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Posted in: In Laiman's Terms
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #275 - Thoughts on RAW - 3-13-17
By Marissa Laiman
Mar 13, 2017 - 11:15:18 PM


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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #275 - Thoughts on RAW - 3-13-17

Wow, what a week! I met some of you along my way through Orlando, Deltona, Tampa, Jacksonville, Los Angeles, Seal Beach, and Santa Monica. I met Chris Kluwe too, so there was major fawning going on! I was in Santa Monica, and the beach was covered in fog so badly that I couldn't see anything. Turned out to be a great place for my first professional photo shoot though. Check this out though!

1. The phrase: "The World is talking about 'hashtag BrockvsGoldberg' just feels so painfully forced coming from Michael Cole. It reeks of desperation. Holy shit though, Lesnar has quite a reaction. Corey does his best to pretend like it's a mixed reaction. Heyman starts off the HAM early, and am I glad to be back from my multi-state journey this past week! This crowd loves themselves some Lesnar, singing along with Heyman's song and dance. Wow, it's only 20 days until WrestleMania? I suppose missing one week of programming for vacation can have ramifications.

2. The "Gold-berg!" chant gets drowned out in boos. Heyman brings the multi-faceted HAM that RAW has been missing without his consistent presence. The increasingly over-the-top delivery of "DOWWWWWWWN GOOOOOOOES GOOOOOOLDBERG!" may be my new favorite thing. Excellent opening promo.

3. Meanwhile, an emasculated Willem from Mallrats cosplayer named Mick Foley gets to deal with whatever personality Steph has this segment. All this meaningless discussion comes around to Foley needing to determine someone to fire? Ohhhkay. Clearly three weeks before WrestleMania is the best time to do something like that. Foley asks how long he has to make the decision about thirty seconds after she told him he has until the end of the night, and Foley gets a dramatic slow-cry close-up like he's looking into my crying mirror.

4. Sorry, had some technical difficulties, likely due to the impending weather. I'm back (and I'm better than ever, got a knack for making things better.) I came back just in time for the Cruiserweight match... Joy. Wait, Austin Aries makes his debut tonight?! Forget what I said there, why am I not watching this right now? Instead we get discount Damien Sandow teaming with the guitarist from every garage band ever against MegaMan and Akira.

5. I like this angle of Kendrick showing the kid the ropes, otherwise known as the thing Kelly Kelly feared, and the crowd seems into it. Anything to get them invested in this division, I favor. Spot to the outside, we're headed to a commercial aren't we? Yep...

6. We come back with the faces about to get that hope spot. Interesting that they're having Tozawa be the face-in-peril, given his Giveashitometer is higher than most of the rest of this division combined. Oh hey, there's the miniature Psyclo with a chip on his shoulder, Neville! Glad he's watching intently!

7. Perkins gets one helluva quick house of fire though, and even a TJ chant appears in the Joe Louis arena. Look at the walls one last time, Hoak Hogan! Nese ends up getting the win with the tights, affecting the major storyline by not much, but that's good. Nese probably needed it more than anyone.

8. Club Sandwich gets an interview about their title contenders, and their ending quote is a little creepy when you think about it... They take things when they can't get what they want... Awkward.

9. KO and Joe vs. Jericho and Zayn? On free TV? Wow! Jericho's back apparently, missed that too!

10. Oh no, Biff got future endeavored? Sad! I'm so glad he got sent to Smackdown for one feud to only disappear again. Good use of that awesome entrance theme.

11. Saxton quotes KO saying he's going to get back at Jericho where it hurts the most, and it's the US title? Beg to differ, thought the breaking of a friendship probably meant more, but oh well. Damn, that Y2J chant! KO gets another dramatic spotlight. We get yet another recap of the Festival of Friendship with super dramatic glass crashing and shaky cam cause DRAMA!

12. KO states the obvious that he was never Jericho's best friend, but does it in such a smarmy douchebag way that it's awesome. He then also blames Jericho for using him too, and Owens does a great spin job on justifying his actions. Heel 101, A-plus. We get a lot of shots of KO with the WrestleMania sign, in case we didn't pick up on the subtlety. Point at the sign, KO. It doesn't count if you don't point at the sign. Maybe do it 42 more times, just for that hard Network sell.

13. Ring of Honor is going to be well represented in this match. Good JBL I love Joe's entrance music too. It's hard to take him with his super mad face too seriously when I've seen him be a big teddy bear in person, but I'm still so happy to see him on my television.

14. So for the second straight commercial break, one of the people in the ring has let their entrance music play through it; KO the first, Joe the second. It's been good product, but how freaking awful is that use of time?

15. Holy shit, this crowd is awesome, despite being in Michigan and having maize and blue present. I mean, I suppose they've been waiting for something to cheer for, so this might cure some of those woes and blues, right? Why on earth is this on only at the 9 hour though? And damn, I'd pay to see a regular KO/Joe tag team. That'd be a sight to see, both from a wrestling and performance point of view.

16. Jericho and Owens playing back and forth assures me that the buildup of WrestleMania may have been lackluster before my vacation, but that midcard match will not disappoint. Zayn does a high spot, so we get a shot of a barely interested fan for several seconds before Sami sells the knee. He nods that he's okay, so that'll be the focal point of the match. Saxton pleads for a disqualification with all the intensity of Jim Florentine praising a boy band, and it happens. Jericho makes the save, and the crowd eats it up. Jericho hasn't heard reactions like this in years. It's a shame that the time the heels spent listening to their entrance themes during commercials was longer than the match itself, but those CWC ropes ain't gonna change themselves!

17. Poll: Best name for a potential Joe/KO tag team?

18. Meanwhile, in Passive Aggressive Paradise, Steph tries to get Foley to fire Sami Zayn. Subtle. Nia approaches and demands to be in the Women's title match, and Steph gives her a match with Bayley on the spot. Great...

19. Back on RAW impersonates the Apprentice, Jinder Mahal demands to be treated as a main event talent. I suppose next the Shining Stars will be co-Universal champions. And we've got commentary table with mention of how long it is until WrestleMania, so shill time is coming. They've got a talk show too? This makes me very, very sad.

20. Their guest is the Big Show, just to demonstrate how short they really are, and Big Show's beard comes into the room before he does. And they put him in the Andre the Giant battle royal? Wow, poor guy's not getting his match with Shaq? But not before the Shillmobile comes along. This is a commercial within a Monday Night Interruptions show. This is painful.

21. They get interrupted by Bill Alfonso's whistle, and Titus O'Neill really likes the Jetsons, apparently. What the fuck am I watching?

22. Next, we've got a chimmychanga on a bad speed trip named Enzo and his partner, Edge-on-Stilts. Together, they're going to win the Spelling Bee from that bitch Akeelah. They work in March Madness because TOPICAL! PLEASE USE OUR HASHTAGS! Is it just me, or is Cass throwing down more Brooklyn than usual?

23. Sheamus makes Cass look like he bathes in spray tan. We must be running low on time because a powerslam and an argument is what takes us into commercial.

24. We come back with Cesaro working over Enzo as we assure you that Club Sandwich is, in fact, watching. I'm reassured. Enzo finally tags in, and Cass continues to get better every single week. When's the last time a big guy with this much charisma came along? But, we get yet another DQ ending as Club Sandwich interferes for... reasons. Cesaro tries to come after them and does some sort of weird leap thing past one and to the other. Was he going for the running vaulting Phenomenal Forearm or something?

25. Enzo tries to make the save and is about as effective as he was in the Royal Rumble. Gee, is another contender match on RAW going to be made a triple threat because of interference? I bet later one gets in from pinning the champion in a non-title match. Everyone's RAW Bingo cards are gonna be full tonight!

26. Super serious transition from the Club's devastation to Michael Cole and SJK's people's eyebrow. Smooth. Then we get Braun Strowman yelling at Roman for having to be his first loss, which absolutely no one saw coming... And Taker showed up last week to confront Strowman? Strowman left, out of respect I think, but then we got Roman facing off with the Undertaker? Taker looked at the sign, and the chokeslam of the guy they want to be The Guy got a huge ovation. I don't want to see the riot that ensues if Roman goes over Taker at WrestleMania, even if it's not a streakbreaker... Wow.

27. Foley works his firing spree into surprising everyone... with a triple threat match? Oh snap, that's new!

28. We come back with Jinder Mahal getting to wrestle Roman Reigns. The gong goes off early, but psychological scares are no match for the yard dog. Roman winning here would be the biggest upset since... No, can't even say that with a straight face. Of course Roman wins.

29. He then calls out the Undertaker, but we get... HBK? That was unexpected. I assume he's coming out to warn Roman against the dangers of facing the Undertaker or something? Or... It's just a chance for Roman to show off his new sarcasty face, but I kind of like it. The way he's being an arrogant bastard plays into that heat he's getting, and it works. Continuity from last week's segment too, but with him being a dick about it, it works better than him trying to be smiley and stuff.

30. Roman throws shade at HBK and leaves, but then gets knocked the whole way down the fucking ramp by Braun Strowman, which could not have been fun. Helluva bump though! Another triple threat at WrestleMania? Are they looking to match WrestleMania 2000 for the most multi-competitor matches? Can we get a 24/7 hardcore battle royal in there too? #NiaJax4HCTitle

31. Now, we're going to get the RAW (Wrestling) debut of Austin Aries, and he's facing Daivari, so... Aries wins. We make sure to recognize that Neville is watching this match too. RAW is full of people watching other matches. It's nice that they're so supportive of each other! Austin throws... a back ankle drop or something? Whatever it was, it sets up the Wade Barrett elbow meets the Luke Harper lariat for the win. Still damn cool to see Aries wrestling again. But there's Neville yet again making a pouty angst face at the television screen.

32. Now it's time for recaps with last week and this, including the has-to-be-unanimous HAM of the Night. Any arguments? I doubt it.

33. We come back with the Big Show... And he's facing Titus. The match of the Jetsons. Big Show wins.

34. Recaps, then a hysterical Jericho interview with the modified version of some of his catch phrases from heelness. Insisting that Slick Mercedes is Tom Phillips would be HAM of the night any other night, but Heyman is indestructible when he's on. Working that pop into the List, love it!

35. Bayley's match is next, so that means we get to hear Saxton verbally gyrate over the inflatables. I love how they've been acting like Nia is undefeatable, considering her record resembles Charlotte's, on RAW anyway. Bayley's beaten her multiple times, Sasha beat her at Fast Lane, but we're acting like this was Braun Strowman pre-Fast Lane where the closest to a victory they had was not losing like Sami Zayn.

36. Nonetheless, women in the main event again, and it's not Charlotte. I approve.

37. ANOTHER match thrown out because they won't break the ropes? Are you fucking kidding me? Is this Monday Night DQ? What in the actual fuck?! Three times tonight? Two times to get another person in a title match? There's lazy booking and then there's... This!

38. Meanwhile, the Cruiserweights and the New Day watch Mick Foley walk the Green Mile or something.

39. We come back with a recap of Braun getting hit right in the fuck, and we're getting Roman vs. Braun II next week. And just what you want to see in the main event segment, Stephanie McMahon. They're chanting something, but I can't pick up on it. I'm guessing that Foley ends up being the one getting fired by Stephanie doing her terrible Vince impression.

40. Mick teases finding the perfect person for the moment that will lead to a better version of RAW. Wait, he goes with her! YES!! PLEASE! DEAR JBL, YES PLEASE! Detroit seems to agree with me. It was YOU! IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG, STEPHANIE! And FINALLY, Mick Foley refusing to be further emasculated. Foley's bringing the raw emotion that has been long missing from his role. Wow. So. Long. Overdue.

41. Steph of course tries to do what she does best, and Mick refuses to back down. Then we get Triple H coming out, and this likely won't end well for Foley. Crossfit Jesus involvement too? I'm curious at least to see where this goes.

42. Triple H challenges Mick to say it to his face, and they trade some snark. These are two of the best, with even Triple H calling him a fun little nostalgia act. Damn... They don't let people promo like this anymore. Triple H talks about creating the future to avoid has-beens, which I assume is why the youth movement has filled out the WrestleMania card. The crowd chants for... CM Punk, I think?

43. Foley rips his damn teeth out to make his point. The points keep escalating. Foley's raw sincerity with Triple H's snarkiness... I'm loving it. Triple H then dangles his kids in front of him. Damn. He then does an impression of The Rock doing an impression of Kurt Angle. Foley does the sad face and slowly sets down the mic. He then pulls something out of his pants... Oh shit.

44. Foley attacks Triple H with the Mandible Claw, but gets the physical version of what she's been doing for months and hits him in the nuts. Of course. Triple H then de-jackets really slowly in order to give whatever face will save the day time. And it's Crossfit Jesus on one leg, getting a bigger pop than he has since his face turn, and Foley managed to Wyatt disappear in the process.

45. The lights turn red, CFJ drops the crutch with a sick smile, and shit's about to get real. That must mean that Rollins isn't hurt as badly as we thought. Listen to that pop! H gets kicked out of the ring after being hit twice vaguely in the chest. We may be getting our WrestleMania match after all. Triple H then slowly picks up the crutch and hopes it works as well as a sledgehammer. It doesn't. At first anyway. Then it becomes a proverbial Louisville Slugger on his knee, and Triple H uses that to take his shirt off.

46. The refs come down to break it up as Rollins screams in pain, which they wouldn't have done if he was hurt worse. That's where the show ends.

47. Holy shit, did this RAW have some potential in places but went with the laziest booking possible. However, Heyman... Triple H... Foley... HBK... And even Roman, all on their games tonight despite three DQ endings. Mixed bag would be a good way of putting it. But then, there were also some genuine wastes of time, such as having two entrances in two commercial breaks. WrestleMania at least looks better than it did.


You know who won.

2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
2-27-17 - Mick Foley
2-28-17 - Bray Wyatt
3-13-17 - Paul Heyman

Ris Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact patorrez@patorrez.com.

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