Hustle Is Posting Right Now - Raw Running Diary (8/20)
Aug 21, 2012 - 5:40:34 AM
"Another long night.."
9:00pm: Another week, another Raw torrent. I'm sorry, WWE, but you won't be getting me as a television viewer again. Tell Oceanic Time Warner to eat a bowl of dicks, and then tell Hawaiian Telcom to hurry the fuck up with their customer service and getting back to people, and maybe I'll be watching Raw on television again sooner than later.
9:00pm: We're getting things kicked off with Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman making their way to the ring. No opening video packages, nothing. Just right to the arena. Brock is, of course, coming off of a victory over Triple H at SummerSlam last night.
9:02pm: Michael Cole just said that Lesnar breaking Triple H's arm broke the spirit of the entire WWE. Hyperbole is a scary weapon in the wrong hands, folks.
9:04pm: "A torn quad couldn't stop Triple H, but Brock Lesnar could." - See, now that is how you sell it. Leave it to Paul Heyman to deliver the goods in selling something.
9:06pm: Heyman calls last night's referee, Scott "The Slowest Counter Of All-Time" Armstrong, to the ring because Brock has something he wants to say to him.
9:07pm: Armstrong comes out, and he's, understandably, worried. He's even a really slow walker.
9:09pm: Brock has two words for Armstrong.. "good job". That actually got a bit of a face pop from the crowd, which is weird.
9:09pm: Heyman just called Brock the "New King Of Kings". Jesus Christ is rolling over in his grave. Is anyone surprised that a Jew is the one that disparaged Jesus like that?
9:10pm: A rather uneventful opening segment there. Heyman went into overdrive to talk about how Triple H quit on all of his family and friends last night, Brock had his two words for Scott Armstrong, and that was it. Alright.
9:13pm: Kofi Kingston and R-Truth are out to participate in tonight's first match, which will be a Six-Man Tag.
9:14pm: WWE.com exclusive from last night.. Truth dumps a bucket of Gatorade on Lil' Jimmy. You know.. if WWE wanted to take a chance, they'd have Kofi turn heel on Truth down the road. He could be sick of all this Lil' Jimmy nonsense, and take a more serious tone with things. I'm just saying.
9:15pm: Sin Cara is out to be Kofi and Truth's partner. No change in lighting so far.
9:16pm: Predictably, their opponents are Cody Rhodes and the Prime Time Players.
9:17pm: It concerns me that Jerry Lawler is so obsessed with how ugly he thinks Cody Rhodes is. He mentions it at least once in every Cody match he's on commentary for. It reminds me of elementary school students. Like, when a little boy makes fun of a little girl that he likes because he doesn't know how to properly express his feelings. He'll say she's ugly, pull her hair in class, shove her down on the playground, etc. Lawler is in love with Cody, folks. You heard it here first.
9:19pm: Almost immediately after I say that, Cole reads a tweet from Khloe Kardashian, where he said that she thinks Sin Cara is probably "cute" underneath his mask. What is Lawler's reaction? "She's probably right." 0_o
9:19pm: ..and almost immediately after that, Lawler makes another ugly joke about Cody. Can someone fire this guy already?
9:20pm: 100% of the commentary during this match has been about how ugly Cody is, how cute Sin Cara might be, and how absolutely amazing Triple H's career has been. So.. much.. dick.. sucking.. all.. around.
9:22pm: Sin Cara gets the hot tag and actually wakes the crowd up.. as Lawler makes another comment about how unattractive he thinks Cody is.
9:23pm: After Cody tried to unmask Sin Cara, he gets rolled up for the loss, and the face team wins. Cody is being made to look like a complete moron these days. Remember when some of you continued telling me how Cody was going to be the next WWE/World Champion? Yeah.. about that..
9:25pm: During a backstage interview with AJ Lee, we get the return of David Otunga.. a clean-shaven David Otunga.. who offers his legal services to AJ. He mentions the code word of "crazy", though, and it sets her off. She books him in a match tonight against an opponent of her choosing. Man, it's like Otunga never left.
9:27pm: Feed.. Me.. S'mores! It's Ryback time, and this muh'fucka's eye is still pink. I'm telling you, folks.. worst.. roommates.. ever.
9:28pm: Two-on-one for Ryback, back to the unknown local jobbers. These guys look to weigh about 150 pounds each. This isn't going to go well for them.
9:29pm: A POWERBOMB, FOLLOWED BY A DOUBLE POWERBOMB! YES!
9:30pm: Trans-Jinder Mahal runs in to attack Ryback, drawing the disqualification. Camel Clutch is locked in on Ryback.. who simply powers up to a standing position and drops Trans-Jinder with a Backpack Stunner, and then returns to destroying the two jobbers. I'd pay good money to see Ryback kill Mahal in the middle of the ring. Literally.. kill him.
9:31pm: Lawler, proving that he doesn't even watch the fucking product, says that he doesn't think Ryback can lift both of his opponents onto his shoulders. Lawler, you're fucking worthless these days. I actually prefer Michael Cole now, and think about what that means.
9:32pm: AJ breaks up a backstage argument between Chris Jericho and Dolph Ziggler. AJ books a rematch for tonight, but raises the stakes. If Jericho loses, his contract is terminated. If Ziggler loses, he also loses the Money In The Bank briefcase, which then goes to Jericho. So, Jericho wins his match last night, and then has to put his "career" on the line in the rematch? Where's the fucking sense in that?!? Before anyone says anything.. I know, I know.. Fozzy, yadda yadda ya.. but that doesn't make the booking of that match any less stupid.
9:34pm: Now we get to hear Alberto Del Rrrrrio complain in a promo. Joy.
9:35pm: ADR demands another World Title match right now, but that brings AJ out instead. She's still skipping. She's been skipping all night. She must be tired.
9:36pm: lol @ "Hola, Berto"
9:36pm: AJ says that she doesn't have that type of authority, and she'll leave the handling of World Title matches to Booker T, but since ADR is here and ready to wrestle, she did book him in a match with.. Randy Orton. So, she has the authority to book two Smackdown wrestlers in a match against each other, but doesn't have the authority to book a match for a Smackdown title? Seems legit.
9:38pm: It's a shameful thing, Lobster Head!!! Too many limes, too many limes!!! Hey, I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them.. and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point, I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize. Even with all of that said, however, it doesn't give you the right to just barge in here with all of these limes. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do with all of them. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I'm sorry, but I need you to do it now. You didn't respect me, and I demand respect. I.. am a District Manager!!! I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!!!
9:39pm: Sheamus joins Cole and Lawler on commentary for the match. I hope he talks about potatoes.
9:41pm: I'd much rather see Sheamus VS Orton for the World Title, WWE. I don't even want to see these three in a Triple Threat. No more ADR, who isn't ready for the main event. No. More.
9:44pm: More commentary about Triple H in a match that has nothing to do with him. The verbal knob slobbing continues. This is going to go on all night long, isn't it?
9:46pm: The crowd has been pretty pumped for Orton so far.
9:47pm: ADR goes to pin Orton, Orton gets his foot on the ropes, and Sheamus notifies the referee about it, which nearly causes Cole to have a stroke on commentary. The distraction is enough for Orton to recover and catch ADR with an RKO for the win, much to the delight of the World Champion. Please let that have been something like a #1 Contender's Match. Do the right thing, Booker T.
9:51pm: During Antonio Cesaro's post-match Tout last night, Aksana yells out what sounds like "WE DA BEST" at random. I had no idea Aksana's last name was Khaled.
9:54pm: It's time for funk to get on a roll, as Brodus Clay is making his way to the ring. Apparently he wasn't injured all that badly at the hands of Damien Sandow.
9:57pm: Speaking of Sandow, he's coming out to be the opponent of The Funkasaurus, in a match that almost everyone assumed would take place at SummerSlam instead.
10:00pm: Cameron and Naomi try to start a "Let's go, Brodus" chant, but it doesn't pick up any steam, and they give up right away. Poor girls.
10:01pm: Sandow wins with a roll-up. We're supposed to believe that Sandow had enough leverage on his side to keep the 400-pound Clay down like that?
10:02pm: After the match, Brodus gets his heat back with a Shee-Plex and a big splash on Sandow. Alright.
10:03pm: Hey, it's more discussion about Triple H and his amazing career, and up next, Shawn Michaels joins us via satellite.. to discuss Triple H and his fantastic career. Huzzah!
10:07pm: Sure enough, this entire promo so far has been about how great of a man Triple H is and just how legendary his career has been. My goodness.
10:09pm: The tears begin to well in Shawn's eyes, and he loses his smile once again as he tells Triple H that he is one of the greatest superstars to ever live, and how much everyone loves him. This is pathetic. When Triple H dies, Raw is going to air seven nights that week, with each night being a three-hour tribute to the guy.
10:10pm: What a waste of an appearance for Michaels. That was awful.
10:11pm: AJ's opponent of choice for David Otunga is.. Big Show. Wouldn't it have been better to go with a face here instead?
10:13pm: Show with a slap to Otunga's chest, and because crowds give zero fucks about these two, it was totally silent in the arena.. the perfect volume to hear the gunshot-sounding slap. Jeebus.
10:14pm: Show wins, and the crowd still doesn't care. Take the fucking hint, WWE.
10:15pm: It's time for a bit of a "strange bedfellows" match, as AJ Lee has booked KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE to team up with Zack Ryder to take on the team of Daniel Bryan and The Miz. Neither of these teams is going to be able to get along, but no matter what happens, all I want to see is Ryder and/or Miz suffer somehow. Maybe KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE can put them both in a wheelchair and push them SMOOTH the fuck off the stage.
10:17pm: Ryder's music hits, and the crowd goes.. mild. Ha. That's awesome. Give it up, Chrisss.
10:19pm: Yet another crowd that goes nuts with the "Yes" chants for Bryan.
10:22pm: The crowd is quiet for everything in the match.. until Bryan tags in, when they unleash another loud "Yes" chant.
10:24pm: Guess what? More talk about Triple H and his career!
10:25pm: KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE tags in, Bryan slaps him, and then Bryan takes off running through the crowd, leaving Ryder to eat a chokeslam. Well, at least Ryder gets to be the bitch tonight. Never a bad time for that.
10:26pm: He isn't done, though.. Tombstone to Ryder. DO IT AGAIN! DON'T STOP UNTIL I CAN HEAR SUPER CHRISSS CRYING FROM HERE!
10:29pm: CM Punk reveals that John Cena is going to be his next opponent, but only if Cena accepts one condition. He's demanding respect from Cena, and will officially call him out later to get it.
10:30pm: Layla is at ringside for our next match.. a Divas Battle Royal, with the winner being the new #1 Contender for the Divas Title. Beth Phoenix is nowhere to be found, even though she was in the graphic for the match. The crowd, as expected, is nearly silent for all of this.
10:34pm: Kaitlyn wins. At least it's over now. Layla looks shocked that Kaitlyn won, but it isn't a look of "I can't believe their heifer actually won a match". It's the look Layla would give if Kharma was announced as the new #1 Contender. That was odd.
10:35pm: You know what this show needed? More Triple H talk. Thank goodness we're getting it now.
10:37pm: Brock Lesnar put out a Tout, saying that he's leaving WWE and "never coming back". Okayyy. *Cleveland Brown voice*
10:38pm: It's time for another Wade Bar-ruh return vignette. He's another person that would be a much better option to face Sheamus than ADR would be. Still no date listed for Bar-ruh's return.
10:40pm: AJ tweets that she'll be sending Daniel Bryan to anger management classes starting next week. I'll be upset if that means we don't get to see him wrestle.
10:42pm: It's time for the rematch between Chris Jericho and Dolph Ziggler. They set the bar pretty high last night, so I'm interested to see what they can do here tonight, with so much on the line.
10:45pm: I'm still trying to figure out what the hell sense it makes, in the world of kayfabe, for Jericho to have to put his contract on the line here. I'd understand if he was the heel, and if he lost last night. Then, it's perfectly understandable that he would want a rematch, but AJ wouldn't feel he deserved one, so he'd have to put something on the line to earn it. This, however, is just dumb on every level.
10:50pm: lol @ the random "McGillicutty" sign in the crowd. Someone actually bothered to spend time and money on making a sign for Michael Fucking McGillicutty, who isn't going to be on the show, and I'm 99.9% sure he isn't even going to appear in the pre-show dark match. Wow. Might as well make a Steve Blackman sign while you're at it. Mantaur, maybe. Or Max Moon. Yeah.. Max Moon.
10:52pm: Ziggler wins. That was disappointingly brief. So, now, to show how dumb this was.. both men have won a match against each other, but do we get the rubber match? No. Jericho is "out of the company" now. If Randy Orton and Kofi Kingston were out there, Randy would be yelling about how stupid this was.
10:55pm: As Dolph is celebrating, Jericho hits him with the Money In The Bank briefcase, and then drops Dolph with a Codebreaker. The crowd boos, and Cole calls Jericho a "sore loser". So, on his way out the door.. again.. Jericho turned heel.. again. Why book Jericho to look strong now?!? I know that this sets up a rematch down the road whenever Jericho decides to return, maybe after Dolph cashes in and becomes the new World Champion, but damn.. that post-match attack was strangely done.
10:58pm: CM Punk is on his way to the ring, and hey, it looks like he gets to "main event" something tonight! Congratulations, Punk! Maybe you can main event in a match next week! PUNK IS ON A ROLL! *does a funky dance*
11:00pm: Punk goes directly to the announce table and wants Jerry Lawler to admit that he lied when he said Punk turned his back on the WWE Universe at Raw 1000.
11:00pm: Lawler won't admit that he lied, saying that's how he felt at the time, but before he can say anything else, John Cena's music hits, bringing out the man himself. Punk does not look amused at all.
11:03pm: Punk says that he has been taking a back seat to the likes of Cena, Triple H and "Dwayne", but that he's been doing so out of respect.
11:05pm: Cena has been chosen as the next opponent for Punk because Punk knows that Cena's fan base do whatever Cena says. Punk tells Cena to admit that he (Punk) is the best in the world. That's actually a really smart strategy, with the way he puts it. If Cena says Punk is the best, and shows Punk respect, the Cenation will go along with what Johnny Boy said. Brilliant.
11:08pm: Cena is cutting a passionate promo about how his shirts and his merchandise represent him and his entire fan base. I'll say this again.. when Cena isn't throwing jokes into his promos, and he isn't using random accents and voices for no apparent reason, he is one of the best talkers of the last decade, without a doubt. Nobody cuts the passionate promo like he does.
11:10pm: Cena says that he isn't going to say Punk is the best, even if it costs him a title shot.
11:11pm: Wow.. Cena legitimately gave up the shot, saying that Punk can pick anyone in the world to be his next opponent if he wants to.
11:12pm: Well, I guess he isn't totally giving it up, because he's selling Punk on how important it would be to walk into Cena's hometown of Boston at Night Of Champions and defeat him.
11:13pm: Cena leaves and actually gets some nice applause after going into "passionate promo" mode again, talking about how Punk will never get the respect he demands if he chooses to face anyone other than him. Wow.
11:14pm: After Cena leaves, Punk calls Lawler into the ring to finish what they started before Cena interrupted them. Punk wants Lawler to apologize.
11:15pm: Lawler gives a half-assed apology, but it isn't enough for Punk. Now he wants Lawler to tell the world that he (Punk) is the best in the world.
11:16pm: Lawler says that he can't call Punk the best. Well, that's not really the way to put your champion over, is it? As Lawler tries to leave the ring, he is kicked in the back of the head by Punk, which actually made me laugh. I'd like him to kick Lawler again, in fact.
11:18pm: We go off the air with Punk crouched down next to Lawler, staring at him. In what had to have been done on purpose, a logo for the John Cena VS The Rock WrestleMania special on NBC flashed on the screen, over Punk's face, during a close-up shot. Punk, yet again, takes the back seat to Cena and "Dwayne". Speaking of Cena, where was he? You'd think he would have ran back out to make the save for Lawler. What an asshole.
#ThankYouFootballSeasonForBeingUponUsOnceAgain: Randy Orton VS Alberto Del Rrrrrio, but just barely.. At least we only had to see Big Show wrestle for two minutes.. Daniel Bryan continuing to be entertaining with his character and playing off of the WWE Universe to perfection.. Zack Ryder being destroyed again.. Chris Jericho VS Dolph Ziggler.. John Cena's promo on CM Punk
#FuckYouBaseballSeasonForBeing50SomeOddGamesTooLong: The three-hour verbal blowjob given to Triple H, who is still alive, and is not retiring.. The horrible booking decision to place Chris Jericho in a match for his WWE contract after he won a match last night.. AJ Lee as General Manager, period, just isn't working out, and I think it's time for her to go back to just being a "regular" character on television.. Pretty much all of the feuds in WWE jogging in place right now, with no real advancement happening in any of them, except for the nonsensical way Chris Jericho had to leave.. Shawn Michaels' via satellite promo.. An attack on Jerry Lawler being used for cheap heat yet again.. Jerry Lawler's commentary all night long
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