Hustle Is Posting Right Now - Raw Running Diary (1/14/13)
Jan 15, 2013 - 4:35:22 AM
"I thought we had something special, but I was wrong.."
7:58pm: Another week, another episode of Raw, and another Raw Running Diary. For those wondering, the last time I had back-to-back weeks with an RD was the "go home" episode before SummerSlam and the night after SummerSlam, so it's been almost five months. Seems like much longer, though, if you ask me.
8:00pm: Tonight marks the 20th anniversary of Monday Night Raw. As is always the case with the milestone episodes, there are rumors galore about who might be returning, who might be making a special appearance, who might be doing what.. should be interesting to see how this unfolds.
8:00pm: I just legit got goosebumps.. or as we call it in Hawaii, "chicken skin".. as the montage of old school Raw intros kicked us off this week. That was fun.
8:02pm: The show officially gets underway with Vince McMahon getting the jobber entrance on his own show in what might be the most understated suit he's ever had on.
8:03pm: Vince announces that John Cena will take on Dolph Ziggler tonight, and it will be a Steel Cage Match. That should be fun. Vince then says The Rock will be performing in another Rock Concert tonight. That.. well.. that should be something. Before Vince can say anything else, though, Big Show's music hits, and the former World Champion comes down to the ring.
8:06pm: lol @ Vince pointing out that Show has lost weight, but interrupting Show to say he was talking about losing the World Title. We then get footage from Smackdown, where Alberto Del Rrrrrio defeated Show in a Last Man Standing Match to win said World Title.
8:08pm: Show wants Vince to strip ADR of the title, calling ADR "inferior", but that brings out Ricardo Rodriguez, who leads the crowd in his introduction of Del Rrrrrio. I'll say this.. Ricardo looks like he's having a blast doing the introduction now that the fans are doing it along with him. ADR recommends that Big Show stop crying, then says he wants to defend the World Title against Show here tonight, but Show refuses, saying he wasn't prepared for the match on Smackdown and he isn't prepared for a match tonight.
8:12pm: Show wants his title rematch to take place at the Royal Rumble, where he vows to knock ADR out.
8:15pm: LMAO @ the crowd chanting "Si, Si, Si" and Big Show asking them what the "letter C" has to do with anything. That was some very nice ad-libbing by Show.
8:16pm: The segment ends with Ricardo throwing confetti on Show, who then tries to attack him. We get a bit of a brawl, with Show being sent scrambling. Not exactly an earth-shattering opening segment to what is supposed to be a very big episode of the show, but it'll do.
8:20pm: A recap of Bob Barker as the Guest Host of Raw is shown. I swear they showed the exact same video recap during Raw 1000. Raw's been on for 20 years, but WWE couldn't find something else to give us a video package on?
8:21pm: The first match of the night will be Randy Orton VS Wade Bar-ruh (who got the jobber entrance) in a non-title match.
8:25pm: Apparently we're going to get the audio versions of "Did You Know?" facts tonight, with Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and JBL discussing random facts about Raw's history like how many total hours of television time Raw has taken up through the years. I have my own "Did You Know?" factoid, though..
DID YOU KNOW.. no matter how many episodes of Raw air on television, and how many hours of programming are filled up because of those episodes, I simply cannot find myself giving a fuck about that statistic?
8:30pm: Hey, Jerry Lawler takes it upon himself to point out how unattractive he thinks Wade is. I guess.. that.. means.. he thinks Orton is attractive? Things are getting weird again, Jerry.
8:33pm: Wait.. hold on a minute.. as I was typing up something else entirely, Bar-ruh picks up a clean victory over Orton. Wow. I was not expecting that at all. Hit him with his finisher and pinned him in the middle of the ring, just like that. Unexpected, like I said, but damn if that isn't exactly the thing Bar-ruh needed for his career. He wins the Intercontinental Title, and then goes on to pick up a win over Randy Orton. Maybe the company is going to be serious about pushing him now.
8:38pm: Backstage, Eve sees Booker T, who informs her that she will be stripped of the Divas Title if she gets herself counted out or disqualified in her match against Kaitlyn tonight. Of course, with the way Booker speaks, it became "you will be STRIPPED.. *long pause*.. of the Divas Title", which means a lot of people got their hopes up for nothing.
8:40pm: Daniel Bryan and KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE meet up with Dr Shelby, and Bryan's comedic delivery is great, telling Dr Shelby that he loves how KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE can set things on fire by lowering his arms somehow. The Big Red Monster then follows it up by saying his favorite thing about Bryan is that he isn't afraid to wear women's clothing from time-to-time. More weirdness on Raw, ladies and gentlemen!
8:43pm: Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes are brought in by Dr Shelby. The good doctor says that it's an exercise to help Team Hell No. He wants the Rhodes Scholars to "purposely antagonize" them, to see if they have their anger in control. Sandow makes the mistake of mentioning Dr Phil, which sends Dr Shelby off the deep end, and we get a fight between the two teams, ending with Shelby chanting "YES!" along with KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE and Bryan. As we go to commercial break, the Tag Team Champions make their way to the ring, and Michael Cole tells us that KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE will be facing Sandow one-on-one. I guess that means Daniel Bryan will be facing Cody Rhodes later in the show, if wrestling logic has taught me anything through the years.
8:48pm: Jobber entrance for Sandow. Boom.
8:51pm: ..and a chokeslam ends the match already. Well, Damien, thank you for coming. Your parting gift is waiting for you backstage. I would like you to enjoy The Godfather movie collection on DVD. With over nine hours of footage in the five-disc set, you'll have plenty of entertainment to get you through those long trips from town to town.
8:55pm: It's time to reveal the first inductee into the WWE Hall Of Fame this year.. Mick Foley. Nobody's surprised about this news, as the story broke a few days ago, and was posted on this site by yours truly. Foley comes to the ring, and we immediately get a cheap pop.. but then the music of The Shield hits, and the commentary does a great job, yet again, of putting over how dangerous these men are, making it seem like a huge deal that Foley is out there all by himself.
8:59pm: Well, he was all by himself, as Ryback makes his way out once they reach the ring. Ryback fights them, one-on-three, but then Randy Orton runs out and the brawl is on. Here comes Sheamus, and the brawl gets even wilder. The faces get the upper hand, sending The Shield scurrying away from the ring. We never did get to see any interaction between Foley and Dean Ambrose, and considering their storyline history, that's kind of unfortunate, but there's plenty of time for that to happen.
9:03pm: Josh Matthews is in the ring to interview Ryback, and Ryback appears to be the first graduate of the Ric Flair School Of Biting Your Own Tongue During A Promo And Causing Yourself To Bleed.
9:05pm: A video package airs of some of the most memorable WrestleCrap gimmicks of the Raw era, the highlight of which being William Regal's old "Man's Man" entrance music. At least we got a video package that didn't air on Raw 1000 this time.
9:09pm: It's Divas Title match time, and Kaitlyn gets the jobber entrance in her hometown of Houston. Let's see if there's anything to the rumors of Eve leaving the company after tonight.
9:14pm: The crowd really got into a near fall for Kaitlyn after a Scorpion Death Drop, and then got into another near fall for Eve a moment later. The match is exactly what you'd expect, but at least the crowd is being given moments to invest in.
9:17pm: Kaitlyn hits perhaps the single best Spear that a Diva has ever delivered in the history of ever, and she gets the win to become the brand new Divas Champion. She's emotional in her celebration, and as I've said before, I always mark out for emotional title celebrations from wrestlers. It's a nice way of letting people know that, underneath some larger-than-life personalities and television personas, these are people, too, and more often than not, lifelong wrestling fans living out a dream. Congratulations, Kaitlyn.
9:24pm: It's time for another non-title match, with CM Punk taking on Brodus Clay. Kind of random, but not random, all at the same time, based on Punk's "shuck and jive" comments last week. "Shuck and jive" has now been said on this episode several times, to go with last week, and now, I really wonder if "minstrel show" is next.
9:27pm: This Houston crowd is completely behind Punk here. No surprise, especially with Brodus' momentum having died months ago. Live crowds don't have a reason to care about him anymore.
9:30pm: Anaconda Vice gets the win for Punk. Damn. I was really hoping to see Punk lift Brodus up for Go To Sleep. Shucks. Maybe next time.
9:33pm: Post-match, Punk cuts a quick promo, basically saying nothing that he hasn't already said before.. he's the Best In The World.. he's going to beat The Rock at Royal Rumble.. and so on. Alright.
9:34pm: Now that we're halfway through the show, I have to say.. I'm very disappointed with Raw so far. The only thing that makes this different than any random episode of Raw is the random video packages from the past. There's nothing that makes this feel "big" at all. I really hope the second half of the show is better.
9:40pm: A Rock-N-Sock Connection reunion backstage, but Mick Foley and The Rock are interrupted by Vickie Guerrero, who is upset over how loud they are. She can't hear herself think, but what I could hear was one random fan chanting "SU-PER DRAG-ON" multiple times while Vickie was speaking. The crowd was that dead.
9:44pm: Sheamus makes his way to the ring for an Over The Top Challenge. Over The Top.. hmm.. my fingers are now crossed for either Lincoln Hawk or Bull Hurley to come out as Sheamus' opponent here, but I'll also settle for Mad Dog Madison or Grizzly.
9:48pm: ..or 3MB could come out and be the opponents in a three-on-one handicap version of the challenge instead. Aww crud.
9:50pm: Hey, the crowd's dead for this. Go figure.
9:51pm: Jinder Mahal.. has been.. eeeeeliminated! Thank you, Repo.
9:51pm: Drew McIntyre.. has been.. eeeeeliminated!
9:51pm: To zero crowd reaction, 3MB wins, as Mahal and McIntyre pulled Sheamus off of the ring apron as he was trying to pull Heath Slater over the top rope.
9:53pm: Fret not, my pets.. Sheamus hits Slater and McIntyre with a Brogue Kick after the match. Thank goodness.
9:54pm: Oh, joy. It's another promo from the corny version of John Cena, where he actually mentioned having a bowel movement the size of Papa Shango. *sigh*
9:55pm: The Miz is on the stage, and he says that he will be hosting MizTV after the commercial break, with a Hall Of Famer as his guest. After asking the crowd if they want a hint on who the guest will be, Miz acts like an even bigger asshat than he already is. That didn't help at all. WHO IS THE GUEST, MIZ?!? WHO IS THE GUEST?!?
10:00pm: MizTV.. I'm starting to lose my smile here.
10:01pm: Ric Flair is the guest on MizTV. lol @ Flair pulling the dick move (not like that) on a child in the front row, putting his hand out for a handshake, and then pulling his hand back at the last second to run it through his hair. That just wasn't nice, Naitch. You gonna kick one of the Make-A-Wish kids down the stairs next?
10:04pm: Now we're getting a "Woo"-off between Flair and Miz. *headdesk*
10:04pm: Now we're getting another video package from the past, this time of various wrestlers and their signature catchphrases. This is what Ric Flair was brought back for?
10:08pm: Flair is interrupted by Antonio Cesaro, who says that he doesn't rely on "crutches" like a catchphrase to get his points across. Ouch.
10:11pm: ..so, Flair stops Cesaro from leaving the ring, then we get a Skull Crushing Finale from Miz. Flair signals for the Figure Four, which pops the crowd, but then Flair "passes the torch" by letting Miz lock the Figure Four on Cesaro.. to no reaction. Way to go, WWE. I'm really going to need this show to amaze me in the last 45-ish minutes, because we're not looking at a very good grade so far.
10:18pm: Daniel Bryan VS Cody Rhodes is up next. Thank you, wrestling logic, for helping me to predict this earlier.
10:20pm: ..and the match is already over. Daniel Bryan picks up the submission victory. Cody, thank you for coming. Your parting gift is waiting for you backstage. Please enjoy your Edible Arrangements gift card. Valentine's Day is coming up. Get something for that special someone in your life.
10:21pm: In a video exclusive for WWE.com, Eve announces that she quits, and the crowd continues not to care. Oy vey.
10:27pm: Warrick Dunn makes funny faces as AJ Lee leads us into a video package of some of the various weddings in WWE history.
10:31pm: Jim Ross is making his way to ringside, and he's apparently going to join the commentary team for tonight's main event. I have to wonder how much JR gets paid for his random appearances for random matches and promos on Raw these days.
10:35pm: Dolph Ziggler gets the jobber entrance for this match as we find out that JR is replacing Michael Cole for this match and not making it a four-man commentary team.
10:38pm: To the surprise of nobody, a once-dead crowd comes to life for a John Cena match. Whether you love him or hate him, that is why WWE continues to push the man. You may not like his character, or even his in-ring skills, but damn if he doesn't "save" live crowds in city after city, all around the globe.
10:45pm: I'm not one of those people that feels any sort of cage match should be removed from WWE plans because they don't allow blood anymore, but I have no problems admitting that cage matches of any type certainly don't mean as much as they used to. Remember when a feud wasn't placed inside of a cage unless the competitors seemed to legitimately want to kill each other? Now, we get random matches thrown into cages with no hype (not to be confused with HIPE) or promotion whatsoever.
10:49pm: Sweet Jesus, Warrick Dunn just slammed the cage door on Cena's skull.
10:53pm: As AJ climbs to the top of the cage, Warrick Dunn gets into the ring with the Money In The Bank briefcase, but Cena brushes off that interference, disposes of Dunn, and then hits Ziggler with an Attitude Adjustment to pick up the win. Well, that's certainly not going to make a lot of people happy. Cena defeats Ziggler once again, even though this stipulation, like the Ladder Match at TLC, was tailor made to have Cena lose a match without having to be pinned or submitted. WWE still has a lot of work to do if they want people to take Ziggler seriously as anything more than a midcard talent. The match itself was decent enough. Nothing special, but more than serviceable for television.
10:58pm: It's time for the "Rock Concert", and here comes The Rock to a nice pop from the crowd. Again, though, it's not as loud as the pops he was getting during the feud with Cena. I'm guessing some of the "buzz" has worn off now that he's made so many appearances on WWE television.
11:03pm: Rock begins the "concert" by singing about Paul Heyman's "floppy breasts", his "little penis" and how ugly he is, to the tune of "Heartbreak Hotel". How does Rock know the size of Paul Heyman's genitalia? That's disturbing. We're off to a magical start.
11:06pm: Next up, Rock decides to sing a song directly to Vickie Guerrero, who nervously walks out onto the stage. Gee, I wonder where this is going?
11:07pm: To the tune of Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight", Rock goes off-key and tells that "beeyotch" that she looks "horrible tonight". Be A Star.
11:10pm: The crowd is into the songs. That I will have zero problem admitting.
11:11pm: Rock decides to cut things short by calling CM Punk out. Gone is the smile from Rock's face, replaced by a more angry look. Punk walks onto the stage, along with the man who apparently has a small penis and moobs.
11:12pm: ..aaaaand the term "twinkie tits" was just uttered on Raw, which started a "twinkie tits" chant from the crowd. That's a first.
11:13pm: Punk delivers one of the most memorable lines in recent wrestling history last week. Rock's response? "You aren't God, but God as my witness, I will beat you for the WWE Title." Even Punk haters enjoyed Punk's line, but that was the comeback?!?
11:14pm: Punk charges to the ring, and we have a brawl on our hands. We go off the air after both men have been separated by WWE referees and officials, and both men look as though they genuinely dislike each other. Not much of a brawl, but it does set the stage for what has the potential to be a very good match between the two at the Rumble.
#ThankYouChocolateChipFudgeBrowniesForKeepingMeCompanyDuringRaw: Big Show's ad-lib in the opening segment about the letter "C".. Wade Bar-ruh finally looking like he's going to be pushed as a serious threat.. Mick Foley getting a much-deserved induction into the WWE Hall Of Fame.. Kaitlyn's celebration after winning the Divas Title.. John Cena VS Dolph Ziggler in a Steel Cage Match.. The Rock being better than he was last week, but barely.. More heat for the upcoming CM Punk VS The Rock match..
#FuckYouLactoseIntoleranceForNotAllowingMeToProperlyEnjoyATallGlassOfMilkToGoWithSaidBrownies: Brodus Clay, in less than a year's time, going from potential main event player to serving zero purpose.. Over The Top Challenge.. The Miz.. WWE bringing Ric Flair back for seemingly no reason.. Ric Flair being such a financial retard that he has to keep appearing on television when there's no reason for him to do so.. Dolph Ziggler not getting the victory that he could have used.. Having to hear a song about Paul Heyman's naked body.. An overall disappointment in the show, with no "big" feel to it at all
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