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Posted in: Imp’s Perfect
Imp's Worst Case Scenarios for WWE Elimination Chamber
By theimplications
Feb 25, 2018 - 2:42:49 PM

Credit to Ash from Wrestling Shorts, support the talented bastard on Patreon here: Wrestling Shorts Patreon

Worst Case Scenarios for WWE Elimination Chamber

This column is all about having a bit of fun with the nonsense WWE has presented before us. We’re playing Worst Case Scenarios! Booking the upcoming WWE PPVs as horrifically as possible! The wrong winners, wrong finishes, destroy momentum, set up the wrong stories or arcs. Did I hear you want Stephanie McMahon as a surprise 7th entrant and then winner of the Women’s Chamber match? Well I have you covered, the WrestleMania RAW Women’s Champion of your dreams is on the horizon!

Before we begin, this ‘prediction’ game was played Thursday on Perfect 10 Wrestling on LOP Radio. Here’s the show if you wish to witness a genius at work.

So, let’s play Worst Case Scenarios for WWE Elimination Chamber! Can you book it any worse?

1st Ever Women’s Elimination Chamber
RAW Women’s Championship

First off, I’ll only be going into detail on the Elimination Chamber matches themselves. Aside from the Rousey contract signing, the other matches are very much filler. However, there is one important matter that needs to happen in one of those said fillers. Nia Jax goes Goldberg on Asuka! Because everyone likes surprises, right? So before we go into this match, we’ve already seen Nia get added to ‘Mania via destroying ALL of Asuka’s undefeated momentum.

Right, onto the Women’s Chamber! And who are our first two entrants? Bayley and Mickie James! Don’t worry, I have my reasons. You see, WWE seemed to be setting something up between James and current RAW Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss. Are the two getting back together? I’ll be honest, it wasn’t executed that magnificently and I’m not 100% sure what was being alluded to. So in true WWE fashion, Bayley pins Mickie James within two minutes! Deeming what happened on RAW completely irrelevant. Are Mickie and Alexa back together? Who cares, Bayley to Belly for you Mrs James!

And after a few minutes of Bayley just standing about because she eliminated Mickie James too quickly, the first competitor is let out of their pod. It’s LOP Radio’s Elimination Chamber Aftershock show host Steven Bell’s favourite: Mandy Rose! She beats the ever-loving crap out of the hugging fanatic, we gotta get those new girls over dammit. And that sums up the next 5 minutes or so whilst we wait for the next entrant, who happens to be Sonya Deville! Poor Bayley.

The two Absolutionists continue to beat down Bayley, she just can’t overcome the numbers advantage. After a couple of minutes of continuous stomping, Deville just decides to pin Bayley and gets the 3! Set up Bayley with a quick elimination of Mickie James, to just have her eliminated with relative ease. No one gets momentum in myy house. So who’s next? It’s Sasha Banks, and she immediately gets taken down by Rose & Deville. Not even a chance. Also, we’re guaranteed no heel turn as Bayley’s already been eliminated!

Eventually Banks manages to gain some momentum and start fighting back, the comeback is real! Which means it’s the perfect time for our final entrant. Little Miss RAW Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss gingerly steps out and into the ring, she stares down Absolution and… stomps down Sasha Banks! Bliss, Rose & Deville beat down the Boss in the almost exact same fashion we saw for Bayley’s elimination. Actually, not almost, it’s identical! The three ladies beat down Sasha, when Deville decides to pin her and gets the 3. Sasha Banks is eliminated, Deville’s going over strong… we better fix that.

Our final three stare down as the crowd sense the less than sub-par anticipation kind of (but not really) building. Deville offers a handshake of respect, Bliss accep- PSYCH! Bliss ain’t no fool. Oh wait, yeah she is, Mandy Rose attacks her from behind and Absolution once again reassert their dominance. Back to beat down town we go. Rose climbs to the top rope, but she’s oiled her shiny muscles too much before the match and she slips off! With a strong thump to Chamber mat, she’s out cold!

Deville shouts at her from the ring an- roll up from Bliss! 1… 2.. 3! Sonya’s eliminated and a worn down Bliss crawls over to the unconscious Rose. Do pinfalls count outside the ring in the Chamber? Eh, who cares, time to play the plot convenience card. 1… 2… 3! Alexa Bliss wins due to Absolution’s last minute incompetence, those girls were looking too strong anyway. I did tell you, no one gets momentum in myy house.

RESULT: Alexa retains after Mandy Rose accidentally knocks herself out.

Men’s Elimination Chamber
(#1 Contender WWE Universal Championship)

Men, men, men, men. Manly, men, men, men.

I’ve just realised how perfect the Two and a Half Men theme is for this manly man’s Men’s Elimination Chamber match. Who should win such masculine affair? Actually first off, let's not get too ahead of ourselves, who should start? Ultimately it doesn’t matter, you’ll find out why in a minute. We do know already that Miz is first and Elias is sixth, so I won’t be changing any of that. Got to tie things and keep to the script at least a little bit.

We start off by revisiting last year’s WrestleMania, with John Cena and The Miz. Anyone else has the danger of being too hot of a start, we can’t be having that. Due to what’s to come I’ll be a little nice, let’s have Miz and Cena have a decent back and forth. Nothing crazy like ‘signature moves’, but we’ll at least allow them some pace. Hell, why not have one thrown into the steel? Got to justify the match somehow, I’m not pure evil.

Our first combatant to join the match is… Finn Balor! And, ladies and gentlemen, this is where the real rhythm of the match kicks in. You know the middle section of the Royal Rumble where not that much happens in the ring and the excitement for a little while all comes from the mystery of the next entrant? Yeah, I want to recreate that feeling. But in the Chamber instead! So in between the entrants, our wrestlers pick a corner and punch each other. Not really much occurring, all the fun comes when those countdowns begin.

Next out is Seth Rollins! Surely he’ll pick up the pace, right? Nope, pick a wrestler, pick a corner and off you go. It’s just like the Royal Rumble guys, you love the Rumble. So nothing happens until our next entrant, who is… BRAAAAAAUUUUN! We’ll be kind and let him slam one guy, so sorry about that Miz. But I think we can all agree that Strowman has way too much hype and momentum coming in to this Chamber match, so after that one slam he’s hit with a Rollins Superkick and Cena Attitude Adjustment. Rolling to the outside, to return at a later date. Get some beauty sleep for those hands.

Back to your respective corners you go competitors, that’s enough excitement for now. Our fifth entrant, with Elias confirmed as last, it’s time for the Big Dog! Get hyped kids, it’s Roman Goddamn Reigns! Superman Punch to Rollins and Reigns makes a statem- when Cena runs him into a corner and starts beating on him. Everyone, get back to your corners! Goddamnit Reigns, you're always too eager to beat up Seth Rollins. Yet again, nothing happens until the next entrant… and it’s time for Elias! No, he does not have his guitar. He still has his wit though, he shall use his brains and gui- Superman Punch outta nowhere! Followed up by a spear and Elias is eliminated by Reigns. Go backstage, belt out a Kelly Clarkson ballad and release those emotions Elias.

Balor taps Reigns on the shoulder, who then jump-spins with a Superman Punch outta owhere! Followed up by a spear and Reigns eliminates Balor. But before the Big Cocky Spaniel can get up, Rollins hits a Crub Stomp and the crowd go mental! 1… kick out! Reigns hulks up and wallops Rollins with a… yes you guessed it, Superman Punch outta nowhere. Followed up by a spear, 1… 2…3, and Sethy boy is out of here. Enjoy your WrestleMania opener, Seth. LOL, Plan would go mental.

We’re down to our final three, but not for long. Cena puts Reigns on his shoulders, the Big Doggy Dog wriggles off and, say it with me, Superman Punch outta nowhere! Reigns is invincible, not even John Cena could counter the uncounterable Superman Punch/Spear combo of doom. Who could possibly dethr- BRRAAAAUUUUN! Strowman rises, peering over the top rope like a tiger stalking its prey. He grabs Reigns’ shoulder, turns him round and does an overemphatic point with his big hands, “Yoou, I’m not finished with you!”

He grabs Reigns by the neck, lifts him high but Reigns slides free and, one last time, one mega SUPERMAN PUNCH OUTTA NOWHERE! Followed up by a Spear, then another Spear and then bounces of the ropes few times for a Super Spear! 1… 2… 3, Reigns his beaten all six men and is the greatest wrestler to ever lace up a pair of boots.

Prepare the DVDs, bring back all those wrestlers to be talking heads that get all giddy about how Reigns changed the business forever. Reigns has beaten everyone with ease and is clearly the greatest superstar that ever lived, there’s no doubting it guys. Best of luck Lesnar, I don't like your chances. The greatest part, who could you buy as a credible threat for a post-Mania title challenge after this?

RESULT: Reigns Superman Punches, Spears and pins all 6 men in succession for the win.

And that’s it!

Well at least it’s not as bad as Jinder Mahal vs Shane McMahon… there’s still Fast Lane for that. Another PPV that looks to at least be a fun watch on paper, all these huge firsts for the women’s division are undoubtedly landmark moments. Will the Women’s match see a shake up for the RAW Women’s title match at WrestleMania? Does anyone other than Reigns have a chance of winning the men’s Chamber?

Just remember, whatever happens, things could be worse. Much, much worse.

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