Hustle Is Posting Right Now - Raw Running Diary (5/6/13)
May 7, 2013 - 5:29:59 AM
"Another long night.."
8:00pm: ..aaaaand the Raw Running Diary is back yet again.
8:00pm: WWE's Movie Trailer Voice Guy starts the show by saying Paul Heyman will be showing exclusive footage of him and Brock Lesnar making an appearance at WWE Headquarters, and I immediately begin to wonder how this is supposed to help sell the Lesnar VS Triple H match. Unless Brock sees Stephanie McMahon at HQ and F5's her out a top floor window, it's just a waste of time at this point.
8:02pm: We're officially getting things kicked off with John Cena, who is quick to tell the camera that he's feeling better than he was last week.
8:04pm: Quoting "ancient Chinese philosopher Daniel Bryan", Cena uses "YES" and "NO" to answer questions about his health and well-being heading into Extreme Rules. We have silly goofball Cena, which isn't a good thing for this feud. It isn't really all that good for any feud, really.
8:07pm: Cena says he hasn't been 100% since 2002. Can you imagine how many more matches he would have won in the last 11 years if he was 100%?!?
8:07pm: As the WWE Champion is wrapping his promo up, he is interrupted by Vickie Guerrero, who comes out and talks about how Extreme Rules isn't a regular pay-per-view. She says that she won't choose the stipulation for the WWE Title match at Extreme Rules, and instead, she brings Ryback out so that the two competitors can pick it. That's how it works these days, huh?
8:09pm: More silly Cena, this time with a Ryback impression that sounds like a mix between Ryback, The Ultimate Warrior and a snoring old man.
8:11pm: Saying it doesn't matter what kind of match he has, Cena doesn't pick a stipulation, so Vickie tells Ryback that he now gets to pick what kind of match they'll have at Extreme Rules.
8:13pm: This dumb fuck Ryback picks a Last Man Standing Match, proving that he hasn't been watching wrestling in the last several years. A Last Man Standing Match with John Cena? Ryback might as well have chosen a Crazy-Off with Amanda Bynes. He doesn't stand a chance. Cena is currently 237-0 in Last Man Standing matches in his career. Unofficially, of course.
8:19pm: We return from break, and Randy Orton is already in the ring for our first match of the night. Michael Cole says Orton will be taking on Damien Sandow, in a rematch from Smackdown. I now wait the internet complaints over Orton getting a "jobber entrance" while Sandow gets his complete entrance.
8:20pm: ..Sandow is singing his own version of Orton's entrance music, with clever slanderous lyrics about how boring and oiled up Orton is. Wow. If he could sing while Antonio Cesaro yodeled, WWE would have a license to print money, clearly.
8:23pm: On commentary, we hear about how Orton is still feuding with Big Show. It's a feud that nobody cares about, and even less people want to see. Or.. is a feud that nobody wants to see, and even less people care about? You decide!
8:30pm: Orton wins, and the man who many people felt was going to be a future WWE/World Champions loses. Again. No, seriously.. people were calling for this guy to be a main eventer before he had even wrestled, and was in the middle of his "I'm not going to perform tonight" schtick. Kinda reminds me of a lot of those same people calling for Mr Kennedy to win the WWE/World Title just because he could say his name twice.
8:32pm: Big Show teleports yet again, this time magically appearing in front of Orton on the stage and knocking him out. Please end that feud. Please. For the love of all that is good in the world, end that feud.
8:39pm: Chris Jericho makes his way to the ring, but he isn't dressed to wrestle, so I'm assuming it's time for a promo.
8:40pm: Jericho makes fun of Fandango's name a bit and says that he has put together a judging panel to critique Fandango's dancing. This brings Tons Of Funk out. Raw.. what the fuck is happening with you these days?!?
8:42pm: I have to say.. I prefer to look at this girl that was Fandango's original dance partner.
8:44pm: The judges give Fandango a combined score of 5 for his entrance dancing, and Michael Cole, without skipping a beat, says that the judges have given Fandango an "average score of 1.75", proving that math isn't his strong suit.
8:45pm: This isn't even a dance competition. R-Truth comes out as Fandango's opponent.. with judges at ringside to grade dancing. Who the fuck is writing this shit?!?
8:46pm: Truth dances a bit, getting a score of 62 from the judges thanks to Brodus not being able to find his paper that said "10" and having to hold up a 4 and a 2 for a 42. Fandango walks out and gets himself counted out. I'm sorry, Fandango. You can't earn a parting gift that way. There will be no cheating of the system here, sir. That was a stupid segment.
8:53pm: In a backstage segment with Daniel Bryan, the Chinese philosopher wants a rematch against Ryback (if you didn't watch their match from Smackdown, do yourself a favor and go check it out), but Ryback shows up and denies the request.
8:54pm: Kane shows up to confront Ryback, and Ryback is out of breath again. "Everyone knows.. that there's only one.. real monster.. in the WWE.." It's creepy, WWE. Stop having him speak.
8:58pm: Bad first hour of Raw. It's getting to the point where I need Al Laiman to hurry back from his vacation so he can go back to being the person who writes about Raw every week.
9:00pm: Alberto Del Rio VS Dolph Ziggler is up next, so at least there's potential for the second hour to get off to a good start. Let's see how things unfold.
9:01pm: A loud "Let's go, Ziggler" chant breaks out. Man.. if it wasn't for Ricardo Rodriguez, Del Rio wouldn't stand a chance at succeeding as a face. Ricardo gets pops. Ricardo gets the crowd to do the ADR introduction with him. Then, ADR comes out and.. yeah. Not good.
9:04pm: lol @ the crowd being so quiet that you could literally hear three people yell for AJ one after another.
9:05pm: Jack Swagger's music hits, and Swagger walks to the ring with Zeb Colter, distracting ADR. Swagger and Zeb are met at ringside by Big E Langston, but we don't get a confrontation, and we go back to commercial break.
9:11pm: ADR blocks every single one of Dolph's elbow drops by putting his arm up. Not only is that asking to end up with a broken arm, it's making him look like less of a man. This is professional wrestling! All injuries, all the time! Get your sternum cracked open, Bertie!
9:16pm: AJ hops up on the apron to distract the referee as ADR has the Cross Armbreaker locked in, allowing Big E to drag ADR out of the ring and toss him onto Swagger at ringside. Looks like we're getting a No Contest.
9:17pm: Things break down, and Swagger takes both Dolph and ADR out with a ladder, as well as smashing Ricardo with it. Swagger looks strong heading into the Triple Threat Ladder Match for the World Title at Extreme Rules. Dolph looks like someone who will lose his World Title right away. ADR looks.. like ADR.
9:26pm: We get a video package of WWE's partnership with Yahoo, and Big Show pronounces the word as "yeah-who", which makes me laugh, for some reason.
9:26pm: Natalya wants The Great Khali to go undercover and find out who Kaitlyn's secret admirer is. You know, other than the fact that the plan was just announced on-camera. As the women all walk away, the Bella Twins walk out from around the corner and smile, indicating they're behind the entire thing. HOT LESBIAN ACTION, BUT WITH A WEIRD INCEST-Y TWIST!
9:29pm: The Shield make their way to the ring for our next match. It's a six-man tag match, and it isn't the main event of the show, so you know they're going to win, but we go to commercial break before we see who their opponents are. My guess? Crosby, Stills & Nash. I would have gone with Earth, Wind & Fire, but I hear Wind and Earth haven't been getting along recently.
9:33pm: Kofi Kingston and The Usos are out as The Shield's opponents, so I was close.
9:33pm: You know.. The Shield VS Kofi & The Usos would be a great match if they were given time to work with. I doubt this lasts long.
9:36pm: The crowd isn't making much noise. Many of them probably don't even know who The Usos are. They haven't been on TV since 1975, after all.
9:40pm: Dean Ambrose absolutely spikes Kofi's head into the mat with a modified Snapmare DDT thingamajig, and The Shield remain undefeated. Not much crowd reaction to a lot of the action, but that was a relatively fun six or seven-minute match.
9:41pm: In what may be foreshadowing, the members of The Shield all look on and admire Kofi's United States Title belt. One of them (Ambrose, probably) wins that, while the other two win the Tag Team Titles? Could be. Ooh, ooh.. then John Cena can turn heel and be their leader as the WWE Champion!!! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some weeping to do.
9:47pm: Our next match is Zack Ryder VS Antonio Cesaro. Hey, Cesaro isn't yodeling! Progress! Is that a good sign for him here? He's been on a losing streak, but Ryder is a worthless jobber, so.. something has to give here.
9:49pm: Drunk ass, obnoxious Super Chrisss is yelling out "LET'S GO, RYDER" over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. All by himself. Take the hint. Give it up.
9:50pm: Cesaro wins. Thank you for playing our game, Zack. We have a great parting gift waiting for you backstage. Enjoy your 2008 Chrysler PT Cruiser, which will undoubtedly overheat and shut down on you as you're driving home with it, because you have absolutely no idea what you're doing when it comes to car shopping, and you probably deserve to leave with a lemon. Oh, and the Lemon Law doesn't apply to your old car, so.. enjoy, sucker. For when you don't give a fuck about yourself anymore.. the Chrysler PT Cruiser.. one step away from taking your own life.
9:56pm: Air Bourne provide us with the official theme song of Extreme Rules. ZOMG EVIN BORN TEEZER!
9:56pm: Time for Paul Heyman, via satellite, to present us with the footage of his visit to WWE Headquarters with Brock Lesnar.
9:58pm: Wait.. there are homes directly across the street from WWE Headquarters?!? How awesome must that be?!?
9:58pm: lol @ Heyman whistling the Fandango theme song in the elevator as Brock intimidates a man into giving them access to the elevator's code.
9:59pm: Walking down the hallway, we see several framed WWE pay-per-view posters, and Brock stops in front of one featuring The Rock, and he stares it down for a few seconds. There's your planted seeds for their future match.
10:01pm: Triple H's office is about the size of my master bathroom and looks to have been put together by a high school drama class. Who the hell is supposed to buy that this is really the man's office?!?
10:03pm: Brock then proceeds to destroy the office and all of its terribly shitty IKEA furniture, which basically crumbles at his touch.
10:05pm: That was so dumb. So dumb, so dumb, so dumb, so dumb.. he's climbing in your windows.. he's snatching your peoples up.. *ahem*.. sorry.
10:07pm: As Heyman talks about how Lesnar will take Triple H "to the extreme" at Extreme Rules, Triple H's music hits, but instead, Clay Morrow walks out to the ring.
10:09pm: I know about extreme.. yadda yadda ya.. I created DX.. etc etc etc.. I knocked Brock Lesnar out at WrestleMania.. yadda yadda ya.
10:17pm: It's time for a six-Diva tag, as AJ Lee's music hits, bringing her and The Bellas to the ring.
10:19pm: Their opponents are Kaitlyn and The Funkadactyls, which gives Michael Cole the perfect time to.. shill the Rockpocalypse phone game? Oh. Alright.
10:21pm: I love AJ. So, so, so much. #DatAss
10:22pm: It's always funny when you see women's wrestling matches and the women yell and scream after every.. single.. move.. as if they have been hit in the face with a hammer. Never hear that with men's matches, outside of Lex Luger.
10:23pm: Kaitlyn spears AJ, and the faces get the win. Let me look at the clock.. yes.. under three minutes. Thank you for playing our game, AJ, Nikki and Brie. We have a lovely parting gift waiting for you backstage. Enjoy your Hydro Rug. Hydro Rug is the carpet for your shower and bath. Simply place Hydro Rug directly over your tub's drain, and the unique anti-microbial poly-fibers allow water to flow right through it as the non-slid backing ensures that it will stay where you put it. Perfect for the bath or shower, Hydro Rug is mildew and stain resistant, is fast drying, and never wears out. Hydro Rug is comfort for your feet. It's like having a shower floor made out of loofah!
10:30pm: Mark Henry makes his way to the ring, and it's promo time.
10:30pm: Henry talks about how Sheamus likes to come out and act tough for everyone, but that he (Henry) doesn't have to act tough because he is tough. Can't argue with that.
10:32pm: He says that Sheamus will face him at Extreme Rules if he has any guts at all, and then promises that people will remember their match for the rest of existence, but Sheamus' music hits to interrupt him.
10:33pm: Either Sheamus has a weirdly-tinted yellow shiner around his right eye or Big Bird busted a nut on him backstage. Take your pick. *shudder*
10:35pm: Sheamus and Henry take their shirts off and are about to fight (or make out), but Wade Bar-ruh's music hits, and he comes out for his previously scheduled match with Sheamus.
10:39pm: "You just sitting there, ate up with stupid!" - Mark Henry, on commentary, to Michael Cole. This leads to Henry telling Cole to stop talking, but Cole keeps responding to everyone, leading to Jerry Lawler and JBL both telling him to shut up every time he says something. That was actually a weirdly funny moment. Almost like a twist on the old "Who's on first?" routine.
10:44pm: Sheamus wins. If you're a male champion not named John Cena, you will be booked to lose every single match you're in. It's WWE rule these days. Oh, WWE. You're so silly.
10:44pm: Mark Henry is whipping the life out of Sheamus with a belt, and then he delivers a World's Strongest Slam on the outside. That had to hurt.
10:46pm: "That's an old fashioned East Texas whipping right there!" - No, JBL, it wasn't. If it was, it would have been the white guy hitting the black guy. You know better than that.
10:51pm: Using Movie Trailer Voice Guy, WWE announces that Chris Jericho and Fandango will have a dance-off next week, making it sound like the biggest segment in the history of ever. You can't see it, but I'm shaking my head right now.
10:53pm: Main event time. Kane VS Ryback.
10:56pm: ..and we're getting a commercial break already. What a dumb time for a break. Two or three awkward spots in the match during its early moments.
11:00pm: This crowd is dead. D-E-D, dead.
11:02pm: Every single week, Ryback clearly yells "Finish it!". Every single week, you can clearly hear the crowd say "Finish him!" as he says it. Come on, WWE Universe. We need to do better.
11:03pm: Ryback wins, and almost immediately after the match, The Shield's music hits. Here they come. Daniel Bryan runs down to the ring, and Ryback bails. John Cena's music hits, and he comes running to the ring.. and Kane has teleported out of there.
11:05pm: Cena and Bryan fight with The Shield, but Ryback hits Cena with a chair. We go off the air with Ryback standing over a fallen Cena. I can't wait until Raw goes back to being a two-hour show.
#ThankYouToThePersonWhoEndsTheCareerOfDaveyRichards: Alberto Del Rio VS Dolph Ziggler, but just barely.. Kofi Kingston & The Usos VS The Shield.. Antonio Cesaro getting back on the winning side of the fence.. Mark Henry, Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and JBL actually having a funny exchange on commentary
#FuckYouDaveyRichardsForYourWorthlessDouchebagFauxMMABullshitThatNearlyEndedPaulLondonsLife: John Cena's silly goofball promo style when he should be taking Ryback seriously.. Randy Orton and Big Show still feuding.. The entire segment involving Chris Jericho, Tons Of Funk, Fandango and R-Truth.. Ryback continuing to speak in fragmented sentences.. The fact that Kofi Kingston & The Usos VS The Shield is such a throwaway match.. Buying a Chrysler PT Cruiser in 2013.. The entire segment with Brock Lesnar and Paul Heyman visiting WWE Headquarters, followed by Triple H's promo response, essentially downplaying what is supposed to be a very serious match.. Male title holders not named John Cena continuing to job out.. The fact that Raw is still three hours long every week
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