IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #289 - Thoughts on SD Live - 4-18-17
By Marissa Laiman
Apr 19, 2017 - 1:15:15 AM
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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #289 - Thoughts on SD Live - 4-18-17
1. This is a troll, right? This has to be a troll. Jinder fucking Mahal in the world title match? After the recent WWE champion fights for a shot at the IC title? Apparently the key to getting a shot at the world title is to come back, win one match, go oh-for-the-century, and do the job for a football guy. What in the absolute fucktetricity is going on? Do they want us to like RAW over Smackdown that badly?
2. Rest in peace, Rosey. Too many ten bell counts for too many too young. 3 Minute Warning, dammit.
3. Now they put the cheesy voiceover guy on the Smackdown preview? They're trying to make me hate it. Fuck you WWE, I'm gonna like it despite your best efforts! What's next, the Shining Stars win the tag titles too? Don't answer that...
4. I've got a bad feeling about all of this. RAW was too good last night. Something trolling this way comes.
5. Apparently my husband is there. Hi Aiden! Oh wait, he's also here... How is that possible?
6. Charlotte Flair emphasizes SEVEN DAYS. Is her new gimmick being the new girl from The Ring? Or maybe she gets to defy ridiculous "how many times should your character be dead?" in a new Fast and Furious spin-off. When did she go from royal queen to whining teenager?
7. Weird, that techno club entrance is weird without the lights. Naomi takes the first opportunity to remind us what show we're watching. Thanks Naomi, I almost forgot myself!
8. Good JBL, Naomi, that outfit is louder than the Oregon Ducks football uniforms, and those are so loud that I can't tell if they're meant to be clever or devices to blind the opponents into thinking that Oregon is a real state.
9. Holy shit, if there was ever a punch right in the fuck, Naomi just threw it. The fuck... DOWN! We then get the strange contrast of Shane's music and Charlotte getting knocked on her ass. Fuck, they're going with the non-title match to get a title match thing again. JBLdammit, it was you ALL ALONG, RAW!
10. The brawl between Charlotte and Naomi starts again with Charlotte cheapshotting her way back in. Then Naomi comes back in, and shit, this feud got interesting quick. This is a nice contrast; some aggression and fury in the women's division.
11. Jinder Mahal is in a JBLdamn number one contender's match. Just thought I'd fucking remind you.
12. WWE is back to facts being self-fellatio, and Nattie has her weekly bitchfest with Shane. For some reason, I think they want me to see Sleight. Don't know why.
13. Look at Carmella coming in there with the Flair signature parody! Then unfortunately Ellsworth also talks. Nattie gets bonus points for threatening to knock him on his ass for calling her sweetie. Love! Now Tamina runs in, because we all remember which gimmick she has this week, and what kind of clusterfuck are they suiting up for now?
14. They're doing it already? The number one contender's match, starring Jinder Hustleloving Matchlosing Social Outcasting Loses More than the Pre-Major League Cleveland Indians Did I Mention Hustle's Favoritest Ever, Jinder JBLmotherfuckingdammit MAHAL?!
15. The lumber in Luke Harper's entrance makes me think he's about to have Regal's old "he's a man!" theme play.
16. Sami Zayn is also in this match, because in Soviet Smackdown, matches lose you! And you just kinda, I don't know, fail upward.
17. Oh please Smackdown, don't let Dolph Ziggler win. The string of obscenities will deafen my ear. Poor Nick Nemeth, he's a really nice guy, but will not let this shit go. I hope Kalisto gets to do something on RAW other than get beaten up in the back so he can mark out a bit. At least Dean (we like Dean) is also there.
18. Remember the six-pack challenge with the British Bulldog back in the day? That was bizarre.
19. Enzo Amore and Luke Harper need to form a new tag team (when Big Cass has enough of saying the same thing every week) called Crazy Eyes. They're managed by Eddie Griffin, and each time they do their wide-eyed thing, a whip crack sounds.
20. Sami Zayn is massively over. That's why he's not going to win. They found out we'd like that. Rowan planting Harper effortlessly is freaking insane though. You also forget how big Jinder actually is until you see him next to those hosses.
21. But JBL, will the winner of this match change their lives forever? That'd probably be true for 5 of these 6, but throwing Zigglesworth in there throws it off. Harper does a high spot and Jinder failed miserably on catching him. So I guess you injure Finn Balor, don't catch a high spot, and you get rewarded? Everything makes sense on Bizarro Smackdown!
22. Ziggler gets powerbombed out of the ring onto the other four! Holy shit, that was cool!
23. Another commercial break already. Yay...
24. I feel like I should show Aiden early Dolph Ziggler matches, where he was mostly a spectacular bump machine.
25. Jinder Mahal almost won the match, and then Luke Harper thought he was in a tag match for a minute. What... the... fuck? It is a great match, you are correct, Smackdown crowd. But remember, someone's career will change forever, and WrestleMania was the Ultimate Thrill Ride!
26. Sami gets to do one of his own dives, and CLEARLY got himself in an uncomfortable place. JBL bless him for trying to cover it though. Wait, who the fuck is that? What are those guys doing here? Where did they come from? No. They're not. They're seriously fucking not...
27. Jinder Mahal is the motherfucking number one contender after going Ofer-2017. Enhancement talent would be generous at best, but JBL, did it change his life forever? I suppose if they wanted to get a unanimously good reaction for Orton, that's one way to do it. Mahal brags about a lot of things, including speaking two languages? Jinder, may I re-introduce you to Cesaro?
28. Jinder Mahal is headlining a Pay-Per-View. Jinder. Mahal. Help me, Hustle-wan-Kinobi, you're my only hope.
29. No no no, I just had to see Jinder Mahal win the number one contender's match, don't make me listen to a Randy Orton promo too...
30. Randy's about to talk, and Jinder does his growly nod face, instead of his usual growly shaky head face. "Congratulations, I guess," paraphrasing Orton there. Best possible reaction ever. Maybe this was to get fans back on his side after he both defeated Wyatt and set dead bodies and property on fire. Randy then takes this opportunity to cut a promo... Against Bray Wyatt. Bray then does pretty much the same video he did last night, except with video proof of Orton committing felonies. Jinder kinda goes away... which is the best thing that's happened since that match was about ready to end.
31. I think I've got it. This episode lineup tonight was an old RAW episode written by Vince Russo, put in a paper shredder, and assembled Mad Libs style, wasn't it?
32. The New Day are coming back, I think as Alice in Wonderland with cereal and ice cream.
33. Then we get a hype video for Shinsuke Nakamura. It's weird seeing a debut video two weeks after the guy debuted, but I also like surprise debuts, so it's a stalemate, really.
34. AJ then keeps up the promo parade, and we still have only had one match so far. He's interrupted by Baron Corbin, so he can shift his weight continuously and awkwardly.
35. THEN, the women's division cosplaying as the cast of Mean Girls passive-aggressively greet Charlotte and shoulder check her on the way to her match. FINALLY we're getting a second match. I think RAW and Smackdown switched uniforms and didn't tell anyone.
36. I feel like Tito here, which isn't a bad thing, but they're rushing the hell out of this by giving this match away for free already, and knowing how RAW tends to work, we're about to see a clean non-title win in order to book a title match. Charlotte does her best to get heel heat, but mostly gets "Woo"s, and anyone who has been to a WWE show ever knows that's all fans do until the show starts.
37. Not to be outdone by Michael Cole calling Nia Jax the most dominant superstar in WWE history, JBL calls Charlotte and Naomi two of the best of all-time. It's equivalent to how every WrestleMania is the greatest WrestleMania of all time.
38. This match, like the brawl earlier, has some Lita/Trish intensity to do it. Oh wow, what a shock, Charlotte pinned Naomi cleanly in a non-title match to get a title match. That never happens... I called it earlier, this is a troll fucking show.
39. Now, back to Charlotte getting sneered at by the Mean Girls, they watch her walk by... And that's it. Thanks for that, it really contributed to the overall show.
40. The Innovators of Silence get jobber entranced, and for the love of JBL, if they beat Alpha after the results of tonight already...
41. I can't imagine why Carlito isn't listed in the wrestling family legacy that JBL uses to try to cover the pure silence surrounding their offense. Hello, darkness, my old friend...
43. Ohai Tye Dillinger. At this rate, he's about to do the job to Bo Dallas.
44. Kevin Owens then comes out on his own face... and I realize how bad that sounds now that I type it... But I was hoping it was the main event so this show could be over. It's not. It's the Face of America open challenge against someone who borrowed Naomi's spare pants. Oh, it's the old hometown cheap pop for a guy who stands absolutely no chance. Bye Gary, your check is in the mail. Holy fuck is this a terrible episode of Smackdown Live.
45. KO then gets... another promo. Going for the easy heat, this is so unlike him, but it's working... I guess. Think he'll call up the Un-Americans from 2002 for advice?
46. AJ and Corbin are in the main event, wrestling due to a feud in an US contender's match, while... Not going there again. Nothing about this makes any damn sense.
47. Hearing super-America-fuck-yeah patriot JBL gush over KO being the Face of America is adorably charming in all the wrong ways.
48. Smackdown's going so well that they're starting the countdown for whatever the fuck Team Ninja Warrior is. It's a rare sight to be relieved by the looming end of Smackdown, but fuck this episode. It's not even over yet, and I stand firm on that. The six-pack challenge was a great match with a questionable-at-best finish. The women's feud was great, but they used something they've done to death over the last year for the finish and easy title match, giving both away for free. The fucking Shining Stars get their 94th failed-before-it-starts push, and the main event is 2/3 of the one we saw last week.
49. AJ goes after KO, and some dude is like WHOAAAAAAAA THAT HAPPENED!!!!!! He's having a much better time than I am. Styles then forearms Corbin into the crowd and he goes away like a magic trick, and then gets back in time to win... via countout. Thank JBL an unusually bad but epically bad episode of Smackdown is over.
HAM OF THE NIGHT
No one gets a HAM. Jinder Mahal wins a shot at the WWE title and the Shining Stars won in the same night. I refuse to give anyone a HAM under those circumstances. Smackdown Live, I award you no points, and may JBL have mercy on your soul.
2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-10-17 - Braun Strowman
4-11-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
4-17-17 - Samoa Joe
4-18-17 - Nobody
Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact email@example.com.