IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #284 - Thoughts on SD Live
By Marissa Laiman
Apr 4, 2017 - 11:02:15 PM
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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #283 - Thoughts on SD Live - 4-4-17
1. One more column until I can rest. One... more... column.
2. The pre-show recap of WrestleMania is the equivalent of Vince showing his grandkids a slideshow, since we still can't show actual highlights in case someone might sign up for the Network to see it two days later.
3. JBL's already trying to justify the crowd reaction instead of WWE running with it, and we start off the show with one of the three Tito-famous OVW Class of 2002 who won at WrestleMania fifteen years later. This match was weird, I have a fond disdain for Randy Orton, this feud was confusing and unpleasant, and what was with those damn bugs?
4. Orton's match was psychological warfare? Did psychological warfare just get real?
5. Good JBL, I am WAY too tired to sit through an Orton promo AND shitty Full Sail camerawork.
6. Thankfully it's short, but Wyatt tells Orton that it's ONLY JUST BEGUNNNNNNN to leeeeeee.. Wait. No, this means this feud is continuing. How is Wyatt going to outdo arson on the felony count to press Orton's mind? How do you really up the ante when you've resorted to that?
7. A House of Horrors match? Is that a Halloween fun time version of the Asylum match? Orton accepts before knowing what it is, because he's a smart one, but at least hanging out with Wyatt has made him learn what emotions are.
8. Wyatt Sabu's into the ring, and even with it being a sneak attack, it doesn't go well. He gets taken out by... Erick Rowan in a gas lamb mask? Well, I guess... Strowman and Harper are already gone, so there's only one left to return. Harper makes the save. We get face run, recently-showered Luke Harper making the save on the guy he turned on recently, but it looks like this is about to get Teddy Long'd.
9. Miz and Maryse get a backstage segment after getting pretty much embarrassed at WrestleMania. It looks like they're sticking with the Power Ranger villain motif, and how many times are they gonna say the phrase "Superstar Shakeup?" They're calling out Cena and Nikki, and hopefully it's at least the Miz's chance to win. Are they starting over with the rosters? That's better than a five-trade in the old format, I think. RAW especially needs roster freshening. Now can they have a draft where they don't handicap the shit out of Smackdown and make it obvious where their preference lies? Only time will tell.
10. Oh hey look, a tag team match with the Wyatts vs. the... Former Wyatts. Surprises!
11. Good for Naomi. I agree with others I've read though who said they ruined the surprise hometown return by having her come back the Smackdown before.
12. One of the three women from whom Conan the Helmsley heard the lamentations at WrestleMania 30, Alexa Bliss, will get her rematch.
13. How often do you get two shows of hometown pops in the same week?
14. We've essentially got the Joker against a Lava Lamp, but I dig it. They both look unique. JBL doing crying noises at David Otunga makes me hate all the things.
15. Thank JBL I can skip the commercials so I don't have to watch USA pretend that Armageddon was a good movie.
16. The crowd appears to be pissed off at someone off screen. What happened, did a security guy do his job again? Aren't the matches themselves just incidental at this point with this crowd?
17. I think Naomi tried to do the GTS, which is Crossfit Jesus doing highspots levels of intelligence with a knee injury she was selling a few minutes ago.
18. Alexa ends up tapping with Naomi retained. Match was fine, though the crowd seemed super distracted. One guy the camera showed was SUPER happy about that. That, or on the tail end of a mushroom trip for the last four days. Either way, super happy people make a super happy Ris.
19. Dean and Corbin in a street fight? Not a No DQ match? But a sanctioned one? Why wasn't the WrestleMania one that way? Pre-show, I guess.
20. Meanwhile, Curt Hawkins reminds us that he is still employed. He said the "superstar shakeup!" Put a dollar in the jar. This is what, the fourth open challenge? OHWAITIT'STYEIDON'TCARE!
21. Perfectly well placed, given them to the count of ten. Perfect. Even if this guy always seemed to be losing. He doesn't have his Disney villain coat though! I figured he was one of the ones on his way up. I really, really, REALLY hope he doesn't lose this match by clean pinfall too!
22. They like Tye so much that they forget to do the DELETE chant for a few seconds, so that's good news.
23. Well... I guess the ten punch is a no-brainer for a move for a guy obsessed with the basis of the metric system to have.
24. Now that we've come back, we have to pretend that winning the Andre the Giant Battle Royal was anything more than an afterthought. That's a bitchin' blazer he has though. Did you know Gronk was involved though? I had no idea. I've never seen him this mellow. It's nice that his promo is about other people. I guess he's not HYPE anymore? What the hell is he even talking about?
25. Tom then uses the word "gamechange" to describe two straight situation, and showing the Vinnie Mac recap makes us put more dollars in the jar.
26. Ohai Mizcena! Wasn't expecting you here! Yes, more of this, please! We're gonna get a live promo from Mizcena and Nikki Bella with a personality? Mizcena isn't wearing jorts though, only a B for the cosplay. He tells the crowd they can't say Cena sucks, which assures us that he will. He then professes his love for Nikki with all the emotion of the Amazon Echo ordering one of the 84 t-shirts Cena has.
27. The ring pop isn't a real diamond? You lied to me, WWE!
28. Mizcena announcing Cena and Nikki's departure gets a huge pop. This is fantastic!
29. Mizcena departs, getting a "No more Cena!" chant started, and HOLYFUCKIT'SAVIOLIN! SHINSUKE! Holy shit, listen to that sing-along! This is AWESOME! We're gonna get some HAM-to-HAM combat right here!
30. Did... Did Shinsuke just have a moment in the corner there? I mean, if there was a pop to have an orgasm for, it's this one, but... I thought this was a PG show.
31. This is Jericho level of debut awesomeness and pop! Let's hope the resulting few months go better than the aforementioned.
32. Wait, that's it? Did Mizcena just leave? I wanted to see a Mizcena confrontation. House rule 4423, you do not interrupt John Cena's theme reprise to debut!
33. We've got two motorcycles and a street fight. Does this mean Corbin will slowly shift his weight... on the street?
34. He has an opponent who is literally always dressed for a street fight, and his name is Dean. We like Dean. But the signifier of a street fight is jeans. That's what Ken Shamrock taught me. How does Dean dress for a street fight? Different color beater?
35. SHHHHHHHHHHHAKKKKKKKKY PICTURE RECAPS!!!!!
36. Dean does the best thing of the night and cuts off the commentary. Dean is beating the FUCK out of Baron. Is it legal though? I'm not sure, please clarify.
37. They're going into the crowd, but Tom has a platitude, so it's headed to commercial. Dammit.
38. They decorated in Hardy accessories while we were gone, and came back just in time for a table spot. That got a "holy shit!" Damn, everyone there must be as tired as I am!
39. This is fun. I don't have too much to say about it, as it's pretty much what'd you expect from these two.
40. I'm so glad JBL is an expert on the internal monologue of Dean Ambrose. Corbin ends up winning though, and... it was fun. I'd have rather had it reversed, as Dean was way more in his element here.
41. Now we've got some Naughty By Nature and a vested commissioner. It was probably the surprise of the night, so where does it go from here? AJ comes out and announces his intention to stay on Smackdown Live because he built the show. Well, he's... not wrong.
42. AJ feels like he owes Shane something after WrestleMania. He offers him... a handshake? Nice! Is this the completion of the AJ face turn that's been implied recently? He does a psych, then ends with mutual respect. I dig it. AJ's gonna be AJ regardless of crowd disposition.
43. Set up the "Shut Your Whore Mouth, JBL!" clock. He was a good boy for WrestleMania, but can they manage on a Smackdown episode? Nope, 34 seconds. You had ONE job, JBL!
44. Is Erick Rowan expecting tear gas? Does that make Randy Orton the riot police?
45. Otunga knows Orton has a gameplan. I assume that's because he kicked him in the fucking head.
46. So let's see how this becomes fresh with Rowan involved? I mean, Orton is definitely the "one of these things is not like the other" wrestler, and that's just the beards!
47. Where else do people get things delivered? They always add "right to your door," as if that clarification was necessary.
48. Luke Harper gets the hot tag, and trips his feet on the ropes doing a dive. He's lucky he's so damn tall, because he still connected anyway.
49. David Otunga tries to say "ever since he embodied the spirit of Sister Abigail" with a straight face. This man went to Harvard.
50. What is this high-pitched thing they're doing after two-counts. Is this the new "TWOOOOOO!" it sounds like the crowd from Countdown on IT Crowd. Is Moss gonna kick some ass after he finishes his milk or something? Better than watching this match after 13 hours of wrestling in four days.
51. They weren't speechless about what was going on at WrestleMania, they were confused. Because seriously, what the fuck WAS that?!
52. Rowan and Harper fighting made us all think there was a DOA reunion for a few seconds.
53. We get some Rob Zombie magic with Bray... What? Rowan ends up getting RKO? Huh? What the hell was supposed to have happened there? Thank JBL I don't care.
54. That was a fun show, but I am absolutely gassed. Thanks to everyone who read any of these columns in the last three days. I appreciate you!
HAM OF THE NIGHT
Shinsuke wins despite not saying a word for his crowdgasm in the corner.
2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena
4-1-17 - Bobby Roode's dueling pianists
4-2-17 - The Undertaker
4-3-17 - Chris Jericho
4-4-17 - Shinsuke Nakamura
Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact firstname.lastname@example.org.