Writer's Note: Brie is back with another column, folks. This time, it's wrestling with a twist of Pokemon, and I know that appeals to a whole lot of you out there. It's a really cute read. Click the following link to check it out and then give her some feedback..
7:55pm: Do not adjust your monitors, ladies and gentlemen. This is, indeed, a Running Diary. It is my first official Running Diary in over three months, which means I'm worried about how rusty I'm going to be. Only one way to shake that rust off, though, so let's get it poppin. Shall I proceed? (Yes, indeed.) Less dew eet!!
8:00pm: Thank you, DVR. The show begins with WWE's "movie trailer guy" narrating a video package about KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE looking for revenge tonight as he takes on CM Punk for the WWE Title. They need to use "movie trailer guy" more often for television, instead of just for pay-per-views.
8:02pm: The show officially begins with.. uh oh.. it's Sheamus! IT'S A SHAMEFUL THING, LOBSTER HEAD! TOO MANY LIMES! TOO MANY LIMES! THE WWE PRODUCT IS STRUGGLING IN ALL ASPECTS, AND I'M LOSING MONEY THANKS TO ALL OF THESE WWE STOCKS THAT I PURCHASED, AND ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS PURCHASING MORE AND MORE OF THESE CITRUS FRUITS! YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE YOUR OWN HOMEMADE SPRITE WITH JUST LIMES AND LEMONS, YOU KNOW, TINA MARIE! THERE ARE MORE INGREDIENTS IN THAT SHIT! YOU'RE ALWAYS ASKING ME "HEY, DO YOU WANT SOME HOMEMADE SPRITE?" NOT UNTIL YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK ELSE IS IN IT! I DON'T KNOW WHY I CONTINUE DEALING WITH YOU! YOU FRUSTRATE ME TO NO END! I WANT A DIVORCE! RESPECT ME! I'M A DISTRICT MANAGER! I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!
8:05pm: As I was typing, Sheamus was cutting a promo on Alberto Del Rrrrrio, only to be interrupted by David Otunga and the theme song to Jumanji. This probably isn't going to end well for Mr Otunga. Then again, when does it ever end well for him?
8:07pm: After declining an apology to John Laurinaitis last week, Sheamus has now been ordered to apologize by Otunga. Me thinks the Brogue Kick Hooligan isn't going to take kindly to that.
8:07pm: "You try to order me around, and you'll be picking that coffee mug out of your arse for the next two weeks." - That certainly isn't PG, Champ. Besides, who's to say Otunga wouldn't enjoy that?
8:09pm: We've had Sheamus' music. We've had David Otunga's music. Now we're having ADR's music. You know what that means, folks.. say it with me.. CLUSTERFUCK!
8:11pm: Otunga reveals that Sheamus will be facing an opponent of ADR's choosing tonight, but that just gives Sheamus time to hit Otunga with yet another Brogue Kick, putting an end to a relatively boring opening segment.
8:14pm: Hey, WWE.. DID YOU KNOW.. I gives no fucks about how many countries the Superstars and Divas have competed in this year because you asshats can't even come to Hawaii for a show. Bastards.
8:14pm: The first match of the night is the returning Sin Cara, complete with a new red and white color scheme for his ring attire, taking on Heath Slater. Even with the new colors, the match is taking place with the same stupid blue and orange lighting. Makes sense. No, I'm not asking for the lighting to feature red, even though it's my favorite color. I'm asking for the lighting to be normal for his matches, like they are for every other match.
8:17pm: Sin Cara wins. That was a carbon copy of every Sin Cara match we've seen since he debuted for WWE. The crowd didn't care one bit, either. Near silence from bell to bell. Ouch.
8:19pm: We're nearly 30 minutes of real time into this episode, and I'm already on the verge of being bored to tears. Smackdown has really fallen off the map in the last few months.
8:20pm: Next up, Ezekiel Jackson (getting the jobber entrance) taking on Damien Sandow, his pink tights, his purple knee pads, his beard, and the nest of birds living in said beard.
8:22pm: ..and the match is over already. What the hell am I even watching?!? Sandow wins. WWE, it's time to cut the cord with Big Zeke already. He's a joke now. Sign Uhaa Nation. He's 20 times the performer that Zeke ever was, and he's only getting better.
8:23pm: Dolph Ziggler shows up in ADR's locker room and volunteers to face Sheamus tonight.. and ADR gives him the match. Sheamus VS Dolph takes place later. That could be a lot of fun.
8:25pm: Next up, it's another two-on-one handicap match, with two terrible looking jobbers taking on my main man, Ryback. Kick. Their. Asses. This is going to be entertaining.
8:27pm: Ryback is already tossing this skinny jobber around like he's a sack of potatoes. I love it.
8:27pm: SWEET JESUS, he just took the chubby jobber's head off with a lariat. If you aren't a fan of this guy's squash matches, I don't know what to tell you.
8:28pm: He lifts them both up onto his shoulders at the same time, which is just ridiculously impressive, regardless of the size of his opponents. I can't wait until he finally starts squashing bigger names, though, I will admit.
8:30pm: Vickie Guerrero is out, which can only mean it's time for Dolph Ziggler to make his way to the ring for his big match. With Randy Orton being suspended for 60 days, and with Dolph requesting a move to Smackdown, this is WWE's chance to really push Dolph and make him a big deal on the Blue Brand. He's dealt with so much terrible booking in the last several months, and he hasn't complained about any of it. Do the right thing, WWE.
8:32pm: Dolph appears to have cut back on the tanning recently. Obviously, he's got more of a tan than Sheamus, but when they're next to each other, the difference isn't anywhere near as much as I thought it would be.
8:36pm: Back-and-forth match so far. This is solid booking. Dolph needs to look strong, but Sheamus, as the World Champion, also has to look strong with a title match coming up soon.
8:39pm: You know, I could deal with a feud between these two for the World Title. ADR needs to get alllll the fucking way outta here. The company has tried to push him on several occasions, and live crowds still don't care about him. Something needs to change. He needs some sort of twist in his character, or he needs to be sent packing.
8:43pm: After some backfired interference from Jack Swagger, Sheamus lays Dolph out with a Brogue Kick for the win. Now that was a fun match. Probably looking at a 2.75-3.0 star outing there, which is very good for television. In the 13-14 minute range, too. I'm glad they got some decent time to work with. Hopefully, this is the beginning of big things for Dolph. This match definitely gets a recommendation from me.
8:48pm: We get a video package of Titus O'Neill and Darren Young picking up a victory last week.. and then we cut to them in the ring for the next match, receiving the jobber entrance. What sense does that make?!?
8:49pm: The opponents for the "Primetime Playas".. United States Champion Santino Marella and a man I forgot was even employed, Zack Ryder. Joy.
8:51pm: Fuck the WWE tag team division. Santino rolls up Young to pick up the win. It was literally the only offensive move of the match for the faces. We've gone from face Divas winning matches with that stupid formula to face tag teams winning matches with it. Terrible.
8:52pm: Just to destroy the tag division a bit more, Big Show arrives as Santino and Ryder were walking up the ramp, and he tosses Santino into the WWE logo on the stage and is now beating the hell out of Ryder.
8:53pm: Another boring attack from Big Show. We now know that neither Santino or Ryder has any friends backstage.
8:55pm: Big Show's acting ability is so strange to me. He has the ability to start crying on cue, and plays a very believable "sad" character, but when he tries to act "mad", he can't quite pull it off correctly. You wouldn't think a man of his size would have problems portraying an angry wrestler, but I guess it's a testament to how nice the guy really is. Who knows? It's just weird.
8:57pm: A backstage segment with Daniel Bryan and AJ. Bryan tells AJ that CM Punk is only using her, and that he cared about AJ at one point. The segment ends with AJ looking like she wants to cry again. I don't care what anyone says.. the Punk/AJ/Bryan storyline is the best thing going in WWE right now, and it isn't even particularly close.
9:00pm: Our next match is Cody Rhodes VS Tyson Kidd (with jobber entrance), as Christian joins Michael Cole, Josh Mathews and Booker T at ringside for commentary. Nothing like having a four-man commentary team for a match.
9:01pm: The match is already over. Cody wins. Makes the four-man commentary team even dumber. Why do it at all, let alone if you're only going to do it for a match that barely lasts a minute? I really don't understand this company sometimes.
9:03pm: It's time for our main event. CM Punk VS KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE for the WWE Title. There's approximately 19 minutes left of real time in this episode, so this could be an interesting match.
9:06pm: This has been a really dead crowd all night long. Not even Punk could really get much of a reaction out of them. Stop sitting on your hands, Baton Rouge.
9:09pm: AJ runs out to check on her new booski after Punk is sent crashing from the top turnbuckle to ringside. That half-shirt, short shorts and high top Chucks combination is a winner for her, I must say. She's looking really nice.
9:11pm: Well, the crowd is slowly getting into the match. Kind of. Sort of. It's still about as animated as they've been all night, so I guess that counts for something.
9:13pm: The match is picking up now. We're getting several close near falls, and the crowd is getting into each one. The match started off slowly, but this is turning out quite nicely.
9:14pm: AJ helps Punk again, hopping up on the apron to point out that Daniel Bryan was running to ringside, allowing Punk to dive at Bryan with a cross-body.
9:16pm: Well, the match has now been thrown out after more interference from Bryan. As Punk and Bryan fight, this allows for KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE to get back into the ring.. Double Chokeslam.. Punk and Bryan are laid out.
9:17pm: John Laurinaitis comes out to announce that CM Punk will defend the WWE Title at No Way Out in a Triple Threat Match, but doesn't bother announcing who his opponents are, leaving everyone to assume that it's going to be CM Punk VS KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE VS Daniel Bryan. We end the show with a nice visual representation of the "love triangle".. Punk and Bryan on opposite sides of the ring, trying to make their way back to their feet, and AJ in the middle, looking torn on what to do.
#ThankYouJessickaHavokForRejuvenatingMyLoveForWomensWrestling: Damien Sandow's epic beard.. Ryback continuing to impress in his squash matches.. Sheamus VS Dolph Ziggler in a fantastic televised match.. The potential for Ziggler getting a nice push on Smackdown.. AJ Lee.. CM Punk VS KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE, even though the match started off somewhat slow
#FuckYouNBAForTryingToFixGamesForTheMiamiHeat: Alberto Del Rrrrrio continuing to get pushed to the main event, even though nobody seems to care about him at all.. Sin Cara still wrestling with that stupid blue and orange lighting.. The continued awful booking of the WWE tag team division