Hustle Is Posting Right Now - Raw Running Diary (1/28/13)
Jan 29, 2013 - 4:49:09 AM
"Spin the wheel.."
7:50pm: The Royal Rumble is officially behind us, and now, we reach an interesting time on the WWE calendar. The night after the Rumble is often a memorable episode of Raw, with people debuting, returning, or setting up their matches for WrestleMania. Let's see what tonight has in store.
7:53pm: Very quickly, my thoughts on the Rumble.. there wasn't anything bad about the entire event, but a lot of it wasn't particularly good, either. The Rumble match itself was pretty bland, and while John Cena winning isn't going to make the internet happy, it was the most logical of all the scenarios. CM Punk VS The Rock was a good match, and it featured another logical conclusion, especially after we saw who won the Royal Rumble. Were the two outcomes things I wanted to see? No, not really, but I can't be mad at what happened. It just made sense.
8:02pm: Raw Roulette tonight, and we go straight to Vickie Guerrero backstage, where she announces tonight's first match will be Randy Orton VS Antonio Cesaro for the 16 millionth time in 2013. The stipulation for the match is Special Guest Referee, but the Ref isn't revealed.
8:02pm: CM Punk's music hits, and Punk storms to the ring, as angry and as fired up as we've ever seen him. He grabs a mic and begins screaming a promo, saying that he never lost last night.
8:05pm: Labeling last night as the "Phoenix Screwjob", Punk says that Vince McMahon screwed him by restarting the match after he had already won it. Punk is now calling himself the "People's Champion", but Vince's music interrupts him, and The Chairman makes his way to the stage.
8:07pm: Vince tells Paul Heyman that he has video evidence of Punk working with The Shield, and that evidence will be revealed later in the night. He says that Heyman could end up being "terminated" before the show is over.
8:09pm: Just like that, the segment is over, and now Randy Orton is making his way to the ring for his match. That was odd.
8:11pm: After "Mister America" Antonio Cesaro makes his way to the ring, The World's Worst Face comes out to be the Special Guest Referee for the match. Instead of actually counting to ten, will The Miz just make ten duckfaces for ring-outs?
8:15pm: Back from break, the match is already underway. All jokes aside.. is it bad that The Miz looks like a regular Referee, just with his shirt untucked? He's so small standing next to Orton and Cesaro, and he just looks like an everyday guy.
8:17pm: Orton with a couple European Uppercuts to Cesaro on the ring apron. Yeah.. Randy.. that's not a battle you want to get involved in. You should know better by now.
8:22pm: Back from another break, which came oddly close to the previous commercial break.. well, nothing's going on. I just wanted to point out that the commercial breaks were really close together.
8:25pm: I have to say this.. a match between Randy Orton and Antonio Cesaro needs a lot of things. "Multiple rest holds" is nowhere to be found on that list of things, though.
8:27pm: After The Miz gets involved in the match, basically distracting Cesaro, Orton sneaks up behind Cesaro and hits him with an RKO after he turns around. Orton wins the match. It was a decent match. You know, the 18% of it that we actually saw in between all of the commercial breaks. After the match, The Miz hits Cesaro with a Skull Crushing Finale, and keeping up with my strict No Fuck Giving Policy.. you guessed it.. I still don't give a fuck.
8:29pm: Vickie spins the wheel again, and it lands on "Make Me Laugh". The camera pans back to show Ryback standing there, and Vickie tells him to go out there and make her laugh. If you want a funny mental image, think of your favorite stand-up comedian.. whether it's George Carlin, Louis CK, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Bill Cosby, Mitch Hedberg, etc.. and think of Ryback telling all of their jokes. You're welcome.
8:33pm: Geico can make another commercial with Maxwell, but they still can't make an official plush toy of him, huh? Alright, Geico. That does it. I'm switching to Allstate. Pedro Cerrano can get me a good deal on things, and when he needs a little extra help, he just sacrifices a chicken for Jobu and things start to happen.
8:34pm: The Prime Time Players are in the ring, and their objective in this.. thing.. is to tell jokes to make people laugh. One joke in.. nothing but boos.
8:36pm: Ryback tells a "joke" about beating the PTP up, and then he does it. He sends Darren Young scurrying, and then knocks on Titus O'Neil's door. Titus answers, and Ryback is standing there with a paper bag. Titus is all like "Hey, Ryback." Ryback is all like "Hey, Titus. I got something for you." Titus is all like "Really? Awesome." Ryback then proceeds to reach into the bag and pull out a pair of buttocks. Titus is all like "What the hell is that?" Ryback is all like "It's your ass." Ryback then hands Titus his own ass.
8:38pm: I guess that wasn't enough for Ryback, as he attacks Matt Striker, too, causing JBL to half-heartedly celebrate on commentary. You should've put more into that call, JBL. You sounded like it was a chore. That was a pretty dumb segment, but the crowd was into Ryback, so it can't all be bad, I suppose.
8:46pm: Wade Bar-ruh is already in the ring, and thanks to another spin of the Raw Roulette wheel, Wade gets to pick his own opponent for tonight. He wastes no time in picking Bo Dallas, who eliminated him from the Royal Rumble last night. On cue, out comes Chief Jay StrongBoDallas, looking as creepy as ever.
8:48pm: The crowd isn't quite sure on how to react to this. You have a heel midcarder and a face that the large majority of the crowd knows nothing about.. and as I type that, Chief Jay StrongBoDallas just pinned Bar-ruh. After a bodyslam. Wow. The 2013 version of the 1-2-3 Kid continues his hot streak. It was a quick match, but Bar-ruh was on the offensive for damn near all of it, so he doesn't get the nice parting gift that is waiting backstage.
8:50pm: Another spin of the wheel, and Cody Rhodes has to face John Cena up next. Uh-oh.
8:55pm: The Royal Rumble winner makes his way to the ring for his match, and he looks focused. Speaking of Cena, I have a column that I wrote about him a couple years back, and I will be "fixing it up" a bit soon so I can post it again. Keep your peepers peepin for it sometime this week, maybe even within the next day or so.
8:58pm: Sweet Jesus.. Cena just steamrolled his way to victory there. WELP.. thank you for playing our game, Cody. We have a nice parting gift waiting for you backstage. Enjoy your Riddex Bird Repeller. Using the motion-activated Balcony Guard, the Riddex Bird Repeller emits a powerful ultrasonic sound that only birds can hear and will flee from. Riddex Bird Repeller will get rid of that nasty bird mess. Riddex Bird Repeller.. No More Bird Mess.
9:00pm: We get a post-match promo from Cena, which includes DA SIGN POINT~! You know we're officially on the Road To WrestleMania now. Cena is talking about how he now has the choice to face either the WWE Champion or the World Champion at WrestleMania, so it's nice that they're bringing that option back.
9:02pm: While discussing his feud with The Rock, Cena mentions that there were points during their verbal battles where Rock couldn't even hold his (Cena) jockstrap. Ouch.
9:04pm: lol @ Cena going with the "woe is me" route, talking about how he has no chance of beating either CM Punk or The Rock, based on their match histories.
9:05pm: After some internal thinking, Cena makes it official.. he will be challenging the WWE Champion at WrestleMania. Without actually saying it, he hints that we'll be getting a Rock/Punk rematch, and not inside the Elimination Chamber, but as he's talking, he's interrupted by The Shield's music. The group makes their way to the ring, and the brawl is on. Cena fights, but the odds are too much for him.
9:06pm: Sheamus' music hits, and he joins the brawl, but the odds are too much for him, too. Now, Ryback's music hits, and he runs to the ring to fight. It's still a three-on-one situation, though, and The Shield get the best of him, too, sending him into the ring steps. Cena enters the picture again, but he gets a second beatdown for his troubles.
9:08pm: As the crowd chants for The Rock, Cena takes the triple powerbomb from The Shield. We head to commercial with John Cena, Sheamus and Ryback all laid out. Once again, the company has gone to great lengths to put Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns over. I've said it before, but it's worth repeating.. they get booked like the most dominant stable in wrestling history, able to beat down the biggest and the baddest on the roster, but not needing 800 people to do it like the nWo often needed. The future is so, so bright for those guys. That was a really entertaining segment, putting them over nicely. If WWE is smart, and if the rest of the card allows for it, we'll get a six-man elimination match at Elimination Chamber, as a bit of a twist on the match. John Cena, Ryback & Sheamus VS The Shield. Two men start the match, with the other four men in the pods, and you can follow the rules of the Chamber, combining them with the rules of the old War Games set up. Every few minutes, a new person enters the match. Make it happen, WWE.
9:15pm: It's Raw Roulette time again.. Lingerie Pillow Fight.. and the camera pans back to show Tensai and Brodus Clay. Oh, dear fuck, no.
9:16pm: Tensai storms off, but Vickie tells Brodus that she can't afford having those two in lingerie while Vince McMahon is in the building, handing out performance evaluations, so she tells Brodus to spin the wheel again. It lands on Dance-Off, and Brodus tells Vickie that he'll inform Tensai of the "change" in their match, as he walks off, trying not to laugh.
9:18pm: Brodus and the Funkadactyls make their way to the ring, and I'm already worried about what I'm about to see with Tensai coming up here.
9:22pm: Tensai is wearing a bathrobe. No. No, no, no, no, no.. aaaaand this nigga is wearing a lingerie teddy/nightie over his ring trunks. What. The. Hell. Is. Going. On.
9:24pm: Brodus is up first with his dancing. Can I just point out that this is even more odd coming off of the previous segment with a major beatdown of the top faces in the company?
9:26pm: TENSAI IS DANCING HIS ASS OFF! TENSAI AND BRODUS ARE DOING GANGNAM STYLE! Tensai looks like he's trying his best not to crack up as he dances, and this has gone from a dance-off to looking like the formation of a brand new tag team. Ron Simmons is shown on the TitanTron, and we get the "DAMN" schtick, which sends Tensai running off, embarrassed.
9:27pm: Alberto Del Rrrrrio spins the wheel, and he lands on Body Slam Challenge. His opponent? Big Show. Yeah, good luck with that, Bertie.
9:32pm: ADR continues to be over, but Ricardo Rodriguez's introduction of him is even more over. The crowds have a blast saying "ALBERTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" with him.
9:34pm: Before the challenge can even begin, Big Show knocks ADR out with the WMD punch. That just makes Show look like a fucking idiot. As I've said on countless occasions.. Show is 500 pounds with a knockout punch as his finishing move. Why not just hit it ten seconds into a match and get it over with? He does it now, though?
9:36pm: Show duct tapes ADR to the ropes, and begins to destroy Ricardo in front of ADR. Now it's ADR's turn to look like an idiot, because Show only tapes one of his wrists to the ropes. Instead of using his free hand to remove the tape, ADR is just flailing around like he's completely helpless.
9:37pm: The crowd isn't really reacting to this, because it's the Big Show, but this is a good way to make him look like an asshole. He double-wraps ADR's wrist to the rope and continues to beat Ricardo down.
9:40pm: The segment ends with Ricardo down and out after a WMD, and Del Rrrrrio out again after a second WMD. The crowd finally reacts, booing Show. That was well done, if you ask me. ADR and Ricardo have been all fun and games recently, so this is a good way to add some fire to the feud. I look forward to seeing how the champion will respond to this.
9:43pm: *ahem* Fuck you, Jackson Hewitt. Fuck you, USA Network. Fuck you, WWE. Fuck you, Montell Jordan. Son of a bitch.
9:45pm: A Las Vegas Showgirl Lumberjills Match, as Kaitlyn takes on Tamina in a non-title match, with both women and the lumberjills getting the jobber entrance. So, it's the rest of the Divas as lumberjills at ringside, but they're all dressed like Vegas showgirls. Alright.
9:47pm: There's pretty much zero crowd reaction for this match, and right as I say that, the crowd wakes up a bit as all of the Divas jump in the ring to brawl, making the entire thing relatively pointless. I guess this is a no contest. Whatevers clever, Trevor.
9:54pm: It's time for the brand new WWE Champion to make his first appearance on the show, and as The Rock comes out, I have to say how strange it is to see him as the champion again. It feels like forever since he last had a title, and I guess, in the realm of wrestling, it has been forever since he last had a title.
9:59pm: Rock calls this particular moment the proudest of his entire career, which is really saying a lot, considering everything he's accomplished through the years.
10:01pm: ..aaaaand we're back to shit like "Deep Fried Twinkie Tits". *sigh*
10:02pm: Before Rock can really say much else, CM Punk comes out to interrupt him. Punk talks about how he made the WWE Title prestigious because of his 434-day reign as the WWE Champion, and we get Punk laying out a challenge for a rematch at Elimination Chamber, which Rock accepts immediately, so there you have it.. The Rock VS CM Punk for the WWE Title at Elimination Chamber, leaving the Chamber open for another match. A relatively short promo battle, used to set up the rematch. Nothing too wild.
10:12pm: Damien Sandow gets the jobber entrance for our next match, and after his wheel spin is shown, we see that he is facing Sheamus in a Tables Match. Sheamus makes his way to the ring, still selling the attack at the hands of The Shield from an hour ago.
10:15pm: Well, Sandow is already performing much better than Cody Rhodes did earlier. I guess that shows which member of Rhodes Scholars the company prefers.
10:19pm: This match is put together nicely. Sheamus is struggling, thanks to his arm injury from the earlier attack, and Sandow is wrestling an aggressive style, in an attempt to take advantage of Sheamus' weakness.
10:21pm: After fighting through the pain, Sheamus finally puts Sandow through a table for the win. It wasn't a super-lengthy match or anything, but it was a nice televised gimmick match.
10:26pm: Next up.. The Great Khali VS Zack Ryder in a Karaoke Challenge. They have to sing a WWE Superstar's theme song, and Khali is singing Shawn Michaels' "Sexy Boy" song. Well, kind of. He's singing it, but he's damn sure not following along with the words on the screen. Before Ryder gets his chance, the THREE.. MAN.. BAAAAAND make their way to the ring, and Jinder Mahal has the skinniest skinny jeans of all-time on his person right now. If you look closely.. not that you'd want to.. I bet you could see his pussy print through his pants. It probably looks like a fist.
10:30pm: The segment ends with 3MB getting beaten down by Khali and Ryder. Another weird segment that didn't really matter, in the grand scheme of things. We didn't even really get the Karaoke Challenge. It seems like half of this episode has been pointless in the world of kayfabe. Odd.
10:33pm: Fresh off of his surprise return to the company at the Royal Rumble, Chris Jericho makes his first appearance on Raw in five months, and it's promo time.
10:36pm: After kissing up to the crowd for a while, Jericho is interrupted by The Mack, The Black & The Girl Who Likes It From The Back. Warrick Dunn looks like he's put on 20 pounds of muscle mass in his lower body.. pause.. since last week.
10:39pm: "Big E? What does the 'E' stand for? Your bra size?" *sigh*
10:39pm: Vickie Guerrero interrupts with another Raw Roulette spin, and it lands on Strange Bedfellows, so she books a match where Jericho and Ziggler have to team up against Team Hell No. This show has been a weird, weird train wreck.
10:42pm: Referee Scott Armstrong appears to be wearing bell-bottoms. Just thought I'd share that information.
10:44pm: *turns on the auto-tune* My debut album.. *turns the auto-tune off*
10:47pm: Daniel Bryan and KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE argue after some miscommunication, and Jericho decides to channel Eddie Guerrero by slapping KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE across the back, then tagging Ziggler into the match, so Dolph is who the Big Red Monster saw when he turned around. Team Hell No gets the win. Jericho VS Ziggler at WrestleMania, as well as Bryan VS KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE? Looks like we're building to it.
10:48pm: It's time for the next inductee in the WWE Hall Of Fame, and it's.. Trish Stratus. Very well deserved. She helped to take women's wrestling to crazy levels during her time with the company.
10:54pm: Oh, snap! Vince McMahon gets the jobber entrance on his own show! What's happening in the world?!? Vince calls Paul Heyman out, and Heyman makes his way to the ring.
10:56pm: An "E-C-W" chant breaks out. Let it die, ladies and gentlemen. Let. It. Die.
10:56pm: lol @ Vince shaking Heyman's hand, only to then pour a generous amount of hand sanitizer on his hands once Heyman let go of the handshake.
10:57pm: Heyman denies having any involvement with Brad Maddox or The Shield, and then gets asked if he has ever lied before. Heyman basically cuts a "wrestling promo" inside of a wrestling promo, saying that he has lied every single day because "that's what promoters do". Vince looked like he wanted to laugh when Heyman said that, which was funny. Heyman swears that, even with what he just said, he isn't lying about his lack of involvement with Brad Maddox and The Shield.
11:00pm: It's time for the video proof that Vince said he had earlier, and we get a shot of Paul Heyman and Brad Maddox backstage somewhere. Heyman tells Maddox's cameraman to turn the camera off, and the screen goes black for a few seconds, but the audio stays on. The picture comes back, and the cameraman is secretly filming Heyman reveal that he, indeed, paid Maddox and The Shield to do the dirty work for CM Punk. As he said it, The Shield creepily show up behind Maddox. Heyman, in a mob boss way, leans in real close to Maddox and says that he should take this as a learning experience, then steps away so that The Shield can attack Maddox. Back to real time, a "you got busted" chant breaks out, and Heyman looks like someone just told him there was a bologna shortage in America.
11:04pm: lol @ Shaggy Heyman, going with the "that wasn't me" excuse.
11:04pm: Heyman says that he's being set up, saying that was a Paul Heyman impersonator in the video, since they're in a city full of impersonators. Ah, good ol' Las Vegas.
11:06pm: "Mr Heyman.. YOU'RE..", but Vince is interrupted by Brock Lesnar's music, and business has certainly picked up. The crowd went nuts for his music again.
11:09pm: LMAO @ Heyman frantically yelling "VINCE, PLEASE LEAVE THE RING!!!" as Vince was face-to-face with Brock.
11:10pm: Heyman absolutely loses his shit as Brock lifts Vince up and drops him with an F5. Vince appeared to land awkwardly on his hip/butt. That couldn't have felt very good. We go off the air with Brock celebrating his deed, and Heyman in a panic over what happened.
#ThankYouCreatorsOfBoyMeetsWorldForDecidingToGiveUsGirlMeetsWorld: The fire that CM Punk showed in his promo to start the show.. Randy Orton VS Antonio Cesaro.. The Shield looking like absolute monsters in beating down the three top faces in the entire company.. Even the mere hint at an Elimination Chamber six-man elimination tag, twisting the usual formula of the Chamber.. Tensai making chicken salad out of chicken shit, and actually looking like he was having fun as he danced with Brodus Clay.. Big Show's beatdown of Alberto Del Rrrrrio and Ricardo Rodriguez, adding another layer of intrigue to that storyline.. Sheamus VS Damien Sandow.. Brock Lesnar's return.. Lesnar's attack on Vince McMahon.. What appears to be a new Dangerous Alliance, with Paul Heyman "controlling" CM Punk, Brock Lesnar, Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns
#FuckYouTNAForRuiningTheAcesAndEightsStoryline: All of the stipulations that proved to be completely pointless when all was said and done.. Tensai in lingerie.. The Rock briefly slipping back into his third-grade insult style
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