Hustle Is Posting Right Now - Raw Running Diary (2/4/13)
Feb 5, 2013 - 4:38:55 AM
"Somebody's gon' get they ass kicked.."
8:00pm: The first episode of Raw in February 2013. Less dew eet!!
8:02pm: CM Punk's music hits, and the man himself walks out to kick things off tonight, from the old WCW stomping ground of Atlanta, Georgia. On his way to the ring, Punk grabs a sign from a young child and destroys it.
8:03pm: Punk forces Justin Roberts to announce him as "The People's Champion, CM Punk", which is funny.
8:05pm: I always laugh when Punk says Brad Maddox's name, with the hard pronunciation making it sound like "Mad Ox", when most of the time, people would say it like "Mad Ix" or "Mad Dux".
8:06pm: In reference to the video of Paul Heyman telling Brad Maddox about the deal with them and The Shield, Punk points out that he was never seen or heard in the video, which is a very valid point.
8:08pm: lol @ Punk saying that was actor Paul Giamatti in the video, and not Paul Heyman. Wow.
8:10pm: Punk says that he's going to grant The Rock a rematch for the WWE Title at Elimination Chamber, which is very nice of him. What a guy.
8:10pm: Booker T, of all people, comes out to interrupt Punk's promo.
8:11pm: lol @ Booker flubbing the start of his promo twice, not even being able to say what his official job title is. Way to go, Book.
8:11pm: Booker announces that Punk will be facing one of his former WrestleMania opponents tonight, and that person will be chosen by the WWE Universe. The choices are Rey Mysterio, Randy Orton and Chris Jericho. Right away, a loud "Y-2-J" chant breaks out. That's not really a good sign for Randy Orton, is it? Remember when he was the clear cut #2 guy in the entire company? I'm not saying he isn't over anymore, but it's still a surprise.
8:15pm: It's time for the first match of the night, and here comes Ryback, but we go to commercial before finding out who he's facing.
8:19pm: Back from break, Antonio Cesaro comes out to be Ryback's opponent. I feel like we've seen this match before somewhere.
8:23pm: ..as we go back to yet another commercial, I'm remembering how poor the Atlanta crowd was for WrestleMania a couple years back. There's not much of a reaction to this match so far, with the exception of a group of drunken idiots who keep trying to start a "Goldberg" chant. I get that this is WCW country and all, but the chant wasn't clever to begin with, let alone being clever all these months later. When you're at a wrestling show, and you try to start a chant that nobody else is picking up on, take the hint and shut the fuck up. Stop being a dickbag to everyone around you.
8:28pm: Nice heel strategy for Cesaro, running Ryback into the ring post and then the ring steps before rolling back into the ring and demanding the referee begin counting Ryback out. Of course, Ryback made it back into the ring before the ten count, but my point remains.
8:30pm: The crowd finally comes alive for the "Feed Me More" chant before the Meathook Clothesline.
8:31pm: After two Meathook Clotheslines and Shell Shocked, Ryback picks up the win. Nothing award-winning here, but a perfectly acceptable start to the action tonight.
8:39pm: Time for a video package on The Shield, taking us back to their debut at Survivor Series and looking at the various people they have targeted in the two months since.
8:41pm: The video package transitions into Vickie Guerrero's office, where she tells John Cena that he may have a death wish if he really plans on calling The Shield out all by himself tonight, but Cena says they need to be stopped. Man, this first hour of Raw has basically been on autopilot.
8:42pm: ..as soon as I type that, we get a replay of the Trish Stratus Hall Of Fame video package.
8:49pm: It's time for Santino, and he makes his way to the ring for our next match. His opponent? Jack Swagger, who comes to the ring without any glitz and glamour. He just stomps straight to the ring and gets in with an angry look on his face.
8:51pm: Booker T, on commentary, reveals that Randy Orton and Rey Mysterio will be in the Smackdown Elimination Chamber match.
8:52pm: The newly-named Patriot Act (ankle lock) wins the match for Swagger. Thank you for playing our game, Santino. We have a nice parting gift waiting for you backstage. Enjoy your gift card good for a year's worth of Spotify Premium. Spotify Premium provides your family and friends with unlimited access to music without interruption from pesky ads. The gift card will allow the use of Spotify on a mobile phone, with the ability to take music playlists on the go. Spotify Premium gift cards.. give the gift of music.
8:58pm: Alberto Del Rrrrrio, without a car or his amigo, is out for our next match. The man's introduction just isn't the same when he isn't driving a fancy car and entering the arena as Ricardo Rodriguez takes 43 seconds to say his name.
9:00pm: Cody Rhodes will be ADR's opponent here, and LMAO @ Cody's mustache having a t-shirt, with "Groomed For Greatness" being the catchphrase. Wow. That's amazing.
9:02pm: The crowd really isn't into this match, either.
9:03pm: ..and the match is already over, with Cody taking another quick loss. Thank you for playing our game, Cody. We have a nice parting gift waiting for you backstage. Enjoy your Edge Of Glory knife sharpener. The Edge Of Glory sharpener will restore your old, dull knives to like-new levels of sharpness in just moments. The secret is the Edge Of Glory's dual hardened Tungsten Carbide teeth. The Edge Of Glory works on all kinds of knives - even serrated blades - and saves you the trouble of having to buy an entirely new set of kitchen knives. The Edge Of Glory.. put the "sharp" back into your old knives.
9:04pm: Post-match promo from the World Champion here, with the crowd chanting "What?" after every sentence. That's probably not a good sign.
9:05pm: ADR says he's the World Champion for people who are being bullied and who work every day to put food on the tables for their families. Is he really going to pretend that he's the blue-collar king now? Well, I guess that explains the lack of expensive cars during his entrances these days. Look for him to drive into the arena in a hybrid car sometime soon.
9:05pm: Big Show interrupts ADR's promo, but Show is via satellite from a hotel room in the Atlanta area. Show wants a World Title match at Elimination Chamber, and the end of Show's promo on the TitanTron gets his entrance music played in the arena. lolwut?
9:09pm: Jerry Lawler grabs a mic and announces to the live crowd that Chris Jericho won the fan poll and will be facing CM Punk tonight. Jericho had 57% of the votes, with Randy Orton receiving 30% and Rey Mysterio only getting 13%.
9:15pm: Team Hell No are in the back, arguing about who was at fault for their loss to Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara on Smackdown. Bryan tells KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE to stay in the back for the upcoming match, and KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE agrees.
9:16pm: Rey Mysterio comes out for the next match, and lol @ a child in the crowd holding a Mysterio sign up but looking bored out of his mind. Ouch.
9:17pm: Goatface Killah comes to the ring as Mysterio's opponent. Alright, this one should be fun.
9:19pm: The crowd, bland for most of the night, comes alive for Daniel Bryan. You hear that, WWE? Pay attention.
9:27pm: You probably might not be able to tell by the fact that I didn't have much of anything to say, but that was a fun little television match, with Bryan picking up the win by submission. That's a nice victory for Bryan, and you have to think it's enough to put him in the Elimination Chamber.
9:27pm: MARK HENRY! MARK HENRY! MARK HENRY! THE WORLD'S STRONGEST MAN IS BACK!
9:27pm: Henry walks to the ring, where he tosses Daniel Bryan to the side like a young child, then gets in the ring and delivers a huge slam to Rey Mysterio. Sin Cara runs out to make the save, but he takes a World's Strongest Slam for his troubles, and then Mysterio takes one, as well. Of note, a "one more time" chant then breaks out. After hitting Mysterio with a Vader Bomb in the corner, Henry continually screams "THAT'S WHAT I DO!" to end the segment. What a way to come back. We may have ourselves a new entrant in the Smackdown Elimination Chamber, folks.
9:35pm: Goatface runs to KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE and wonders where he was out there, but KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE reminds him that he was told to stay in the back "no matter what". Welp.. the man's got a point there.
9:40pm: Back to the Atlanta hotel room, Big Show receives a room service meal, and then he doesn't even tip the worker. What an asshat. This is riveting television, by the way.
9:44pm: I'm sure it's been said by one or two members of the IWC, but I want to throw my name in the mix.. Raw has no business being three hours every week. There just isn't enough ability and focus from the WWE Creative Team to handle that kind of stress. We get way too much "filler". Way too much commercial breaks. Way too much video packages of things that happened earlier in the night. You could damn near argue that even two hours is too much, and that maybe 90 minutes would be more fitting.
9:47pm: Sheamus VS KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE is the next match of the night, and as KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE makes his entrance, Michael Cole reveals that Booker T has named Daniel Bryan as the third man in the Elimination Chamber. Now it's Randy Orton, Rey Mysterio, Daniel Bryan and three unnamed people, wrestling for a World Title shot at WrestleMania. I can dig that.
9:49pm: Holy shit, the crowd is dead. I just heard someone in the third row think about what he wants to eat after the show.
9:51pm: Daniel Bryan runs to the ring, distracting KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE, who pushes Bryan off the ring apron only to turn around and eat a Brogue Kick to give Sheamus the win. A short match, but not a squash match, so I must apologize to KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE, but he will not be receiving a parting gift tonight. With that sentence, I am now expecting to wake up in the middle of the night to see him standing there in the corner of my room. If you don't hear from me tomorrow on Twitter, ladies and gentlemen, contact the police.
9:56pm: We get to watch Brock Lesnar delivering an F5 to Vince McMahon for the 23rd time tonight! Huzzah!
9:57pm: It's time for MizTV! Double Huzzah!
9:57pm: Paul Heyman is the guest on MizTV tonight, and he just walks out interrupting Miz because he's as bored as the rest of us are.
9:59pm: I hate The Miz. I hate The Miz almost as much as I hate Chris Culliver, and I want Chris Culliver to come up "missing" somehow.
10:01pm: Vickie Guerrero, looking especially MILF-like, comes out to interrupt the least-intimidating threat of all-time, as Miz was telling Heyman to stop "crowding" him.
10:02pm: Vickie reveals that Paul Heyman had nothing to do with Brock Lesnar showing up on Raw last week. She says that she secretly re-signed Lesnar to a contract, in an attempt to impress Vince McMahon, causing him to give Vickie the permanent General Manager position.
10:03pm: lol @ Vickie doing some horrible acting as she cries, upset over what happened to Vince McMahon last week.
10:04pm: The Miz, showing that he's an intolerant douchebag, has the nerve to interrupt a prayer, as Vickie and Heyman were looking to a higher power to help Vince recover. What an asshole.
10:06pm: BROCK LESNAR IS HERE! KILL THE MIZ! KILL HIM! END HIS FUCKING CAREER! DROP HIM ON HIS NECK! BROCK, I WILL GLADLY SEND YOU ENVELOPES FULL OF CASH IF YOU DO IT!
10:08pm: YES! YES! THIS IS THE GREATEST RAW IN THE HISTORY OF EVER! KILL HIM!
10:09pm: "Brock, no more! You're gonna kill him!" THAT'S THE POINT, PAUL!
10:09pm: "Brock, he's sorry!" He damn sure is, Paul. He damn sure is.
10:09pm: See, now that is something I could watch again and again during recaps.
10:10pm: I was so amped as it happened live, I didn't even realize that Brock threw a chair from the ring to the outside, and it hit Miz smooth in the fucking head. Oh, man, I need that as a .gif and I will display it everywhere.
Post-Show Edit: Thank you to LoP's very own TNA expert columnist, Crow, for the .gif I requested..
10:15pm: After another replay of Brock Lesnar beating The Miz up, Randy Orton makes his way to the ring for our next match.
10:16pm: Wade Bar-ruh comes to the ring to be Orton's opponent. WWE.. ENOUGH WITH THIS FUCKING MATCH ALREADY! This is already the fourth time these two have faced each other in one way or another on television in 2013. Throw in five matches over the last two months of 2012, and this is beyond overkill now.
10:16pm: We get a picture-in-picture promo from Chief Jay StrongBoDallas, and he is clearly reading his promo from cue cards just off camera. That's pathetic. How did that even make television?!? By the way, for those who have asked where Chief Jay StrongBoDallas' name came from, it's because he doesn't look like Mike Rotunda's son whatsoever. Look at his skin tone and his hair. He looks like he's a Native American. At some point, Chief Jay Strongbow must have had a sexual relationship with Mike Rotunda's wife, and that gave us the man we see on television today. It's an old Lords Of Podcast Roundtable joke that has now been shared with the masses.
10:19pm: I'm still shaking my head at the fact that Orton and Bar-ruh have been opponents nine times in a mere 100 days, and that's just counting televised matches. WWE has some issues.
10:23pm: Orton picks up the win, but I don't care. That's how sick of that match I am. They gave Bar-ruh a big singles win over Orton, and it went absolutely nowhere.
10:25pm: Since we're having another commercial break, I might as well answer a question I received a few times over the last day or so. My favorite Super Bowl commercial was probably the Taco Bell one with the old folks partying the night away. It was a weak crop of commercials overall, though.
10:27pm: Hey, it's another Fandango vignette, and now Johnny Curtis looks like Justin Gabriel or any emo kid you'll find at your local high school. I find myself caring even less now.
10:28pm: Chris Jericho VS CM Punk is up next. There's plenty of time left in the show, with not much left to happen, at least with what has been hyped tonight, so this one could get a nice chunk to work with.
10:31pm: The crowd has really woken up for this, with a loud dueling chant of "C-M Punk" and "Y-2-J". It's the males chanting for Punk, while the females and the children chant for Jericho. That's what it sounds like, anyway.
10:32pm: lol @ Punk yelling "ASK HIM" as he locks Jericho in an armbar and the referee checks in. Nice touch.
10:38pm: Punk attempts his springboard clothesline from the top rope, but Jericho ducks, and Punk goes splat. He didn't even bounce when he hit the mat. That couldn't have felt very good.
10:40pm: We're getting reversals and counters from both men in this match. That's usually the sign of a good televised match, along with multiple believable near falls, which could be coming.
10:42pm: O HAI, believable near falls.
10:44pm: LMAO @ Punk responding to "this is awesome" chants by saying "sit down, marks" after pointing out that fans called it overrated in the past.
10:45pm: Go To Sleep wins it for Punk. At approximately 15 minutes, that was in the vicinity of how long I thought the match would be, and I'm not complaining one bit. Very good TV match. It was probably in the range of three stars.
10:47pm: I posted the story on LoP this afternoon, and it's officially announced here.. Bruno Sammartino is the newest member of the WWE Hall Of Fame's Class Of 2013. A lot of you don't quite understand just how incredible it is that Bruno and WWE have a working relationship again. This is a bigger surprise than Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart hugging in the middle of the ring. This is a bigger surprise than Bret Hart and Vince McMahon hugging it out. This is something that many people thought they would never see, even in their wildest dreams. Crazy stuff.
10:50pm: After the video package, the Atlanta crowd gives the news a standing ovation, and we get complete compliment mode from Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler on commentary, talking about how nobody in the history of the business is more deserving of being in the Hall Of Fame. That just isn't true. Vince McMahon is more deserving. So is TL Hopper. That's it, though.
10:57pm: Hey, a commercial break three minutes before the "end" of the show!
11:01pm: Big Show appears to have eaten half of his meal that he got from room service. He got the meal two hours ago! How is he that big when he takes forever to eat such a small amount of food?
11:02pm: Amazingly enough, Alberto Del Rrrrrio has found out what hotel Show is staying in, and he shows up for a fight, only to lose the advantage five seconds into it. After a shot with a fire extinguisher, though, ADR leaves Show out cold, and we go back to the arena to.. Brad Maddox in the ring for a promo? Huh?
11:05pm: Maddox says that he is an "innocent victim" and says that he is the one that gave Vince McMahon the footage from last week. He then says that he is the "hero" of this story, and that he is now calling out The Shield for himself.
11:07pm: ..this nigga just busted out a Bane voice as he called the group out. Wow.
11:09pm: The Shield make their way to the ring, and they're now beating Maddox down to virtually no reaction. This is odd booking, as the crowd doesn't care about Maddox to begin with, so why would they react to him being beaten up?
11:09pm: After the triple powerbomb, here comes John Cena, who enters through the crowd. As he makes his entrance, Ryback's music hits, and he comes out through a different section of the crowd. As Ryback makes his entrance, Sheamus' music hits, and he comes out through a different section of the crowd. The Shield try to escape up the ramp, but members of the WWE locker room come out to block them.
11:11pm: The brawl is on, and Jerry Lawler ridiculously sells it by yelling "come at me, bro" like a fucking moron.
11:12pm: Quite the short brawl, as The Shield retreats through the crowd. We go off the air with all six men having a staredown. I'll say it again.. WWE, make a War Games/Elimination Chamber hybrid take place at the pay-per-view. You have all the means to make it happen. Do something special for your fans, especially since you're only announcing one Chamber match.
#ThankYouCrowForTheGIF: CM Punk's random line about Paul Giamatti being in last week's video.. Ryback VS Antonio Cesaro, but barely.. Jack Swagger looking like he's back to being pushed as, at the very least, a legit midcard talent and not a joke.. Cody Rhodes' new shirt.. Rey Mysterio VS Daniel Bryan.. Mark Henry's return, where he looked like the monster he should always be pushed as.. Brock Lesnar beating The Miz up, which is something I'll never get tired of.. Chris Jericho VS CM Punk.. John Cena, Ryback and Sheamus entering the arena to even the odds against The Shield
#FuckYouChrisCulliverYouPieceOfShit: Booker T not knowing how to speak.. Lots of filler, to nobody's surprise.. The Miz.. WWE giving us the same set of opponents nine times in 100 days.. Wade Bar-ruh's victory over Randy Orton meaning nothing since it happened
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