Well, well, well. I bet you thought this would never see the light of day did you, eh? Hah! We had you all fooled!
Welcome to the second instalment of your resident fanzine and the only fortnightly fanzine around daring-do enough to come to you once every blue moon! And seeing as the Met Office has forecast an azure lunar satellite this fine night my co-editor and I decided it was high time to bring you kind people a second edition of this wonderfully stupendous diatribe we call a joint column. So go make yourself a cup of tea, sit down, settle in, relax…and most importantly…enjoy!
First allow me to introduce you all to my co-conspirator and partner in crime.
Some say…that he invented the Swiss. And that he is in actual fact illegal in most of rural South Wales. All I know is, he’s called sheepster! Say hello sheepy!
Helloooo!
Shut up now, there’s a good sheep. More from him very shortly. Ok, so before we get going just a little bit of admin, beginning of course with a thank you to everyone who was so gracious enough to feed us back last time SpF hit your screens. Some of those people expressed some concern to do with the length of the work sheepster and I put up here and, in fairness, it was a critique we had been nervous about heading into this wonderful project. We do, of course, humbly appreciate any feedback given but Spandex Fortnightly is, if anything, longer this time around due to certain thank yous and other boring admin shizzle. As a result, as the Editor-in-Chief here at SpF, I felt it my duty to convey that the fanzine before you was conceived to be your best substitute for an actual magazine written by fans for fans. Given our complete lack of facilities, budget and inclination, we opted for an Internet fanzine spliced nicely into bits and bobs enabling you, our kind readers, to put down and come back to in order to read at your will, much like you would your favourite magazine!
But it is not for us to tell you, the reader, how to read our work. Feel free to peruse at your leisure but please, by no means feel the need to trawl through all of this drivel in one sitting. We’re not going anywhere folks! We’ll torment you all day long.
Now what can you expect coming up in the next few pages? Well, sheepster will, of course, be handling our lead story and while we may be low on wrestling robots this time around he does have some choice words for one Rey Mysterio as well as a startling revelation concerning the mighty Goldberg. Wrestletalk comes to you from the author of Just Business…me…and this week I’ll be handling a recent revelation concerning the WWE introducing a new skills programme for their talent. Twitterbugged will wrap us up nicely as sheepster keeps you kind folk informed with the more intricate goings on beyond the curtain and I shall be bringing you the first instalment to a brand new ongoing series exclusive right here to SpF, though I write it with thanks to the creative wonder that is Johnny Boomerang; The World Title Is Not Enough. And to top it all off, the big Good Idea/Bad Idea presentation! This time we shall be discussing the merits and pit-falls of gimmicked pay per views.
So that’s enough from me for now. On with the show.
Kids' Favourite Rey Mysterio Banned For Drug Violation; Pigs Seen Flying Over Stamford, CT
It's finally happened. Rey Mysterio has been suspended by WWE for 30 days for violating the Wellness Policy. The WWE's darling, second only to John Cena in the amount of kids he brings in and merchandise sold, has finally been caught out. The Wellness Policy has been used in the past to show that WWE cares about drug use and makes examples of less popular talent. But this is the first time that such a high profile superstar has been caught out. At the time of printing, details on the particular drug that did him in are rather sparse. Both WWE and Mysterio are obviously staying silent on the issue, but no backstage sources have come out with rumours either. This could mean any number of things. It could be a silly misunderstanding like a harmless steroid in a nasal spray. Or it could be that they're holding off for a re-test due to a false positive. This would fit with the fact that they haven't yet cancelled the Intercontinental title match at Breaking Point.
But without sources telling rumours about which specific drug it is, it's left to investigative journalists to do some research and pick random drugs out of the air. So that's what we've done. We here at SpF have spent literally minutes on doing research into the effects of various drugs. We then matched them up with the symptoms that Mysterio seems to show when we see him on screen. This way, we can get a good scientific insight into the life, and indeed the mind, of the infamous Mysterio.
Drugs and their effects
Steroids: Sterility, feminine traits in men, aggression, depression, mood swings.
Amphetamines: Irritability, paranoia, aggression, dilated pupils, loss of appetite, malnutrition.
Ritalin: Stomach aches, headaches, dizziness, scalp hair loss, stunted growth, and excessive repetition of movements and meaningless tasks.
We immediately found overwhelming evidence of one drug being used. We instantly recalled the feud that Mysterio had several years ago with Eddie Guerrero. It came out that Mysterio's "son" Dominic was actually fathered by Guerrero because Mysterio couldn't perform. Sterility. A big flashing neon sign that steroids are in the picture here. Other effects of steroid use include aggression, mood swings and feminine traits in men. Mysterio seems quite the aggressive character lately, and that voice is anything but masculine.
Moving on, we also noticed a correlation with amphetamines. Amphetamines causes more aggression, dilated pupils and a general loss of appetite. We've never seen anyone with weirder eyes than Mysterio. Those pupils are constantly dilated and there's something wrong with his pupils too. They change colour more often than Jeff Hardy's face. And how can you possibly stay that small unless you're not eating right? Even the street name of the drug ("speed") conjours up images of fast, crazy action. Amphetamins was more of a hit than steroids. We had a new number one contender.
But then we struck gold. Stomach aches and headaches? Mysterio seems to get them every time he steps into the ring. Dizziness? It usually takes hold about 5 minutes into the matches until he gets his second wind. Scalp hair loss? We've seen what's not under that mask. Stunted growth? That fits better than loss of appetite. And the clinching symptom? Excessive repetition of movements and meaningless tasks. I've never seen anyone repeat as many meaningless moves as Mysterio, with the possible exception of Rob Van Dam. All signs point to one drug. Rey Mysterio has been suspended for Ritalin abuse.
We here at SpF have no idea how hard it must be to overcome the tragic nature of Ritalin abuse. We wish Mysterio the best and hope he gets himself clean as soon as possible. Ritalin is a nasty drug with terrible side effects and we hope that Mysterio uses this as a way to increase awareness of this harrowing problem that affects so many people. But at the same time, we can't help but feel that Mysterio has let the Intercontinental title down. The Intercontinental title is a favourite of ours here at SpF. It has a storied and respected history. Even in its more recent, darker days, it is still involved in some fantastic fights from the more fresh-faced talents. Mysterio has dragged this title down to a new low. We can only hope that it now moves on from this incident with its faceplate held high. Whether it be Dolph Ziggler or Christian or even Mark Henry. Grab onto their waist and don't look back.
Get well soon, Intercontinental title.
Goldberg Rampages After Losing To A Child; Jeff Foxworthy Hurt
On Friday, July 24 of this year, former professional wrestler Bill Goldberg, 42, was featured on the popular quiz show 'Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader'. In a showing that exceeded expectations, he managed to leave the show with a total of $0.
When told that the game was over, Goldberg became confused and agitated. Apparently, he wanted to continue playing but producers were adamant that a wrong answer should conclude the session for any player. When show host Jeff Foxworthy, 50, stepped in to help out, things took a turn for the worse. As our graphic photo shows, Goldberg grabbed Foxworthy from behind in a rear choke hold. After making Foxworthy tap out, Goldberg dropped the host to the floor and stomped around the set, repeatedly shouting "Who's next?"
The six children involved in the show, who are all used in government experiments on expanding brainpower, used their own buzzers to confuse the 6ft 4in man and coral him into a corner. Security then entered the studio and safely detained him. A show insider said "To be honest, we're just glad the set's still intact." Goldberg later claimed that the questions were stacked against him and that the game was set up for him to lose. He asked a media press conference, "Where were the questions on 'Age 6 Bodybuilding'?! How about 'Age 9 Protein Shakes'?! This is a disgrace!!"
The question he lost on was, "The plural form of 'Quiz' has how many letters?" Goldberg answered 6. The correct answer was 8.
Wait... no... 7.
Q... u... i... z... z...
Yeah. 7.
Right about this time folks I, your Editor-in-Chief here at Spandex Fortnightly, would like to welcome you one and all to the second instalment of Wrestletalk, your one stop shop for rough and tumble chitter-chatter!
So the other day here I was sat at my desk on my laptop, same old, same old, looking at the front page of our humble website Lords of Pain. Imagine, to my surprise, a headline that then appeared upon the refreshing of the page that read, “WWE addresses conflicts facing WWE Superstars, unveils new “skills” programme”!
I proceeded to click on the link and what was revealed to me was a somewhat assuring item of news informing the masses that our not-so-beloved WWE has started to instigate a programme of seminars, classes whatever designed to prepare the stars of WWE for life after wrestling.
I am sure I can not be the only wrestling fan out there that felt a smile creep across one’s face upon reading this news. It seems that life beyond the mat is so often overlooked because we as fans are, quite rightly, focussed and enthralled with the goings on in front of us. How many of us can honestly sit here and say we think often on what so-and-so is doing now he’s retired? Our mortal coil is brief for sure, but for the characters inside the wrestling industry it is even shorter.
Having said that, though, life beyond wrestling has certainly been garnering more attention in recent times, particularly so since the start of 2009. I may not be quite so certain why this is and while I would not attribute it solely to any one causation, the advent of the hit movie “The Wrestler” must surely have had a part to play, telling, as it does, the story of a broken down pro wrestler forced out of the industry he loves due to his failing health and increasing age.
Indeed ever since “The Wrestler” hit our movie screens we have come across more of those involved in the industry talking about how they have no desire to become another one of wrestling’s tragedies. The problem is, of course, that there are few avenues left to go down and unless you strike it lucky and manage to hit the big time and gather a great deal of wealth the likelihood is you will be unable to retire from the ring and be set for retirement. Even Hulk Hogan has found himself in need of fresh income and look at how big he had become within wrestling.
The point I am trying to make in my uniquely and needlessly long winded manner is that I was certainly very happy to hear the WWE had started to take active steps towards, at least in some regard, showing interest in looking after its talent and not treating them as poorly as a pen of battery farmed hens. However what can be done for the generation of wrestlers still struggling today to find a life outside of wrestling?
It is here that I reveal that when I did click on the link a small part of me died. Do not mistake me; I am incredibly happy WWE are instigating this but, through my own fault, I got entirely the wrong idea clicking that link. See, living in the sudden new age as we do of the WWE trying to desperately forge new stars to carry the company forwards, I had hoped somewhat in vein that this “skills programme” I had been so tantalisingly teased with was one not dealing with problems set to present themselves in the future of the talent, but the problems facing them in their lives right now.
For those who read my solo column Just Business, they will know my latest offering posted only this past Wednesday dealt with the issue of wrestlers becoming increasingly reliant on spot wrestling; that is to say that there seems to be a decreasing number of stars with the kind of instinct that was possessed by some of the greatest to ever lace boots.
Now I do not know how the masses feel. Please, feel free to email in and let SpF know your thoughts. But I for one feel that a “skills programme” designed to aid wrestlers with their in-ring work is needed and needed quite severely. Oh I don’t mean wrestling school or anything like that. It takes a great deal of skill to simply master the basics and that I realise.
But what about some kind of equivalent to University? A form of further education, as it were? If the WWE are truly concerned with problems facing their talent I suggest they turn their attentions towards the problems facing their talent now, not just that will face them in the future.
I really have no idea what but it seems somewhat silly for the WWE to have road agents with the skills they have and not utilise them to their full affect. Some kind of mentor scheme perhaps? I hear Dolph Ziggler has the backing and confidence of Pat Patterson, JR and Michael Hayes; now what if Patterson or Hayes were assigned to personally mentor Ziggler? Some kind of like advisor, a guy designed to help Ziggler develop into the wholesome talent he promises to be?
Clearly I have no idea how the WWE helps develop youngsters backstage now. For all I know this could very much be the case already…but I doubt that. In the age where Jeff Hardy and John Cena get the loudest pops, it strikes me the WWE is in severe need of talented wrestlers of the by-gone age to step in and teach the next crop of main event stars not the basics of the ring, but the instinct of the ring, if that is something you can teach.
Road agents perhaps already have too much on their plate. But with the finances they possess, WWE could easily employ a number of veterans of yesteryear who are in need of that payday to come along with them and personally mentor the young guns, to personally handle the development of guys like Morrison and Ziggler. It’s a role given to types like the Harts of this world, the HBKs, the ‘Takers. Imagine if Shawn was there to handle any questions and to advise John Morrison as he progresses forwards in his career knowing the kind of talent he could become. I know Bret already gives Kidd feedback after every match but what if he did it with others as well?
Maybe I’m looking for a quick fix. Maybe I’m making something out of nothing. Or maybe I have a point. I have had only a limited amount of time to discuss the idea here but I hope I’ve got some cogs working out there. Some kind of higher ed in wrestling, some kind of mentor scheme, and that is only one possible suggestion, I think would go far particularly in WWE. There’s no shortage of old veterans still in love with the business and wishing they could still wrestle in the ring. There is, however, a shortage of new guys showing the kind of in-ring instinct that made so many past wrestlers so amazing at what they do. To me, two plus two usually equals four. Have I made it equal three or five?
Email in and let us know! The more fans we can get talking about the issues facing modern day wrestling the better! Show us that passion people!
Ramble over.
Plan: In the last edition of Spandex Fortnightly, my co-editor and I undertook an in-depth debate regarding whether or not we felt Donald Trump buying Monday Night Raw was a good idea or a bad idea, my co-editor arguing the former, myself arguing the latter. We then asked you, our kind readers, to vote for the winner. It's my unfortunate duty to say...well...I pretty much got my ass kicked by sheepster, who won 77 votes to 51. Begrudgingly I therefore say...well done sheepster!
Sheepster: Woooo!
But hey, the storyline turned out to only last one week so in a more real sense I won! 1-0 to 'Plan. Nevertheless, we here at Spandex Fortnightly would like to thank all 128 of you who took the time to read and to vote! It was an awesome turn out and we hope to repeat the success this time round! Particular thanks also go to Ugh..., sociopath, Splicer, Gumby and Vitamin K who went so far as to comment on the poll! Most of all, we'd like to thank to lovely chaps called Sheepster and Plan who seemed very intelligent, wouldn't you agree sheep?
"to lovely chaps"? That doesn't seem very intelligent...
...so on to the topic of the day! We're a couple of weeks away from the first ever edition of WWE Breaking Point but we're not here to discuss the card. By no means. Instead, we're here to discuss gimmicked ppvs. At Breaking Point, we're promised the main event bouts would all be Submission Matches, the latest of many gimmicked ppvs held by WWE and I, for one, am glad they're going down this route. It's pretty neat to have a number of pay per views that get their own unique "thing" because let's face it, things had gotten pretty generic and over-exposed, right sheepy?
Not at all, sir. I wouldn't call submission matches over-exposed. If anything, they're underused. I can't remember the last time we had a submission match. But that's going to change now. We're going to get at least three in one night. Sure, the novelty might be there for the first and even second match. But I guarantee by the third match, they'll run out of different ring psychologies and it'll get boring. They'll have ruined not just the PPV show but the match gimmick as well. Maybe it's just as well that the PPVs are gimmicked because we won't want to see another one for at least a year.
Aha! But the WWE have seen your complaint coming. It's pretty nifty that the WWE hasn't just done the regular submission match, but rather matches where you're required to admit humility in some form. Cena and Orton have an "I Quit" match for example, that could go any number of ways. But this isn't just limited to Breaking Point. Extreme Rules, Night of Champions and No Way Out all have their own gimmicks and surely it's better to have pay per views with their own unique selling point than run of the mill shows every three to four weeks?
Nonsense. That will just dilute the effectiveness of those matches. Back in 2000, when Hell in a Cell matches were still cool, you'd hope and pray for one every month. But they wouldn't give you one. They'd hold out until it was absolutely necessary. And then everyone would go crazy for them. You never expected a Hell in a Cell match, so you were excited when one came along. Now, we're going to know exactly when they are. Once every year at what ever PPV is assigned that gimmick. It's taking one of the few unpredictable parts of wrestling that's left and turning it into an annual set event. If you're trying to raise interest by giving three or four of the same sort of gimmick match away at each particular PPV, then your problem runs deeper than how your PPVs are set out.
Well as far as Hell in a Cell goes, I agree it is a bit of a ridiculous thing to be doing. It'll just wind up leading to generic one month title feuds and the Cell bout deserves better. But there's bound to be a weak link in any concept. I can see your point about things becoming dull and predictable but we've not even experienced a full year with this set out. With so many pay per views, do you not think we need something to set them apart from one another? It's a question of the lesser of two evils; take the dull or take the predictable. We may know when, say, the Elimination Chamber is coming about, but we also know why we should be looking forward to No Way Out; we know that it only happens once a year. Do you not think that makes No Way Out more exciting as opposed to just being another generic pay per view, essentially just a normal show we as fans have to fork out money for? When they did away with King of the Ring in favour for another boring generic show in Badd Blood I know I was peeved because it was one less special show a year. This way, the WWE can build different pay per views up as a special event and that's what pay per views should be surely, a special event.
I have an urge to drag this off towards the "too many PPVs" argument, but I'll refrain. Since we're stuck with this many PPVs, you're partially correct. We need something to make us excited for these generic PPVs. But I'd argue that gimmick matches aren't going to do that. You can have a carrot cake on its own, or you can throw a carrot cake into a cage. However you serve that carrot cake, it's still bland, it's still tasteless and it still has too many vegetables in it for a cake. The problem here is with the product itself. You need stories to be more dramatic and feuds to be better built. Freshen things up and get new people involved. You do that and people will get excited for it. You know what's better than a chocolate brownie fudge cake? A chocolate brownie fudge cake in the first Hell in a Cell in three years. And do you know what's better than a chocolate brownie fudge cake in the first Hell in a Cell in three years? A chocolate brownie fudge cake in the first Hell in a Cell in three years... when you weren't expecting the announcement of the Cell.
But that's when you start having to remember that, as much of a fan as each one of us may be, the WWE is essentially still a business and Vince a business man obsessed with making money. He won't wait three years for a Cell match when he knows he could have one in three weeks and it draw more money than having a normal one on one bout. We have the make the best of what we've got and how Vince thinks, as bad as that is, and I can't help but feel that gimmicked pay per views IS the best we're going to get. A lot of people moan when they know what's going to happen, which is essentially your gripe here; we know what's coming and it's a Cell. But if the feud is fresh and better built and more dramatic, then surely unpredictability shouldn't factor into it? We know Wrestlemania is coming every March...yet we still get excited for it. I fail to see how that's any different other than the feuds have more effort put into them. Just because we know that Match A will be in a Cell doesn't mean we know how Match A will go down; knowing the stipulation is barely ten per cent of what we get out of it at the end. When people talk about matches, they don't talk about how awesome it was they had this stipulation, they talk about how awesome it was when so-and-so did this. I just don't see a problem. How many times do we hear that it isn't the destination that's important but rather how we get there? After all, we live in an age of spoilers and plot leaks. We are both a very part of the IWC, an entity that THRIVES on knowing what's happening.
Indeed. The destination isn't important. It doesn't matter what gimmick the match has. So there's no need to have specific PPVs for them. If the journey were more interesting, they wouldn't need to do this. So you're essentially saying we should settle for what we've got because it's not going to get better. Since when did wrestling fans ever do that?
I'm by no means saying we should settle for what we've got. I'm saying that we need to accept the truth that until Vince steps down, things won't get much better. I want better, but I'm not going to delude myself into thinking Vince will wake up with an entirely different outlook on the wrestling business because it's just not going to happen. In a world where we get 14 WWE ppvs a year (I think at least!) having gimmicked ppvs helps each one feel a little more like an event is all. But hey. It's not for us to decide. Let's have the people make up their own minds with another one of our wonderful interactive votes!
Washington D.C.
It was a cold night; the type that snapped at the end of man’s fingers and made him feel it. Here, the aroma of stale cigarette smoke and the burnt aftertaste of a Bourbon shot were conspicuous to him in their absence; the walls around him were as cold as the night air beyond the crack in the window. Where there should have been the lingering sensations of the night before there was only an impatient emptiness, the soft feel of a woman’s silky skin replaced by the rough linen of his bed.
In this nightmare of safety and rules he found his lurid imagination the only company worth keeping. The nurses that passed him were simple and passable at their best. The other bed ridden prisoners were as dull and uninteresting as the cordiality he suffered every other day of his life. But in his world, everything fitted perfectly.
He knew all he needed was to get back on the job. He missed it. The adrenaline of it, the pumping heartbeat, the innate animalistic quality of taking a man and ripping him apart and being cheered for doing it. It was his drug and he lived for it. The added benefits were not to go amiss of course; the women that threw themselves at him like disposable pleasures, the first class travelling, the big fat wealthy pay cheques. But it was that aggression, that vent for his human frustration that he truly loved.
And the gold of course.
The light petered out; bed time for the bed ridden and another reason to add to the list of why this hell was worth hating. He despised being dictated to. When to eat, when to sleep, when to get up and walk, none of them his decision to make anymore. Someone would be made to feel his frustration. As soon as he got back they wouldn’t know what had hit them. All the money and gold in the world couldn’t buy him out of this one. But for now it was best to sleep and to rest. As much as he hated his confinement, it had been imposed for a reason.
Without readjusting, he allowed his eyelids to close and busied himself with the darkness that now enveloped him. His senses became more aware. He could smell the disinfectant. He could fell every rough loose thread in the linen, every bump on the pillow and every ball of loose cotton touching his leathery hide. And he could hear all the sounds he wished he couldn’t.
The far off beeps letting some poor soul know they had lived to see another day of misery. The murmurs of the whispered conversations of the graveyard shift. The click of shoe heels on the dreary floor. A cough from down the corridor. The click of an anonymous keyboard. A neighbour in the bed by the crack of the window shifting in their heated fever. God forbid they close the window and stop every other soul in the room from shivering. One man was plenty reason to listen to his complaints, no matter what the bitch would stand and tell him.
He heard the shoe heels again, faster this time, more urgency in their step. There was a faint flicker in their pace. He heard something rustle. The shoes again, louder this time, closer. They slowed. They stopped.
Every hair lucky enough to have escaped his ruthless narcissism stood on end. He shot his eyes open; mustn’t let them see you react. Someone was there in the darkness, a faint shadow at the end of the bed. His mouth went dry. He knew who it was. He threw his hand to the desk…nothing.
“Let’s not shall we?” the shadow said with its typical crisp calm. “It’s insulting to think I haven’t anticipated your every move. How are you Dave?” The shadow moved a little into the light cast by the window, his hair hanging floppy in their blonde curtain, his face stern.
“I don’t scare easily William,” Dave replied deeply. William allowed himself a smile. “I thought you might move while I was bed ridden. Frightened?”
“Sensible,” William replied. Dave failed to react.
“Benefits of being at the top, I’d know if anyone switched sides. You’re right where you should be,” he said.
“A lot can happen in two months.” William’s tone was disconcertingly certain to him. He was too sure of himself.
“Gone home, have you?” Dave asked. “Gave you the big one?” William knew not to give him the satisfaction he’d get from a response. Dave knew that he wouldn’t. “Well I suppose that’s something.” The two stared across the darkness at one another. Dave’s eyes shifted to the bed in the far corner. It was still. He looked back at William. William had company, a company that glittered as it caught the moonlight. “How will I die?”
“Not well,” William said, as cold as the chill from the window. Dave knew not to give him the satisfaction he’d get from a response. William knew that he wouldn’t. “I hope.” Dave allowed himself a final grin.
“See. We’re all anim…” His life ended before the sentence. William’s company disappeared back into the darkness.
“Quite.” He turned away from the limp body in the bed and left the building with the same urgent calm he entered with.
It was a cold night; unforgiving. The type that made you feel it. William took one long calm deep breath. He reached into his pocket and flipped the phone open, speed dialling the first key. He waited for the answer. “One down.” He snapped it shut and pulled the battery out, dropping the phone into the bin beside him and walking off. He tossed the battery into the snow.
Inside that lonely ward, a single drop of blood fell to the clinical floor, the first of many.
Dave Batista was dead.
As we move full-throttle into the world of interactivity and "Web 2.0", there are lessons to be learned all the time. Not least of these is getting to grips with new technology. Some people just have a natural gift for overcoming technology. Others, like Michelle McCool (@McCoolMichelleL), are not quite as lucky. But still, they give it a go, and we commend them for it. This is McCool's first ever tweet on her official channel.
"Oh my...due to peer pressure from my fellow travel partners :), I'm going to try to figure out this twittering stuff! :)"
Three hours later though, she's still at it.
"I'm not figuring this out to quickly....how in the heck do you comment on someone else's page?"
She soon solved her problem and is now tweeting happily with her fans. Welcome to the club, Michelle. Another Diva is using the interactivity of twitter to keep her fans up to date on her current condition. The perpetually-injured Ashley Massaro (@ashleymassaro99) had surgery last week and tweeted to let us know how it went.
"surgery went well thanks for your support guys! just kickin the fixed ankle sans plate n screws up and watchin movies rec time wont be long!"
Thanks for that, Ashley. We'll all be glad to see you get b-
"turns out i had an infection that went into the bone and the worstpart was that they had to shave part of my bone so ya that stings a bit"
Right. That's lovely. I'm not sure that we really needed to kn-
Some people evidently need to learn when they've had enough twitter. Eve Torres (@EveMarieTorres) is also one of those people.
"Just SPRINTED through Chicago airport. Bags please please make it!"
If you're rushing through an airport trying to get to your bags on time, perhaps now is not the best time to be using twitter.
"Chicago airport is good at 1 thing: Losing luggage! :-( Not going to have it before the shoot tomorrow either. Well, Walgreens it is!"
Don't go blaming the airport, Eve. Blame your twitter addiction. And addiction seems to be the word of the week here on twitterbugged. Other people with addictions include Maryse (@maryse0uellet), who seems to be addicted to doing strange things with food. First comes this cryptic question.
"how did i end up with wasabi in my eye?"
And less than a day later, she asks another.
"huuum cup cake candles !!! whats gonna happen if i eat 1??? ughhh hhahahhaa"
I don't want to know what kind party she was attending. Perhaps the same party that provoked Christopher Daniels (@facdaniels) to post this.
"Apparently, it is possible for a grownt-ass man to be decide spur of the moment to bake chocolate chip cookies!"
He lied. That second tweet was 40 minutes later, but at least they look like tasty cookies. While Maryse and Christopher try to overcome their food addictions, Matt Hardy (@MATTHARDYBRAND) has a more worrying addiction. To himself.
"Grabbin dinner before the gym-People always ask what my favorite matches are. How bout u guys post what you think & I'll RT them if I agree!"
For the uninitiated, "RT" means re-tweet. Someone immediately asked if he meant matches with himself in them. He said yes and the Hardy-marks went to work. He spent the next 5 hours re-tweeting 48 suggestions, apparently agreeing that they're all his favourite matches. This includes the Money in the Bank match that he wasn't even competing in, the match where Joey Mercury shattered his nose, and the Hardy reunion in ECW when his own brother Jeff was "uber hurt in that match". With friends like Matt, who needs enemies?
Fortunately for Matt, he's not the most conceited wrestler on twitter. That award would have to go to Zack Ryder (@zackryder). Whether he's posting in character or not, his whole twitter feed is a sight to behold. It includes valuable gems such as this.
"Who needs a GPS when you can use the veins in Zack Ryder's arms as a road map?"
Indeed. Who needs GPS? Apart from, y'know, those of us who don't have access to Zack Ryder's arms. Noble thought though, Zack. For now, science will have to forge ahead without you. Talking of nobility, Joey Styles (@JoeyStyles) made a noble attempt to stand up to a rock god. Slash, of all people, started the volley with this pot-shot.
"WWF female wrestlers look like a bunch of pissed off strippers. #fb"
Joey immediately shot back with this zinger. A day and a half later.
"@SlashHudson First it's WWE, not WWF. Second, WWE Divas are Sexy, Smart and Powerful. Check out WWEDIVAS.com. November Rain still rocks!"
Like a nerd standing up to a bully, he was all over the place. He began with indignance that Slash would get the company name wrong, even though Slash had already corrected himself a day earlier. Then, to retain his coolness, he stood up for the divas. Yeah. He bought himself a few friend-points with that cruel barb. Then the marketing genius kicked in as he invited Slash and his metal-head followers to check out the WWEDivas.com website. How ever did they cope with the extra demand? But finally, he remembered who he was berating, decided to backtracked, and threw a compliment in at the end. Slash retorted by ignoring the post and continuing his tweets about the new Les Paul model he's working on. You nailed him good, Joey.
Meanwhile, Christopher Daniels woke up and posted this.
"Ahh... Up at the crack of noon! That's no good. Need inspiration..."
Samoa Joe (@SamoaJoe) obliged.
"@facdaniels Here's inspiration, I'm going to beat you like a drum. A dirty afro-cuban drum battered & worn from years of hippy drum circles"
Maybe Samoa Joe doesn't like chocolate chip cookies? Once again, Jeremy Borash gets the final tweet of the day.
"Secured purchase of smoking Vader helmet. It'll be perfect for the Big Van Vader tribute rock band I'm starting, "Kings of Leon White""
If you'd like to keep up to date on when SpF is being compiled or posted, or you want to tweet some news or comments at us, we now have our own twitter account. Yes, we're joining the 21st century too. Find us at http://twitter.com/SpandexLOP and shoot us a tweet!
Well that just about wraps up edition two of Spandex Fortnightly! You can fully expect number three to head your way within the next two weeks. You’ll be left disappointed but hey, we can all hope right?! I just hope your stay here was an enjoyable one. Next time, fully expect part two of The World Title Is Not Enough, another heated debate between your resident co-editors, more Wrestletalk, more Twitterbugging and whole deluge of brand spanking new drivel!
Now I know your brains must be overloaded with this brightly coloured fun-fest but Sheepster and I would both love it if you were stop by the LOPForums and leave some feedback in the SpF feedback thread, should you be a member of the forums. If not, please feel free to email your Editor-in-Chief at planm4n89@hotmail.co.uk or, should you be feeling in the mood for doing something a little wild, sign up to LOPForums and become a part of the wonderful and vibrant community you’ll find there!
So until Issue 3 it’s good bye from me and it’s goodbye from him.
It's finally happened. Rey Mysterio has been suspended by WWE for 30 days for violating the Wellness Policy. The WWE's darling, second only to John Cena in the amount of kids he brings in and merchandise sold, has finally been caught out. The Wellness Policy has been used in the past to show that WWE cares about drug use and makes examples of less popular talent. But this is the first time that such a high profile superstar has been caught out. At the time of printing, details on the particular drug that did him in are rather sparse. Both WWE and Mysterio are obviously staying silent on the issue, but no backstage sources have come out with rumours either. This could mean any number of things. It could be a silly misunderstanding like a harmless steroid in a nasal spray. Or it could be that they're holding off for a re-test due to a false positive. This would fit with the fact that they haven't yet cancelled the Intercontinental title match at Breaking Point.
On Friday, July 24 of this year, former professional wrestler Bill Goldberg, 42, was featured on the popular quiz show 'Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader'. In a showing that exceeded expectations, he managed to leave the show with a total of $0. 
