Hustle Is Posting Right Now - Raw Running Diary (4/22/13)
Apr 23, 2013 - 5:26:35 AM
"I'm kinda disappointed.."
7:58pm: Well, after a weak crowd last week, Raw comes to us from London this week, so.. I'm pretty sure those problems will be solved this time around. I'm also guessing we'll get those same problems again next week in Columbus, Ohio, but that's a different story for a different Running Diary.
8:03pm: We start the show with an immediate close up of Paul Heyman's face, which isn't a very pretty sight.
8:04pm: Awesome. We get to watch video of Brock Lesnar handing the asses of Heath Slater, Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre to them as if they were trays of Jimmy John's sammiches.
8:06pm: Heyman says that Triple H isn't in the building tonight, but that Trips did send him an e-mail response to the challenge for a Cage Match at Extreme Rules. Heyman reads the e-mail, and says Triple H will be answering the challenge next week. Heyman says Triple H has let him down, but as he's speaking, Triple H's music hits, and Heyman sells it as if he has the Hershey's squirts in his Fruit Of The Looms.
8:10pm: Trips reveals that he did e-mail Heyman, but that he lied. He says that he accepts the challenge, and then lays Heyman out with a Pedigree. Well, that's not a real manly thing to do, is it? Heyman isn't exactly a threat.
8:11pm: That was it? That was the entire segment? That's the problem with Lesnar having such a limited schedule, I guess.
8:17pm: R-Truth makes his way to the ring for tonight's first match, and we get to see Michael Cole acting a plum fool dancing at the announce table as Truth raps.
8:18pm: Antonio Cesaro is his opponent, and this, of course, leads to some more awful yodeling from the former United States Champion. Yikes.
8:20pm: The Londoners bust out the soccer chants. Hooray.
8:21pm: Truth wins. That was fast. You know what that means! *ahem* Thank you for playing our game, Antonio. We have a lovely parting gift waiting for you backstage. Enjoy the Perfect Pancake. If you're tired of pancakes that never seem to turn out right, then you need the Perfect Pancake pancake maker. Just pour in the batter, close the always-cool handle, and flip for four perfect, fluffy pancakes! The easy flip, non-stick way to flip, cook, and serve is also great for cooking eggs, crepes and more. Perfect Pancake.. picture perfect pancakes every time!
8:21pm: We cut to a shot from outside the arena, and a helicopter is landing. The Four Horsemen are here! Oh.. wait.. it's The Shield. Quite the arena entrance.
8:22pm: Tons Of Funk and The Funkadactyls make their way to the ring for our next match, and I have yet to figure out just how Naomi keeps all that ass in those little shorts.
8:27pm: Back from break, Rhodes Scholars make their way to the ring to continue the feud that will not end. Cameras catch a man in the crowd that is supposed to be dressed as Damien Sandow, but instead, he looks like he shaved his pubic hair this morning and pasted it on his face before throwing on a raggedy bath robe. Not a good look, random Londoner.
8:29pm: It's Brodus VS Sandow in singles action, which means we're probably going to get Sweet T VS Cody later in the show.
8:31pm: No, seriously.. how does Naomi keep all that ass in her shorts?!? It's like two hams (Hi, Al) in there.
8:31pm: Sandow defeats a man who outweighs him by damn near 150 pounds with a roll-up. WHAT AN IMPRESSIVE FEAT OF STRENGTH THAT WAS! You can't see it, but I'm shaking my head right now. Looking at my trusty stopwatch, the match lasted just longer than the required time for parting gifts, so I must apologize to Brodus Clay, who will be going home empty handed.
8:34pm: Dolph Ziggler is shown telling his World Title that it's beautiful, followed by AJ Lee walking in and calling him "Zigglypuff", which will probably set the Pokemon nerds on fire.
8:35pm: As Dolph and AJ kiss, AJ notices Big E Langston standing off to the side. The camera zooms to him, and he's staring at the World Title until Dolph calls his name. Foreshadowing? With the way they're building Big E up, it wouldn't surprise me at all if he eventually decides that he wants the World Title more than he wants to be Dolph and AJ's gigantic-and-yet-small Warrick Dunn lookalike errand boy.
8:36pm: Vickie Guerrero and Brad Maddox interrupt everything so that Vickie can inform Dolph that he'll be facing Chris Jericho tonight. She says that Jericho will be added to the World Title match at Extreme Rules if he wins, turning the Triple Threat into a Fatal Four Way. Lazy, lazy, lazy.
8:42pm: The Shield have another one of their backstage, handheld camera promos. Dean Ambrose says that The Undertaker has been dishing out his own brand of justice for over 20 years, but nobody knows who granted him that kind of power. He says that The Shield is now "the law", and that Taker will learn what justice tastes like tonight. Eww. I hope that wasn't some veiled reference to mouth sex.
8:44pm: Chris Jericho gets a very nice crowd pop, and he makes his way to the ring for his match with Dolph Ziggler. Outside of the random soccer chant during the Truth VS Cesaro match, this was the first real sign of a lively crowd tonight.
8:49pm: During the entrance for Zig E, Big E & Slut E, Dolph turns to kiss AJ and then turned towards Big E, and I got worried for a moment that we were going to take things into a new territory.
8:51pm: A nice (albeit brief) dueling chant of "Let's go, Ziggler" and "Y-2-J" breaks out.
8:56pm: This crowd is pretty quiet. It's quite the disappointment to this point, based on the high expectations I had.
8:59pm: Jericho has been caught calling spots twice so far in this match, but I'm guessing the IWC will let that slide, continuing to pick and choose who they shit on for doing so.
9:02pm: A sloppy sequence there, with multiple called spots, followed by what appeared to be miscommunication on an Irish Whip, followed by a near botch on a takedown in the corner. Thus far, this match hasn't really gotten out of first gear.
9:03pm: Proof that the match hasn't been fantastic thus far? The crowd has now started doing the wave.
9:05pm: A "we are awesome" chant breaks out. You folks haven't even come close to showing that you're awesome yet. Save it for when you actually do something impressive.
9:06pm: Jericho locks the Walls Of Jericho in, but Fandango's music hits, distracting Jericho. A ZigZag later, and Dolph picks up the win. No Fandango. The match wasn't bad, but it was a disappointment considering what these two are capable of and have delivered on in the past.
9:09pm: Mick Foley, with his "1990s white, suburban mom" haircut, looking like he's going to go pop some tags with only $20 in his pocket, is interviewed backstage by Josh Mathews. The entire point of the promo was that Foley thinks Ryback has the potential to be one of the best of all-time, but that he needs to stop blaming others for his problems if he is to ever reach that potential. Alright.
9:15pm: Hey, it's Sweet T VS Cody Rhodes! I'M A GENIUS!
9:19pm: Sweet T's rolling senton to a seated opponent in the corner is going to kill someone one of these days. My goodness.
9:20pm: Sweet T gets the win, evening the results here, and meaning the feud will only continue on some more. Disappointing.
9:21pm: Daniel Bryan and Kane discuss their six-man tag match. Bryan tells Kane to call The Undertaker because Taker isn't at the building yet, but Kane deadpans that Taker isn't exactly the type to carry a cell phone. Well, I guess I won't be giving him an iPhone case for Christmas.
9:22pm: As they're talking, Bryan and Kane are attacked by an unseen person, and down goes the cameraman. From the angle we see, you can only see the attackers from their knees down, and it appears to be The Shield.
9:30pm: Ryback gets a backstage interview, and I've figured out why I really think he should be booked to talk less. His speaking cadence breaks every sentence down into two or three segments, and it sounds awkward. The longer he speaks, the more awkward it sounds.
9:32pm: Big E Langston has his own music, and he makes his way to the ring for our next match. He claps his hands together with such force that they explode, and a cloud of dust forms all around him.
9:36pm: Zack Ryder comes out to be Big E's opponent, and I'm already getting the parting gifts ready.
9:37pm: During the commercial break, Big E regenerated a pair of hands, which makes him scarier than anyone in the world of wrestling today, if you ask me.
9:38pm: Langston wins. Squash match. *ahem* Thank you for playing our game, Zack. We have a great parting gift waiting for you backstage. Please enjoy your WaxVac ear cleaner. The WaxVac ear cleaner is the safe and effective way to clean and dry your ears. Simply attach the WaxVac silicone tip and insert in-ear, and WaxVac gently draws dirt particles and moisture out. Say "goodbye" to cotton swabs with WaxVac ear cleaner!
9:45pm: The Undertaker's entrance never gets old. I don't care what you think of his skills at this point in his career, or if you feel he should just fade away into retirement already.. that entrance is still crazy. Taker comes out to a good response from the London fans. This will be Taker's first match on Raw since May 17th, 2010, when he defeated Edge by countout in a "Pick Your Poison" match in Toronto, Canada.
9:49pm: Loud "Un-der-ta-ker" chant from the crowd.
9:49pm: The Shield's music hits, and this is now being played off as a possible handicap match after the locker room attack on Daniel Bryan and Kane earlier.
9:50pm: As The Shield attacks Taker, Kane's music hits, and here come the Tag Team Champions to even the odds, and we have ourselves a brawl breaking out, which wakes the crowd up. The faces clear the ring, and we head to commercial break, and Michael Cole says the match will begin after the break.
9:55pm: The crowd has woken up for this one, going wild for Bryan's offense. I've said it before, and I'll say it again.. take note of the crowd pops he gets, WWE.
9:56pm: Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns are in a match with The Undertaker. That has to continue blowing their minds. In their brief time on the main roster, they've done so many things that even they probably never thought they'd do, even in their wildest dreams.
9:57pm: A loud "you still got it" chant for Taker as he tags out of the match. Even some of Taker's biggest haters probably feel that way after watching WrestleMania.
9:59pm: It amazes me to see how well The Shield work together in the ring. They work like they've been teaming up for their entire careers. Kudos to WWE for choosing these three to put together, and kudos to the three for making the most out of it.
10:02pm: The crowd is on fire with their "yes" chants for Bryan.
10:03pm: Bryan hits Rollins with a suicide dive to the outside, and Rollins pinball bumps himself right off of the guardrail. Say what you want about Rollins, but that guy isn't afraid to bump his ass off. A match between him and Dolph Ziggler might be too much for the world to take.
10:08pm: Rollins taunts Taker, who is standing on the apron, and Taker shows a lot of fire by pacing back and forth, telling Rollins to let him tag into the match. That was a nice little touch. Makes it look like Taker isn't just going through the motions.
10:10pm: Taker gets the hot tag, and he's cleaning house.
10:11pm: Taker goes for a double chokeslam on Rollins and Ambrose, but Reigns lays him out with a Spear for a near fall.
10:13pm: Bryan misses the headbutt from the top rope, and gets rolled up by Ambrose for the three count. The Shield is still undefeated and now have defeated opponents with a combined 51 World Title reigns during their time together. That is one of the craziest stats in a long, long time. Very fun match, with the crowd finally reacting to things.
10:20pm: Mick Foley is talking to John Cena backstage, and Cena says that he knows what Ryback is capable of, so he doesn't know if it's a good idea for Foley to meet up with Ryback in the ring to have a "talk". Foley wants Cena to respect his decision, and Cena agrees, but only after he gives Foley a steel chair to bring to the ring with him.
10:22pm: Fandango's music hits again, and this time, the man actually comes out, complete with a new dancer. The dancer appears to be Summer Rae from NXT, but I'm not 100% sure. The crowd must still be on a high from the six-man tag match, because they're a lot more animated for this than they were when the man's music hit earlier in the show, even before he actually walked out.
10:22pm: For a man with a dancer gimmick, Johnny Curtis is a bad dancer. He's a good prancer, though. I'm just saying.
10:28pm: William Regal! Regal is Fandango's opponent, which isn't going to end well for me, but it's great to see him on Raw again. Nice crowd reaction for the man in his home country.
10:30pm: lol @ Regal busting out a dance of his own before the match starts.
10:31pm: Fandango wins. Boo. Mr Regal, I hate that it had to be you, but.. thank you for playing our game. We have a nice parting gift waiting for you backstage. Enjoy your GripGo universal car phone mount. GripGo instantly grips any style of phone or GPS and mounts it to your car's dash or windshield without any tools or adhesives. Talk and drive safely with GripGo!
10:32pm: As Fandango celebrates his win at the top of the ramp, he is attacked by Chris Jericho, who gets a pop from the crowd. You know, because he is actually over, and not just his entrance music. He throws Fandango off the stage, and then dances with Summer Rae to Fandango's music as Fandango (I'm expecting him to suddenly appear in my house now that I've said his name three times like that, a la Beetlejuice or Candyman) reaches out like he was dying.
10:38pm: Divas Champion Kaitlyn is at ringside for our next match, which is a Divas Battle Royal to determine the next #1 contender for her title. Tamina, Layla, Aksana, Naomi and AJ are the competitors here. A five-person Battle Royal. Really, WWE?
10:41pm: Layla and AJ are the final two, but AJ has been on the mat for the entire match after being kicked in the face by Tamina.
10:42pm: Layla is struggling to carry AJ's dead weight to the ropes, but AJ was playing possum, slipping out of Layla's grasp and kicking Layla in the stomach to eliminate her. AJ is the new #1 contender for the Divas Title, and it's about time. I do have to say.. Kaitlyn looked amazing tonight. Just throwing that out there.
10:48pm: It's time for Mick Foley to confront Ryback, which means that, technically, a Divas match main evented Raw once again.
10:54pm: After a recap of Ryback allowing The Shield to attack John Cena, Foley wants to know what happened to the man who showed no fear.
10:55pm: Ryback continues to turn each sentence into several fractured sentences, and I'm losing more and more faith in his promos with every time he opens his mouth. His words are just fine, but his delivery just isn't working. He needs to be a monster, destroying people. As a great philosopher once said.. real G's move in silence like lasagna.
10:57pm: "Shut up.. Foley! God.. just.. shut up!" He's still doing it.
10:57pm: Ryback says "Super Cena" to near silence from the crowd. Ouch. That's a nickname that is supposed to draw a reaction.
10:58pm: With his pacing and aggressive speaking style, Ryback is on the verge of getting gassed from cutting a brief promo.
11:00pm: As things get heated, John Cena's music hits, and the WWE Champion runs to the ring to prevent a fight. As Cena and Ryback are about to square off, The Shield's music hits, and they return to the ring. Cena smirks at Ryback and exits the ring, making a lot of people think they were on the verge of watching a heel turn, I'm sure, but let's be real, folks.. if WWE was going to turn Cena heel, do you really think they'd do it on an episode of Raw that was tape delayed?
11:02pm: Cena leaves the ring, and The Shield surround Ryback, who initiates the fight. It's a three-on-one attack until Cena runs back into the ring with the chair he gave to Foley and clears the ring.
11:03pm: Cena has dented the chair. Wow. Cena and Ryback face off in the ring, and Cena hits him with an Attitude Adjustment. The story seemingly being Cena showing Ryback that he can make the save when he wants to. We go off the air with Cena celebrating on the stage as Ryback seethes in the ring.
#ThankYouGoldenGirlsForStillBeingFunnyAfterAllTheseYears: The Shield's helicopter-into-Range Rover arrival to London.. Possible foreshadowing with Big E Langston focusing more on the World Title than on Dolph Ziggler.. Chris Jericho VS Dolph Ziggler, but just barely.. The Undertaker, Kane & Daniel Bryan VS The Shield.. The Shield's teamwork.. The Shield's in-ring fluidity.. The Shield's booking.. Seth Rollins' bumping.. William Regal on Raw, albeit in a brief jobbing role.. AJ Lee finally getting a Divas Title shot on WWE television (not counting her recent shot on NXT recently)
#FuckYouForJudgingMeBecauseIStillWatchTheGoldenGirls: Antonio Cesaro's booking.. Tons Of Funk VS Rhodes Scholars running in place with nowhere to go.. Mick Foley's haircut.. Ryback continuing to speak, even with his "impediment".. The London crowd being a huge disappointment overall, outside of being excited for maybe 30-ish minutes.. Recycling the same chants and fan interaction as the night after WrestleMania made the crowd seem cheap, not all that creative and desperate to get themselves over
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