IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #278 - Thoughts on SD Live - 3-21-17
By Marissa Laiman
Mar 21, 2017 - 10:56:16 PM
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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #277 - Thoughts on SD Live - 3-21-17
1. Previously, on Marvel Fight Scene Cinematography, AJ victim blames Shane McMahon during a trip through Mulholland Drive as told by the Deliverance guy. AJ then approaches Daniel Bryan, gloating about his non-fired status while sporting a WrestleMania golf visor. Oh no, they've acknowledged the number of this WrestleMania! Panic on the streets of London! Panic on the streets of Birmingham!
2. Now we're back to three people on the commentary table, which is worse than two but better than four. AJ is still all smiles for his deja vu entrance while his music hitting receives a tremendous pop. Have fun, Aura!
3. You do have to wonder who wouldn't be pissed in AJ's situation. Earning a shot at a huge payday and championship opportunity, only to have some corpse desecrator take it away by committing arson. AJ aimed too low with his felony charges. Holy HAM, Batman, AJ is going more ridiculous than usual.
4. Is WrestleMania the Ultimate Thrill Ride with no Warrior? That's a shame.
5. AJ says "it can go from bad to phenomenally worse." The Monday Night RAW story?
6. Fuck, I gotta see a segment from Total Bellas? I know what I'm skipping tonight.
7. You'll have to forgive me, I was in a panic for a few minutes. I left the room and came back to find out the Miz is re-enacting the events of The Encounter, and the Usos and Alpha are facing again. All right then.
8. Holy shit, Jason Jordan with the hot tag, and he's improving every week. He even hits an Angle Slam, though they call it something else. Hint? Please tell me that's a hint!
9. Gable kicked out of the kick/splash combo! Wow! Where was this intensity last week?
Hard to believe these are the same two tag teams!
10. The Usos end up winning with the dirty assist. Hopefully this means the rematch is at Mania. Great match! Orton and Corbin tonight? And... Cena and Fandango? What? Why is this a thing?
11. It looks like the superstar facts screen thing is here to stay, and I approve of this message. It's a helluva lot better than them congratulating themselves on their social media numbers every week.
12. Meanwhile, Luke Harper is slowly morphing into the villain from Bio-Dome, and his promo game is strong. It's surprising it took this long to get unleashed.
13. I take back everything I said about the Total Bellas thing. Miz with an Animal House reference for the win, but BRIEEEEE MOOOOOOODE! Holy shit, HAM segment of the year. Miz literally popped the balloon as the question as if it was Denholm asking Jen Barber if she's stressed. Game over, everyone. Miz wins the HAM.
14. Meanwhile, Corbin's here to shift his weight slowly while his entrance slowly contaminates itself and impersonates the upper deck at most tapings by blacking itself off.
15. Oh shit, Aiden didn't realize Cobrin attacked Dean with a forklift last week... I think he just jumped Zigglesworth on the angry ranting scale. I don't know if I can take this match though. I need Dean with a hot dog cart to help me out here. There are only so many intense, emotionless stares I can take!
16. I'm listening to commentators debate the semantic of corpse desecration. Where am I even right now?
17. Now they're describing not the guy who committed arson as "merciless."
18. What if David Otunga went back in time as the Smackdown commentator he is right now and organized the Nexus as an attempted cous to prevent RAW from going in the direction it did? What if he's a failed Kyle Reese? Did you ever think about that? No, you only think about yourself.
19. We come back in time to see Corbin spread his arms and shift his weight slowly again. DDP would not be proud of his lack of Hulking it up after bringing his arms to a T. Go back and check the Diamond Dozen, Corbin, you're not engaging right.
20. I think someone told Corbin that he needs to interact with the crowd more. Now he's quoting the McMahon entrance theme. Maybe he left out the "in Hell" part because he didn't want to destroy his last horcrux and get stuck in Limbo. That's how it works, right? I don't know Harry Potter mythos, I only used Lord Voldemort for that wrestler who died ten years ago because it seemed to work.
21. Orton throwing Corbin around is physically impressive. I don't recall Orton doing a Full Nelson slam before, but it works.
22. Not an immensely huge fan of either, but this is a damn good match and Corbin is getting put over like crazy here, even if he's unlikely to win the match itself.
23. Pretty sure the crowd is literally chanting for Dean right now. He must be in the crowd, because we like Dean. Oh no, he's hanging out on Wade Barrett's old podium. Baron Corbin, I'm afraid I've got some bad news!
24. Dean does what he do, and one of the commentators said that Ambrose is back. It's true, he was gone so briefly that I barely knew he was missing at all! Shocking.
25. AJ Styles is hanging out in an open parking lot. Dude, Shane set a guy on fire there once, I wouldn't advise that.
26. A post-match interview with Randy Orton, yay! He doesn't have a response... as he gives a response. Then, someone starts playing with the fucking lightswitch. How rude. He then...morphs into a place where he's surrounded by a bunch of Erick Rowan cosplayers? Bray puts a plastic cattle brand on his crotch, and the guy who spread ashes on his face is still only the second of two creepy main characters in this plot.
27. Cena has a match next, and it's with a guy who went over at WrestleMania a few short years ago. Fandango cuts a promo laughing at jorts while delivering his dialogue like Dr. Frank-n-Furter, but then talks about exposing him and... Yeah I got nothin'.
28. I guess it's just a thing now that Nikki Bella comes out whenever someone mentions her name. So we have to say her name in the mirror three times and we can make her go away? Fandango's offense involves throwing tickets at Cena's bulge. Cena and Nikki then tag team the Fashion Police for the win, and that's significantly less hot than it sounds.
29. Okay WWE, no more commercials with Club Sandwich talking about poop. Go to your room and think about what you've done.
30. Steampunk Clementine isn't in the first match after the promo. That's strange. Carmella and Ellsworth now come to the ring like they're Care Bears in Wonderland, and I'm somewhat disturbed.
31. OhmyJBL, any other night of the year, JBL would've won the HAM for his joke about having a Noah's Ark match. Natalya attacks Carmella, Mickie James goes after her, Alexa Bliss goes into the fray, Ellsworth gets dropkicked by Becky Lynch, and Mickie James spinkicks several feet above Becky's head. I'd say Alexa Bliss ends up standing tall, but we all know better than that.
32. We then get a preview for "the most exciting hour of television" 205 Live, despite the fact that it's on the WWE Network.
33. More of Mizcena. This needs to be a weekly thing. I want to see Mizcena's Rules of John Cena's House. Did he get any from the Wedding Crashers list? He got DDPYoga for Nikki! WIN! WIN! ALL OF THE WIN! HAM OF THE YEAR, JBLdamn this is phenomenal (no AJ). He then buys her a ring... a to-scale RAW ring. "Never ask me to advance your career when the cameras are rolling." But, the ultimate wedding trolljob... Ties the knot, and then can't bunny ear the shoes right. I'm dying over here! Please, more of Mizcena!
34. Renee shows up in time for AJ to find another car pulling up, but it's Rhyno and Slater. Wow, then Shane slips his way in to give us some Naughty By Nature. What a generous guy. That's one helluva shiner he has on his eye!
35. Renee then comes back to let AJ know that Shane's in the arena. No parking lot fight for you, AJ. Should've gone the Ken Shamrock route.
36. We come back with Uncle Shane quoting Principal Richard Vernon shaming Bender again, and AJ finally comes to the ring area while getting the Aaron Sorkin-style Goldberg treatment. JBL describes it with his super serious voice that he usually reserves for interrupting the Wyatt entrance.
37. AJ is suddenly nervous around Shane calling him out? Interesting, but I'll take a heel being vulnerable over ones on a certain other show that never get their comeuppance. Styles becomes afraid of Shane throwing soup bones, but ends up playing suplex city on the outside. AJ's clearing the table, so I'm guessing AJ's about to get an elbow drop.
38. Shane's got some damn impressive balance to stand up on the ropes like that, and the old man's still got some hops! That looks like how we're gonna end Smackdown tonight. Great freaking show, even though Miz stole it without even being there. Fun, exciting, interesting; a Smackdown seldom lacks these things.
HAM OF THE NIGHT
Mizcena. All of the HAM.
2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman
3-14-17 - AJ Styles
3-20-17 - Austin Aries
3-21-17 - Mizcena
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