So, have I missed anything in the past week? Anything? Anything at all? Nothing? Alright then. I guess I'd better move along with this column then. Hold on.. let me look at my calendar first..
*checks calendar*
Oh, it's Monday. That can only mean one thing..
10:00pm: Thank you, DVR.
10:02pm: We're getting things kicked off this week with John Cena himself. Plenty of boos for him in his new home of Tampa, Florida. It kinda makes you wonder if he gets booed when he goes to the grocery store or when he's shopping for bed sheets at Macy's.
10:04pm: Cena's back into "ass kissing" mode when it comes to the WWE Universe, telling them that they have earned the right to respond however they see fit, and he respects the fans that boo him for speaking their mind. He is so turning heel in the next few months.
10:05pm: So, Cena's just going to allow Roddy Piper to slap the taste out of his mouth last week and not respond at all, other than telling Piper he still has a helluva right hand? What kind of bitch shit is that? Go ahead and slap any grown man on the street right now. I'll bet you they won't just let you get away with it.
10:07pm: As Cena is discussing the fact that he wants the WWE Title back, he is interrupted by Alberto Del Rrrrrio, who is saying that the next WWE Title shot belongs to him.
10:09pm: ADR mentions that CM Punk cheated during their WWE Title match, and because of that, he should get another shot, but as he's talking, he gets interrupted by Vickie Guerrero, who comes out with the United States Champion, Dolph Ziggler. Say it with me, ladies and gentlemen.. it's a clusterfuck!
10:10pm: Dolph feels that he deserves the next shot at the WWE Title. Challenger after challenger. Did WWE decide to move Elimination Chamber from February back to December or something?
10:12pm: Because there weren't enough people involved in this opening segment, here comes The Miz. Let me guess.. "I'm awesome, blah blah blah, I deserve the next shot at the WWE Title, blah blah blah, I'm the next WWE Champion, blah blah blah, now look at my underbite while I make constipated faces at the camera like I always do"?
10:14pm: Hey, I'm right already. Way to go, me.
10:15pm: Ho. Ly. Fuck. Now John Laurinaitis is out, completely sucking the life right out of the building.
10:16pm: Laurinaitis books Miz, ADR and Ziggler in matches tonight. If they win their matches, they will be placed in the WWE Title match at the upcoming TLC pay-per-view. He also says he has a "social experiment" for Cena, and wants Cena to come to his office to find out who he will be facing. Miz has his match up next, and his opponent is.. Randy Orton. Interesting.
10:21pm: This crowd is really quiet. Somewhat surprising for a Randy Orton match.
10:22pm: Oh, it's just because Miz was on offense, and nobody cares about Miz after the months of booking that made him look like a piece of trash. As soon as Orton goes on offense, the crowd wakes up.
10:23pm: Wade Bar-ruh comes out, and he's immediately causing a distraction. Orton chases him off, but gets counted out in the process. Miz wins by countout. That's how they're putting someone in a WWE Title match?!? By a fucking countout?!? Are they going to build Miz up or not? This shit is ridiculous.
10:26pm: A WWE Network commercial with wack ass Skrillex and this garbage that he calls "music" playing in the background. That isn't exactly making people want the network, WWE. You're actually driving people away with this shit. As a huge wrestling nerd, I will say this much.. Time Warner Cable, if you know what's best for you, you'll add the WWE Network to your programming so I can check it out.
10:28pm: LMAO @ John Cena showing up in Laurinaitis' office rocking a pair of Zack Ryder's shades, as well as a Ryder headband and one of those Ryder wigs that WWE sells.
10:29pm: Laurinaitis books Cena VS Ryder tonight. If Ryder wins, he gets a United States Title shot. If Cena wins, he'll be entered in the WWE Title match at TLC. Alright, now that is interesting. I love it.
10:30pm: OH. MY. GOD. Triple H VS Kevin Nash in a Ladder Match at TLC, with a sledgehammer hanging above the ring. The company gives zero fucks about any of our well-being, clearly. Nobody wants to sit through that shit. One of them is going to die during that match. I can just see it now.
10:32pm: Ricardo Sandusky is in the ring, which means it's time for ADR's "qualifying match". His opponent? Daniel Bryan, who has taped-up ribs, selling his injuries from the Cage Match he was in on Smackdown this past week.
10:36pm: ADR wins. That was quick. Michael "Matt Smith" Cole continues to be a worthless cumstain on the cheek of life, spending the entire match yelling and screaming about Daniel Bryan instead of actually calling the match. ADR moves on to TLC. So far, it's CM Punk VS ADR VS The Miz, with John Cena and Dolph Ziggler possibly being added to the match.
10:38pm: Oh, joy.. Divas action is up next. Kelly Kelly and Eve are out, and are being accompanied to the ring by Alicia Fox. Let me guess.. their opponents are Beth Phoenix and Natalya?
10:39pm: I was right. Whaddayaknow?!?
10:39pm: A Divas Of Doom video package airs, but is interrupted by the newest cryptic video for whatever will be taking place on the January 2nd episode of Raw. That was pretty funny, actually. Cole and Lawler ignore it completely, just like they always do whenever the YouTube link is flashed over the Twitter trending bar nonsense.
10:41pm: Beth Phoenix and/or Natalya dominate the match. Kelly Kelly or Eve get a sneaky roll-up victory. Same fucking match we've been watching for months, showing how dumb the Raw Creative Team is. SIGN SOME NEW FUCKING DIVAS IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE ONES YOU CURRENTLY HAVE ON THE ROSTER!!!!! IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE, YOU DUMB FUCKING SONS OF BITCHES!!!!!
10:43pm: This is what I came back for. *sigh*
10:43pm: It's time for Cena VS Ryder. There are several different ways this one could go in. Should be interesting.
10:46pm: Every time I see Tie-Dye Guy's retarded self sitting at shows, it makes me want to punch a few IQ points into him. Yes, I just talked about punching a mentally handicapped person in the face. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it?!?
10:48pm: They cut to Dolph and Vickie watching the match on a TV backstage, and Vickie is less than a foot away from the TV, and standing off to the side, looking like a legally blind idiot who doesn't quite understand where the TV is. Why do they always position these people in such a way backstage, making them all look dumb?
10:49pm: Tie-Dye Guy, sit your stupid ass down and take off your fucking yellow shades. Fuck a tool, you look like the entire toolshed.
10:50pm: Interesting response from the crowd, noticeably booing Ryder as he set up to give Cena a Rough Ryder.
10:52pm: Ryder finally gets to go for the Rough Ryder, but Cena catches him in mid-air and hits him with an Attitude Adjustment for the win. Then we get some more interesting things after the match, as Ryder pushes Cena away after Cena tries to help him up. Ryder's upset that he lost his shot at the US Title, but Cena tells him to hold on a moment, and then runs to the back. Alright then.
10:55pm: Cena barges into Laurinaitis' office, and he says Ryder deserves a shot at the United States Title. Laurinaitis agrees to give Ryder another chance to earn a title shot, but only on one condition.. Cena has to give up his shot at the WWE Title at TLC and remove himself from the match. After thinking about it for a minute, Cena agrees. Wow. He's really trying to sell Ryder as a big deal. That's quite the rub that Ryder is getting.
10:59pm: Another "KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE Resurrected" vignette, this time actually showing him put on his old mask. That's just awesome. People are going to mark the fuck out if he actually returns with his old mask on. I'll be one of those people.
11:00pm: Time for Ryder's next match. If he wins, he gets a shot at Dolph Ziggler, and the match just so happens to be No Countout and No Disqualification. Well, that's pretty much setting things up, isn't it?
11:01pm: Mark Henry is out as Ryder's opponent. Uh-oh.
11:01pm: LMFAO @ the camera cutting to a random white guy in the crowd trying to clap and bob his head along with Henry's entrance music, but failing miserably at it and being off-key like a mug. That was the highlight of the show so far.
11:02pm: Mizark isn't really limping that much, but his ankle is still wrapped up. Let's see if that comes into play.
11:04pm: John Cena is out and he gives Henry an Attitude Adjustment, then drags Ryder over for the pin. Ryder wins and has just pinned the World Champion. Ryder now gets a United States Title shot. Interesting to see them sacrifice Mark Henry like that to help Ryder's booking, though. Henry's booking has been strange, to say the least, after that initial several weeks of amazing booking.
11:08pm: Cue the porno music.. Kevin Nash is out to compete in his first match on Raw in eight years. Please make this quick, WWE. Actually, let me choose my words better. Please make this brief, WWE. Nothing Nash can do in the ring will be "quick".
11:09pm: Santino is out to be Nash's opponent. Lawdamercy. At least this guarantees the match will be brief.
11:11pm: Zero crowd response for this.
11:11pm: A Jackknife Powerbomb ends the match, and the crowd still doesn't care. Yikes.
11:13pm: It's time for Dolph Ziggler's "qualifying match" now. Will the WWE Title match at TLC be a Triple Threat, or will it be a Fatal Four Way?
11:14pm: It's a shameful thing, Lobster Head! Too many limes! Too many limes! God, I missed that.
11:14pm: A worker that uses quite the "snug" style (Sheamus) VS perhaps the best seller in the business today (Ziggler). This could be a lot of fun.
11:19pm: Zack Ryder is out for his 84th appearance on the episode, distracting Ziggler, allowing Sheamus to Brogue Kick Ziggler's head clean into the upper deck of the arena. Sheamus wins. Ziggler does not get a WWE Title shot at TLC.
11:21pm: It's time for a contract signing. Already in the ring are The Miz and Alberto Del Rrrrrio, who have cleaned up nicely, and are dressed nicely. The Miz in a fine suit, and ADR in a piece from the Sonny Crockett Collection which is sold exclusively at JC Penney. John Laurinaitis is out now, and he brings out the WWE Champion, CM Punk, who is not wearing a suit.
11:24pm: One of the most over people in the company defending the WWE Title against two people that the WWE Universe really couldn't care less about. That has "bad idea" written all over it, WWE. I'm just saying.
11:26pm: Laurinaitis announces that the match will be a Tables, Ladders & Chairs Match, taking place at.. Tables, Ladders & Chairs. Clever. Clever, indeed.
11:28pm: Hey, it's The Miz with his stupid overacting faces and his underbite. Same fucking shit every fucking time he cuts a promo.
11:29pm: The crowd didn't care about Miz talking, and now ADR is talking, which means they care even less.
11:30pm: LMAO @ Punk saying that if ADR mentions "destiny" again, it will drive him to start drinking. That's a well-delivered line.
11:32pm: I will forever respect CM Punk for saying "brouhaha" on television.
11:33pm: ..and we have ourselves a brawl.
11:33pm: Punk puts ADR through a table with a Bulldog, and then lays Miz out with Go To Sleep, and stands tall to end the show.
#ThankYouForYourSupportReaderLand: John Cena dressed as Zack Ryder.. John Cena VS Zack Ryder was short, but fun, with a nice story to keep things moving.. KAAAAANNNNNEEEEE possibly returning with his old mask.. Zack Ryder finally getting his shot at the United States Title.. Sheamus VS Dolph Ziggler was fun while it lasted
#FuckYouMattSmithForContinuingToBeAPieceOfShitTrollHidingBehindAFakeNameAndAFakePictureLikeAFuckingBitch: The opening segment clusterfuck returned with a vengeance.. Miz being given a pay-per-view WWE Title shot because of a countout victory, after months of being booked to look like a lower-midcard performer.. The company having zero clue what to do with the Divas division.. Mark Henry's weird booking.. Triple H VS Kevin Nash in a Ladder Match being booked on a pay-per-view.. Yet another WWE Title match where the fans don't give a fuck about at least half of the people in the match
Grade: D/D+
Writer's Note: I want to thank each and every person that has contacted me this week, asking if I'll be returning to writing and checking on me to see if I'm alright. You have no idea how much that means to me. Unfortunately, the HIPE streak is over, but that's alright. 696 days is still incredibly impressive, and I loved reaching that point. For the rest of December, I'll be posting sporadically under the HIPRN (Hustle Is Posting Right Now, which was my original column series before I switched to dailies, for those unaware) banner. Once 2012 rolls around, though, I shall once again unleash hell, and the HIPE Train will be back on track. I just wanted to give that update to those of you that don't follow me on Twitter or are friends with me on Facebook. Thank you again.
