Hustle Is Posting Right Now - Raw Running Diary (1/21/13)
Jan 22, 2013 - 4:28:13 AM
"We gon' Rumble in this ho.. we gon' Rumble in this ho.. all you weak ass niggas, get yo' ass of the floor.."
7:58pm: It's the "go home" episode of Raw before the Royal Rumble, so we, as the viewing public, shouldn't expect anything that will change the landscape of wrestling forever. It will be interesting, however, to see how much effort the company puts into selling the pay-per-view, or if they'll just assume that the Rumble match itself, as well as CM Punk VS The Rock, is all they really need for people to drop money on the event.
8:01pm: Vickie Guerrero's shrill voice kicks things off tonight, and she walks to the ring arm-in-arm with.. Paul Heyman. Now that would make for an odd "power couple".
8:03pm: Apparently, both of them are out here to complain about The Rock "defaming" their name during his concert last week. In fact, Rock's actions were so despicable and so hurtful that.. we're going to watch the clips all over again! God knows if I were attacked by someone, I would not only want a continued reminder of the attack, but I'd make sure that I was the one who showed the footage.
8:05pm: This, of course, means we have to hear Rock's horribly off-key rendition of an Eric Clapton classic one more time. Thanks for nothing, WWE.
8:08pm: Vickie reveals that she has banned The Rock from entering the arena tonight, saying that he will be arrested if he tries to enter the arena. Amazingly enough, AT THAT EXACT SECOND, The Rock has arrived at the arena, and is met by a small handful of local indy workers wearing their police officer Halloween costumes nine months early (or three months late, I guess).
8:10pm: Apparently the police in San Jose is really lazy. They're just standing there, as The Rock yells at them and cuts a promo, drawing laughter. If you don't understand how ridiculous this is, I want you to do something. After you're done reading this, go outside and find the first cop you can find. Once you find a cop, let alone a bunch of them, start yelling in his or her face, cutting a "wrestling promo". See how long it takes before you're in cuffs and thrown in the back of a car, especially when your "promo" consists of directly defying orders that have been placed before you.
8:12pm: We end the segment with Vickie turning up her Annoy-O-Meter up to an insane level, to yell "IF YOU SMEEEEELLLLLLL.. WHAT THE VICK.. IS COOKING!!!" What a mess that entire thing was. We're not off to a great start here.
8:13pm: We're having a Beat The Clock Challenge tonight, with the winner getting to choose their own number in the Royal Rumble match. *crosses fingers and hopes the winner picks #14*
8:16pm: Jobber entrance for Antonio Cesaro. You know.. the United States Champion. That guy. His opponent here is Randy Orton for what seems like their 29th televised match this month. This will be the first match in the Beat The Clock Challenge.
8:20pm: Randy Orton with the early winner for Ugliest Lou Thesz Press Of The Year.
8:21pm: We go to break as the clock hits 3:08.
8:25pm: Back from break as the clock hits 6:43. At least there doesn't appear to be any weird clock shenaniganery like I'm sure we'll see during the Rumble itself, where one entrant will join the match 90 seconds after the previous one, and then the next entrant comes in well over two minutes later, while the next one comes in just over a minute later, and so on.
8:28pm: The crowd hasn't really gotten into this match. They're alive in spots, and for a second or two, but even when Orton is on offense, it's not what you'd expect.
8:30pm: Orton wins at 11:36, in what was kind of a dumb ending for Cesaro. He had Orton on the outside of the ring, being counted out, and went to get him, with Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler saying that it would be smart to do so, as letting Orton lay on the outside wastes precious seconds. Well, not only did Cesaro going to get Orton cause him to lose the match, but it took him more than ten seconds to get out of the ring, help Orton up and roll him back into the ring. In that precious world of kayfabe, he would've had a good chance of winning the match by countout at a time which would've been less than 11:36. *sigh* The match was pretty decent, at least, so there's that.
8:31pm: A music video to celebrate the career of Mick Foley, the first member of this year's WWE Hall Of Fame class. I'm pretty excited to hear the crowd pop he gets in New York for the ceremony, as well as the speech that he'll deliver. That should be fun.
8:38pm: A Jason Statham Movie, starring Jason Statham as Jason Statham!
8:38pm: Big Show's music hits as we return from break, and it's time for another match. Show angrily walks to the ring, looking as though someone shot his monkey.
8:40pm: As Michael Cole announces Alberto Del Rio will defend the World Title against Big Show in another Last Man Standing Match at the Royal Rumble, Zack Ryder comes out to be Show's opponent. If there was ever someone deserving of a jobber entrance, it's this goof, but he gets a full entrance instead.
8:42pm: ..and Show wins in under a minute. Thank you for playing our game, Zack. We have a wonderful parting gift waiting for you backstage. You can collect them once you've regained consciousness. Please enjoy your Kindle Fire. Amazon's mini-tablet features a seven-inch screen, where you'll be able to enjoy e-books, watch movies, as well as being able to browse the internet on the Amazon Silk cloud-accelerated browser, featuring a reduction of more than 30% in page load times over the previous version. Kindle Fire.. Beautifully Simple.
8:48pm: We're back from break, with 3MB in the ring, doing their 3MB thing, and Ryback is announced as "his" opponent, even though we don't know which member of 3MB Ryback is facing until Cole says Heath Slater during Ryback's entrance.
8:51pm: The match went exactly as you would expect it to, with Ryback dominating and picking up the win. Thank you for playing, Heath. We have a parting gift waiting for you backstage. Please enjoy your.. year's worth of Baconators from.. Wendy's. Well, this is awkward.
8:52pm: The Rock is still talking to the police officers. AN HOUR LATER. Jesus Christ.
8:54pm: The acting budget in this segment is zero. Holy shit. In what makes perfect sense, Vickie Guerrero shows up and threatens to suspend the police officers if they don't do their job. This is like going to 7-11, getting the biggest size of Slurpee they sell, and just tossing back the entire thing. You'd suffer a crippling brain freeze, and watching this shit is doing just that to the WWE Universe. After some more insults to Vickie, she storms off, and Rock tells the cops that he has an idea.
8:59pm: Raw Roulette returns on next week's show, as Raw comes to us from Las Vegas. Well, that should be an interesting episode. Even without the Raw Roulette gimmick, the Raw after the Rumble is usually a newsworthy show.
9:00pm: CM Punk, along with Paul Heyman, make their way to the ring for what appears to be a promo.
9:03pm: The promo is along the lines of just how much the WWE Title means to Punk. Punk says that Rock can be "The People's Champion", saying that he can deal with the "sheep", as the "people do not matter".
9:07pm: Pretty to-the-point promo from Punk, with no flash or extra-memorable lines. Just him trying to sell how important keeping the WWE Title is to him.
9:12pm: Back from break, it's time for another Beat The Clock Challenge match, as Dolph Ziggler makes his way to the ring, alongside Warrick Dunn and the asstastic AJ Lee. Oh, and I hate to say "I told you so", but like I told people when he debuted.. "Ryblack" is such a lame nickname for Big E Langston, and now, the man himself says so. I said that "Choc Lesnar" and "Soulberg" were much better options. What names did he say he finds funny? "Choc Lesnar" and "Soulberg". You gotta trust me when I say things, folks.
9:13pm: The Miz comes out to be Dolph's opponent for the match. 11:36 is the time to beat for this match.
9:16pm: The first real noise that the crowd makes for this match? A "Let's go, Ziggler" chant. WELP, Miz..
9:18pm: I'm not 100% sure, but I think I just heard a fan yell "Miz is a jobber!!" as the camera cut to Warrick Dunn leaning against the guardrail. That was hilarious.
9:19pm: With the clock counting backwards, it shows 7:40 as we go to break.
9:22pm: Back from break with 4:03 remaining in the match.
9:24pm: Credit where credit is due, The Miz is getting fired up and making a comeback, which is getting the crowd into the match for a moment. See? I'm fair.
9:25pm: Miz locks in one of the ugliest Figure Fours of all-time, which draws AJ to the ring apron, distracting the referee, allowing Warrick Dunn to pull Dolph to the ropes, breaking the hold. That was a long sentence. I should've thrown some more commas into it.
9:26pm: After another distraction from the former Tampa Bay Buccaneers Running Back, Dolph hits Miz with a ZigZag, winning the match in 10:56, making him the new leader in the Beat The Clock Challenge. A decent match. Not as good as Orton VS Cesaro was, but certainly not terrible, minus the Figure Four, which Miz took several seconds to lock on, and then still didn't have it on properly, so he had to sit up and move Dolph's leg around.
9:30pm: Fuck you, Jackson Hewitt. Fuck you, USA Network. Fuck you, WWE. We don't need two commercials during the same commercial break.
9:32pm: A whole bunch of high-as-fuck viewers just heard some familiar entrance music on Raw and TRIPPED OUT, thinking Randy Savage was making his way to the ring. Instead, it was for Dr Shelby, who is here for Daniel Bryan and KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE graduating their Anger Management courses.
9:33pm: lol @ Team Hell No coming to the ring in black gowns for the ceremony. Double lol @ Daniel Bryan having his hair slicked and parted, to go with the gown and the beard, making him look like a member of a Doomsday Cult, preparing for the suicide pact.
9:36pm: lol again @ KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE putting the hat on, with the tassel hanging in front of his face.
9:37pm: Both men are trying to nominate each other as the valedictorian, and Bryan is clearly trying to hold his laughter back as he talks. This segment.. man.. the crowd is getting into it, too, with a loud "Dr Shelby" chant.
9:38pm: Dr Shelby says he wants "everyone" to hug, and lol @ Bryan repeating "everyone" with the inflection and tone of a child.
9:39pm: Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are told they have to hug, and they do. Team Hell No go around the arena, making people in the crowd hug, and everyone is doing it. We're basically turning this into a "Hug Cam", with people seeing themselves on the TitanTron and hugging each other. The segment ends with Team Hell No and Dr Shelby in a triple hug. Wow. That segment was something else. Incredibly corny, but at least it had some very funny moments, and as I said, the crowd was into it, which is what matters.
9:46pm: Back from break, Alicia Fox receives the jobber entrance, and her opponent is the brand-new Divas Champion, Kaitlyn. This is a non-title match.
9:47pm: The crowd is dead. D-E-D, dead.
9:49pm: Kaitlyn wins the match with a Spear. It was a.. weird.. finish. Kaitlyn appeared to hit the move solidly, but Alicia looked to sell it incorrectly, and they awkwardly tumbled to the mat. I was going to give Alicia a parting gift, but instead, the four-slice toaster from Cuisinart will come home with me.
9:51pm: "Two tickets to paradiiiiiise.. whoa-oh-whoa-oh-whoa-oh-whoa-oh.. whoa-whoa.."
9:53pm: Back from break, Paul Heyman is in the ring for a promo, while CM Punk gets to sit in a skybox. Man, those skyboxes are real sluts, going from man to man and letting anyone inside.
9:55pm: As Heyman talks, the camera zooms in, and you can see a clear puddle of foamy spit atop the microphone windscreen. Eww.
9:56pm: Heyman says that, like these people, The Rock is stupid, but The Rock comes out, holding a ticket for Raw, which he got from one of the cops. Ladies and gentlemen, if you purchase a ticket to a WWE event, you, too, can have your very own entrance during the show, complete with music and a TitanTron video. This is how stupid WWE thinks we are.
9:58pm: The Rock also gets to come into the ring and cut a promo, which is also a part of the package that you get for buying a WWE ticket these days. I guess you get your money's worth that way.
9:59pm: Rock tells Heyman to leave the ring, and begins speaking to Punk, who looks like he isn't interested whatsoever.
10:01pm: Punk continues to look bored out of his mind as Rock continues his promo.
10:02pm: After quoting Martin Luther King Jr and promising to win the WWE Title at the Royal Rumble, Rock ends his promo, but the lights go out.. and come back on to show The Shield attacking Rock. It's a three-on-one attack, and Rock gets laid out with the triple powerbomb. Rock still has his "flop like a fish out of water" selling style, I see. Punk cuts a promo on Rock, saying that it's cute Rock has a dream, but that you eventually have to wake up from those dreams. We cut to commercial as Rock is spitting up blood in the ring, and Punk raises the WWE Title above his head in the skybox. I'll give credit where it's due again.. it wasn't a Promo Of The Year candidate or anything, but that was easily Rock's best work since this feud with Punk began. It's amazing what can happen when he isn't running through stupid catchphrases, mentioning Twitter and using jokes that are nearly two decades old. The segment helped to sell the WWE Title match pretty well, in my opinion.
10:10pm: Sheamus' music hits, and the man himself walks out for another Beat The Clock Challenge match. Cole says that it's the final one of the night, and Wade Bar-ruh comes out to face Sheamus. The United States Champion? Jobber entrance. The Intercontinental Champion? Full entrance. Alright.
10:12pm: 10:56 is the time to beat here, just as a reminder.
10:14pm: Super quiet crowd so far for this match.
10:14pm: With the clock reaching 8:39 to go, we head off to another commercial break.
10:18pm: 5:03 and counting as we return from break.
10:20pm: The crowd wakes up for Sheamus' "ten stiff forearm shots to his opponent that is tied up in the ropes" spot.
10:22pm: As Sheamus lines up for the Brogue Kick, Dolph Ziggler, AJ and Warrick Dunn run to the ring, and AJ distracts Sheamus, who turns and gets laid out with Winds Of Change by Bar-ruh. That was a dumb plan, even though Sheamus kicked out at two.
10:24pm: Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick, but he doesn't have enough time on the clock to get the pin. Dolph wins the Beat The Clock Challenge, and is allowed to pick his own entrant number for the Royal Rumble.
10:30pm: Back from break.. The Mack, The Black and The Girl Who Likes It From The Back barge into Vickie Guerrero's office. As Dolph says that he's about to pick the #30 spot in the Rumble, Vickie says that Dolph doesn't get to choose from any number. He merely gets to choose between the following choices.. #1 or #2. Ouch. Storyline-wise, it makes sense, with Vickie wanting to punish Dolph, but it just comes across as weird, with the heel Vickie doing face activities.
10:32pm: As Punk and Heyman are walking backstage, they run into Vince McMahon, who announces Punk will be stripped of the WWE Title if The Shield interfere in his match at the Rumble. Oh, snap.
10:38pm: Ricardo Rodriguez is introduced so that.. he.. can introduce.. Alberto Del Rrrrrio. As ADR makes his way to the ring, Tensai is revealed as his opponent. Jobber entrance for Tensai at this stage of the show, and facing the World Champion, you say? Let me go ahead and get the parting gift prepared.
10:42pm: A horrible Moonsault wins the match for ADR. Well, thank you for playing our game, Tensai. Your parting gift is waiting for you backstage. Please enjoy your gift card to Men's Warehouse. Whether it's a suit, a dress shirt, some footwear, or a nice pair of slacks, Men's Warehouse is your place to go. Men's Warehouse. You're gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.
10:44pm: ADR leads the San Jose crowd to count to ten in Spanish, and Jerry Lawler calls him "Roberto Del Rio". Twice. I'm shaking my head so hard that papers are flying off of my laptop table.
10:45pm: The second member of this year's WWE Hall Of Fame class is.. Bob Backlund. Oh, lawdamercy, that is going to be a speech worth checking out. That crazy old bastard might end up speaking for an hour straight.
10:50pm: It would appear that ADR VS Tensai is tonight's "main event", as John Cena is making his way to the ring for a promo.
10:53pm: Oh, no.. Cena is in "goofball promo" mode. He says that his username for online video gaming is "Skidmarks187". *sigh*
10:56pm: Now we're discussing blow-up dolls, bodily fluids, fat guys and posting dick pics on the internet. So.. this is really happening. SELL.. THE.. PAY-PER-VIEW. THIS.. THIS IS NOT SELLING THE PAY-PER-VIEW.
10:58pm: Cena vows to win the Royal Rumble, but Sheamus interrupts him, coming out to say that he is going to win the Royal Rumble.. but then the Prime Time Players come out. Let's see.. three entrance themes in a single promo. You know what that means.. say it with me.. it's a clusterfuck! As I type that sentence, Randy Orton's music hits, and he comes out. Everyone is saying they're going to win the Rumble, and now, The Miz makes his way out. KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE's music hits, and here comes Team Hell No. We've had six different entrance themes here. Does that make this a clusterfuckclusterfuck? A clusterclusterfuckfuck? Bryan and KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE both say they'll win the Rumble, but they're interrupted by Antonio Cesaro, who actually gets an entrance this time around.
11:01pm: Just so that paragraph doesn't get too long, here comes the THREE.. MAN.. BAAAAAND, BAYBAY! All three men say that 3MB will give the world the Rumble winner, and we now have a brawl in the ring involving the entire WWE roster. It's about as cliché as it gets, as we get the exact same thing on every Raw leading up to the Royal Rumble, but hey, at least it pops the crowd. Raw goes off the air with the "Rumble preview" taking place in the ring.
#ThankYouForBeingAFriendTraveledDownTheRoadAndBackAgainYourHeartIsTrueYoureAPalAndAConfidant: Randy Orton VS Antonio Cesaro.. CM Punk's promo, selling the upcoming WWE Title match.. The Miz VS Dolph Ziggler, but barely.. Team Hell No graduating from their Anger Management course.. Kaitlyn's body.. The Rock's promo, selling the upcoming WWE Title match.. Sheamus VS Wade Bar-ruh.. The thought of Bob Backlund giving a speech at the WWE Hall Of Fame ceremony
#FuckYouAndFuckHerToo: The opening segment with Vickie Guerrero, Paul Heyman, The Rock, and the worst actors that independent wrestling has ever seen.. The ending of Randy Orton VS Antonio Cesaro.. The Miz and his gawdawful Figure Four Leglock.. Mack, Black & From The Back's weird strategy to try and interfere during the Sheamus VS Bar-ruh match.. Vickie Guerrero, as a heel, doing face-like activities to get under Dolph Ziggler's skin.. Alberto Del Rrrrrio's Moonsault.. John Cena's promo, which did nothing to help sell the pay-per-view as anything worth paying for
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