Welcome one and all to Spandex Fotnightly’s Annual Wrestling Excellence Selection-Of-Merit Experience! As any self-respecting member of the wrestling gentry knows, we here at Spandex Fortnightly always hold an annual contest to decide which wrestler deserves to be called the best of the best of the year. Which wrestler has been pulling their weight more than any other throughout 2009? Which wrestlers have been pulling their socks up whilst others have let theirs fall miserably around their ankles. Our Annual Wrestling Excellence (AWE) award is a prestigious honour that few wrestlers ever attain. And with our rigorous Selection-Of-Merit process, we make sure to leave no buckles unturned as we smash it out between us to bring you the very best of this tumultuous year. It’s not just down to us though. Heavens, no. We shall be fighting back and fore, but the final say rests with you. You vote on the match-ups, you decide who goes through to the next round, and you ultimately decide who will win the influential AWE award in our end-of-year issue at the end of December.
This is how it will work. We will each pick four wrestlers that we think are worthy of the accolade. Plan will pick first. Sheep will pick second. Once the draft is over, the wrestlers will be drawn randomly into matches against each other. We will then deliberate on each match. Each person gets one opening statement and one rebuttal per round. At the end of each match, a poll will appear. This is where we put the power into your more-than-capable hands. We ask that you vote for whoever you think should win in each match-up. The winning wrestler of each match will go through to next month’s semi-final.
Enjoy.
Ladies and gentlemen, we here in Camp 'Plan (read into that what you will...) believe that 2009 will go down in history as the year of a single man. A man who has brought back morality to a world of decadence. A man who has defined himself as the absolute best role model for you, for your children and for your children's children. A man who has climbed above the rest to show that he is the best in the world not once, but twice. He is my Team Captain. He is the only Straight Edge candidate in this entire epic tournament. He is CM Punk.
For my first pick, we come across a man that has been on a meteoric tear through the wrestling world for the past six years. Despite being bogged down by a number of small injuries, he has come back repeatedly, each time stronger than the last. He inspires children the world over by preaching loyalty and respect, and he even changed the name of his special move to make it more appropriate for the kiddlings. Such a nice chap. His name's John Cena.
So he's basically a fickle roid-freak who doesn't have the balls to stand by his life choices? Nice pick Sheep. John Cena may be on a meteoric tear, but if that's true Team 'Plan's Shock Trooper, our Elite is on a GALACTIC tear! He is undoubtedly the WWE's most valuable player as far as talent and involvement in the product goes. He is reviled by marks worldwide, universally admired by smarks across the globe and even he himself recognises that frankly, he is the best in the world at what...he...does. He is Chris Jericho!
There's no such thing as a galactic tear. You know what happens when one galaxy tears through another? Absolutely nothing. The stars barely notice that anything's happening. You just proclaimed that your pick is almost unnoticeable. And he also hits women. Nice. My next pick doesn't bother hitting women. He knows it's ethically wrong to do that. So he just craps in their handbags instead. Ladies and gentlemen, he's another multi-time world champion; he's the most clinical, cerebral wrestler out there today; and he's one evil son-of-a-bitch. He's Randy Orton.
Hah. No. Orton doesn't hit women. HE RKO'S THEM!!! But Team Sheep, ladies and gentlemen, are here to endorse abusing women and concussing others then let them. Team 'Plan is a team consisting of the morally upstanding, the honest, those that are done wrong to and recently our next pick was done some wrong to. He was wrongfully suspended. But bar that one black mark on, not his record but his very character, this man has had a HELL of a year and frankly, the Ultimate Underdog is going to bring that Littlest Big Man magic to my squad of the worker and of the talented. Not even Team Sheep will prove capable of putting down Rey Mysterio.
Screw Mysterio in the neck with a rusty spork.
With pick number three, I'm flying under the radar somewhat. He's not been around for long, but what he's done while he's been here is nothing short of astounding. He's already won three different mid-card titles, and he's technically a vicarious world champion too. He's Kofi "The Fakin' Jamaican" Kingston.
A fraud, a cheat and a liar? Ok. The immorality continues among the opposition. But gentlemen of Team 'Plan, people of the masses it is time for me to announce the pies de resistance (?) of my squad of the honourable and the talented. He's athletic. He's admired. He's adored by women...and men alike. He has abs that could grate rock like cheese. He can even manipulate the very essence of the space/time continuum. Ladies and gentlemen, Team 'Plan is taking up residence in the Palace of Wisdom, I give to you the Friday Night Delight, John Morrsion!
So your team consists of a do-gooding busy-body, a fan-beating narcissist, an ugly child-stealing midget and a drug-dealing hippy? Yeah, they sure sound like a real honourable lot. Since my other three picks are so fantastic, I can afford to waste pick number four on my inner-übermark. What would Team Sheep be without the Big Show on board? The man is a legend. In his first match, he beat Hulk Hogan and won a world title. Even Mary Poppins' tape measure agrees that the man is 'practically perfect in every way'. Don't believe me? Watch the film again.
Your slander, sir, is nought more than a series of bass accusations built upon lies and unproven accusations. Mine are rooted in fact and that is EXACTLY why Team 'Plan will not only crush you, we will do so for the sake of morality. Enough talk. Do your worst you woolly bastard!
CM Punk. What has CM Punk acheived in the year of 2009? He started the year as Intercontinental Champion. He won a second Money in the Bank for the second year running; that's unheard of! He beat Jeff Hardy to win his second World Heavyweight Championship, beat Jeff Hardy again to win his third World Heavyweight Championship, even sent the drug addled amoral idiot packing in a HELL of a Cage match that, for me, is my favourite televised match all year. And on top of that he holds an officially recorded SUBMISSION VICTORY of The freakin' Undertaker. CM Punk IS 2009!
And remember. A vote for Punk is a vote for morality.
That's all well and good, but he's had 3 years to build himself up before starting on 2009. Kofi's only been here since 2008. Let's just look at what Kofi has done for himself with only eleven months of experience behind him. He defeated the 4th-longest-reigning United States Champion of all time to win the belt. He then defended it a number of times on television and at every single PPV that happened during his reign. He eventually lost it to the Miz, but hell, everyone has a bad day once in a while. Leading up to Bragging Rights, he was constantly mocked by Triple H. That's a sign that you're heading somewhere. Not only has Triple H noticed you, but he's speaking to you on screen. That's huge. And, of course, back in February, he indirectly won the World title by having his representative win the Elimination Chamber match at No Way Out.
You may want to double check your facts sheepster. Kofi did NOT defend his US title at every pay per view during his reign; remember Summerslam? And if being mocked by Triple H means you're going somewhere, then why the hell was The Brian Kendrick or Shelton Benjamin never a World Champion? And you misake the word "representative" for "replacement"; your pick is flawed sir. He is a liar, a fraud and a perfect example as to why you will lose to the might of Team 'Plan!
This isn't about teams, my dear mistaken friend. It's about individuals. It doesn't matter that he's a liar or a fraud. We're looking for who had the best year here. And while CM Punk did a lot in 2009, Kofi Kingston did more with what he'd been given than Punk did. If you're handed everything on a plate, you can't help but be good. Kofi has worked hard to get where he is, and now at the end of 2009, he's improved himself to the point where he can build on it and have a stellar 2010.
What needs to be said about John Cena? He started the year as the World Champion. He lost it in a "roll of the dice" match where any one of six people could've won it. He went on to win another three world titles so far this year. He's been in an Elimination Chamber, a submission match, a number of triple threat matches, an I Quit match, a Hell in a Cell match and a 60-minute Iron Man match, and he's somehow still able to walk. He also still found the time to make and release a film that grossed more than it cost to film, making WWE Films a tidy profit of $3.8 million. It's amazing that Cena managed to make a profit like that. The film was directed by the man who holds the world record for the single largest box office loss of all time.
John Cena may be a work horse, but what use is a work horse if it can't go in the right direction? John Morrison, on the other hand, does not need to be in endless gimmicked matches to be noticed. When your performances in a given year get you labelled as "The Next Shawn Michaels", it's saying something. Not only has this man broke up from one of the most memorable tag teams of all time (yeah I said it) he has ridden that wave of momentum to considerable singles success, even making what many felt to be an ill advised face turn workable. He beat the reigning World Champion two times over, cleanly and in some great matches. He garnered a shot at the World Championship to boot and only JUST came up short. His mic work as improved and he is currently tearing it up with awesome bouts against Dolph Ziggler. To top it all off, he won a World Tag Team Championship earlier in the year and is the current Intercontinental Champion at a time when holding that belt, thanks to the feud of Team 'Plan's Jericho and Rey earlier this year, actually means something again.
I suppose so. But if you turn it around slightly, Morrison looks like a bit of a tool. He can't wrestle in gimmick matches because he's not as versatile as Cena. He's being called "The Next Shawn Michaels"... just like Brian Kendrick once was. That title means nothing. He's a glorified tag-team wrestler, as shown by the fact that this is the second high-profile tag team he's been a part of. The people in the back can't decide what to do with him, so they flip him about from heel to face. He beat the world champion when the belt wasn't on the line. He obviously can't cut it in the big matches or he'd be world champ by now. His mic work pales in comparison to Cena's command of the stick. In fact, Morrison is almost as bad as Josh Matthews.
You speak in the present tense when in fact you should be speaking in the past, sir. It is evident the WWE feel Morrison has now had enough tv experience they feel confident in pushing him to the top. And to ride him off in gimmick matches is not fair; he has not been given the proper chance to showcase such things. He has worked to the top, whereas Cena was rushed up top thanks to the sudden absence of Brock Lesnar. And that shows. He may have undertook an impressive series of bouts, but 2009 has been prime evidence from start to finish exampling Cena's complete ignorance of the finer psychology of wrestling. Proof? While selling the Chokeslam through the spotlight at Backlash the following weeks on Raw, he did so only for the tv audience and stopped immediately when the show ended insulting the intelligence of the live audience. His bouts with Big Show were universally criticised as boring...because they WERE showing he couldn't carry a soul to a good match. Instead of elevating the Miz in defeat as he should have been doing, the mini-feud served to entirely bitch Miz out and make him appear useless, especially considering Cena's inability to wrestle has even been acknowleded by the man himself. When being punted in the head by Orton at Hell in a Cell, something that put Vince, Shane and even Triple H earlier in the year, including Batista last year, Cena was up before Orton had even left ringside showing no respect for Orton's move set. That's not even mentioning the number of high profile intimidating bouts enough to put a grim look on anyone's face he came out for grinning like a cheshire cat. With each passing year Cena's ignorance is highlighted even more than the year before and 2009 so far tops them all.
On paper, lil' Reyrey's year may not seem that impressive and admittedly it is not. He got a 30 day suspension and started the year in a...well...I don't even think you could call the Mike Knox thing a feud in honesty. His match at Wrestlemania didn't even last 1 minute to boot. But having said that, the reason Team 'Plan picked him is simple; work rate. Rey's in-ring performances since the year began have been nothing short of spectacular. He put in a hell of a performance in the Rumble, going from the first two to the post-30 mark. He, alongside Jericho, carried Raw's Elimination Chamber at No Way Out including an amazing finish with Edge. His work since moving to Smackdown week in and week out has been outstanding, practically every match a ppv-worthy match. In 2009 Rey has gone a long way to recapturing the magic he showcased at Summerslam 2002 against Kurt Angle. Oh. And he has two Intercontinental Championship reigns and an awesome feud with Jericho to boot.
Orton won the Royal Rumble match. He didn't win the title at 'Mania, but he won it at Backlash. Dave "the Chimp" Batista took the title from him, so Orton immediately injured him, forcing him to vacate the title. Anyone that removes Batista from our screens is a legend. He soon won the vacated title back in one of the most epic TV matches this year. Despite what you may say about the Orton vs Cena feud, it's damned entertaining. I don't care what you say about gimmick matches either. They've had an amazing tête-a-tête over the last few months. Orton won the Hell in a Cell match, and despite losing the recent Iron Man match, he helped it to become the match of the night at Bragging Rights. And if none of that does it for you, how about the Snitsky look he's been rocking lately? He's the most terrifying wrestler on TV today.
Again, get the facts right sheepy. We all know Batista was injured going INTO the Cage match, which is what made the decision entirely nonsensical. And the vast consensus on Orton these days is that his work post-'Mania has been BORING. I've had to defend him against the masses for a long time but thanks to the opponents levelled at him, boring is the buzzword. Triple H? Over-long and stale. Batista? Dull and unentertaining. Cena? It was stale for many by Wrestlemania XXIV. How can you possibly be Wrestler of the Year if you've bored the people for 7 months out of 10?
Bored? F@#CKING BORED?! We're talking about Rey Mysterio here!! However bland Orton has been this year (and he hasn't been), Mysterio is far worse. I didn't think it possible for someone to rest on their laurels for as long as Rob Van Dam had, but by jove, Mysterio's making a go of it. He's been riding his WCW popularity since he arrived in the 'E. It was tolerable back then because he was only 28 years old. He's now pushing 35. I don't know how you can say his work-rate has been so impressive. He wrestles the same match over and over and over and over again. Jump around, land on people, swing about, get caught in their clutches, flail for a bit, make a comeback, and then he either wins the match with one of his bloody stupid "finishing" moves or he loses thanks to one of his moves. It is far more boring than Orton could ever hope to be if he tried. The fact that Mysterio's nearly 35 doesn't help him pull off these so-called fancy moves. It's almost painful to watch. And how in the hell can he daze a 6ft 6in wrestler long enough to pin him? The dude weighs less than 180lbs. I can throw 180lbs further than Mysterio can jump. It's just not believable to me. I know I don't like Batista, but I still can't believe that Mysterio can beat him in a match. It's impossible. They split boxers up into different weight classes for a reason. Because the middleweights have next to no chance against the super-heavyweights. And that's what Mysterio and Batista respectively would be classed as in boxing.
In summation, Mysterio is boring and smells faintly of cabbage.
The Big Show has had a truly spectacular year this year. Only his championship years have been better, and even that is arguable. He started the year in the Royal Rumble match. He came in dead last, but still managed to throw 6 people out. He only lasted 9 minutes, giving him an impressive 0.63 exits-per-minute (epm) rating. That’s the highest epm rating of anyone that has ever lasted longer than 5 minutes in a single Rumble. He also threw one Rey Mysterio out of the ring; the man who had been in it from the start. For 49 minutes, plenty had tried to throw the scrawny runt out of the ring, but only Big Show succeeded. And if you watch the replay carefully, I think you’ll notice some sort of “that wasn’t supposed to happen” look on Mysterio’s face. Even better is the “who cares” look on Show’s face. He then hit the main event at No Way Out in the elimination chamber, and at Wrestlemania 25 in a triple threat match. He decided he didn’t like Cena and got involved in a third world title match at Backlash, when he viciously slammed Cena through a spotlight. He had an epic feud with Cena for the next few months before becoming one half of the greatest tag teams of all time. All time. He and Chris Jericho have been crushing everyone in their path whilst holding the Unified Tag Team titles, including Rey Mysterio in a Hell in a Cell match. Finally, he’s just screwed over an entire show in order to jump to the other show and become a number one contender. He’ll be involved in his fourth world title match in one year at Survivor Series. Big Show has never reached these heights before. I’m so proud of the big guy. Like a fine wine, he’s getting better with age and is very good for smashing people over the head.
Show has had a strong year for sure. I won't deny that. But let's face it; the only reason Jerishow has hit the heights it has is because the Team Captain Chris is the best in the world at what he does. He was Superstar of the Year in 2008; he should be named Wrestler of the Year here at SpF. He too entered the Rumble and unlike Show lasted an impressive 37 minutes and 17 seconds, as well as eliminating Rob Van Dam and pissing on the parade of anyone and everyone who went jumping for joy when that pot smoking hippy showed up. He spent the next two months raping the very Legends of the business before beating the nigh universally applauded, oft considered one of the best ever, not just once BUT TWICE! He would go on to eviscerate little Rey and win a ninth Intercontinental Championship, breaking the previous record held by...who? Oh! Chris Jericho! And his success didn't end there as he would go on to become one half of the Unified Tag Team Champions, showed Edge as the injury prone useless underling he is and then took Big Show under his wing to reignite his fledlgling-back-to-mid card status career. It is undeniable that Jericho has won his team every title match they've been in, as well as proving him superior in the Triple Threat Match against Cena and Show himself on Raw just this past Monday (as of writing) by earning the winning pinfall. He single handedly masterminded Team Smackdown's victory over Team Raw to boot! We all know Show was acting under orders. And his worthless betrayal got him nowhere. And, like a fine wine, he's getting better with age and smells of burned wood....
That’s lovely. Really, quite an amazing year. If only he hadn’t already had some far more spectacular years. This man was the first ever Undisputed World champion. He beat Stone Cold and The Rock in the same night. This seems like quite a down year for him. He’s never spent such a long time in the tag team ranks. This is really lacklustre for Jericho. I see why you’re singing his praises though. It could have been so much worse, I’m sure you’ll agree. If Big Show wasn’t there to help him, he wouldn’t have been able to pick up those vital victories in their tag team title defences. Without Big Show, he wouldn’t have been able to win the match at Bragging Rights. And without Big Show, he wouldn’t be walking into his first world title match since February. Big Show’s had another two since then.
I can’t go on listing the differences between Big Show and Jericho, because quite frankly, there aren’t that many Big Show feats that you can’t counteract with equally-fancy Jericho feats. All I can say is that Big Show is having one of the best years of his wrestling career. He’s big, he’s awesome, he looks really menacing lately, and if I can just drop a YouTube link on you for a second…
All true, all true. Perhaps the implosion of Jerishow here will turn out to be one of the closest of all our matches. But the fact Jericho is having, as far as his singles career goes, a less notable year is proof he's so good; he doesn't even need to be getting World title bouts to be considered one of the absolute best. He is, after all, in this competition is he not? And not because of his improvement like some of our other candidates. Because he's the best in the world at what he does. 'Nuff said.
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So there we have it ladies and gentlemen. You’ve seen the teams, witnessed the matches and heard our arguments. Now it’s down to you. We hear at Spandex Fortnightly are very excited about the impending awards we are set to dish out closer to Christmas and the elite selective voting process starts right here, right now TONIGHT! Who wins? You decide! Send Team ‘Plan to victory or help Team Sheep take home the very first Annual Wrestling Excellence Award!
SpF#3 has, of course, been a little different this time around and it’s set to carry on being a little bit different from here to January. There’s a lot to do in our offices at years end you know; we’ve only so much storage space. But fear not fans; all the boring paperwork sheepster and I will be doing after hours, bringing you only the most exciting and hotly anticipated award ceremony this side of the IWC. After said awards it’s straight on to the Royal Rumble and then into Wrestlemania Season itself and I can tell you hear and now that we here at SpF have some very special treats in store for you readers.
But first things first, we must move forth unto the Semi Finals of our AWE Award tournament. The final voting tally I can announce will be taken on November 27th 9PM Greenwich Mean Time; any votes cast after that will not be counted. So get clicking!
