30 Thoughts with Al Laiman - RAW 6-10-13
By Al Laiman
Jun 11, 2013 - 12:01:57 PM
credit Tom Jenner
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30 Thoughts with Al Laiman - RAW 6-10-13 - IN LAIMAN'S TERMS
1. Welcome to another edition of 30 Thoughts, on the eve of course of HAM Radio Weekly's live debut, tomorrow at 3pm EST. RAW opens up with the familiar Motorhead anthem, as we continue the storyline that makes the fans seem like uncaring assholes. The high drama continues this week with the full entrance and mist galore. He couldn't outspit Muta though, just saying. The artist formerly known as Michael McGillicutty is his opponent, and it's getting started right away. I'm sure Triple H is ready to curtain jerk with no shenanigans whatsoever. The ring bell sounds different; maybe they got a cowbell like that time we had to in Newville with Chris Sabin. Triple H gets the early shine, but oh noez...
2. "No Chance In Hell" hits a minute into the match, and it gives Axel a chance in hell to start coming back... No wait, he just got tossed by the power of Vince's pink paisley tie. Vince makes Justin Roberts announce the winner as Curtis Axel via disqualification, so... Yeah, Curtis Axel has now beaten Triple H and John Cena twice. They must really think the world of this guy. Hey, we're onto the second match already though, as Triple H uses his job description to re-start the match. Maybe John Laurinaitis will get some work in here.
3. Vince comes back down to a strong heel reaction, and forces Justin Roberts to announce Curtis Axel as the winner via forfeit this time. Make that a triple victory over Triple H. Triple H steps out of the ring and yells at Justin Roberts, who looks like Lilian Garcia being stalked by Viscera. H makes the match re-start as a 60-minute Iron Man match, and this is absolute chaos. Vince walks down for the third time. Vince takes the bell and goes home, which explains why it sounded different this time. This is a bit confusing, but they say it might be the most humiliating experience of Triple H's life. I'm sure pretending to bang a girl in a coffin doesn't rank up there at all.
4. Triple H and Stephanie are backstage discussing Vince's embarrassment of him. Steph begs him not to hurt her Dad because he's not getting any younger, and urges him to think about the moments with her kids. H says that Steph needs to go talk to him because it won't end well if he does, and this H-heavy episode continues.
5. The big explosion rocks the arena, and Kane comes out for his match with Dean Ambrose. Looks like in the replay, Kane had some serious HAM on Smackdown last week. I never thought I'd see the day where Kane was playing the "always-there girlfriend who goes unappreciated" role in any relationship, but as they used to say, "Anything can happen in the WWE!" JBL tries very hard to not sound like it's killing his soul to say he loves Hardees burgers, and the no-bell match starts. Kane's frustration is visible, as he goes for several quick pinfalls to no avail. Kane continues dominating the beginning of the match, and Ambrose is doing a great job selling his offense. Another ref finally brings down the ring bell, and JBL makes a joke saying that it'll soon be trending on Twitter as well. Well played, JBL. The match spills to the outside while surprisingly not going into commercial. Ambrose tries to get the advantage back, but gets punched right in the fuck for his efforts. Oh, there's that mid-match commercial I as totally anticipating.
6. Following the rules of mid-match commercials, Ambrose is now in control, and that thing I won't mention, blah blah blah. Kane gets a hope spot, but Ambrose hits a dropkick with Kane locked in the ropes. More of that thing again already, and it's painful listening to them trying to decide what they'll be paying attention to. It's been about two seconds, better kick on the Twitter ticker as well. Someone compares the first match to the Bret Hart incident. I'm sure Bret's thrilled. 4/10. Kane tries to lock in a goozle with Ambrose on the top rope, but still manages to toss him off. Kane takes control back and does a weird but effective move where he just throws Ambrose's leg under him to faceplant him. Kane goes to the top rope, but Ambrose counters. Kane pushes him off and hits his Flying Clothesline, and the crowd is really hot for him. The Shield jumps him from behind, and in no time, Orton and Bryan hit the ring. Man, they must've been paying really close attention to get out there that quickly. The faces clear the ring to a huge reaction. So to summarize, we've had two DQs, a forfeit, and a lack of a ring bell for an Iron Man match that never started. This has been a strange episode. But hey everyone, tune in to the Payback Kickoff to see Sandow job to Sheamus for the 700th time in a row!
7. That thing was a base for voting who would face Daniel Bryan, and the Internet will be giving us a ROH spotlight for the evening, as he'll be facing Seth Rollins, as Cole put it, "for the first time ever." He's sure to add "On Monday Night RAW..." because I'm quite certain that would've otherwise been an inaccurate statement. They show the replay of Orton RKO'ing Bryan, which was unfortunately not Orton's heel turn. Kane plays a HAMmy peacekeeper. GOOD JBL, he goes over the top to the point that he turns red. Vickie Guerrero unfortunately reminds us that she's around, and she pulls a swerve and books Orton and Bryan to face the tag team champions at Payback. Kane's voice goes Peter Brady when he finds out, and Kane is left alone. Vickie comes back to let Kane know that he's getting a US title match. Kane responds by hugging... her? I have to admit, that would be a bit frightening. Miz comes out, and since Michael Cole is asking questions, that means a commercial break is coming... Yep.
8. We come back with Wade Barrett on commentary as they discuss Danfango's concussion, so another title match has been changed. Cody Rhodes is out for his match against the Miz, so I guess he's on enhancement duties for the evening. After a few Miz moves, Rhodes gets in some of his offense, which has nobody in the arena believing it means a damn thing because of how they've booked him this year. Miz is back to looking about 21 with his Jaime Lannister circa Season 1 haircut and lack of the beard. Out of nowhere, Miz locks in his Figure Four, and then gimps around as Barrett slowly starts to get in the ring. Paul Heyman comes out to let them know that there still will be a triple threat match for the Intercontinental title, and apparently beating Triple H three times, the world champion twice, and Chris Jericho earns you a midcard title shot. Got a rough idea of who's winning on Sunday? Axel comes out to explain the Genesis of Axel, em-pha-siz-ing ev-er-y sin-gle syl-lab-le.
9. We get a replay of the entire opening segment and the following backstage conversation. Steph and Vince are arguing about who made her cry, and Steph accuses Vince of crushing him. Vince explains that business comes first every single time, and Vince also threatens Stephanie to keep Triple H away. Aren't you sucked in by the relentless suspense?
10. Chris Jericho and his increasingly-ridiculous outfits are preparing to take on CM Punk as an inevitable default heel in Punk's hometown. Punk's music apparently has its own bat signal, voice-activated by Paul Heyman screaming a catch phrase. I wonder if Thing is aware of this. Jericho takes the mic and lists off his opponent accolades before saying that Punk takes him to the limit more than anyone else. He does a face version of the Best in the World argument from the WrestleMania 28 build-up before saying this will be the final match in their trilogy.
11. One of my favorite spontaneous moment entrance themes cuts Jericho off, and Dolph Ziggler and the crew hit the stage. He references his concussion, and talks about how he earned it despite no one wanting him to have it. Um... Dolph? Did you hear that reaction to your music hitting that night? Now Dolph is throwing his hat in the ring for the best in the world argument before Jericho mocks him incessantly. He challenges him to a tune-up match for the rights to his roots. Ziggler instead offers Arsenio Langston for the taking, and we'll be picking back up in the middle of this match right after hearing about Burn Notice and Graceland again.
12. We come back as Jericho is selling outside the ring and Langston tracks him down. Instead of, I don't know, knowing why, we're instead told that we could've seen it on that thing. Thanks, ADD Generation. This is why we can't have nice things. Langston gets tossed over the top rope, and Jericho pumps up the crowd before coming through the ropes with a kick. Langston comes back by tossing Jericho into the stairs and re-assumes control of the match. More of that thing with ADR making a face. So disappointed I'm missing that shit. Jericho comes back with a pinfall attempt as they fawn over Big E some more.
13. Say, it's been 30 seconds since we mentioned that thing, more Twitter ticker please! Oh, thank JBL they listened to my request. I was missing that phantom brain-melting. JBL continues to make references that most of the audience doesn't get, and Langston gets a near-fall after several vicious backbreakers. He somehow comes back and gets a near-fall after a cross body. Ziggler comes up for the distraction, and Jericho gets run over by the Big E. Train. Langston pulls down the straps, and Cole compares that to Lawler, which... No. Suddenly, ADR comes out and takes out Ziggler, giving Jericho ample time to hit a Codebreaker and get the win. Pretty good match with Langston not losing any heat coming out of it. While they're going through their plugs, Jericho photo-bombs, if that's the right word, and comes by on-screen for a quick hello.
14. Sin Cara is out next to remind us that he is still employed, and both Cole and Zeb Colter plug that thing, because that's how feuds start now. Speaking of people who haven't been on RAW in some time, Antonio Cesaro is out as his opponent. It's a damn shame he's been reduced to slightly-credible jobber recently. I've seen Claudio work with guys about Sin Cara's size before, and he's adept to doing so. After some flashy offense, Cesaro starts throwing him around, including his gutwrench. Zeb throws in an NSA jab, although being on public airwaves, it's not like they'd have to tap anything to listen in on what they're saying. They throw in a Warren G. Harding reference with losing the White House china in a poker game, and they care so much about Sin Cara's shine that they're bickering about Puerto Rico not being another country and giving Zeb more NSA material. Cesaro wraps it up with his finisher, and he wins a match on RAW for what has to be the first time all year. Another decent match on what is so far the third straight good week of RAW.
15. Bray Wyatt's family would do well with Voltaire's "When You're Evil" as a theme song.
16. We go into a really sad in-show plug with Vickie Guerrero performing a commercial for Hardees. Vince walks in on it, silently counting the money he's getting paid for doing that, and she conveniently has a matching napkin. Vince gets upset at Vickie doing what has been done nearly every time in the history of any main event by having a face-off before a Pay-Per-View. Maddox suggests the lumberjacks come to the ring to keep order, and they continue plugging the Hardees burger. I really, really hate you.
17. Randy Orton comes out, and then his pop is completely shown up by Daniel Bryan following him, complete with the YES! thrusts. We get another replay of Orton hitting the RKO, in case you didn't pick up on the fact that that happened already, and we go into another commercial. Reigns and Orton are up first, and Orton throws Reigns all over the outside of the ring while Rollins confidently stares him down. Orton keeps control until he misses with falling knees, and that's time for another JBLdamn Twitter ticker. Kaitlyn mentions puking live on RAW, so I predict that her secret admirer is Darren Drozdov. Reigns has a few minutes of cheap heat before Orton comes back with a Lou Thesz press and a ten punch. Orton goes to the top rope, comes back down, drags Reigns back, then goes back up, and gets punched off the top while grabbing his head. Gee, will this be a commercial break? Someone's on the outside and not moving.
18. We come back with Reigns still in control, and a replay of what took us into the break. Say, we haven't seen Tweets in almost three minutes, better play more of them. I just haven't read enough yet. Lawler accuses Bryan of not being invested in Randy Orton's match, which is amazing, because when someone punches me after a mistake, I'm always concerned for their immediate well-being. More that thing, as Reigns tries to keep Orton under wraps with a resthold. To show Lawler just how uninvested he is, he slams the mat and gets chants going for Orton, because that's what apathy looks like.
19. Orton heads to TrademarkLand, and Rollins is no hindrance. Reigns is nice enough to roll to the outside for the guy, and what once was considered a career-threatening move is now a transition into an RKO set-up. Rollins tries to break it up, but both get taken out by a diving Daniel Bryan, and the crowd goes absolutely insane with YES! chants. The match is thrown out, which I suppose is better than another DQ, and it immediately transitions into Daniel Bryan vs. the former Tyler Black. Cole says it should be a good one. JBL says it should be a great one. I suppose he can be a one-upper at times.
20. Bryan starts out on fire with the crowd in the palm of his hand. The crowd is loudly screaming YES! with every strike, and it's awesome. Bryan continues with a kick on the outside and his top rope move while Orton wanders over for insurance against Reigns. Rollins finally gets in some offense and hits his downward-spiral into the turnbuckle move. They show a close-up of Orton's face, which is so helpful because he's so expressive, and Rollins locks in Bryan's Mexican Surfboard. Bryan, in a true badass move, counters out of it and starts kicking Rollins... hard. Bryan plays "Anything you can do, I can do better," and Bryan grabs the neck for extra leverage. How in the world he's not tapping from that, I don't know, because that looks like it hurt like hell. So why not go into another commercial break, right?
21. We come back with Rollins in control, just as he's fighting out of a resthold, like every other commercial break in this show tonight. And, in true fashion, Rollins hits a move to kill the hope spot and retains. We get even more Tweeters Twitting or whatever the fuck that is, and a YES! NO! duel chant breaks out in the most appropriate use of it I've ever seen. Bryan counters a roundhouse kick into a near-winning submission. Bryan starts to get intense with his dropkicks and nearly gets a fall out of it. Their experience together is really showing. Rollins tries hitting Bryan's kicks, Bryan counters. Rollins goes for a German Suplex, and Bryan lands on his feet. He still gets taken out, but what a great sequence. I love that Rollins has taken on a move-stealing gimmick within his Shield character.
22. Bryan gets pumped up and heads head-first toward Rollins, but it looks like it hurts him more than Rollins. Several reversals lead to a huge kick in the head from Bryan for another near-fall. He goes to the top rope and Rollins counters, as they both sell their exhaustion. It's things like that just as much as the moves themselves that are vital to a great match. Bryan tries for a superplex, but Rollins counters in mid-air, and both men are down again. Reigns tries to get involved, Orton knocks him away, and Bryan gets the roll-up victory! Finally, Daniel Bryan has won a match in this feud! What a great one it was too! Rollins pulls Bryan away from celebrating, and gets a kick in the head for his trouble. Orton RKO's Reigns on top of it, and Orton and Bryan stare each other down. Bryan's mouth is bloody... Didn't catch that during the match. Fantastic match, and YES! chants galore. In case you missed it live, or the first recap, we get more recaps of the Triple H storyline.
23. We're about to meet Kaitlyn's secret admirer, and even though I'm watching on DVR delay, I can sense your collective anticipation.
24. Kaitlyn walks out to the ring and does her best to pretend to be awkward. It turns out to be none other than Big E. Langston in a really weird Picasso version of a stripey-button-up-going-out-to-get-laid shirt. The crowd is absolutely dead for this, but I'll give it a minute. Kaitlyn feigns surprise and accepts the flowers he brought for her. Big E. takes the mic and does admittedly a decent job selling his nervousness. Kaitlyn says she doesn't get it, and Big E. tries harder to convince her that he's legitimate. He goes for the move, and swings her head back tango-style, which I'm sure Fandango appreciates.
25. Big E. then drops her and AJ's music hits. This might've been a really big twist, if anyone in the crowd gave a shit. It turns out this was planned by AJ all around because guys were using AJ left and right and Kaitlyn wasn't around. At least they're making an attempt to give the Diva's title a storyline. Kaitlyn's natural response is to call her crazy, and AJ summons a little Sheila Keefe to a T. This makes Kaitlyn eventually start to cry, and AJ gets meaner and meaner by the second. Damn, it really is Sheila! AJ is cutting a brilliant fucking promo right now, which is not something usually associated with a Diva's feud. Kaitlyn finally has enough and a catfight ensues. Well, for a segment that started out with a lot of awkward silence, it came around pretty damn well.
26. Damien Sandow's music hits, and Hardee's gets another fucking in-show plug by presenting the match. How much of Hardees' dick are they going to suck tonight? Is it number 37? Sandow does what he does best, albeit building up a pre-show match. Hearing Sandow say that he'll prove that he's Sheamus' physical superior would be believable if he hadn't already lost to him so many times that I'd need the Stats King to verify. Sandow is facing the TROOF, and this could be some glorious HAM, but instead they're still plugging the JBLdamn Hardee's burger. My soul hurts from this bullshit, it really does. They're making that worse than the... That thing I won't talk about. They're sponsoring matches now? What's next, "This flying cross chop brought to you by Stay-Free mini-pads?"
27. I'll give WWE credit for featuring guys who haven't been on TV a lot recently this week, not to mention having them in a capacity other than losing. Twitter rears its ugly head yet again, and unfortunately we're not treated to a verbal debate between these two. TROOF begins his comeback, and is back to the "What's Up" pop. I really miss crazy homeless-guy TROOF. Sandow comes back with a side-Rock Bottom thing, and holy shit, Damien Sandow won a match. Daniel Bryan and Damien Sandow won consecutive matches, I'm afraid. Lobsterhead comes out after the match to ruin our celebration to imply that what has already happened many times is going to happen again.
28. Backstage, Steph has a meeting set up between Vince and Triple H, and we go into an Extreme Rules preview. Next, Vickie leads the entire roster out to ringside, and I have no doubt no shenanigans whatsoever will ensue. Triple H and Vince bicker before Stephanie comes off like a really loud Christopher Titus and says: "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!" Vince finally explains that he's bigger than that... Hey, again putting over that new talent that's beaten the biggest names in the last few weeks. Vince finally concedes and offers Triple H the match we've been advertised two weeks in a row. Triple H then decides he doesn't want it... But Vince now wants to see it. They start fighting again, and Stephanie comes back and suggests a group hug. Hey, you are not Dr. Shelby, woman! This turns into a version of the group hug segment, sans the humor and awkwardness and... Is the entire roster just standing out there watching this?
29. John Cena finally comes out for what is totally not going to result in a roster brawl. Not-Scott Steiner enters via ambulance, and is not inclined to be asked for more consumption-based sustenance. Ryback backs up the stage instead, and Cena breaks down what face-to-face means. Cena is nice enough to recap what kind of match it is on Sunday. Ryback claims he could take out every single person in the building, because there is no strength in numbers or anything, right Shield? Ryback then recaps his title failures, until John Cena points out that he gave him the spot in Hell in a Cell. He accuses Cena of going into damage control because Ryback got too popular. Cena steps up the HAM himself in an effort to counter Ryback's point about not having his back. This is the Cena I genuinely enjoy. Ryback counters that emotion by figuring out that he can, in fact, see John Cena. He claims that his legend will end at Payback, which I'm sure is true. I totally believe that John Cena will become an afterthought at a minor mid-season PPV.
30. Cena tries to go after Ryback, but the heels stop him from doing so. Ryback then hits the ring, but gets sent into the face lumberjacks. Oh gee willickers, a total brawl is ensuing, and WILLIAM REGAL SIGHTING! Just as we're wondering if they'll fight, the show goes off the air. All in all, the last three weeks have been more wrestling-focused and pretty good, despite some of the obnoxious distractions. With that said, be sure to tune in tomorrow for HAM Radio Weekly!
It's close between Kane and Stephanie, but I gotta give to to Kane for it being more surprising to see him go all HAM Sandwich.
2012 - Daniel Bryan
1-7-13 - John Cena
1-14-13 - Dr. Shelby
1-21-13 - Anger Management
1-27-13 - Kofi Kingston
1-28-13 - Tensai
2-4-13 - Brad Maddox
2-11-13 - The Shield
2-18-13 - Damien Sandow
2-25-13 - Daniel Bryan
3-4-13 - Fandango
3-11-13 - Rhodes Scholars
3-18-13 - Rufus "Pancake" Patterson
3-25-13 - Mark Henry
3-26-13 - Antonio Cesaro
4-1-13 - Ryback
4-7-13 - Paul Heyman
4-8-13 - The Izod Center crowd
5-20-13 - Paul Heyman
5-27-13 - Chris Jericho
6-3-13 - Damien Sandow
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