Hustle Is Posting Right Now - #LOLWCW, Part Deux (A Re-Post)
Nov 10, 2013 - 9:42:53 AM
You rock, Maricel.
"We sit back and laugh.."
"WCW claimed that Three Count's album (which didn't actually exist) had gone platinum. Evan Karagias claimed their second album would be even bigger and would go gold."
For those of you not hip to the music scene, when an album goes gold, that means it has sold 500,000 copies (in this country, anyway, as other countries can feature different numbers). When an album goes platinum, it has sold 1,000,000 copies. You don't need to be a math whiz to realize that 1,000,000 is a larger number than 500,000 is, which means Karagias' claim of the group's second album being "bigger" looks funny. Get it? Cause he's not smart? Just another example of the lack of communication in the company. They probably told Karagias to go out and say something without telling him what was going to be said on commentary, which would make him look like a complete moron.
What's that? You want more examples of absolute and utter miscommunication between WCW employees? Will do..
"Russo's second show in charge featured Bret Hart running in on a Juventud Guerrera/Psychosis match. Neither were told Bret was running in, and to this day, nobody knows why he ran in."
"WCW booked Billy Kidman and Dean Malenko in a 'catch-as-catch-can' match. One of the rules of the match was that anyone who left the ring would lose. After a sequence of moves, Malenko instinctively rolled to the outside, ending the match. As the bell rang, Malenko was dumbfounded."
"During a match, a fan dressed as Sting hopped the guardrail and ran into the ring. The commentators, used to not being told about changes, assumed it was the real Sting."
"The October 5th edition of Nitro was heavily advertised as having a special start time of 8:35pm. The show actually began at 8pm, meaning that most of the country missed out on the first 35 minutes of the show."
"Scott Hall was scheduled for a live phone interview on-air but never answered his phone."
"In June 2000, the company spent an extraordinary amount of money for a newspaper ad to promote the upcoming episode of Nitro in that city. The ad didn't appear in the paper until Thursday, three days after Nitro had already aired."
"In a match that was referred to as non-title by both the commentators and the ring announcer, Goldberg defeated Sting and was given the World Title afterwards."
It's little things like that which really show you that everything is important when it comes to running a company, whether it's a billion-dollar operation or a lawn mowing service that is run from your garage. For the life of me, I'll never understand how a company can have people like that working for them.. with all of those employees, nobody was smart enough to figure out that the special start time you've been advertising for Nitro was wrong? With all of those employees, nobody was smart enough to figure out a way to really explain the rules of a gimmick match to Dean Malenko before he went to the ring for the match? With all of those employees, nobody was smart enough to figure out a way to make sure a newspaper ad could be placed in time to actually promote the show the ad was mentioning? With all of those employees, nobody was smart enough to make sure Scott Hall got on the phone and then put him live on the air? These aren't exactly decisions and moves that only the most educated and qualified people can pull off. Even an elementary school student can make sure these types of things happen if you ask them to do so (and perhaps bribe them with some candy, Clarissa Explains It All stickers or whatever the devil it is kids these days enjoy). Imagine how much money WCW would have saved on a yearly basis by hiring those elementary school students instead of the rocket scientists they apparently employed through the years.
"WCW spent weeks hyping the debut of The Machine. He wrestled DDP, lost, and was never seen again."
Of course, this type of stupidity isn't a WCW-only thing. GTV, anyone?
"Booker T and Big T (Ahmed Johnson) feuded over who owned the rights to the letter 'T'."
I can't make this shit up, ladies and gentlemen. I really can't. They actually feuded over the rights to the letter "T". God forbid both of them walk around with the letter "T" at the ends of their names. This goes right up there with a Japanese shampoo commercial as one of the dumbest things two wrestlers have feuded over in the history of the business, and there have been a lot of dumb things, so that's really saying something.
"Chris Jericho's action figures were set so that, when they were bought, the receipt would say either "Sting" or "Hogan". Those two subsequently got the revenue money for the action figure sales."
WCW, you clever fucks.
"Despite an amazing amount of mask sales, Eric Bischoff claimed Rey Mysterio Jr would be a bigger draw without his mask. After unmasking Mysterio, the company then proceeded to do nothing with him."
It almost makes you wonder if Bischoff knew what Mysterio looked like under the mask and only found out when the rest of us did, after Mysterio was unmasked on television. He saw him, realized that Rey looked like a little kid on steroids and immediately gave up on his plans of world domination.
"WCW paid James Brown $25,000 to show up and dance for two minutes at SuperBrawl without advertising his appearance at all. He was paid such a high amount because they felt he could draw viewers. Again, his appearance on the pay-per-view was unannounced and unadvertised."
For any of you rich bastards out there, I want you to do something for me. Round up $25,000 in cash right now. Take that cash, and put it all in the toilet. Gaze at the money, floating in the bowl and getting soaked, and then flush it away, waving at it as it departs your line of sight. That's pretty much what WCW did here, only they did it in a much more public setting than you'll be doing it, which benefits you, because nobody will able to call you a fucking idiot for making such a poor financial decision.
"Despite being the hottest commodity in pro wrestling at the time, Bret Hart's big debut with the company was as a special guest referee for a match between Eric Bischoff and Larry Zbyszko."
I talked about this on Twitter not that long ago. Of any possible way to debut Bret Hart in the company.. of any possible feud they could have placed him in, of any possible opponent they could have put him in the ring with.. they decided to make him a referee instead of a wrestler, and they decided to make him a referee for a match between a commentator and an authority figure. WWE didn't sign Goldberg and then make him a referee for his debut. They immediately placed him into a feud with The Rock. When the WWF signed Big Show, they immediately placed him into a feud with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. It's just incredibly stupid to get Hart's WCW career kicked off in such a manner. Is there any surprise that the rest of his time with WCW was just about worthless, and is something Bret continues to regret to this day?
"Chris Jericho did a match entrance mocking Goldberg's famous ring entrance. In it, he was to try and open a door, only to discover it was locked. When Chris turned the door handle, the door opened and he had to scramble to close it quickly, pretending it was locked, even though he was on live television and everyone just saw the door open."
WCW was so cursed at the time that even world-class talent like Chris Jericho had their share of boneheaded moments, and this was at the top of the list for him. I remember watching this live, and it was one of those moments that just made you cringe because of how embarrassing it was. I tend to get those moments when I hear someone sing that has no idea how bad they are at it. You just hear those first few notes and want to crawl into a hole so that you don't have to hear any more of it. Jericho probably wanted to crawl into that same hole when the door opened up. I wouldn't have blamed him one bit if he felt that way. Not one bit.
"In 1999, Hogan cut a promo in which he said that 'young guys' like Lex Luger needed to give up because they would never become big stars. Luger was 41 years old at the time of the promo."
Sure, Hogan was 46 at the time, so Luger was younger than he was, but come on, Hulk.. "young guys"? Really? 41 years old isn't a "young guy" in the world of wrestling. It never has been, and it never will be. You weren't a spry youngster when you signed with WCW in 1994 at 41 years old, so what the hell would make you think Luger was in 1999 when you made that remark? Think before you speak, Hulk.
"Hulk Hogan claimed on TV that nobody in the industry under the age of 40 could draw. This was in the middle of the Austin Era in the WWF, which Austin became the biggest draw in wrestling history while being in his mid-30s. WCW's biggest draw at the time was Goldberg, who was also in his 30s."
"The Wall is one of the only men in WCW history to kick out of Hogan's leg drop finisher."
Think about all of the names that Hulk Hogan has faced during his time in WCW, both as the red and yellow version and the "Hollywood" version. Think about the all-time greats, the World Champions, the monsters, the superstars and the up-and-comers. WCW decided it would be a good idea for The Wall to kick out of Hogan's finisher. I'm all for trying to build new stars every now and then. That's a great idea. Having someone kick out of Hulk Fucking Hogan's finisher is a way to build them up as something major.. and they used that on The Wall? The man who didn't accomplish much of anything in his career to that point and didn't really accomplish much of anything in his career after that point (up until his untimely death in 2003, at the age of 35). What a waste. That's something that really could have sent someone into orbit as a new superstar. Imagine John Cena hitting Trent Barretta with an Attitude Adjustment, and then Barretta kicks out, shocking the entire wrestling world. Then imagine Cena going on to continue being one of the biggest names in wrestling history, and Barretta going back to being used on Superstars and Superstars alone, wasting the entire "kicking out of someone's finisher" thing.
"Sid was told that he needed to add an element of high-risk to his offense in order to get over. In his very next match, he jumped off the middle rope and snapped his leg in two."
Sid had been wrestling for about 14 years when he suffered his fractured tibia and fibula on live pay-per-view. He had won four World Titles (as well as plenty of titles on the territorial level) to this point. Therefore, he wasn't some new punk in the business. On top of that, he was always over, no matter where he was, or what side of the face/heel divide he happened to be on. Why, after all that time, did the company decide that a 6'9", 300-pound monster of a man needed to be jumping off of the turnbuckles to change things up? Even if he didn't end up making the eyeballs of thousands bleed after they witnessed his leg snapping in half, it was a piss-poor decision. The fact that he did suffer the injury only makes things 100 times worse, and pretty much show the overall luck that WCW had in those days.
"One of Vince Russo's storylines was that Bret Hart would run Sid over with a monster truck. At the very next show, Sid showed up unharmed."
Had he jumped off of the middle rope, though, I'll bet he would have sold the monster truck attack.
"Goldberg was arrested for assaulting Miss Elizabeth after being set up. He was supposed to be in the show's main event, and was arrested at the beginning of the show. After being released, the rest of the show was dedicated to wondering whether or not he'd make it back to the arena in time to compete. Problem is, earlier in the show it was revealed that the police station Goldberg was taken to was across the street from the arena."
Did he get run over while trying to cross the street? Did he tear his ACL and have to crawl the rest of the way? Did he get lost? How was he not able to make it across the street in all that time? I remember that episode, and he had plenty of time to make it, if that's the total distance he had to travel. You could even say that this should have gone with the earlier "miscommunications", because there should have been someone on WCW's production team that realized the distance between the arena and the police station was already revealed on the show, and that not everyone watching at home is completely moronic and can put two and two together to make four. This made Goldberg look so dumb.
"After receiving a blood bath from the ceiling on Nitro, Sting showed up to Thunder still covered in blood."
No wonder Sting was able to beat up the nWo all by himself. When you go several days at a time without showering and/or changing your clothes, guys like Hulk Hogan, Scott Hall, Big Bubba, Buff Bagwell, etc were simply trying to get away from him and his funk. After all these years, it's finally starting to make sense. I take back some of the bad things I said about you, WCW. Wait a minute.. no, I don't.
"The company offered to pay for singing lessons for Tank Abbott during his storyline as a groupie-like character for Three Count."
While I'll admit that Tank's character at the time was funny, this is one of those ideas that you come up with in a private creative meeting, chuckle about how funny it would be, but eventually realize it would never work and just move on to another idea. WCW came up with it in a private creative meeting, chuckled about how funny it would be, and then actually tried to pitch the idea to Tank. Even though he was repeatedly punched and kicked in the skull for years in his "day job", he was still smart enough to realize that it would be taking things too far. While he was never a great technical fighter, he was still a bad, bad dude when he stepped foot in a cage, and having him on television every week, singing up a storm with Three Count would be taking things just a bit too far. To be perfectly honest, this one isn't even all that bad, and probably could have been left out of the column. Ah, well.. too late.
"The WCW World Title changed hands 13 times during the first six months of 2000, including a stretch where Sid Vicious won it, was stripped of the title the next day, and the title was awarded to Kevin Nash, only for Nash to drop it back to Vicious later that night. There was also a stretch where Ric Flair defeated Jeff Jarrett for the title, only to be stripped of the title the following week, and the belt was awarded back to Jarrett. The following night, Kevin Nash defeated Jarrett to win the title, only to award the title to Flair the following week because Flair had never lost it in the first place. Flair lost the title to Jarrett the same night."
Did anyone's head explode? My head exploded four times just typing all of that out. I can only imagine what you folks are going through having to read it. I've made it very clear, on numerous occasions, that I can't stand when titles get passed around like cheap sluts, and we continue to see WWE and TNA doing it a lot, but that.. holy shit.. that's taking it to another level, and then taking that to another level. Sid Vicious to Kevin Nash to Sid Vicious in the span of 24 hours? Jeff Jarrett to Ric Flair to Jeff Jarrett to Kevin Nash to Ric Flair to Jeff Jarrett in just over a week? Are monkeys writing this shit? Can you imagine how many title reigns people like John Cena, Edge, or Randy Orton would have today if WWE booked things in that manner? Not only would all three of them have passed Ric Flair's title reign record, but they would have destroyed the mark, and guys like Triple H and Batista probably would have beaten the mark, as well. Hell, throw in The Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett as names that would have passed Flair by now. Think about Ric Flair as having the 17th most World Title reigns in history. Think about how dumb that is. Now think of someone like The Miz being a nine-time World Champion at this point in his career. Think of Alberto Del Rrrrrio being a six-time World Champion at this point in his career. All of these younger/newer talents going on to eventually pass Flair's mark, too. Insanity. Sheer insanity.
"In a conversation on commentary, Luger asked Stevie Ray if their conversation was going to stay between the two of them. Stevie responded that it would remain between them 'and 5,000 viewers'. Schiavone, in a panic, tried to cover for Stevie by saying that it was 5,000 viewers in each house."
I know, for a fact, that some people just aren't born with the ability to think on the fly, or to ad-lib at all. Tony Schiavone is apparently one of those people. In what part of his brain did that come from?!? 5,000 viewers in each house were watching the show? Really, Tony? This isn't the Philippines. This isn't Mexico. We don't cram dozens and dozens of people into a single home here. In my head, I picture anyone within earshot of Schiavone just staring at him, mouth open, when he said that line. Well, everyone except for Stevie Ray. It was pretty clear that he wasn't ever paying attention to anything going on, so he probably didn't even notice Schiavone saying what he said. It just has to go down in history as one of the worst ad-libbed lines in television history. In history, period, actually. Just a level of ridiculous hyperbole that only a company like WCW could give us.
"During an episode of Nitro that was nothing more than a taped 'best of' event, Tony Schiavone said, on-air, that the show was a reminder of 'how good Nitro used to be'."
This one could go along with Schiavone not being able to think on the fly, but this wasn't a live episode of Nitro. It was taped, and he still said something that completely buried the entire company in a single swoop.. and it wasn't edited out before the show aired!!! Welcome to WCW, where the big boys play, and where even we admit you should probably be watching something else! Brilliant!
"Even though Warrior hit them all with nerve gas, none of them sold it. When Sting hit the scene to clean house, Warrior could be seen on the floor, completely blown up from doing absolutely nothing."
Certainly worth that huge-money contract that WCW signed him to, I'd say. Getting blown up from doing nothing at all. Spectacular.
Well, that wraps up the trip down memory lane.. looking at a trip down memory lane. Close to 9,000 words on WCW and how badly they handled things at various points. Now that I'm done with this, I can get to work on the #LOLTNA column that may or may not turn into a series, going year-by-year in TNA's existence. You should be seeing a lot more of me, at least in the next few months, as I have a lot of things planned. Things that will take a lot of time and preparation from me. We shall see.
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