Hustle Is Posting Right Now - Raw Running Diary (4/14/13)
Apr 16, 2013 - 5:36:46 AM
"How it's gonna be this time.."
8:00pm: Guess who's back? Back again. Hus is back. Tell a friend. Hus is back, Hus is back, Hus is back, da-da-da. Posting something on three consecutive days? What is this.. I don't even.. man, I'm starting to remind myself of this one guy who used to write daily columns for this site. I'd better be careful.
8:00pm: The fans of Greenville, South Carolina had quite the bar set for them by last week's Raw crowd. There's no chance they reach that level, but it will be interesting to see if they can get anywhere close.
8:01pm: Super TV Show Voice Over Man leads us through a video package of last week, when Ryback turned heel/face by attacking John Cena, and then mentions that CM Punk has a "surprise" in store for us tonight.
8:02pm: Randy Orton's music officially kicks the show off, and we're getting a two-on-one Handicap Match. Within seconds, Sheamus' music hits, and the two friends-turned-foes-turned-friends-turned-foes-turned-friends walk to the ring together. Will they bore the live crowd again, causing them to chant for (almost) literally everything in the world but them? We shall see.
8:04pm: Big Show comes out as their opponent, and this show is off to an unfortunate start, with a match that most folks don't want to see. Hooray?
8:07pm: Well.. the crowd hasn't chanted for anything yet. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, though.
8:08pm: Show takes his usual spot of slapping people in the chest and tweaks the formula a bit, borrowing from Sheamus' playbook a bit, leaning him up against the ropes and slapping his chest repeatedly in rapid succession. Ouch. What the hell did he do to you, Show?!?
8:09pm: As Big Show climbs to the middle rope, Sheamus cuts him off and actually lifts Show onto his shoulders for an Electric Chair Drop. Very impressive feat of strength, even though Sheamus was struggling, changing colors and looking like he was about two seconds away from a prolapsed anus. He'll need an ice pack later.
8:11pm: A Brogue Kick, followed by an RKO give the face team the relatively quick win. I'm going to assume that signals the end of this feud. I figured the match would last a little longer than just over six minutes, but in no way am I complaining.
8:14pm: In a backstage interview with Josh Matthews, Heath Slater says that 3MB is going to call The Shield out tonight. To quote a great philosopher.. you don't wanna go down that road. This isn't going to go well.
8:17pm: Sho nuff, after the commercial break, they're in the ring. Let me just say.. Heath Slater's delicately light mutton chops are creepy as all hell. If your facial hair is the same color as your skin, I can't look at you.
8:19pm: ..oh, man, it's even worse than I thought! Instead of The Shield coming out, Brock Fucking Lesnar comes out. This really isn't going to go well. Here's to hoping Brock ends Jinder's career, at least.
8:20pm: Clotheslines, suplexes and F5's.. oh, my. Brock then takes Slater and gives him an F5 on the outside, forcing Slater's leg to land across the top of the guardrail.. and then he does it again. Sweet Jesus. Lesnar never ceases to amaze me with how scary he can be when he's decimating people.
8:22pm: Paul Heyman makes his way out to stop the carnage, and we get a promo. Heyman says Brock wants a fight with Triple H. Again? No. Please, no.
8:25pm: Oh, no.. no, no, no, no, no.. on behalf of Lesnar, Heyman issues a challenge to Triple H for Extreme Rules in a Steel Cage Match. Heyman went into full-fledged oversell mode in hyping up what kind of match it would be, making it sound like Hell In A Cell, which makes the Steel Cage stipulation disappointing. I don't know if that's going to draw anyone in. I know! Maybe Triple H can put his career on the line! In fact, that should be his gimmick. He should put his career on the line, lose, and then return every few months to put his career on the line and lose again, only to do it again a few months later, and so on. That'll win people over.
8:32pm: Next up, we have a United States Title match, with Antonio Cesaro defending the title against Kofi Kingston. The crowd continues to be.. bland. They aren't totally silent, but they aren't really cheering for much so far.
8:33pm: Why the fuck do they have this nigga doing some awful yodeling during his pre-match promos?!? "Oh, the fans want to cheer for Cesaro? Let's shut that right the fuck down right now. Have him annoy people to no end in his pre-match promos. That'll teach them!"
8:36pm: Watching Cesaro toss people into the air and then smash them with a European uppercut as they're on their way back down never gets old. Never.
8:41pm: There's a very faint soccer-style "Ole" chant from the crowd. It only lasted three or four seconds, but at least they're trying, I guess, for those of you who felt last week's crowd was the best ever. Spoiler Alert.. they weren't the best. They were the most animated. There's a pretty big difference.
8:43pm: Really nice sequence with some close near falls, and.. wait.. Kofi won the title?!? Wasn't he just looking like a jobber with his booking not that long ago? This really seems like his 53rd midcard title reign, but that number might be off by one or two.
8:44pm: Kofi even gets a post-match interview with Josh Matthews! He says that he brought the title back home. Does anyone know where Ghana, West Boston, Jamaica really is? I know I don't. I'm too busy trying to figure out what the WWE Creative Team is thinking when it comes to putting things together for their midcarders.
8:49pm: April 6th, 2014. New Orleans, Louisiana. WrestleMania XXX. I will be there, as a part of the second annual LoPBAVEE (Lords Of Pain Ballin Ass Vacation & Entertainment Extravaganza). Will you be there?
8:51pm: We flash back to last week, when Dolph Ziggler cashed his Money In The Bank title shot in and defeated Alberto Del Rrrrrio to win the World Title. What a moment. What a crowd reaction.
8:52pm: Apparently they're showing the entire segment, from the moment his music hit to bring him out all the way through his win and his celebration. Anything to kill a few minutes of TV time, I guess.
8:54pm: After we get the flashback to last week, we.. go back to commercial. Of course.
8:58pm: Justin Roberts announces the newwwww World Champion, and the team of Zig E, Big E & Slut E come out to a crowd reaction that can only be described as "subpar". In fact, that might be too nice. Wow. This crowd needs to wake up.
9:02pm: As Dolph cuts the typical "I'm great, and I'm better than you" promo, he is interrupted by Alberto Del Rrrrrio's music. ADR, who is rocking the t-shirt over his wrestling trunks look, making him look like a taller, thinner Mexican Winnie-The-Pooh. ADR says that he wants his World Title rematch right now, but before Dolph can officially respond, we get Vickie Guerrero excusing herself right onto the stage. Vickie grants ADR his rematch, but before the match can begin, Jack Swagger's music hits, bringing out Swags and Zeb Coulter. Let's see.. three different entrance themes in the same segment? Yup. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen.. clusterfuck!
9:05pm: ADR attacks Swagger, but Swagger returns the favor by smashing ADR's injured leg across the ring post and then putting the Patriot Lock on to next-to no reaction as the World Champion simply looks on from inside the ring. Well, we're not getting a World Title match here, I guess. Alright.
9:13pm: The Prime Time Players are already in the ring when we return from break, and their opponents are the Tag Team Champions in a non-title match. Good. I was beginning to wonder if this was an episode of Raw or Night Of Champions. Now I know it's Raw.
9:14pm: Michael Cole announces that The Undertaker teams with Team Hell No to take on The Shield in a six-man tag next week on Raw. Raw's going to be in London next week. That should make for a fun crowd.
9:15pm: The crowd is reacting to Daniel Bryan when he's on offense. He's over. He's one of the rare names on the roster that can wake up a quiet crowd, almost without fail.
9:18pm: Team Hell No win. It was a quick match, but not quite quick enough for Darren Young and Titus O'Neil to win any parting gifts. Sorry, guys. This was a good way to make the champs look strong heading into their big six-man match next week.
9:24pm: We get what appears to be a pre-taped promo from Ryback, which is labeled as his explanation for his actions last week.
9:26pm: Ryback with the smark-friendly line, mentioning that people wish John Cena was injured more often. He then talks about how being friends with Cena means being in the shadow of Cena. "If you are Superman, say hello to kryptonite." Very effective line.
9:27pm: Ryback mentions being attacked on multiple occasions by The Shield, saying that they attacked him six different times, but Cena was never to be found. "Where were you, John? Designing your latest t-shirt?" Another good line.
9:28pm: He then mentions that Cena was also attacked by The Shield on multiple occasions, but every time it happened, he (Ryback) came to the rescue. These are pretty valid points. The man is making Cena look like a dickbag. Way to go, John. Asshat.
9:30pm: Ryback calls himself the biggest threat to Cena's title reign. Well, I don't know about all that. I'm in the middle when it comes to that promo. On one hand, I think Ryback did a very good job in explaining himself, delivering a few memorable lines and not stumbling all over himself. On the other hand, though, I think Ryback's character might be better served if he isn't cutting five-minute promos. He shouldn't be doing much talking at all. He should just go out to the ring, hand people's asses to them, and leave. WWE should find a good middle ground for the future.
9:35pm: R-Truth is already in the ring for our next match, and the Intercontinental Champion, Wade Bar-ruh, is his opponent. Is Wade going to drop the title here, only to win it back at the Smackdown tapings?
9:36pm: Well, the match wasn't announced as being for the title, so there goes that.
9:39pm: Wade gets even less crowd reaction than the average person on this.. and R-Truth just won the match as I typed that to zero reaction. What in the red hell is going on tonight?!? No fucks are given about the midcard titles. Actually, no fucks are given about any titles in this company, other than the WWE Title.
9:45pm: Oh, joy.. it's Great Khali time. It's time for a tag match (playa), and here comes Santino to be Khali's partner. Their opponents are the Rhodes Scholars. You know, the team that isn't supposed to be teaming up anymore. Yeah. Them.
9:48pm: Has there ever been a bigger single-week drop in crowd noise than we're seeing from last week to this week? This is like the fans from last week continued yelling and chanting all week long and lost their voices, forcing them to sit and watch this show like emotionless zombies. Thanks for nothing, Greenville. Or, thanks for nothing, WWE. Whatever option you feel is best.
9:50pm: A Cobra from Santino. A mini-Cobra from Hornswoggle. Distractions. A roll-up. A win for Rhodes Scholars. Nobody cares. The match still wasn't short enough for the losers to get any parting gifts, though. I'm going to have so many new toys at this rate.
9:52pm: Fandango is out after the commercial break. This is going to be interesting.
9:55pm: Jerry Lawler is in the ring, and he mentions that Fandango was victorious in his debut match at WrestleMania, and then he throws to a video package of the crowd last week humming and dancing along with Fandango's music (you know, the part of Fandango that actually is over), and then we get several videos and Touts of people humming and dancing.
9:57pm: Back from the video package, there is no fucking reaction from the crowd. Not even after Fandango's music hits, bringing the man and his dancer out. Holy shit. This is great. Oh, hey, there's approximately ten people in the arena, sprinkled here and there, that are dancing to the music.
10:00pm: More silence.
10:01pm: Hey, the crowd responded to him when he asked if they want to go "Fandango-ing" with him. Not loudly, but compared to the reaction he got when he came out, that damn near registered on the Richter Scale.
10:02pm: He's trying to lead the crowd in the proper way to pronounce his name, but it isn't going the way he wants. He tells the crowd to "go Fandango" themselves as a result, and his music gets a little more reaction the second time around. Greenville is an embarrassing wrestling crowd this week, one way or another. I'll say this, though.. with Raw being in London next week, don't be surprised if the crowd is singing and dancing to Fandango's music for all three hours. It might be crazy.
10:06pm: After the break, we're getting Dolph Ziggler VS Jack Swagger in a non-title match. Oh, no. This match is only going to end in one of two ways.. both of which involve Ziggler losing, which would continue the trend for tonight for every champion that isn't teaming with The Undertaker next week.
10:10pm: Watching Zeb Coulter twirl his mustache makes me wish the company would just get it over with already and have him tie some poor damsel to a set of train tracks. It's overdue.
10:17pm: This is a weird match. It's Heel VS Heel, but one of the heels is someone who crowds usually want to cheer for and make a face, except for this week, when they aren't really reacting to him much because they aren't really reacting to much of anything.
10:21pm: Tonight's trend continues, and Swagger pins Ziggler. It's like WWE is just trolling people now. Unbelievable.
10:22pm: As Swagger celebrates his win on the ramp, ADR runs out and attacks him from behind. He ends up knocking Swagger off the stage, and then locking him in the Cross Armbreaker, as Swagger's arm is bent back over the edge of the ramp. It's funny watching Ricardo Rodriguez and ADR standing atop the stage, limping around, looking like the Gimp Bobbsey Twins.
10:24pm: Because Michael Cole is talking about The Rock's injury, I must pose this question to everyone right now. I want to know how many of you believe The Rock is injured to the extent he is. I want to know how many of you believe The Rock is dealing with minor injuries/pains, but is playing it up in an attempt to build his "brand". I want to know how many of you don't believe anything The Rock is saying, and feel, for one reason or another, he's lying about being injured. If you want to, you can share your thoughts on it. Overall, though, I just want to see how many people believe him and how many don't.
10:29pm: Because every super heavyweight on the roster has the power to teleport, Sheamus didn't see Mark Henry coming, and Henry tackles Sheamus before The Celtic Warrior can begin a backstage interview with Matt Striker. Henry puts Sheamus through the set, and that's that. Alright.
10:30pm: It's time for a CM Punk promo, and he comes out, looking almost sad. A decent "C-M Punk" chant breaks out, but it doesn't appear to change Punk's mood any.
10:34pm: Punk says that he's never satisfied, and that, throughout his lengthy WWE Title reign, he was always looking at what the next step was. He says that The Undertaker's WrestleMania streak might be bigger than being the WWE Champion. He says that he pushed Taker to his limit at WrestleMania, and then stops talking, appearing to get emotional.
10:35pm: A loud, dueling "Un-der-ta-ker"/"C-M Punk" chant breaks out. Punk just looks on, completely silent. He looks at Paul Heyman, apologizes to him, hugs him, hands him the mic and leaves the ring. Heyman is stunned, not knowing what to say. Punk simply walks away, heading backstage. This appears to be his "out" for some time off. Before Mania, we saw reports that Punk might be getting an extended break to finally rest up all of the nagging injuries he's been dealing with. The exact amount of time off was never reported, but I'd assume Punk would be gone no longer than four months, which would bring him back for SummerSlam. I wouldn't be surprised if he only missed a few weeks, bringing him back after Extreme Rules, for the build to the Payback pay-per-view on June 16th. By the way.. Payback comes to us from Chicago. Exactly.
10:41pm: Booker T scolds Teddy Long for booking matches behind his back, then reveals that Dolph Ziggler will defend the World Title in a Triple Threat Match against Jack Swagger and Alberto Del Rrrrrio, but he doesn't say when the match will happen, so we're left to assume that it will take place at Extreme Rules.
10:42pm: Our next match is Kaitlyn VS Nikki Bella in a non-title match. Let me guess.. Nikki wins? Looking at the time, and considering we still have a John Cena segment to go, it would appear Raw is being "main evented" by a Divas match. Again. Wow.
10:45pm: This crowd is dead. Short some Diva nudity here, I don't think anything is going to save this segment.
10:46pm: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and JBL have basically spent the entire match so far discussing how one Bella is "larger" than the other, and then they snicker and joke about how women don't appreciate being referred to as "larger" but that it's pretty obvious one of the Bellas is "larger".
10:47pm: The "smaller one", as Lawler calls her, uses Twin Magic to enter the match and win it. It's official. If you're a champion that isn't teaming up with The Undertaker next week, fuck you.. eat a dick.. enjoy your loss. I have no idea what the hell is going on this week, but it's not good. No, sir, I don't like it.
10:53pm: Randy Orton & Sheamus VS Big Show & Mark Henry has been booked for Smackdown this week. Well, there goes tonight being the end of the Orton/Sheamus/Show feud. *sigh*
10:54pm: It's time for a John Cena promo, ladies and gentlemen!
10:56pm: Cena is getting one of the better crowd reactions of the night, but it's less of a reaction than he usually gets. This crowd is awful.
10:56pm: Cena starts things off by calling Ryback out, and the Artist Formerly Known As Skip Sheffield comes out.. to a very mild reaction. Man. Fuck you, Greenville. No more shows for you.
10:57pm: A "feed me more" chant kind of breaks out, but the Greenville fans aren't able to get their timing right, and it sounds like "fhgkth mehghe mtothdb" before fizzling out after a few seconds.
10:58pm: lol @ cameras cutting to a shot of The Shield standing behind a curtain, warming up and preparing for their cue to walk out. Someone's getting yelled at by Vinnie Mac over that production blunder.
10:59pm: Cena says that he issued a challenge last week, which Ryback didn't answer. Instead, Ryback waited until Cena's back was turned to attack him. That's not really true, John. He waited until you turned around before laying you out with the Meat Hook Clothesline.
11:00pm: Moments after CM Punk said that The Undertaker's WrestleMania streak is bigger than the WWE Title, Cena says that the WWE Title is "everything" in the wrestling business.
11:01pm: I'm not sure how he knows this for a fact, but Cena insinuates that Ryback is missing the "piece" between his legs. Eww.
11:02pm: It's Magic Mike time! Cena takes his hat off, and then his shirt, and the women in Greenville go crazy.
11:03pm: Cena wants Ryback to do something now that they're face-to-face. He tells Ryback to earn a shot at the WWE Title, but Ryback walks away. As he walks off, The Shield's music hits, causing Ryback to turn around and look into the ring.
11:05pm: The Shield surround the ring, and Cena cautiously prepares for a fight as Ryback continues to stand in the aisle and look on.
11:05pm: The fight is on! Ryback continues to watch as The Shield get the numbers advantage, beating Cena down.
11:07pm: Ryback walks off, and The Shield hit their triple powerbomb on Cena. The males in the crowd chant "one more time", and Ryback walks backstage. We go off the air with The Shield standing tall over a beaten John Cena.
#ThankYouBasedGod: Brock Lesnar's destruction of 3MB, especially his two F5's to Heath Slater on the guardrail.. The Undertaker, Kane & Daniel Bryan VS The Shield being set up for next week.. Ryback cutting a surprisingly good promo.. The lack of reaction to anything having to do with Fandango.. CM Punk getting the time off that he deserves.. I get to keep all the parting gifts for myself
#FuckYouLifeForNotLettingMeAttendThisYearsLoPBAVEETrip: Randy Orton & Sheamus VS Big Show getting the show off to a slow start.. Paul Heyman selling a Steel Cage Match as being a lot bigger and more dangerous than it is in the WWE landscape of 2013.. Having to watch Triple H VS Brock Lesnar again.. Kofi Kingston having some of the most ridiculous booking in all of wrestling.. Ryback's promo maybe going a little longer than it should have.. Wade Bar-ruh's booking being damn near as nonsensical as Kofi Kingston's.. The fact that people will continue to slob on Fandango's knob like he should be main eventing at this point.. Dolph Ziggler, fresh off of what could/should have been a "star-making" moment, losing his match the very next week.. The thought of having to sit through the next several weeks, and possibly even months, without CM Punk.. "Twin Magic" still being a thing.. The WWE Creative Team copping a squat and taking a nice, fresh, steamy dookie all over any title holder that isn't the WWE Champion or that isn't teaming with The Undertaker next week, with some absolutely atrocious booking decisions.. The fact that nobody on the WWE Creative Team is apparently smart enough to understand the formula of "Build Strong Champions + Build Strong Challengers = Build Strong Feuds".. The fact that the WWE Creative Team even has the jobs they do.. The fact that the WWE Creative Team is an insult to the word "creative".. The fact that the era of Triple H gaining power backstage was supposed to lead to bigger and better things, but things are actually worse in the eyes of many.. The fact that this shit is probably going to continue spiraling downward now that WrestleMania is over.. The fact that Raw is still three hours long every week.. The fact that I had to make this section so damn long
Grade: D, and maybe that's generous.
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