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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #280 - Thoughts on SD Live - 3-28-17
By Marissa Laiman
Mar 28, 2017 - 11:32:09 PM


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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #280 - Thoughts on SD Live - 3-28-17

1. "It's the last Smackdown before the Ultimate Thrill Ride, so on the Ultimate Thrill Ride Road to the Ultimate Thrill Ride WrestleMania, let's have an Ultimate Thrill Ride preview for our Ultimate Thrill Ride Pay-Per-View. Please buy our show! Please! We have Ultimate Thrill Ride Network quotas! Stephanie will emasculate us too!"

2. Oh fuck, not another JBLdamn contract signing! They really turned up the blue lights tonight, didn't they?

3. Listen to these pops for Daniel Bryan. Can any active superstar on the roster get responses like this, and who will be the next one to get even close?

4. Bryan introduces Shane, and I'm hearing some mixed reactions. AJ's popularity has soured some people on him, I suppose. He really did dick him over, so it makes sense.

5. AJ Styles is now the Phenomenal Wolfpac apparently. Too Phenomenal.

6. Shane's still sporting quite a shiner. Dammit JBL, you used the word I used two seconds ago, damn you! Let's settle in for another authority figure/popular star monologuing contract signing. He puts him over huge before the other shoe drops, and that's still refreshing to see. AJ gets an early run on the HAM with his response too.

7. Is there an automatic button the Full Sail guys hit that shows the angle that has the Wrestlemania sign in view? For fuck's sake, is that and 49 mentions of the tag line really the make or break for people teetering on whether or not to buy the show/Network?

8. AJ reminds Shane what happens if he uses any equalizers. Really great point, especially considering that Shane's matches are almost exclusively known for that. AJ fights the urge to say that he's the best in the world at what he does. AJ lists people Shane's been in the ring with for cheap crowd reactions, and they, of course, work. The hyperbole is strong with this one.

9. Did they really manage to make it through an entire promo without making one of them say "ultimate thrill ride?" Holy shit, they made the Undertaker freaking say it last night!

10. Okay, I'm predicting the HAM before it happens. Mizcena takes it for a second straight week. Please keep doing these Miz/Maryse Total Bellas segments. I'd suffer through the E! Network for that.

11. Ellsworth demanding anything threatening is laughable at best. And we've got Becky Lynch taking her spot back on the first match after the opening promo segment.

12. Smack talk before Smack Talk on the commentary table. Carmella steps out of the ring to... Check her gum? That's a thing now, okay.

13. Does anyone have an angle that doesn't involve it being a dream?

14. Mickie and Alexa get into a brawl with all the emotion of Alexa the Amazon thing. Mickie and her Partridge Family outfit are not impressed. Point to the sign.

15. Daniel Bryan gives an ode to Teddy Long, though we don't get to see it, and for the second time already, JBL says the thing I just said a few seconds ago. I don't want to be in a similar mindframe as JBL, JBLdammit!

16. They have recast Ellsworth incredibly well, I'll say that much.

17. Oh goodie, Natalya's coming out... Said no one, ever. That of course brings us to another commercial. She's on commentary... Delightful. In the words of David Otunga: "And you felt the need to come down there and tell us that... why?"

18. Now Natalya's gonna interfere cause... why the fuck not at this point? Becky takes the pin after being tripped, and the heels beat up Steampunk Clementine and Mickie. Wait, what? Naomi?! Comes off injury with a hurricanrana on the freaking ramp! Wow! Point to the sign.

19. Naomi gets to remind everyone that Kelly Kelly dancing in the ring was once an entire segment of television, and that gives us all perspective on how bad things can get.

20. Tyler Breeze and Daniel Bryan jumping up and down saying "buckle up! Buckle up! Buckle up!" was freaking adorable.

21. WWE gets the date of their own WrestleMania wrong. Mania 14 was in 1998, guys.

22. I met Miz on the sidelines of FirstEnergy Stadium back in 2013, but this angle has definitely secured his place as one of my favorite wrestlers. But... Al Roker? Why?

23. I think Mizcena is an impression of Brian Regan but more robotic.

24. Is that Miz being Mizbryan too?! Holy shit, this is even better than last week. I'm laughing so hard I coughed for a good ten seconds.

25. This is my new favorite thing. I don't care, it's all the win.

26. Mizcena's monologue is legendary, and a fucking mic drop. Wow! There's nothing to even add, it's beautiful and amazing and all of the great things.

27. Cena comes out to be a merchandise billboard, but better make sure we get that sign in frame. I sincerely doubt Cena's gonna say anything that can top the last few weeks of Total Bellas impressions. Then again, who could?

28. It's good though. It's damn good. These two are making a subpar WrestleMania have some tremendous undercard buildup.

29. Damn, it's awesome. Where has this Cena been? The firing blanks joke makes Miz ask if there's a burn ward within ten feet of here. Cena's creating fucking POETRY out of this promo. Cena conceding that his impression made him laugh is a great touch too, because denying that it did would make Cena look silly.

30. Cena then turns it up even more. This is what made Cena popular in the first place. He even creatively works in an S-bomb. Segment of the fucking year.

31. Miz has yet to perfect the art of slowly removing dress clothes slowly like Triple H. Then we get to see why Nikki didn't talk the majority of that segment. More that Cena, please and thank you. More all of this segment.

32. The tag gteam division got jobber entranced. And... ohai Dolph Zigglesworth! We're getting some mat wrestling with Jason Jordan! Technical and amateur wrestling for the win. Mr. Laiman is running commentary on Dolph while JBL is having a "kids these days" rant. This has been an extended "everyone beat the piss out of Ziggles" for several minutes, so there's happiness in this room right now on the other side of the couch.

33. A ten-man tag team match that isn't a complete clusterfuck? I don't know how to process this. What a brilliant fast-paced ending sequence. if the Andre Royal was half that fun, someone might care about it! JBLdamn, was that awesome!

34. Luke Harper got new clothes and combed his hair. I guess that's why he needed to get away from Bray. No baths in the house of Sister Abigail. At least he brought "RUN!" back.

35. Did I miss something, or do you get more letters in Scrabble now?

36. The RAW tag match is now a ladder match. Cheers, comment section, you guys called it!

37. This is gonna be a long-ass show on Sunday. It's taken them a good solid few minutes just to run down the card.

38. Now it's time for the favorite Smackdown game in the Laiman household, how long til JBL opens his mouth during the Wyatt entrance? He wasn't even the one who did it this time. Tom, you should know better. 27 seconds, much better time.

39. Okay Truth (No TROOF), your shitty pandering ads were bad enough, but these WWE smoking PSAs feel like those DARE assemblies we used to have in elementary school. Nobody smokes weed anymore, do they? Thanks DARE!

40. Please give Harper some new entrance music.

41. Luke Harper, Tony Nese, and Damien Sandow need to form a stable and a hair club.

42. Harper has been really impressive since his turn. But did Bray Wyatt go for the Rock Bottom after the commercial break? That would've been an interesting reference, especially given what happened with Wyatt and the Rock at WrestleMania this past year.

43. I thought they were booing Harper for a minute, but they're chanting "Luke!" That's great, good for him!

44. This is your weekly reminder that Bray Wyatt's finisher is named after a dead girl whose ashes he smeared on his face a couple weeks ago. That, or he was trying to dress up as a chimney sweep. Wrestling is weird.

45. That was the most awkward Sister Abigail I've ever seen. Someone messed up, I think. Wyatt then looks at the camera like he's using his eyes for the first time. Now that I see the replay, it was only a quick version instead of an awkward one. Fair, sorry about that.

46. The close-ups of Bray Wyatt remind me of a dramatic photo shoot. A very, very strange photo shoot. Then I heard a piano, and for a brief second, I thought Bobby Roode was debuting. Instead, we get a video package of Orton committing creepy felonies. The DVR cut off before I found out what the fuck that thing even was. I've got no words for how batshit crazy this feud has gotten.

47. I'll be damned, it's almost like a go-home show is better if it's fun and exciting instead of boring as hell and saying "ultimate thrill ride" 87 times. Who knew? Great go-home show tonight, one of the best for a PPV I've ever seen. I'll see you guys for the post-Mania RAW, which is sure to be interesting for the crowd if nothing else. Have a happy Mania weekend!


You know what, it's a triple win, even though technically only two people are involved.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
3-27-17 - Big Cass
3-28-17 - Mizcena/Mizbryan/John Cena

Marissa Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact patorrez@patorrez.com.

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