IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #270/271 - Thoughts on RAW and SD Live - 2-21-17
By Marissa Laiman
Feb 21, 2017 - 10:43:22 PM
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IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #271 - Thoughts on SD Live - 2-21-17
Just an FYI, thanks to a certain commenter... I put my promotional stuff at the top so that it's easy to pass over, should you not want to see it. But if you're going to condescend to me or insult me about who I am, I don't need you here. I've got no time for anyone who is going to deadname me, misgender me, disrespect me, or imply that I "play dress-up." If you don't like me, that's fine and I can't change it, but go somewhere else and read another column if that's the case because I'm not fucking interested.
Now, let's have some fun.
1. JBLdammit, the cheesy voice-over guy is back. Come on Smackdown, you're better than this.
2. Aiden has the stopwatch out to time how long JBL interrupts Wyatt's entrance already, and we're starting off with the authority figure people are actually happy to see. D-Bry does the opposite of Steph and makes people happy, especially Aiden who has to be stoned off his ass right now. Just guessing from the laughs.
3. He brings out Naomi, and man is it weird to see that entrance music without the rest of the effects. First-time title winners, it's been rough on them the last few years. Bryan is spot on when he says if anyone can relate to it, it's him. He asks Naomi to relinquish the title because of the 30-day rule, and she calls him Bryan, so she must be really emotional. I really hate having to see something like this.
4. Naturally, Alexa Bliss comes out to gloat about it, garnering some good heat in the process. Damn is she good on the mic, and she flips out at the "WHAT"ers. Phenomenal (no AJ). Great bait-and-switch for some mood whiplash by Bryan too. He books a championship match right now, and it's against Steampunk Clementine!
5. JBL uses the word "obviously" 42 times in a sentence while doing his best Alex Jones impression.
6. Despite having seen this match a bunch of times, it does feel somewhat refreshed now with the recent changes. Interesting though, how does Becky get one instead of Mickie? Alexa is then nice enough to powder so that we can get another commercial break already. Hormones decided they wanted Haagen Daz chocolate ice cream. Problem is, I'm lactose intolerant. Tonight... Hormones won and I paid the price.
7. Listening to them get so excited over a Twitter trend is like watching girls in the 60s see the Beatles live, only slightly less screechy. Alexa suddenly gets a cheap win with the 2011 Diva's Match Ultimate Finisher, and she's now a two-time champion. Kelly Kelly and Eve would be so proud.
8. Mickie then decides to run down to attack Becky, fails, and that's it. Awkward.
9. Someone's backstage doing an "Alas, poor Yorich, I knew him well" and his name is Dean. We like Dean. He's having an argument with a torn picture on the wall from when Baron had more hair. Then we get Kalisto, so Mr. Laiman's going to be inevitably disappointed again. Then Miz gets some foundation before listing his resume, and brags about his movie list. Did they put Mojo Rawley in this match?
10. After we come back with some Facebook stats, Natalya says that Nikki was manufactured in a lab for Instagram likes. That's pretty funny. She is supposed to be the heel, right?
11. We then come in on an entrance already in progress with two guys who split off from Chris Farley auditioning for Chippendales and became Breezango, and they're facing Alpha, who really need some actual competition. They get in a cheap shot to gain the advantage, good move. The match is pretty much over seconds after the hot tag, or in truth, before it started.
12. But then, from the crowd, we get... Miz in the 2004 Diva Search? No, the Usos. That was quick reaction time, eh? What the hell is going on? Are they doing a Rock promo as told by the Ultimate Warrior or something? I'm so incredibly confused...
13. Meanwhile, AJ does his own version of Big E's promo from last night, and he... kicks a thing cause he's going to WrestleMania. Zigglesworth then makes Mr. Laiman's DarkSeid infection come out, and he... superkicks a fake backdrop? What? Was the cue for this segment "kick random things?" Then Mojo Rawley legit gets to believe for a few seconds that he has a shot at anything but the Andre the Giant Battle Royal. Cute. Then, Luke Harper delivers a promo to a lightbulb, likely consulting him on how to sway so effortlessly. It then goes to Nikki Bella, and can she make it through the week without being attacked backstage for once? Someone calls her "fearless?" That's not fair to that Jeff Bridges movie, or Jet Li's version for that matter.
14. I was hoping I'd be able to skip this, but if there's anything that's going to make up for having to watch an Entitlement Twin match, at least weapons are involved. I was reading John Dies at the End between columns, and I'm stuck at a moment that I really wanna find out what happens, so Nikki Bella is keeping me from that. Like I needed another reason to hate watching anything that involves her...
15. Everybody talks too much, and an audible "good job" makes camera. Nice. Nattie has no time for kendo sticks, though I've got a few things to hit with mine, and she clears the table. That, like everyone on the show, is a Smackdown exclusive. Nikki counters a powerbomb through the table with... The sheer force of her angry vagina... Maybe it was the flying squirrels? Then the first commercial shows... A FLYING VAGINA SQUIRREL! IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG!
16. We come back with a Sharpshooter, a move taken so seriously that we wait until it's broken up to return from commercial. That's good news. We end up backstage, because Nikki Bella cannot resist fighting in the back of an arena somewhere, and... Maryse gets caught up in the curtain. Nikki then puts Natalya through a freaking mirror, oh shit. Nattie's out though, interesting. Nikki then hits a spear... Or rather, she runs into her gently and Nattie's nice enough to go down. Nattie then puts in the Sharpshooter, no Nikki reverses it... And Maryse attacks Nikki with a freaking pipe. Damn, she's vicious! Miz drags her away flailing, which is my favorite thing of the night so far, and Nattie wins. Good, I don't care how it happened, a Bella didn't win, so I'm good. Kudos to both of them for their effort, no doubt, but... Thought remains.
17. We then get a commercial for a new season of Chrisley Knows Best, which makes any Bella match seem great by comparison.
18. Smooth transition into ESPN plug there... Then Baron Corbin gives an echo promo from Mankind's old boiler room. He shows more emphasis in his words than he has in the rest of his career combined, but I guess his new catch phrase is "Why? Because Baron Corbin." Okay... Then we get the Wyatts, and I'm curious to see where Randy refusing to fight Bray goes.
19. The fluorescent billboard himself is the first out for the battle royal, so let's see what happens in this mini-second Rumble. Right after the Joker girl from the IT Crowd embarrasses herself in an eHarmony commercial.
20. I'm in my husband's lap and suddenly there's hissing and clawing. Oh, Ziggles is out, that's why. But not before Jack plugs 205Live. Can Tim Curry sing while that blackness takes over his TItan Tron? Please?
21. Now Smackdown gets Phenomenal, and who will get to face Bray at WrestleMania, inevitably forcing Randy Orton to be in yet another triple threat title match at the big show (no Paul.) The beaters are plentiful in this contest. I'm pretty sure the voice from down under is yelling at the television screen while I hide and gently try to write my column. Dean then does a first... A chop right in the fuck. Mauro's asking questions, so yeah... another commercial.
22. Mr. Laiman just screamed into a pillow and hit me with something. Kalisto, win a few matches and save my soul! Is Dolph busted? And he's getting a chair yet again! Apollo is an idiot and steps up on the ropes, allowing himself to be eliminated easily. Apollo then swings at the ghost between Dolph and himself until they're out of sight.
23. Miz does the Bryan taunt and then does four corners of kicks. Please, make this go somewhere. But nope, Cena eliminates Miz for his efforts. No WrestleMania rematch for you, bro. Are we going to another commercial? We sure the fuck are.
24. We come back in time for Cena to suplex two people, and Corbin gets eliminated by Dean. Corbin then pulls him out of the ring and hits his stupid finisher on him, because everyone Mr. Laiman likes is set to have issues. Miz then runs in from nowhere and eliminates Cena? Wait, what? Maybe there will be a Cena/Miz rematch?
25. Now it's down to AJ and Luke. Is AJ gonna play last elimination again? I'd really like to see AJ, even though it'll probably be Luke because of the storylines. Oh wait, Dean's still in this and nearly eliminates them both. Now they're all on the outside. Are they gonna pull a double-finish again? They continue to fight on the outside, and I'm guessing Luke kicks both Dean and AJ off to end it. No, just Dean. Wow, so glad he came back for that.
26. Now we're back to Luke and AJ... again. Will Luke Harper be in a main event of WrestleMania? Styles is on the apron. How does the Phenomenal Forearm get countered into AJ's elimination? Yep, controversial finish. Either way, that was one hell of a contest once it got down to these two. I was really impressed.
27. Daniel Bryam manages to run out without blowing two quads getting in the ring, as far as I could tell anyway... I really hope we're not ending in a draw. There being no winner makes less sense than sending both of them. They did it at WrestleMania 2000, and that turned out... Well, bad example.
28. Bray does creepy entrance thing, and we then in seconds go to fucking Chrisley. AH! KILL IT WITH FIRE! Anyway, Smackdown was good, not great. I think RAW was actually better this week, but they were both decent for different reasons.
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #270 - Thoughts on RAW - 2-20-17
1. Well my lovelies, this girl was on over 5.5 hours of podcasting this weekend, and in between then, drove to Vermont and back. It finally all caught up to me, and I passed out shortly after RAW began and woke up 12 hours later. So I'm catching up and will post both my RAW and Smackdown Live reviews on this thread. Apologies for the delay! Remember when it used to take me until Thursday to post these? And I limited myself to strictly 30 thoughts no matter what? Good times.
2. We get a ridiculously over the top recap of the Festival of Friendship, which is fitting. Love the cinematography and extravagant colors... I'm sure the video editing won't go wrong with the end switch either. Okay, the HAMmy piano jaunty tune makes it even more hilarious. YES! It went straight into Silent Hill creepy! Thankfully they ditched the shitty voice-over and let the story tell itself.
3. Kevin gets introduced to the dark spotlight poem setup, and I wonder if he's going to read us a story. The heat is real, which means this heel turn was so effective. KO has been getting cheers for months, and not just because of Reigns. He compares the nostalgic of what it would've been like to defend the title against Goldberg as a kid and what it's become now. The camera angles are intensifying the moment rather than being obnoxious or distracting. Damn, I'm complimenting RAW a lot this morning...
4. It looks like we're returning to serious, "Fight, Owens! Fight!" Kevin Owens. Good. As fun as JeriKO was, this is better for the title and for the show itself. Great double-meaning and subtle jab with saying that the longer a Goldberg match goes, the less chance he has. He drops the phrase "play the game" alluding to his possible coercion from Triple H last week. He refers to him as "Bill" more than anyone I can remember. That's another subtle show of disrespect and contempt. He then refuses to say anything about Chris Jericho, garnering even more heat, and capping off a freaking excellent heel promo. This is the kind of top villain we need on RAW.
5. Because of the intensity of KO's opening promo, it takes until Cesaro's entrance for Cole to remind us what show we're watching and how long it's been a thing. Whatever, I'll deal with it because he didn't JBL it up and interrupt an intense promo for shameless promotion. Looks like they're following up on the misunderstanding and exchange from the previous two weeks with a face-vs-face schtick here. Enzo has a bit of a cold it seems, as his voice seems deeper and weaker than normal. He grabs a sign and uses it as a prop, which I really like because WWE has significantly lacked good fan interaction during shows for some time now.
6. Great heel comment from Graves about how he "might have to retire again." Unfortunately, Cole is being way too obvious about negotiating the dynamic between the heel/face commentators, and that ruins the whole thing.
7. After a break, that I thankfully get to skip, Sheamus has no problem playing the heel role for extended face heat on the young Ricky Morton of the other tag team. Cesaro gets some insane hangtime on his flip over the ropes.
8. Cesaro is unable to manage the Big Swing on Cass, which would've been damn impressive. Cass then hits a weird version of the Black Hole Slam, I think, and I swear they only counted two. Then again, I'm tired as hell and I might've blacked out for a second. I don't know. Enzo and Cass are the new number one contenders! Good, this'll be an interesting feud. Enzo talks a little too much shit though, and Lobsterhead kicks him right in the fuck. For once, a slow motion replay makes it look more devastating. The crowd gives a "thank you, Sheamus!" chant. That's unexpected.
9. Meanwhile, in "What Does My Beard Look Like This Week?", Foley tells KO that he has a match against Sami Zayn. KO's response is brilliant: "But Mick, I thought you liked Sami." Chilling. He's even wearing his old Commissioner t-shirt. Maybe I should watch RAW on Tuesday mornings from now on. I seem to be enjoying it more.
10. Braun vs. Big Show might register as an anticipated main event if Big Show hadn't gotten tossed from the Rumble in an underwhelming few minutes. Video package recap, skip. Must be a cruiserweight match coming.
11. Then, we get Mick Foley on Steph's phone and Roman with a manbun. The Club Sandwich are interested in facing Roman Reigns again for some reason, and Mick offers them a tag match. Roman's too good for tag team partners though, and we're gonna get another handicap match. Joy.
12. It was a cruiserweight match, but at least we get to see everyone's favorite co-worker who talks about how he inspired Jimi Hendrix. Tozawa's "NO!" while superhero posing was freaking awesome. Tozawa refuses the handshake, which is more of a heel move than anything if you believe in ROH psychology, but once he comes around, Kendrick cheapshots him. Nice. And then... He leaves. That's it? Cole gets it backward when concluding what we just saw, saying "just because he told the man 'I don't want to be your mentor.'" Whoops.
13. Then, Kendrick gets the whole way back to the interviewer already, and he yells about the 17-year-career he's had. His promo is capstoned by Cole reminding us for the second time in 30 seconds that Roman Reigns is in action next. Sell it hard, it might work this time!
14. Even more hilarious is Cole being so excited to say "It's time for the Big Dog!" while the LA crowd boos loud enough to get the mics turned off again. I remember how much I used to hate when the tag team champions would face the WWE champion or another big singles star, and inevitably the two of them weren't enough to do damage to one, and I absolutely hate that. Unlike Smackdown, where the IC champion is basically on the same level as the WWE champion, two men good enough to be tag team champions should not struggle two weeks in a row to beat one guy, even if he thinks he is The Guy.
15. The match gets thrown out for a second straight week, but this time because Roman overcomes the odds and takes on both of them at the same time. But HOLY SHIT, Roman's spear to counter Karl coming off the top rope was FUCKING AWESOME! What a spot! Wow!
16. Still, couldn't we have Roman "send a message" to Braun without it being at the expense of both tag team champions? Especially after we saw the number one contenders' match being treated like a big deal earlier in the night? Way to shit all over that division, RAW.
17. After another recap... We're reminded that the last match between Zayn and Owens was yet again not the "last match." Oh no, a sitdown interview with Bork Laser and Goldberg? I'm really, really glad I DVR'd. Also, apparently they're allowed to refer to WrestleMania as the "grandaddy of them all" again. Glad we're once again allowed to say things that don't offend Vince's weird obsession with certain words and their implications. Can't let wrestling fans know they're watching wrestling, because The Marine 16 might be box office gold if they don't know it's wrestling people.
18. No, not more filler... New Day on TMZ Live, they're the hosts? Why? Talk about a demotion down from being tag team champions. It's mostly them yelling and other people yelling back at them. But now Lana's in the ring in bright red. I forget what I was talking about. Even hearing Big E screaming that they're the WrestleMania hosts is kinda sad.
19. I don't mind Xavier plugging his YouTube show as much as some others. Lana reading the list of New Day's plans might be my favorite thing. Also, nice Big E-Rush Hour reference, though I don't think most people in the audience got it.
20. I'm surprised the WWE is running a storyline of a Russian hacking something on the internet. But I said Lana reading the list of their ingredients for ice cream was the greatest thing ever, but it's now second to Corey Graves freaking out, incredulously asking "Booty Juice? BOOTY JUICE?!"
21. I'm amazed that New Day turned into a special sideshow attraction so quickly. They went from longest-reigning tag champions to fighting random heels and not even being a part of WrestleMania plans. Lana HAMs it up while holding the tablet and continuing to melt down, and Xavier uses Francesca to badly shock her into throwing it back to him. He then destroys the tablet... Well that seems unnecessary... And Jinder gets to take the fall, New Day wins another meaningless mid-show death hour match. The plot to save the ice cream was successful... Ugh.
22. Next, we're gonna have a Cruiserweight title contract signing... At least it has Jack Gallagher in it?
23. If I'm being honest, I don't know much about George "The Animal" Steele. Was a bit before my time, but I still feel for any family, friends, and fans of his that suffered a loss this week.
24. Now, back in the roped-off velvet floor section of 205 plugs, Gentleman Jack has some swanky attire this evening. If I was still pretending to be a guy, I'd rock the hell out of that outfit. Reminds me a lot of my ex-roommate, who dresses like that on a casual occasion. Bonus HAM to Aries for saying the phrase "Jack Hancock." Interesting context, with a British guy having a reference to the Declaration, which was of course signed against the British once upon a time, but that's just my history nerdery coming out.
25. Neville uses his surprise Kane-like pyro thing to come out and signing immediately, but not before being goaded back in by Jack. He has tea and biscuits for proper gentlemanly encounters of the British nature. Interesting choice of chant (Tea and Biscuits) from the crowd, but if it evokes more than silence from the crowd in a Cruiserweight segment, I'm good with that. Neville blames Jack for being a British stereotype or something, but I love the stark contrast between the two of them. All of the mentions of the name "Jack" by Neville are giving me Titanic script reading flashbacks. Seriously, CinemaSins did a running count of every time the names "Jack" or "Rose" are said in that movie. Screenwriting King of the World.
26. Jack saying that he's not playing a gentleman, he is one rings a little too close to home, in that I've had to make that explanation to a lot of family recently, albeit for a different reason and in a different context. Jack has had enough of Neville's bullshit, and takes him out of the ring. I really hope he dresses up like a Kingsman when the sequel comes out. He already has the umbrella. Neville tries to get back in, and Jack holds it to his throat like a sword. Beautiful, both in HAMminess and sell-job by Neville for acting like a real blade is inches from his throat. Okay, that was awesome.
27. Next, we've got Nia Jax "in action," so she's about to smash someone. Surprise, she wins in no time at all. Nia gets a post-match promo where she's mad about not getting a title match yet. Great point, considering how many times all three of them got title matches. The more competitors in the division, the better. Variety is necessary for this division. We didn't just have Trish and Lita, we had Molly, Ivory, Jazz, Jackie, Victoria, Mickie, and many others too.
28. And here comes Bayley, so we get another two-straighter as far as women's matches go. It also means we get to hear Byron pretend like the modification of the tubemen name is something he thought of that second. Cole uses the word "unbenounced" in reference to Bayley, so he wordses good. We're using a lot of time here, so I'm guessing another match that'll start after a commercial.
29. While I agree with this "you deserve it!" chant, that's getting overdone. She and her friends wanted to be "dental hygienists, Britney Spears, and tattoo artists." That's an... eccentric group of friends Bayley, even when you add in pro wrestler to the mix. Bayley's lack of ability to speak without stuttering or flustering through emotion fits here, so good use of your Bayley promo, WWE.
30. Oh goodie, it's been interrupted by Steph. How is she going to speak down and snarl at her this time? It's Condescending Stephanie week, so she's out to speak to her like she's a little girl in trouble. Interesting how the Dana Brooke involvement is left out of all this, but that's indicative of the heel status of the match, so I don't mind too much. Steph claims to know Bayley better than she knows herself, in different words, and insists she relinquish the RAW women's championship. What a load of shit. How many title matches have interference anymore, but let's save it for this one.
31. Before she can, Sasha Banks interrupts a re-enacting of one time Triple H lost the title to Chris Jericho back in 2000. I'll admit, great line by Steph talking about Sasha interfering in Bayley's business. Sasha's snarl about listening to this "garbage" has some real sass to it, so Steph will likely put it down with no repercussion. I'd love to see Sasha spear the hell out of her right about now. Thankfully, she screams to the contrary. More of this Bayley, please! That was awesome!
32. Finally, Charlotte comes out to add her insolence to the conversation. I love how much the women's division is getting featured regardless though, but Sasha cuts her off before she can finish proclaiming royalty or something. I hope the PPV streak ends so we don't have yet another title change. Wait, did Charlotte end that promo with a Squints? She did a Squints. "For-EV-ER!" Steph books the math to start RIIGGGHHT NOWWWWW while Sasha talks more shit and hugs her friend. Wow, a match starting after the break, go figure!
33. For someone whose knee has been cleared, it didn't take her long to start favoring it, did it? This Steph involvement might be interesting if there was some actual payoff in her direction, and since they're women that's technically possible, but that's why it won't happen. They found out we'd like that.
34. Charlotte must have a really shitty RAW record. It'd be nice if they kept track of those sorts of things, since they're all ESPNny and stuff now, maybe with division rankings and contender lists, but we don't have time for that. We've got more Twitters to plug!
35. Sasha takes a nasty fall getting thrown out of the ring, and Michael Cole asking questions indicates that we're headed toward another commercial break... Aye.
36. "Bayley's trending on Twitter! Yay us!" I'm sorry, I know I harp on that a lot, but it feels so desperate and cheap. "We're relevant, I promise! See! We're using the Twitters for the things!" Dana tries to come out for interference, but gets tossed by Bayley. So clearly Bayley was the only one there, and Charlotte tapped because of her. There, it evened out. The distraction was too much for the Queen to handle or something.
37. DDP! YAY! I only caught a bit of his in-ring career, though his ridiculously HAMmy angle leading up to WrestleMania 18 was amazing. He's done great things, for me and for so many former stars who now are improving their bodies so much. My body feels better than it ever has thanks to DDPYoga, and anyone who has done it more than once has caught themselves swearing at Arthur. What he's done for Jake and Scott though, that deserves an induction all on its own.
38. Great continuity with Sami Zayn being regretfully right about Kevin Owens. Somehow I find Sami Zayn throwing down a punk card to Joe ballsier than when he did it to Braun.
39. I guess even the entrance people were so mad at Kevin Owens that they took away his red lights for part of his entrance. Skipping through yet another recap of Owens' attack, let's see how this former rivalry picks back up. Can't be worse than the Fast Lane graphics and sound effects.
40. Psych! Joe attacks him in dress clothes again! Had to know talking that kinda shit wouldn't work out for him, and holy shit did that whip into the turnbuckle look nasty! Owens looks on like, "I didn't wanna work anyway, who has nachos?" Zayn and Jericho against Joe and KO at some point? Cole is then nice enough to repeat what Joe just said three seconds ago, before Zayn tries to get himself up for the match. The crowd chants for Y2J, and please don't rush that already, I'm begging you, WWE!
41. Zayn refuses to let the match be called, and Kevin is really, really mad that he had to do things. You can tell by his yells when he crosses the ring. I do wonder though, before with Sasha and now with Sami, what kind of business (in kayfabe) do they run where they let obviously injured athletes compete in matches? Kevin wins, to no shock whatsoever, so it probably would've served its purpose without the match itself, but I get it. Sami's "never say die!" attitude and such. Byron is nice enough to accept Kevin Owens' message on his behalf. Glad you have those kinda connections, Byron!
42. We get a tale of the tape for Braun vs. Big Show, and the only disappointing part of that is why we don't see that more often. Big Show's down to 383 now though? Wow, thanks DDP! I'm gonna do strength builder myself as soon as this is over.
43. Ivan Koloff passed away too? Damn...
44. Meanwhile, in Santa Land, Mick Foley gets compared to a child by Steph, because she hasn't emasculated him enough yet. Fuck. All. This. Bullshit! Mick at least turns up the anger to yell back at her, but I doubt it'll end up doing any good. Stephanie sells absolutely none of it, then gives an ominous "wouldn't want you to have an accident" threat. Fuck you. When an authority figure is downright invincible and impervious, there's no fucking point.
45. Skipping the pre-taped interview because I already don't care about this match at WrestleMania, and Braun's coming down while the local wrestlers "reinforce" the ring. Are they gonna go for a ring-fallaparty ending? Third time's the charm? It might seem less ridiculous if we hadn't seen four-times that weight in the Rumble itself, but that just spoils the fun, doesn't it?
46. Crossfit Jesus is back next week, but for another fucking sitdown interview... That's the worst part of attending a show live these days. Five minutes of commercials, something pre-taped, then five more minutes of commercials. Too long, too drawn out, and I didn't pay money to watch JBLdamned television in person! Even the crowd gatherings at the stadiums when they're facing the team at their place seem silly to me, but at least they give those away, or at the most charge five bucks. RAW tickets aren't cheap, so I'd rather see more stuff than endless WWE commercials and pre=taped bullshit. Sorry, end rant.
47. Once again, this slow-motion Big Show/Braun standoff might be more awesome if we hadn't already seen it twice. They acknowledge the length of each other's... beards, and then back off and set it up. We've got ourselves a good old-fashioned hoss match, y'all. The crowd already starts chanting "This is Awesome!" so what the fuck do I know? They're only slightly behind the Hyperbole Charts as Michael Cole refers to a wristlock counter as "absolutely incredible." In other news, he was clapping for several minutes at a Randy Orton side chinlock. Standards. Acting like a clothesline might as well be a guillotine is up there, but considering that's been a finisher, it's at least a little less ridiculous. Big Show's doing a great job selling the hell out of Braun's offense and yelling though.
48. Maybe because I was on two podcasts that were related to sex in their nature in the last week, but hearing them repeatedly talk about Braun dominating Big Show has different implications than they intend. Holy hell though, Michael Cole, throw in an orgasm and a reacharound if you're going to get that excited about Braun Strowman. You make Jesse Ventura oogling Rick Rude seem like mild admiration.
49. Big Show is finally able to counter something by not allowing a suplex, but neither of them can get one over on the other. Braun getting chokeslammed is a sight to behold, but the kickout isn't much of a surprise in the last few years. Thankfully, we got a replay in slow motion of fans reacting, so we know how we're supposed to feel about it.
50. Big Show sets Braun up for the superplex, and everyone stands. A KO (No Kevin) punch takes Braun down, and Big Show once again decides to go for the Big Splash. I think he was supposed to catch him, but it turns into the most awkward-looking powerslam I've ever seen. Big Show kicked out though, which is good because it was terrible. The second one looks much better, and before the winner can even be announced, we've got Roman fucking Reigns again. Roman hits two Superman Punches, but Braun counters yet again. They call Braun's strength "supernatural" which might be an allusion to the Undertaker, and that match might be at least interesting from a storytelling point-of-view.
51. Overall, the show started so strong, and it ended pretty well too, but as usual, it was a slog to get through, and that was with DVR skipping. They really need to do something to tighten the ship here. They're perfectly capable of doing it, but they seem to be languishing but wanting to maintain the status quo. I don't know. Either way, I at least had some fun tonight, er... This morning.
HAM OF THE NIGHT
I'm gonna give it to Lana for her performances tonight. Those were over the top, even for her!
And for Smackdown, flailing Maryse. It's an all-blonde HAM week. Now, after five hours of wrestling today, I'm going to bed.
2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
2-20-17 - Lana
2-21-17 - Maryse
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