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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #290 - Thoughts on RAW - 4-24-17
By Marissa Laiman
Apr 24, 2017 - 11:15:05 PM





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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #290 - Thoughts on RAW - 4-24-17

Had a great time this weekend in North Carolina, surprisingly. Got to hang out with Lawrence Krauss and many of my friends and favorite podcasters. False Start is officially out as of this weekend's convention, so check it out on Amazon or above!

1. We get face Jericho starting things off. At least he's snarking a bit about working the word "payback" into his promo. He's doing the thing where he does the best he can to not fall into 1999 vocab, but before he gets too far, he's the first to be interrupted... by the Miz.

2. Hey, Miz hasn't said that in a while. Will he continue to live his Smackdown Live push backward? Only time will tell. The crowd comes up with the best chant they can muster... "You suck!" ... And Miz goes for the cheap heat. Dammit, I can see what they've been working on since last summer unraveling before my very eyes. Jericho then tells Miz to smell his finger for a good 20 seconds, and Miz has the power to cancel talk shows now. Interesting, did he get Kevin Dunn in his corner on that or something?

3. The techies get their moment in the sum by being on television doing their pit crew routine, but we get another interruption already from someone, and his name is Dean. We like Dean. Is he about to declare Ambrose Asylum now? Are we gonna have a Talk Soup match main event? Winner keeps their talk show?

4. Remember when he and Jericho had a match that was weird and awkward? Yeah... At least we're getting three of the best talkers in the business in the ring at the same time. Where are they again though? Are they allowed to acknowledge that again? Remember when Vince was big leaguing cities that weren't big enough for the grapefruits? Kinda like why refs couldn't have names. Magical.

5. At least now we're getting some post-2 week memory, the infamous potted plant and Lite Brite jacket incidents respectively. Are these two gonna be besties to face Joe and KO? Please tell me that'll be a thing. Jericho correctly notices that the last time he got a gift didn't go well. Dean gives him a Christmas tree light jacket, somewhat resembling the one he wore last week... And Dean doing the catch phrase. This is all so HAMtastic that I have a bad feeling about the Dead Hour of RAW completely subverting the fun of this.

6. Some dude was doing the YES! chant like a Double Delete. Then for the third straight week, Dean takes Miz out, and Jericho puts Maryse on The List for being married to the Miz. How's that long chute instead of a ladder, Miz? Who did you piss off during that awesome Cena feud that you should've won?

7. Matt Hardy vs. Sheamus. Hey, at least it's not another non-title match before the title match. Not that they have a laziness habit of doing that... Right?

8. 75,000 expoded at the Citrus Bowl? That sounds like it should've been bigger news... And we were robbed of the Cesaro/Lobsterhead quickening kilt entrance. I resent that, commercial break!

9. They're talking experience like Sheamus is the lesser of the two, but Lobsterhead has been around for what, 11, 12 years now? I know Matt's been around longer, but it's not like he's facing a rookie. A side effect on the apron sends us into another commercial break. That's the hardest part of the ring, you know.

10. Maybe it's because I'm not Italian, but this Subway commercial confuses me. Ordering a sandwich is an accomplishment now? And if someone can tell the difference between regular oregano and "Mediterranean" oregano, they need to be working with the bombsniffing dogs, because those are some impressive nostrils. I could revive Jaded Hope on Subway commercials alone.

11. At least they didn't hold on the Blair Witch forearms of doom camera angles, but he did them at about 2.5 speed slower than normal. Does face Sheamus feel lethargic for having to be nice to people?

12. I haven't noticed pathetically sad cherry-picked positive tweets in a while. If that's gone away, the product overall is better for it. I mean, what will I do without WWE showing people misspelling the name they just saw with exclamations? SHAMUS!!!!!!!!!!! @WWE #RAW #ULookStewpid

13. Do you think Matt Hardy still makes his own pants in Broken world?

14. Lobsterhead nailed Matt with the... Brogue Knee? That was interesting.

15. Cesaro looks like a tall Headbanger. Why doesn't he wrestle in his kilt? Jeff and Cesaro start getting agitated with each other, which leads to the distraction and Matt winning with the Twist of Fate. Cesaro seems really pissed about this turn of events. The music cuts, so you know some shit is going down. Lobsterhead offers the handshake. Gee, I wonder if shenanigans will ensue this time around! The crowd really wants to see the most famous third of the old control to load the task manager. They shake hands, and... nothing happens. Guess they're Ring of Honor purists.

16. Kurt's old school, he still has a corded phone! This allows Miz to hang up his call with the invisible one-sided conversation. That's really inconsiderate. Kurt tells him to find a co-star like Miz is the son doing what all the other kids are doing. Maybe he'll find Frankie and get a sandwich or something. Kurt tries to be cool and does some hand motions that resemble that remark somewhat, but because Kurt did it, it's more appealing.

17. Even Neville's music sounds bored with the division. He too has a mentor now to team with, so will we get to see the HAMmerific tag team partnership of Jack and Aries? Please tell me we get that. We've already got Jericho and Dean. Hell yes that's what we're getting!

18. They... I assume disagree with each other in order to attack immediately... And either they failed to hit the ropes separate from each other, or they covered their miss well. And of course, 30 seconds into the match, yet another commercial break so I can see more ridiculous pizza and Italian sub shit.

19. Hey, it's that owl that sponsored a Jeff Hardy match last week. Does he have any info about Tootsie Pops though? That's the key thing. At least they aren't the 8 millionth advertisement to use "Sweet Home Alabama." Even if I liked that song before, it's nails on a chalkboard at this point.

20. In other news, please let David Otunga continue filming some great film on a farm somewhere for the rest of ever. Not that Booker T is the second coming of 1998 JR, but he's massively better than Otunga.

21. Aries gets a hot tag and brings the crowd into it. All four of these guys are putting on a good show, as per usual with them, and Aries gets flung over the ropes onto his knees. That was some Braun with Roman air time right there. Aries then does a diving mildly irritating push through the ropes, and this gets everyone involved again. How they haven't managed to take advantage of a great character like Gentleman Jack more than they have is beyond me. Aries hits the Spinning Fuckpunch, then Jack gets out of the ring to give him his Edge-on-Beulah-style pinfall before coming back in. That was gentlemanly of him to give him his moment in the sun.

22. Weren't the Outlaws and Foley/Funk in a dumpster match before? Or are they just saying it's the first one in RAW history?

23. Every time I see that promo that ends with "Do I have your attention now?" I think of the Pipebomb promo, and all the potential that was wasted a few short months after.

24. Now it's time for a match that was announced surprisingly far in advance, especially considering it was a Kalisto match. Does this mean Roman gets some revenge and Aiden gets to be happy, or will he be swearing endlessly once again?

25. Now he's not just the Mountain among Men, he's a Mountain of a Man. Can you be a mountain as opposed to a man as well as being a man simultaneously? Braun cuts some scathing words on the crowd, because after all, we've got to once again try to make them cheer for Roman, and they've been thanking him for attacking Roman. Easier to do that than modify your approach.

26. Now we get Kalisto, as portrayed by the Boogeyman, and he really wants you to know that he is not garbage. Get it? Cause it's a dumpster match.

27. Okay, thanks for clarifying when the dumpster matches were, Cole. You were informative instead of annoying for once, good job.

28. Braun is facing the smallest member of the roster after fighting the biggest and making the ring smash previously. Braun goes super yelly at him cause again, not wanting the mean man to get the happy yays. Braun catches him in a brainbuster position and instead throws him halfway across the ring. Damn, I don't care how small Kalisto is, that is fucking impressive.

29. Did Braun get into RVD's stash tonight? He looks glazed as fuck.

30. Cole now tried to say monster among men and monster of a man at the same time. Kalisto gets a nice moment going for the 2004 Rumble-style elimination. Finally Kalisto is at least doing something that matters before he returns to upsetting Aiden for being a backstage attacky pawn guy.

31. Braun starts unleashing massive jaw punches, and to WWE's credit, they're now doing the duel-Cena chanting except for Roman. Kalisto somehow hangs on again. He's living up to the promo he gave, and even if he makes a losing effort here, he's getting put over pretty well in the way that they struggled so much initially with Sami. And Kalisto dropkicks him off the apron and HOLY SHIT KALISTO WON?! Oh shit, he is so dead.

32. Now for the beatdown... Where's his buddy Apollo Crews? He goes ChokeHAM crazy. Poor Kalisto can never win a match without having the fuck beaten out of him afterward. Braun has a bloody nose, and I think it's from the hamster falling off the wheel from RVD's stash.

33. Come on, faces have friends! Where are you, MIA Apollo Crews? Braun throws Kalisto in the dumpster, and somehow GM Kurt Angle is totally cool with this, and he's gonna Foley/Funk them with it, isn't he? He's getting pushed off the stage. That's what's going to happen. Angle doesn't come out, and instead sends out Mercury, Finlay, and Noble. I don't think that's going to work. It didn't stop him from the ambulance tipping. I thought Finlay loved to fight though? What's with this?

34. He ties it shut with ratchet straps. He's so going off the edge (No Adam Copeland.) I hope they at least got a clean dumpster. Braun is stalling way too much for there not to be something. The best the locker room could do was the three road agents? The dumpster going off this RAW stage doesn't look terrifying at all because it dropped about a foot and a half. What kind of boss is Kurt Angle to allow all this destruction of property on his watch? Is he too busy trying to figure out how to download an app on his landline?

35. I think Aiden's gonna have a parade Hannibal Buress in New Orleans style, even if the post-match attack rendered it pointless. It's adorable.

36. Hey WWE, your blatantly-obvious crashpad is showing.

37. GM Kurt Angle is nowhere to be seen after the world's most predictable injury. Of course they make it about Roman. They transition it into more about Roman Reigns, and them showing the camera taking the stretcher means that Braun's likely lurking somewhere. Ohai Kurt, you're late as hell! Take matters into your own hands and show him what a wrestling machine is. No, instead let's have Cole plug the damn Roman Reigns interview again. And also give him a hype package. They're really doubling down on this again. They also show him taking in the massive heat like they're face pops. Oh you clever marketing bastards.

38. Can you picture them during other traumatic events in human history? Cole: "The Hindenburg has blown up? Oh, the humanity? What would you be thinking if you were in that fiery zeppelin crash? While we give that half a thought, what would Roman Reigns think about it?

39. Continuing midshow filler, Wyatt's back to rant about the flashbacks in his head. Padding Padding, PADDING! It's also nice of them to give Bray another show off to air pre-produced segments to talk about the other show's title while there's another contender who awaits... arguably the most popular number one contender of all time.

40. Dana Brooke vs. Alicia Fox? NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Once in person was enough! I'd rather relive the 2016 NFL season as a Browns fan without the one fun part!

41. Dana Brooke wins to more silence than a Titus O'Neill and Shining Stars tag team entrance. Emma then gets in the ring to do... something. She hugs her, I assume because Dr. Shelby told her to, and... at least this was mercifully short?

42. Time for the Network shill.

43. Now he's the "Monster OF Men!" Pick a name, damn you!

44. And now, an interview with the team of Club Sandwich and Joe? They're facing Universal Chicken Shill and Crossfit Jesus. That'll at least be fun. Karl uses the word "buttnugget" and Doc goes all 1984 comedy where he might as well be named Ogre. Joe said it, he said the thing, put another dollar in the jar! Aww, they have a hand signal and everything! They're super best friends!

45. To be fair, despite the slow points, this is more of what I'd want out of a go-home show than their previous efforts. Tag matches, productive uses of time, entertaining multiple promos... I dig it.

46. Cole seems really surprised by who comes from the crowd... Who the? Ohmygod, oh my! It's Club Sandwich? Who saw that coming! Enzo gets metric fuckpunched, which improves the quality of the segment immensely. Are we getting a 3-on-2 or a replacement? Maybe it'll be Apollo Crews, fresh from ignoring his friend getting taken out in a dumpster. You didn't think about that, did you Apollo? No, you only think about yourself.

47. Kurt Angle is out, and has a new tag team partner, instead of reprimanding someone for yet another injured star on his watch. Instead they get Finn Balor, so... Yeah, Club Sandwich, that didn't turn out well for you, did it?

48. That's just what happens when you get a match with Samoan Joe, right Michael Cole?

49. I am glad they at least acknowledge that there's external wrestling history outside of WWE, but I'd love to hear them at least elaborate on it a little bit. For not expecting Finn Balor, they're handling it rather well.

50. Crossfit Jesus gets the hot tag, Cass throws some boots, and we're getting high spots that aren't even affecting CFJ's knee anymore. That healed quickly. Was that Brodus Clay in the front row? Look at Finn Balor with the Joe kick, reminding him of shoot matches with Low-ki I'm sure. CFJ decides against the Pedigree and wins with... a high knee? No Curbstomp, I guess? Okay. That's over with now. Fun match though, and it gives us a reason to get angry Joe glare. Joe's lost without his buddy KO. #ReuniteJoeKO

51. Now we've got Alexa Bliss, giving us another women's match that won't be hard to outdo the last. Alexa goes rather HAM, even for her, mocking a Bayley storyline promo. Love it! She also shames them for the WHAT! chant and tricks them into it. It only took 16 years for someone to do that? Okay Alexa, you're my new favorite. You are amazing.

52. Bayley comes out and points out... That she knows Alexa was making fun of her? Wow, you sure called those Mean Girls out. Alexa ends up asking her if she's ever even kissed a boy. Holy shit is she on tonight!

53. Sasha comes out for some more sideshow funtimes, and Alexa ends up leaving because... she's afraid to be in a ring with her? Holy shit, best ever from Alexa. Awesome.

54. Alexa bails on the match rather quickly, and then gets bullied by Bayley. Bayley escapes, then comes back and takes her out from behind. Alexa runs away without any Benny Hill music, and there we go.

55. Backstage, in order to be bygones and such, Dean asks to be taken off The List. Eventually, he gets unmade the List, then he smacks him too many times and likely will get put back on. Can these two and the Gramma Tyrell from Game of Thrones get their own sitcom?

56. Then, for more filler, we get Heath Slater and Curtis Axel plug the Battleground movie, while Rhyno is backstage with his amazing crackers. Man, when Curtis Axel turns you down, you're getting pretty low.

57. MARYSE SPILLED THE CRACKERS! OH FUCK NO YOU DIDN'T!

58. Then, because it's high school, someone passes him a note. Then Curtis Axel realizes he won't be on TV again for a long time and tries to lean back into frame.

59. Now, Curt Hawkins is about to lose to someone. Six more months of this and he'll get a shot at the WWE title. Who gets to join the Star Factory? I suppose that goes right up there with the Hall of Pain?

60. Oh there you are, Apollo, you late asshole!

61. Crews wins, because when he gets going, he's almost impossible to stop. We know that from all the times that's never happened.

62. Oh goody, now Titus O'Neill is also here. He then takes a selfie? Okay.

63. Next on WWE, how will Roman Reigns feel about the condition of Kalisto?

64. During the break, how was Roman Reigns affected by the Make a Wish kids?

65. Man, with a dumpster dive, you'd think they'd treat that as a moment that would be replayed a few times.

66. We even get a replay of the stretcher lift! Then, we get updated that he had "a hip and cervical trauma." #ThoughtsandPrayers indeed. But how did Roman Reigns feel about the prognosis?

67. Oh goodie, another video package involving Roman Reigns! How did Braun Strowman's beard affect Roman Reigns' decision of football team?

68. Is this the Roman Reigns story as told by David Lynch? What is with these sound cues?

69. Backstage, Austin Aries gives Kurt Angle a banana, and that's less hot than it sounds. Miz gets backstage segment number 12, and we're apparently gonna feel really sorry for Ambrose and Jericho. Is it dude from the Punisher who gets knife shot in the neck? Nope. Thanks for that random appearance again, Logan!

70. He wore the Christmas tree jacket!

71. Corey Graves would be a HAM contender on a normal rib stock night after saying he might cry at the beauty of Maryse. Who did Miz get? Mark Henry? John Morrison? Flex Kavana? Or did he get pranked? Dean HAMming it up while following his gaze off in the distance, and Miz tries to cancel the match.

72. Kurt Angle's music hits and oh what I wouldn't have given to hear him be the surprise tag team partner.

73. It's gonna start right now... And by right now, we mean after a commercial break, right? Maybe? Surprisingly not, because we get Jericho stripping the Miz. Miz gets to pay yet again for something he did while being entertaining. He takes a roll out of the ring in that jacket, which I imagine has to be terrifying, and NOW it's the commercial break.

74. "Miz makes his living with his face!" Then why doesn't he have one of those face nicknames the Smackdown guys do? Do only faces get to be on Smackdown?

75. Miz finally gets some offense into this match with the assist of Maryse. With the way the Miz has been rapidly falling, it wouldn't have surprised me if they had him lose without one. Still, why bother talking about a mystery partner and then not have one? That's... really... dumb.

76. That's one hell of a bruise on Miz's thigh!

77. Hot tags in handicap matches are really silly. This makes Booker say "you gotta be kidding me." Um... about what? Miz finally powders like he should've done in the first place. He still manages to continue getting his ass kicked by Dean. Will the tag team partner show up now? Corey Graves and the gang bail and...

78. Bray Wyatt? I guess he did have more to do than weird aside promos. Dean gets Sister Abigailed into the screen, which looks weak as fuck. I thought Wyatt was getting in a feud with Finn. After his one with Orton continued to get weird. Where did this come from?

79. Jericho gets a Codebreaker in there on Miz, cause why the fuck not at this point, and Bray does a Sister Abigal. Are we gonna explain this or just pretend any of this makes sense? It's the latter. Miz then makes the mistake of touching Bray, and gets Sister Abigailed himself. What? Then why'd he agree to be the tag partner in the first place? Huh?

80. This show had some great stuff, but a lot of stupid filler, a lot of questionable-at-best-logic, and strange decisions. But what was good was really good. Payback looks fairly decent.

HAM OF THE NIGHT

Alexa Bliss, if you killed the WHAT! chant, I will give you the rest of the HAM forever.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
4-24-17 - Alexa Bliss

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact patorrez@patorrez.com.

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