IN LAIMAN'S TERMS #267 - Thoughts on SD Live - 2-7-17
By Ris Laiman
Feb 7, 2017 - 10:55:13 PM
Support In Laiman's Terms on Patreon
Inciting Incident Facebook Page
Twitter - @RisMcCool
Email - email@example.com
Check out The PC Lie, Marissa’s newest book with the foreword by Chris Kluwe, and contributing essays from Andrew Torrez, Eli Bosnick, and many others! Available on Amazon, CreateSpace, or a personally-signed copy by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org . Support her writing and get early access to her next book False Start: A Novel, not to mention the second edition of Taking Bumps, at Support Marissa’s writing on Patreon
This week, I was on the Utah Outcasts podcast, which you can find Here
There's also an article about me in the Daily Pennsylvanian, the UPenn newspaper, which you can find: Here
So, holy shit guys, we’re hosting a live show for Inciting Incident’s 100th episode on July 14th, 2017 in Carlisle, PA. In addition to me, we have a stunning guest list, which includes Callie Wright, Ari Stillman, Thomas Smith, Andrew Torrez, Noah Lugeons, Eli Bosnick, Heath Enwright, and my foreword writer, Chris Kluwe! Tickets are now available here, though 10-dollar plus Patrons get VIP tickets free, so…
IN LAIMAN’S TERMS #267 - Thoughts on Smackdown Live - 2-7-17
1. Here we go. I'm still giddy over being featured on page two of the school paper, which you can read above.
2. As I said in last night's column, the fact that they're having this match tonight implies to me that the WrestleMania match will not be these two. But this buildup, trying to make this incarnation exciting, even with that buildup, isn't doing it for me. Maybe the young fans will be excited for it at least? I'm looking for silver linings here.
3. Speaking of the shirt I changed into when I got home, Daniel Bryan opens the show. He's also wearing a shirt that I have, except mine has the shape of Minnesota. Holy shit, that reaction though...
4. Is this the night something emerges with him and the Miz finally? Hey, it's the anti-Roman Reigns! They turn the mics up instead of down! He references the retirement speech, and I'm hoping this is the bait-and-switch. The WWE could really use him right now. Maybe not though, because he's gonna be a Dad. Aww!
5. Here's the Miz. All right, Smackdown, save yet another week. Miz, be the smarmy douche you've been recently. Miz, whose coat looks like he's Neo Anderson as told by a Taker druid, balances out the reaction with instant heat just for showing up. Make magic happen, Smackdown! I'm counting on you!
6. Miz doesn't even know "while you are here." Whoops. Bryan burns him in return, finally. Only took six months of trash talk for that to happen. The Miz does his audition for a kindergarten teacher, in case the movie career doesn't work out, and it's working to perfection. He yells "At Elimination Chamber!" four times and is drowned out by the chants.
7. I guess we were having too much fun, because here comes Baron Corbin. Holy shit, his entrance is being taken over by Hexus! Slime beneath me! Slime from above! OOOOH, TOXIC LOVE... wolf. Corbin talks more smack, and is desperately trying to fit in. Bryan feigns emotion and sounds like Corbin normally does, and pleads Corbin not to punch Miz in the face. Early HAM contender.
8. Someone else comes out, and his name is Dean. We like Dean. He makes fun of Miz's coat, because he thinks Miz looks like a shoe. Maybe Wade Barrett's coat as if told by a bowling shoe. This is gonna be a clusterfuck with all the competitors coming out after everyone says they're going to be champion, isn't it?
9. I suppose this Smackdown was feeling under-Phenomenal, and here he is to yet another huge pop himself. Wait, did he just use the word "ticklebutt?" Everyone thinks they're going to win the Elimination Chamber. The entire section of 128 just said they're going to win the Elimination Chamber! Is Bryan gonna Teddy Long it? No, a Fatal Four Way instead, but it's right now... No time to let it build, but still, already awesome.
10. They're nice enough to wait until we come back from commercial to start. Everyone's wearing some black tonight, and this is how you use your Baron Corbin. I know I give him shit, but I like how Miz tries to appeal to his better judgment and he shakes his head. I like that. People get knocked in, then out, then in, then back out, and then stretched out, balding Jon Snow decides he's waited long enough to throw Miz's mouth into a pole. Good call, sir.
11. Did anyone notice Dean Ambrose being pinned by an invisible walrus when Miz tried to pin AJ? He even hooked the leg. That is a talented walrus.
12. Then there's a series of about 84 Ultimate 2011 Diva's Finisher, and it's the equivalent of taking a few airplane spins. I'd say I know what that's like, but I was already concussed the one time I took one.
13. We come back in time to give Baron Corbin the Super Indy spot. I don't care how many times it happens, it's awesome. This match is fantastic. Everyone's getting their featured spots, the match is well-paced and entertaining, and we don't have to wait most of the show to see it. I may be skipping through the commercials, but I dig it.
14. Styles tries to springboard onto Dean, but he kicks him right in the fuck for his efforts. Then it turns into an episode of Dean having enough of everyone's shit. Corbin ends up getting the win on AJ. Wow. What a match. That is how you do an exciting four-way match.
15. Ooh, I can skip the shameless Network plugs! What a luxury! Aiden is pleading for no Ziggles/Kalisto match. Mr. Laiman, shall your request be granted?
16. Again Luke Harper gets to use the Wyatt set, and he also sounds almost identical to Bray. I ask like I did last week: When you turn on the Family, do you get to keep your Bayou Teleportation Mindfuck Powers? Harper's been working on his promos, and he is not a fan of Orton. That was fucking poetic.
17. Another recap of Nikki/Natalya? Skip! Skip! Thank you, Spring 2017 Schedule!
18. Ooh, now we've got Apollo and Zigglesworth. Aiden is still ranting at Ziggler. This is hysterical. He's so JBLdamn cute, you have no idea. When he's mad at a wrestler, I love to listen to him rant about it. It eventually turns into a series of unintelligible mumbles.
19. So does the immensely talented yet under-utilized Apollo Crews finally get his first real feud? If Dolph sets up for the superkick this early, that's a no. Wait, he got a super quick sneaky win! And before the ink on the contract dries, Zigglypuff lets out the lion's mane and attacks him afterward. He takes a front face bump to the outside and grabs a chair again. I guess this is the super aggressive version of Christian's 2002 tantrums.
20. Kalisto makes the save, and I lost my hearing for a second. But it doesn't last, as Kalisto is nice enough to not fall off the top rope, and the mood in the room changed back yet again, like a Michigan fan realizing they're about to lose yet again. So now we're at the exact same point we were last night, and no GM or Commissioner to do anything about it? Progress? Anyone? Explanation? Handicap match at EC?
21. We come back with Zigglesworth finally being confronted by an authority figure. Where's DDP's motivational seminar when we need it? Yep, we're getting the latter of thought 20. Zigglediggle is not impressed.
22. Ooh, it's a duel contract signing? This might make it more exciting. Not too bad though, considering I only now realized it's a go-home show. That's saying something. Hey, person who came to see Becky Lynch! Your sign is upside down!
23. The heels come out first, before we get the loudest outfit this side of the PGA. Steampunk Clementine, however, does a great impression of a white girl trying to figure out how to do a handshake.
24. Mickie James starts saying something, but I'm not hearing words at the moment. Hey, just because I'm a chick doesn't mean I stop noticing them... Shut up. You need a minute. Not me.
25. Thanks for coming again, Renee. Your check is in the mail. Mickie is doing that thing where she articulates every syllable again... I'm guessing because she can't make another cunnilingus reference like WrestleMania 22, but I could be wrong. Or hopeful. Or not... Shut up!
26. Steampunk Clementine calls Alexa Bliss a YouTube commenter, or something along those lines, and calls her out on the BS of thinking everyone's trying to erase her. For a moment, I thought she was starting to quote Billy Kidman's old weird DMX-like theme, but I don't even think WWE remembers that.
27. There's a "troll!" chant going on. Oh no, they're eating her alive! That means next, they're going to eat... ME! OHMYJBLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
28. Oh, completely forgetting about Naomi. Her reaction is priceless. Wow! Naomi is having none of her bullshit. Naomi says she's gonna keep on... "snatching you bald?" Um... Help? We're headed toward WrestleMania, point at the sign, point at the fucking sign! Show the angle, we don't know what show she's talking about without the visual confirmation! There it is!
29. I'd say this turned into an old-fashioned girl fight, but there's far less hair pulling. Thankfully they caught Naomi doing a dive, because that looked head-heavy for a second. They put them back in the ring so they can get back out again. Who cares? Fun! It's fun! Love it!
30. Alpha is next, in their best effort to further become the new generation of Haas and Benjamin, and they've just given up on the tag division to yet again have all the teams face each other. I suppose Smackdown has a weak point that's not Nikki Bella, but even this is fun. Wait, Breezango are faces now? Was the loss of the Hype Bros that devastating to the face side of the Smackdown Tag Division?
31. Once again, another fun multi-wrestler match where things are happening and it's entertaining. The crowd demands that they get Rhyno. That was.. unexpected?
32. When we come back, Heath Slater gets knocked down and keeps falling into someone else as they try for a pinfall. I guess when you get 12 wrestlers involved in a match, mix-ups like that can occur. This crowd loves them some Rhyno. Did I miss something? He's from Michigan, isn't he?
33. As expected, it breaks down into a good ol' slobberknocker clusterfuck. The Vaudevillains get sent to the Alpha version of Suplex City... Germantown Manor? I'm working on it. Rhyno sets up for the GORE! GORE! GORE! And it made Washington's night, but who comes back with the win but... Viktor? The Ascension? That's the first time they've won since... I don't remember ever seeing them win a match. That was unexpected, to say the least!
34. Oh look, David Otunga is making his grumpy face on another show.
35. Cena/Orton is next, and I'm going to do my best to give a shit. I promise. I've had too much fun with this show to not.
36. The main event is next... No wait, the same "OMG THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER IS SUPER SERIAL, U GUYS!" promo from last night has to play again. BUY THE NETWORK JBLDAMMIT!!!!!1!1!1!1!!!!!!1
37. Aiden thinks that Miz looks 12. I wonder what he'd say about him back in the Diva Search days.
38. Let's see how long JBL can keep his mouth shut during the entrance. Fuck, they cut in the awesomeness of the entrance with stupid show promotion graphics, and the entire household collectively went "MOTHERFUCKER!" I swear, that was a thing that happened.
39. This crowd has been amazing all night. They've managed to be a great part of the show without trying to make it about them or congratulate themselves on how awesome they are.
40. Otunga claims that this is the best John Cena we've ever seen. It's the best of at least the last few years, that's for sure. We've got ourselves a Randy Orton staple: the dreaded sort of sleeper chinlock thing that only makes me think of Spoony playing VCR WrestleMania and winning with a headlock. Mauro's asking a question, it's about to go to break. Yep.
41. I said before that I'd try to be positive because oh how much fun the non-skipped portion of the show was. I'll say this... It sure is in sharp focus. Sorry, I know this is a huge match in kayfabe, but I couldn't stand watching these two wrestle each other ten years ago, let alone now. Maybe they're too similar, I don't know. It's more of Tito's hashtag about their origins, so I won't go there. Not because I disagree, but because it's his thing.
42. Some girl in the front row got pushed back by a security guy standing right in front of them. Better make sure those people who paid triple digits can't see what's going on, great idea.
43. Is that a WhatCulture Wrestling King Ross reference slash with the stupid Cash Me Outside thing? All right, it is.
44. Man, the not-FU can't keep anyone down after one anymore. Cena goes to the top rope, but I guess Orton's totes coolio now, and he does the ropes DDT from the turnbuckle. That was cool. Randy's stalking away from Cena and not touching him. I hope that's selling and not Cena being hurt. Orton points to his head because we're too stupid to know that he hears the voices in his head, they talk to him, they understand. He hits an RKO, but Cena kicks out. The finisher fans are not going to like this.
45. Orton grabs the ropes to prevent an AA, for some reason, and oh snap, it knocks off the ref. Cena makes Orton tap almost immediately to a severely-unclenched STFU, and shocker... Wyatt attacks. Damn, that ref sure got taken out by a wandering foot. Cena and Orton both get taken out, and who comes to make the save but Luke Harper doing his best D'Von Dudley after a high spot while thinking of D'Lo Brown shakey time.
46. Harper finally manages to clothesline the shit out of Bray. Orton goes for the RKO, but runs right into Cena, and damn, the ref's made his way back from that head tap, and Cena gets the win. And another King Ross sign.
47. This show was awesome. I might have to watch Elimination Chamber now, dammit. But for once, a go-home show did its job. Go figure. Great show, no complaints.
HAM OF THE NIGHT
Bryan again regains his 2012 form with a win here for his moments in the opening promo. Honorable mention to Luke Harper's super serial shaky spasms.
2012 - Daniel Bryan
2013 - Paul Heyman
2016 - Chris Jericho
1-2-17 - Kevin Owens
1-3-17 - Jack Gallagher
1-9-17 - Shawn Michaels
1-10-17 - Dean Ambrose
1-16-17 - Sami Zayn
1-17-17 - John Cena
1-23-17 - Xavier Woods
1-24-17 - James Ellsworth
1-30-17 - Mick Foley
1-31-17 - Daniel Bryan
2-6-17 - Goldberg
2-7-17 - Daniel Bryan
Ris Laiman, In Laiman’s Terms, and Inciting Incident are owned by It’s a Shameful Thing, Lobsterhead, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. For media or inquiries, please contact email@example.com.