Hustle Is Posting Right Now - Raw Running Diary (7/30)
Jul 31, 2012 - 5:45:06 AM
"It's been one week.."
8:00pm: Another week, another episode of Raw, another Raw Running Diary. Two RDs in a row?!? I feel like I'm in a time warp. Will feel like it even more so in a couple days, but you'll see what I mean when it happens.
8:00pm: Raw begins with video of the pyro mishap before Raw went on the air, with part of the TitanTron catching on fire. Michael Cole reveals that the doors opened later than usual, and that fans have only had 30 minutes to get into the building. You can pretty much tell that, based on the random pockets of empty seats and the large groups of people still filing in.
8:03pm: With an extra hour of show to fill up, what a perfect opportunity to show a lengthy video package of last week's episode. You know.. in case you missed it. Sure, none of you missed it, seeing as it was the highest-rated episode of Raw in forever and a day, but who needs more time for the in-ring product when you can show a five-minute video package instead?
8:05pm: "Cult Of Personality" hits, and Raw officially gets underway with CM Punk making his way to the ring for a promo. There's a small heel reaction for him, but for the most part, it's your typical Punk crowd pop.
8:06pm: The boos are a lot more audible once his music stops.
8:08pm: Punk seems to have taken umbrage to Jerry Lawler's comments from last week, when he said Punk turned his back on the WWE Universe. Punk goes to sit Indian-style on the announce table, and I laughed at a fan yelling "KICK HIM IN THE HEAD" in the background.
8:09pm: Punk refers to The Rock as a "delusional movie star", and then complains about Rock's lack of respect for him last week. The anti-Rock comments have begun. Now we can officially see how long it will take members of the IWC to turn on Punk.
8:11pm: "This is the WWE, and I am its champion!" - That line drew a 50/50 crowd response. He's getting more boos as the promo continues on, which.. I guess.. is a good thing.
8:12pm: It's a serious promo, but the thought of the table collapsing underneath Punk as he speaks, causing him to crash to the floor, is making it difficult for me not to laugh.
8:12pm: Hey, speaking of me not laughing, Big Show is deciding to make his way to the ring. Joy.
8:14pm: I'm really trying to fast forward live television right now. That's how little of a fuck I give about Big Show talking. He bores me to tears these days.
8:15pm: Show vows to be the next WWE Champion. The mere thought of that drove 119 people around the world to kill themselves.
8:16pm: John Cena's music hits, and he comes sprinting out. Alright, not so much sprinting. More like.. running awkwardly. He goes right after Show, as Punk stands in the background, looking upset over the spotlight being stolen from him again.
8:17pm: It's time for AJ Lee to come out. She's rocking a Stephanie McMahon-like suit. She looks good in it, but with all of these people coming out.. say it with me, ladies and gentlemen.. it's a clusterfuck!
8:18pm: AJ announces tonight's main event.. John Cena VS Big Show, with the winner of the match getting a WWE Title shot against CM Punk at SummerSlam. Kind of a clunky opening segment. Punk's promo didn't have anywhere near the level of venom that people were hoping for coming into the show, Show's involvement was typically boring, Cena was there for a few seconds, and so was AJ. Nothing really "clicked".
8:22pm: Back from commercial break, Daniel Bryan finds himself unable to even knock on AJ's door. Alright.
8:23pm: Our first match of the night.. Santino VS Alberto Del Rrrrrio in what I have to assume is not for the United States Title. This isn't going to go well for Santino or his fans.
8:26pm: ..aaaaand we're back to commercials. Well, at least the match didn't end in 30 seconds like I initially expected it to.
8:29pm: Wrestling Rule #5619 is in effect as we return from commercial break. "The wrestler in charge of the action heading into a commercial break will be on the receiving end of the action upon return from said break."
8:32pm: Cobra attempt is reversed.. Cross Armbreaker.. ADR wins in what was basically an extended squash match. I'm not quite sure who thought it would be a good idea to give this match extra time. Not a good idea. It's more than time to get the United States Title off of Santino, by the way.
8:33pm: An ADR promo. Yes, that's exactly what this show needed. Say "destiny". Say it one time, you fuck. Say it!
8:33pm: The entire promo consisted of telling everyone they're "beneath" him, and that he isn't going to compete from now until he gets his World Title shot against Sheamus.
8:34pm: Daniel Bryan still can't bring himself to knock on AJ's door. Poor guy.
8:38pm: Back from break, Brodus Clay is dancing in the ring, but he is interrupted by Vickie Guerrero, who is looking mighty nice in that all-black outfit of hers.
8:39pm: Oh, no.. Vickie is going to dance.
8:40pm: Now Vickie is interrupted.. by Damien Sandow. If he dances..
8:41pm: We sit through the footage of Sandow getting beaten down by DX last week, and then Sandow attacks Brodus, destroying him in the center of the ring. Folks.. I think the Brodus Clay Experiment needs to end already.
8:43pm: That was it? Man, this first hour has been a mess so far.
8:45pm: Whoo! Fish! Whoo! Five dollar pizza! Whoo!
8:48pm: Hey, Daniel Bryan finally made his way into AJ's office! Congratulations, man.
8:49pm: AJ has booked Bryan in a match against Sheamus tonight. Is it for the World Title? No! No! No! No! No! If that match goes 18 seconds, I flip every table in my house over.
8:50pm: So.. many.. video packages.. of last week's show. Now we get to see the Triple H/Paul Heyman/Stephanie McMahon/Brock Lesnar segment, even though we saw all of this in the video package to start tonight's episode. *sigh*
8:53pm: Dear WWE.. the SummerSlam theme song is way too "peppy" and "happy". It doesn't really work when it's playing in the background as Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are trying to sell how much of a fight the Triple H VS Brock Lesnar match is going to be.
8:54pm: Sheamus VS Daniel Bryan is either going to be No Holds Barred, a Street Fight or Falls Count Anywhere, based on a fan vote. Not exactly a diverse group of choices there, is it?
8:59pm: Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring for his match with Sheamus, but since the first hour is now over, it's time to grade the show so far. It's not looking good. D-/D. That's what I was fearing. Now that this isn't a "special" episode, the company doesn't seem to care anywhere near as much about putting together a good show. Let's hope that changes in the final two hours.
9:00pm: It's a shameful thing, Lobster Head! Too many limes! Too many limes! You're who I thought you were, Edvinuel! You waltz in here with your shoes and your shirt, parading around with extra limes, like it's something to do! If you want to be crowned, then find someone else to crown your ass, but you are who I thought you were, and I let you off the hook! You clearly don't know who I am! I work hard! I've worked very hard for the last 17 years to get where I am! You will respect me! I'm a District Manager! I drive a Dodge Stratus!
9:02pm: Street Fight wins, with 73% of the vote. Alright. This has the potential to be fun, but again.. if this match goes 18 seconds, there will be some furniture moving up in here.
9:04pm: To nobody's surprise, this is already quite the physical match.
9:07pm: As we go to break, Daniel Bryan is in control, with Sheamus selling an ankle injury after taking a spill off the stage. This will be a real test to Wrestling Rule #5619, that's for sure.
9:10pm: The rule has been broken! I repeat.. the rule has been broken! Bryan is still in control at the end of the break.
9:11pm: Almost as soon as I type all of that, though, Sheamus regains the control with a Fallaway Slam into the barricade. That looked like it hurt.
9:14pm: Sheamus hits Bryan with a kendo stick shot, and it sounds like a gun went off in the arena. My goodness. These two men are beating the hell out of each other. Really entertaining match so far.
9:16pm: Brogue Kick finishes the match off for the World Champion. Damn good match. That was pay-per-view quality right there.
9:19pm: Alright, since I'm watching a commercial for The Undertaker's new DVD set, let me just say that the documentary portion of the set is pathetic. The entire thing lasted 35 minutes. It featured no comments from The Undertaker, as expected. All they did was quickly gloss over every match during Taker's WrestleMania streak, with some matches getting no more than 20-30 seconds of discussion. Combine that with the fact that most of the matches during the streak are average at best, and I can tell you folks not to waste your money on it. Download it if you feel you absolutely need to see the entire thing, or if you're building a collection.
9:22pm: While I'm ranting, let me also say that Davey Richards, Tony Kozina and Kyle O'Reilly are all worthless pieces of shit. A lot of you already know what that's about. I don't have the time to get too far into it right now, but know that I hope all three of them die in a fire somewhere. Burn alive. A slow, painful death.
9:24pm: Back from break, Daniel Bryan is still in the ring, screaming to officials that he isn't leaving until he gets a doctor. This gives Cole an opportunity to throw to footage of tonight's opening segment for the third time since it happened. Check the time stamp. The segment itself ended just over an hour ago, and they've already went back to revisit it three fucking times.
9:26pm: With Bryan still in the ring, Kofi Kingston's music hits. Apparently he has a match coming up, as R-Truth is dressed in the same suit he wore to court all those times.
9:28pm: Truth mentions Lil Jimmy, which prompts Daniel Bryan to kick the imaginary child out of the ring, which then prompts Truth to jump out of the ring, nearly in tears, to console Jimmy. What.. what am I watching right now?
9:29pm: AJ sends a group of men in all-white outfits to escort Bryan to a psychiatric evaluation. That's all it takes these days, huh?
9:34pm: Vince McMahon will be on Smackdown this week to announce the new Smackdown General Manager. If it's anyone other than Teddy Long, I'll be surprised.
9:34pm: Ladies and gentlemen, miracles can happen.. Lil' Jimmy is apparently alright, and is seated at ringside.
9:35pm: More mongoloids of the WWE Universe get their chance at fame because of this Tout bullshit. Did that thug just call CM Punk "boo"? #StopThatThatsGay
9:36pm: Titus O'Neil is out to be Kofi Kingston's opponent.
9:37pm: Abraham Washington makes a ridiculously stupid and ridiculously dated comment, comparing Titus O'Neil to Kobe Bryant in a Colorado hotel room, and saying he's unstoppable. That's enough for AW to lose the gimmick of letting him do running commentary during the matches of the clients he represents. Just dumb.
9:39pm: O'Neil gets the win after some distraction, but I can hear people breathing in the crowd. Nobody cares.
9:45pm: Back from break, Michael Cole apologizes for AW's remarks, without actually mentioning which remarks he's apologizing for.
9:46pm: The ONE MAN BAAAAAND, BAYBAY is in the ring. There has been a lot of speculation about whether or not the Legends storyline will continue with Heath Slater, so let's see.
9:47pm: Nope. Slater is issuing an open challenge to any current WWE Superstar.
9:48pm: Randy Orton answers the challenge, and the crowd goes nuts, but right as I type that, the camera cuts to a woman clapping for Orton, with a man sitting behind her and eating nachos, looking bored. That was awesome.
9:50pm: Orton learned how to properly deliver clotheslines during his suspension, I see.
9:51pm: He put a little stank on that RKO there. Jeez. Quite the return for The Viper, and the crowd ate it all up. WWE really needed him and Rey Mysterio to return, to fix the lack of star power they've had recently. It should be interesting to see where things go now that both men are back.
9:53pm: Daniel Bryan is backstage with a doctor, who is performing the evaluation on him. The doctor has some questions to ask, and says that he needs only "yes" or "no" answers. You could see it coming from a mile away.. all of Bryan's answers were "YES", and he began screaming it over and over again, with veins bulging on his forehead and temple as he did so.
9:59pm: The second hour is about over as we begin the introductions for the next match, so it's time for another grade. I think giving the second hour a B/B- is pretty fair.
10:01pm: Chris Jericho & Christian VS Dolph Ziggler & The Miz. This could be a lot of fun, too, but it's only going to further confuse the people who aren't sure if Jericho is a face or a heel.
10:06pm: We head to commercial with the faces in control. The match has gotten off to a nice start so far. I hope they can keep it up.
10:09pm: Back from break, the heels are in control. The rule was followed this time.
10:11pm: As Christian gets some offense in on Dolph Ziggler, I can't help but notice some boos from the crowd. I've said it before, and I'll say it again.. the WWE Universe is just dying for a reason to cheer Dolph. Even with a heat magnet like Vickie Guerrero by his side, he continues to get cheers. It's pretty amazing to watch, actually.
10:14pm: What was not amazing to watch is that Ziggler just completely missed on a leg drop attempt. Total botch.
10:16pm: Miz goes for a Skull Crushing Finale, but the WWE production team decides that would be a good time to cut to a split-screen replay. That pretty much gives away that it won't be the finish of the match. Perhaps if Kevin Dunn focused more on his job than being a rat-faced fuck, we wouldn't see these types of problems.
10:17pm: Jericho hits Miz with a Codebreaker for the win, but gets laid out by Ziggler's Money In The Bank briefcase after the match. Sure enough, a "Let's Go Ziggler" chant can be heard as Dolph stands tall.
10:19pm: Back to Bryan's evaluation backstage, it's time for an ink blot test. Everyone gets a chuckle as the doctor puts the papers down, making the pictures form into the face of a goat (GET IT?!?) on the table. Bryan loses it again, wondering if Charlie Sheen put the doctor up to this.
10:25pm: If WWE is going to insist on showing people's Touts, they could at least stage it and get some attractive women in the videos. Is that so much to ask for?
10:52pm: Damn.. the mere sight of Tensai, and the thought of having to see him wrestle again, knocked me unconscious for the last 27 minutes. Thank you, DVR.
10:53pm: Tyson Kidd is out to be Tensai's opponent here. Tensai gets the jobber entrance, while Kidd gets the full entrance. That's just odd to see.
10:55pm: Tensai gets the win, and just like with every other match since he debuted after WrestleMania, the crowd simply could not care less about him.
10:56pm: After a post-match attack by Tensai, the vaguely Asian referee reverses his decision. Tyson Kidd, laid out in the middle of the ring, is the "winner". Tensai then decides to beat Sakamoto around a bit, and the crowd still doesn't care. Like I said with Brodus Clay earlier, I think it's time to pull the plug on the Tensai Experiment already. It's beyond a joke at this point.
10:58pm: Back to Bryan's evaluation, the doctor says that he's 100% sane, but KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE walks in and says that he's Bryan's new "anger management therapist". He throws Bryan against the wall, and then he leaves. Alright then. That was pointless.
10:59pm: Hey, let's watch the Trips/Heyman/Steph/Brock segment for the 862nd time tonight. Great idea, WWE!
11:00pm: CM Punk makes his way to ringside, and he'll be joining Cole and Lawler on commentary for tonight's main event. I'm not sure that quite makes up for having to watch John Cena VS Big Show yet again, but at least it helps.
11:06pm: Valid point from Punk on commentary, complaining that Cole and Lawler aren't doing their jobs. "Look at your monitor! Tell me what's going on!" That's advice those two should really listen to more often.
11:08pm: "That's what we need, King. More corny jokes instead of paying attention to the match." Preach, Punk. Preach.
11:13pm: While this match hasn't been terrible, it follows the same formula of John Cena matches, especially on television.. Cena's opponent gets to dominate large chunks of the match. Unfortunately, that means Big Show and his slow-as-molasses offense is dominating, which is just boring people and taking them out of the match. When Cena fights back, the crowd wakes up, at least.
11:16pm: Cena is launched into the announce table by Big Show, and Cena completely wipes Punk out. Fuck. That means we're back to just having Cole and Lawler on commentary.
11:17pm: As Cena lifts Show up for an Attitude Adjustment, Punk runs into the ring and knocks them both over, causing the referee to call for the bell. Another Raw main event without a clean finish. Spectacular.
11:19pm: AJ walks out and announces that Punk will defend the WWE Title against both Cena and Show in a Triple Threat at SummerSlam. That has been rumored for a while now, so no surprise there.
11:20pm: The show ends with Punk yelling at AJ, demanding that she show him some respect.
#ThankYouCMPunkForTryingToMakeTheCommentaryWorthwhile: AJ Lee looks surprisingly good in a suit.. Sheamus VS Daniel Bryan would have been a really good match on pay-per-view, making it a fantastic television match.. A strong return for Randy Orton, even though he still doesn't have a real direction yet.. Chris Jericho & Christian VS Dolph Ziggler & The Miz.. Daniel Bryan continuing to shine in the non-wrestling segments of the show.. CM Punk on commentary.. John Cena VS Big Show, but just barely
#FuckYouWhomeverInsistsOnContinuingToPushTensai: The entire opening segment being clunky.. Santino has absolutely nothing going for him right now, even as the United States Champion.. Brodus Clay has absolutely nothing going for him right now.. Abraham Washington's stupid remark.. Tensai
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