IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #269 - Thoughts on SD Live - 2-14-17
By Marissa Laiman
Feb 14, 2017 - 10:25:44 PM
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This week, I'm on the PolyAskery and Bi Any Means podcasts, but they're not out yet to link.
So, holy shit guys, we’re hosting a live show for Inciting Incident’s 100th episode on July 14th, 2017 in Carlisle, PA. In addition to me, we have a stunning guest list, which includes Callie Wright, Ari Stillman, Thomas Smith, Andrew Torrez, Noah Lugeons, Eli Bosnick, Heath Enwright, and my foreword writer, Chris Kluwe! Tickets are now available here, though 10-dollar plus Patrons get VIP tickets free, so…
I was also in the Vagina Monologues at Penn this weekend, and will be in Carlisle's performance on March 4th, so if you're in Pennsylvania, it's a good cause, and you get to see me be awesome.
IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #269 - Thoughts on SD Live - 2-14-17
1. Exciting recap of Elimination Chamber here. Instead of a slideshow, we get brief action shots and THEN pictures! Except for Naomi. She only gets pictures except for reaction shots. Take that, Naomi!
2. Starting off right away with the Wyatt's entrance, and the house is counting down how long it takes until JBL ruins it. It's a weekly ritual. Took only 12 seconds this time. It's so awesome to see Bray entering as the champion, finally. I just hope he doesn't get Miz'd.
3. Cena revoked his challenge clause? Huh? I mean, yay for Bray poetics, but what's going on? Did he go to find Emma?
4. Bray is on fire. Wow, he sounds reinvigorated! I'm loving every second of this. He seems to enjoy soaking up the crowd love, and he should, but before he can enjoy the Era of Wyatt too long, John Cena comes out? All right, an explanation is in order. Bray Wyatt's glare of doom is legendary.
5. Cena calls for a chance to show some respect, and it seems genuine at first. But then he claims the fans are brainwashed because they chant "you deserve it!" Damn John, that's rather... heelish of you. But then, it's another opening roll call, because AJ interrupts.
6. Now I'm confused, did I mishear? So he can invoke it later? AJ HAMS it up, trying desperately to match the Festival of Friendship but knowing he won't come close.
7. Daniel Bryan gets the biggest pop of them all, and unfortunately it's not to enter himself into the title picture. He makes it a triple threat title match for the night. Saw it coming but who cares? That'll be a hell of a match!
8. I love Alpha's theme, and they're next. I used theirs and Apollo's to warm up before the show this weekend. Funny thing, my warmup is nearly exactly the same as it was before a wrestling match. They're facing the Ascension as their camera angle descends. Have these guys finally been punished enough, or are the APA going to show up with other vets and beat them up for a few years?
9. How long can they keep Jason Jordan in this tag division purgatory? Smackdown has been great, but they're in need of some fresh faces. The Ascension get an advantage, but then commercial cliche gets delayed until the faces are left in the ring. They're also dressed like they're in the 1980's sidescroller arcade Ninja Turtle game.
10. Alpha end up winning, but it was a good, competitive tag team match. Well done on all accounts. Seems Ascension finally are back to being more than battle royal early eliminations. Kudos to the commentators for selling the hell out of their effort as well.
11. Meanwhile, Dean Ambrose is looking for Baron Corbin but gets to insult Ellsworth and Carmella in the process. He uses his own unique HAM to "beat the crap out of him right now." Enzo Ali G is confused as to how that happened, and Carmella does her best Mean Girls... Nah, I'll go with Not Another Teen Movie level of douchey. "It's already been BROUGHTEN!"
12. The commentators sell the Hall of Fame event the best they can, while the camera tries really hard not to pan low enough to get Ellsworth's hat. They fail. He cuts a promo and... At least he's trying? But he's facing someone and his name is Dean. We like Dean.
13. Dean doesn't come out. Is he getting Nikki Bella'd? Yep. Baron Corbin comes out like Undertaker dragging X-Pac, so it appears that's where we're going with this. Ambrose starts to fight back in the most epic Irish Whip counter I've seen in a while. Ambrose ends up getting thrown into pyro that explodes way too early. Please tell me he's getting a stuttering gimmick. Someone had some bad timing on the trigger button.
14. We get a recap of Nikki Bella getting attacked backstage, take 235. I really hope I have enough skipping left on the DVR. Daniel Bryan tells her that she has to stop, instead of telling everyone to stop attacking Nikki backstage every JBLdamn week. They stutter through it "uh no, uh yes, uh wait I'm supposed to have an emotion here, right?" Then... FOR FUCK'S SAKE, Nikki gets attacked backstage AGAIN! Daniel Bryan turns up the HAM like he's telling Harold to shut up, and Nikki still sounds like she doesn't give a shit.
15. After two minutes of recaps, Baron Corbin asks himself questions and answers them in an interview. It's apparently Dean's fault that he's not champion, so... Yeah, that's all he wants to say. All right then. I think I'll like this feud. Then, in another backstage interview, Zigglesworth gets to piss off my husband even more. Mr. Laiman is flipping off the television right now and making noises that I can only describe as the shit that Sauron whispers through the palantir.
16. After more strings of obscenities worthy of the time on the IT Crowd when someone used Doc Martens to jump on Jen's feet, Steampunk Clementine is out for her rematch against Mickie, because... We just have random rematches of the PPV matches we saw two days ago because we can? I don't know. Our Valentine's Day tradition is to watch The Room, so it can't be worse than what's after this column. What a story!
17. I heart Mickie's outfits. I wouldn't wear them, but I do like them. That entrance theme though? It sounds like something that comes pre-programmed into your first Casio keyboard. Mr. Laiman has now moved on to Rassa-Frassas Joe Pesci-in-Home-Alone style. This is as entertaining as the show itself. Some week we'll do a Facebook live broadcast just so you can see his face when Dolph, Baron, and anyone who hurts his faves comes out.
18. Having Mickie James around for the rest of this division is a damn good idea though. Only good can come from working with the rest of the girls in this division, because most of them are young and relatively inexperienced. I'd like to see a veteran on RAW doing the same thing with Charlotte, Baylwy, and Sasha, though it would also be to break up the matches a bit too.
19. I want to see Mickie bring back more of that crazy she used to have. Maybe not "implied cunnilingus" crazy, but crazy. She's getting some nice shine in this match, even if they are giving it the Brian Kendrick in CWC treatment a bit. I do think she needs to win this one, otherwise she's coming back as high-profile enhancement talent.
20. The exchange with Mickie after she gets out of the ring is somewhat awkward as they continue to sell the injury, but I think she's Guerreroing. Yep. Becky almost kicks out in time. Fun match, good win for Mickie, Becky doesn't look bad coming out of it either.
21. We get two straight women's segments, but not after they yet again promote the exact same shit they did last night. But apparently Naomi's injured? Not you too! Don't tell me she has to give up the title too. We've had too many of those recently.
22. But before Naomi can further celebrate, Alexa comes out to troll. "Did the glowworm get a boo-boo?" Okay, that's freaking awesome. Naomi starts getting all serious, while Alexa tries to play off not being intimidated. Alexa gets better every week, but Naomi gets intense when she has someone to argue with. This is a surprisingly good feud.
23. After Otunga gives one of the worst script reads ever, not to mention the camera stays on him long enough to be awkward, they use their show to plug another show.
24. Now it's time for the triple threat title match, and it looks like it's gonna get a good half hour here. I'm pretty sure Cena directly quotes the intro to "Lose Yourself" as he shills more merchandise, and they're already promoting Money in the Bank. Wow.
25. Did they catch Cena nodding along with AJ's theme? I love accidental little earthquakes like that. I'm also not sure what's worse: JBL saying "Holla holla" or "H-B-Shizzle." I'll give an old fashiioned Jaded Hope-style BOB SAGET SAYS STOP IT!
26. Timer on again, and it takes less than three seconds. Or, as Aiden's ex would call it, time enough for two rounds.
27. Luke Harper gets to use his teleporting magic to confront Bray Wyatt, and starts beating the shit out of him before Bray can get his jacket off. Harper then does his little shivvy. It drives the women here in Cleveland crazy. We get another commercial so we can see the preview of a Will Ferrell movie that you couldn't pay me to watch. I'd rather sit through eighteen rounds of Roman Reigns guest-starring on Chrisley Knows Best while trying to do Whose Line skits.
28. Really? The one match they decide to start during the commercial is the main event title match? All the other ones that they wait to start until afterward, this is the one? AJ Styles also hasn't learned not to go for the clothesline after two shoulder blocks. Bitches don't learn. Bray's finally back in it after the break, conveniently, and now they're all outside like a commercial break is starting again. The crowd loves themselves some AJ.
29. JBLDammit, twice in one match? Both of these competitors, shame. ::clang:: Shame! ::clang:: Shame! Bray tosses Cena away from a Sister Abigail about five seconds before AJ flies off the ropes at him, and Cena ends up getting a nearfall with a not-FU. Wyatt then shows us how a crab walks, but gets his pinfall broken up by a flying AJ. And they head into yet another commercial. Damn.
30. We come back right in the middle of a high spot, and hearing Mauro that freaking excited with no buildup is jarring as hell. He then does it again to make sure the table breaks this time, and the crowd is absolutely loving it. I bet we would too, if we got to see the match without all those JBLDamn interruptions. Where's my crying mirror, dammit? At least we get a crowd replay with an awkward Yankee fan. Joy.
31. Cena powers through AJ's resistance, but his cockiness gets the better of him, and somehow AJ switches a second attempt into a calf crusher. Nice throwback to their Rumble match. But then Cena reverses it into a not-STFU, and shit be crazy. Bray is not a fan of tables and manages to save the match. Yes, that's a good time to show the dumb Twitter feed. Cena counters a crabwalk with another FU, and Bray kicks out of that one too. Maybe he needs a new finishing move.
32. Cena gets himself out of a Styles Clash, and Smackdown's main event sure is delivering yet again. WWE in general is delivering this week. AJ gets caught on the ropes, Bray hits the Sister Abigail on Cena, and apparently it only takes one of those to keep Cena down. Great match, surprising ending, Bray retains, and Cena takes the clean fall.
33. Randy Orton's music hits, and he doesn't have the House of 1000 Corpses twist on the theme, and it looks like we're gonna get awkward staredown number two, despite Mauro saying that the road to WrestleMania wasn't anywhere close to being complete. Ooh, this time Orton steps closer to the ring as they stare at each other. New development!
34. Orton's got a mic after spending an Undertaker WrestleMania entrance staring at Bray. He reminds us who won the Rumble and who the champion is. Orton says that he refuses to face Bray at WrestleMania. Speaking of Undertaker, that's some 1998 Kane feud stuff right there, but an interesting and unexpected development. He pledges his undying allegiance. Is it a swerve? He's General Zod'ing him, isn't he? Bray tells him that he has the keys to the kingdom now, and nope, no General Zod psych out this time. I like this! I like this a lot!
Now, off to spend the rest of Valentine's Day with Aiden and our yearly viewing of the Room. Enjoy your day, my friends!
HAM OF THE NIGHT
Tempting as it is to give it to Bryan again, I think I gotta give it to Alexa Bliss. Her opening line made me laugh my ass off.
2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-13-17 - Chris Jericho
2-14-17 - Alexa Bliss
Ris Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact firstname.lastname@example.org.