Breezango and the Ascension. We need James Cameron to find that bar.

23. And now... Orton vs. Rowan... again. But don't worry, the New Day is coming, eventually.

24. Rusev sends in a selfie video, and apparently doesn't like the Shakeup. They made it sound like everyone had the choice of where to go or not, except him?

25. Steampunk Clementine has officially become super bright red hair... Like Eva Marie, except with talent. She gets to comment about the thing until the Mean Girls come along to fail to intimidate her. Shut up, Ellsworth.

26. Now we've got Randy Orton and the slithering sperm entrance way, and he'll go to the papers if he has to.

27. Rowan's music made me think Kaientai was returning for a brief second. Wouldn't that have been an interesting cameo?

28. The match went to commercial but I don't think they realized it because it kept going. Something happened in a place outside of the ring, so of course they're taking advantage of the No DQ stipulation. Rowean finds a kendo stick, so remind us what kind of match it is. Rowan hits him with a shot weaker than what my nine-year-old could do. I miss not hating Orton matches.

29. A thing's about to happen, so time for JBL to go "nononono." At least he can't interrupt Bray's entrance anymore. Rowan gives himself away by looking at the table repeatedly. He goes through it to the surprise of anyone who hasn't seen wrestling before, and a commentator says someone is rolling, so here we go.

30. The match spills again to the announce table, and JBL cautiously says "watch out, boys!" In protection of the other two announcers. That's the most appealing thing he's done since the Bradshaw era.

31. Wow, an RKO always manages to be outta nowhere, how convenient.

32. The music cuts off. Fuckbeans, he's gonna talk again, dammit!

33. Orton assures us that the match he still knows nothing about that it'll be his hell and not Orton's or whatever.

34. Just when you thought we were gonna get away with the 2-for-the-century number one contender, Jinder Mahal announces himself as the true horror. His jobber-to-contender status makes that not entirely wrong. He really is the number one contender for the World WWE championship.

35. Orton attacks, and the Bollywood Boys make the save. At least they know who they are this time. Jinder leaves with the title belt, and JBL's all "hey, that's not yours, you meanie!"

36. And now we have a match with less heat than a Flex Kavana vs. Mark Henry match in 1996.

37. At least it'll only be five minutes at most, right? Thank JBL, the tag team champions are STILL watching the show! Show Alpha watching too! I need to know these things!

38. Breezango wins? So a week after someone with two match wins gets to challenge for the world title, a team that hasn't won a match in... I have no idea when they won a match... gets the contendership for the tag title. We're officially in Bizarro universe.

39. Not another damn Bray Wyatt video... And dammit, I caught up to live. Damn you, Smackdown double-switch!

40. That's some bad-ass eyeshadow on Naomi.

41. I love that the women's matches are a regular main event feature. They're really going with this Ali/Foreman comparison, aren't they? Nothing like a good 1970's boxing analogy. And they use the "it's all about hashtag" thing again. Die. Die in a fire, that phrase!

42. "It is all about the" again! For fuck's sake, three times in one show. Even without the hashtag part, go fuck yourself Tom!

43. Oh shit, there's a match on! I got completely distracted! Close fall means awkward glance to audience member reacting. At least it wasn't in slow motion in a recap. That was one hell of a Batista Bomb from Charlotte. Kickout, kid reacting. The Mean Girls attack with Ellsworth reacting at ringside. Charlotte face turn? Interesting. Thank JBL we're not distracted by the last few minutes of the show with a countdown for American Ninja Warrior. The crowd chants for Steampunk Clementine, but we've got the New World Order low angle instead. Three-on-three next week?

44. Overall... Some decent wrestling, but Smackdown feels an awful lot like RAW last year. And RAW has been watchable and fun. Son of a bitch, they got me again!

HAM OF THE NIGHT

Ziggles got this one for his over the top Michael Jackson interview.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss
4-25-17 - Dolph Ziggler

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact patorrez@patorrez.com.

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