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Posted in: The Green Room
The Green Room: John Cena Is A Virus
By Leaf
Jul 31, 2014 - 5:14:14 PM

The Green Room:
John Cena Is A Virus

Greetings LordsOfPainers,

Just like John Cena was almost two weeks ago, I was absent last week. This absence may not have been too noticeable thanks to the array of talented writers on this site, and that's not too dissimilar to Cena's week off either!

In John Cena's case, when he returned to RAW last week, it really did feel like he hadn't been away. I don't mean that in the sense that the Champ was fantastic on Monday, to me it felt like his absence the previous week wasn't too noticeable.

It could have been for a variety of reasons. We were geared towards the other side of the championship spectrum as the night revolved around the reveal of the champion's next opponent. Storylines continued as normal as The Billion Dollar Princess became The Billion Dollar Prisoner. Furthermore, Dean Ambrose and Cesaro put forth a more-than-solid television match.

After a while, it hit me.

Even when John Cena is absent, he is still there.

No I'm not talking about mentions on commentary, numerous replays, nor social media plugs. The things that people associate with John Cena- his occasional forced comedy promo, his never-ending championship dreams and his bright t-shirts, they were still on show that night.

John Cena was alive.

The Champ was here, living inside other superstars.

Yes, the more I thought about it, everything that makes John Cena who he is was, and recently has been, utilised by other superstars. Coincidentally, the superstars that exhibited these particular qualities were none other than the stars who Cena had tagged with quite recently.

Not satisfied with simply conquering the WWE totem pole, John Cena has started to take over numerous superstars.

In this edition of The Green Room, we uncover the uncomfortable truth that the WWE is infected and that some unlucky superstars have been struck down by the bug.

You may not see it yet, but John Cena is a virus.

The Symptoms

It has come to my attention that the John Cena virus is a very nasty bug indeed. Not only does the virus subject the victimised superstar to a flush of colour, it also has the ability to inflict upon the victim a dangerous split personality disorder. Lastly, and perhaps most crucially, you are most at risk if you are a Samoan gentleman. With that being said, here are the following reported effects of this fruity contagion:

Colourfulness- Whilst it would be cruel to blame a change in palette on the John Cena virus alone, a significant hue or saturation change to a superstar's attire after an encounter with the Cenation leader might signal an infection. Look for superstars who used to wear darkened clothing.

Corniness- If a "cool" superstar foregoes a promo style that worked for them in favour of a child-friendly script, they may have the Cena virus. For a quick diagnosis, you may be at risk if you are performing ribs on announcers or acting unnecessarily campy. Beware.

(Self)-Centeredness- At some point for the Champ, the Chain Gang became the Cenation. If you're referring to your fans with your own name, you could be infected.

Championship Obsession- And when championships mean more to you than anything, to the point that maybe you're abandoning your partners for the greater good (or gold) of your career, you are a sufferer.

Now that we’ve got ourselves a handy little checklist of horrors, lets call in our first patients from our very own wrestling waiting room.

The Usos

Throughout 2013 and early 2014, fans everywhere were just begging for an Usos tag team championship reign. They were main eventing several shows in six-man tag action, so the big question was why were they not the champs? It's simple, the tag team division was on fire at the time. With the likes of The Shield and The Rhodes Brothers, the twin brothers were excelling in a talent-crammed division.

At Battleground 2014, after surviving a hard-fought 2 Out of 3 Falls match against the Wyatt Family, the pair were subjected to some rather audible jeers. Whilst a portion of the IWC have complained about the brothers for weeks, this to me was the first real occasion when the crowd turned against them.

So what changed? Well my friends, the Usos have been infected with the Cena virus. This illness transpired during Cena's feud with Bray Wyatt. In order to counteract the Wyatt Family's attempts to interfere in the feud, John recruited the Tag Team Champions. Unfortunately for the Usos, the fruity pebbles invaded their bloodstream.

Colourfulness- The Usos abandoned their awesome black tee with their face-painted heads adorning it, instead opting for a new orange attire with an impactful font spelling out a new phrase: "USO Crazy". This huge boost in colour is one thing, though it is shockingly similar to a certain former Cena t-shirt…

*Was there an image? You'll never know*

Corniness- The Usos rarely used to be interviewed, but when they were, it was in a cool sleek backstage manner. Ever since their association with Cena, one of the brothers now has the ability to transform into Lil Jon whenever he pleases with some hamtastic reactions (that one's for you Al Laiman). Furthermore, one USO recently interviewed the other in the style of Michael Cole whilst the crowd were collectively confused. Yikes!

(Self)-Centeredness- Thankfully, the Usos aren’t calling their fans the Uso Army just yet. They ask their supporters to say “O” in response to them saying “Us/Uce”, but that is no new development. There could be some hope for them yet.

Championship Obsession- Truth be told, this was a hard symptom to diagnose as the Usos are the tag team in the WWE who are currently holding the gold. Whilst it is impossible to state that the Usos have been infected in such a way, we have recently seen them pull out some questionable tactics lately. In fact, the tactic I’m about to speak of is perhaps just as desperate and despicable as John Cena’s use of duct tape to retain his WWE Championship against Batista at Extreme Rules 2010. Don’t believe me? On the July 25th edition of Smackdown, The Usos halted the momentum of potential title contenders Rybaxel by utilising some “twin magic”. Whilst this was a non-title affair, after dispatching of the Wyatt Family, The Usos may have seen Rybaxel as the next team to threaten their championship reign. Again, this is just an early sign of the symptom, we’ll have to see how this pans out in the following weeks.

Diagnosis And Treatment With two clear symptoms and one questionable trait, the Usos are in the early stages of the Cena virus. Unfortunately, I don’t know of a cure at this moment in time. The Cena virus makes it almost impossible to turn heel, which would be a solution in itself. My advice to the brothers is to try a couple of delicious bowls of Cocoa Pebbles to combat any fruitiness.

Roman Reigns

Ahh, Roman Reigns. Why must I have to write about you so much? It seems like no matter what subject I choose to cover in a column, Roman Reigns seems to find his way in there. In some ways, that should be no surprise. It is no secret that the WWE seem to be grooming Roman Reigns to be the next face of the company. He has been protected for quite some time as the WWE has been reluctant to put him in too many singles matches, yet they seem to have found a way to keep him relevant near to the top of the card. That’s quite impressive.

As for Reigns’ fanbase, it seems that the cool, brooding, former member of the Shield seems to be well liked by crowds in any building. However, whilst the IWC is prone to complain about absolutely anything, many of the comments that Reigns has received from the internet fans have been less than favourable. Many believe that Reigns has closed the show far too many times for their liking, others point to the Samoan superstar’s “limited moveset”.

If this sounds familiar, it should. Ever since the Shield dissolved, Reigns has tagged with Cena in no less than five television matches. Strangely, he now seems to be sharing some of the same traits as the current face of the company. Now we’re getting somewhere. Well, if you ask me it’s time for you to join me once again as it makes sense to pull out the stethoscope and needles.

Colourfulness- Ever since Reigns debuted on the WWE main roster, he has portrayed a man in black. Ever since that fateful night when himself and Dean Ambrose were betrayed by a calculative Seth Rollins and a steel chair, the three men have shed their Shield image in their own individual ways. Rollins now looks like a smarmy swagtacular supervillain, Ambrose is making submissive women swoon in his wife-beater, meanwhile Reigns has added a subtle twist to his Shield attire. Yes, if you look closely enough, colour is creeping through Reigns' attire like a serum taking over a superhero. At Battleground, Reigns' attire included sleek gold stripes. It seems that ever since he partnered with the Cenation leader, the influence of the Champ has been growing. Interesting.

Corniness- Thankfully, Reigns' own promo style seems to be remaining intact at the moment. He makes his points with a quiet but cool delivery. Even when the words "baby girl" leave his mouth, somehow it works for him. And let's not forget that he started to seduce Renee Young way before the Cena interaction, when the Shield first turned face. Let's see if Reigns shows any signs of our next symptoms.

(Self)-Centeredness- If reports are to be believed, Reigns will start to call his own fans the Roman Empire soon enough. If this happens, it appears to be a carbon copy of Cena's collective branding of his fans as it's also a juxtaposition of the superstar's name and a group noun. I can however report that Reigns is indeed showing early signs of this trait as he recently told the crowd that "when Roman Reigns is in the house, you're damn right Cena sucks.". The use of the third person in that sentence is perhaps most commonly associated with a certain former top superstar who is related to not only Reigns but the Usos as well! Whilst this may be a trait of the Rock, I can't get over the fact that Reigns is truly starting to believe his own hype around the same time as his association with Cena. I'm wary of this one.

Championship Obsession- This particular symptom should help us diagnose Reigns as a sufferer. Let's think about it. When The Shield split, Reigns immediately targeted Randy Orton. You would think that Reigns would seek revenge on the man who betrayed him, Seth Rollins, but let's face it, Rollins doesn't represent what Orton does. The moment that Daniel Bryan was declared stripped of the World Heavyweight Championship, Orton was the last active wrestler to hold the gold. When initially banned from entering the WWE World Heavyweight Championship Ladder Match at Money In The Bank, Reigns went to the extreme of illegally spiking an authority figure's coffee, in the process of costing another figure her job, in order to receive that chance at gold. Reigns would even go as far as to accept a place in the Battleground Main Event from a man he had been feuding with ever since Wrestlemania, simply to potentially become champion. Now, he's teaming up alongside the Champ even to the point that he won't leave his side when his former "brother" is being brutally attacked in the back by the Authority. Just like Reigns' Battleground vest, the former Shield member is all about the gold.

Diagnosis And Treatment Reigns' addiction to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship can't seem to be stopped, at this point. Soon enough, we could well see the corniness and a true indication that Roman reigns over his own world in his mind. If we are to believe that #RomanIsRAW, then I can't help but see that he is the next John Cena as he is taking over the show. There's no saving the former Shield member. Believe that.

Branching Out

So there we have it, it’s been a long day and we’ve diagnosed three superstars with the Cena virus. That’s quite the achievement. After all, I heard from a fellow specialist in the wrestling medical field that no matter how deep we looked into the subject, we wouldn’t be able to see it. Wink wink.

As far as doctoral shifts go, that wasn’t too bad was it? You might even say that you got a laugh out of it, and if you did, I appreciate that you enjoyed my work. However, let’s not forget the seriousness of the situation at hand. Just like any virus, this infection happens to be known by several different names. Its official scientific name is “Cenus Pushus”, though in some regions it is known by slang term “Bad Booking”.

I’d like to just stop you there for a second and ask you- what is it that these men have in common? Yes, they are Samoan, but as I alluded to throughout the column, these three men share a key factor with the American John Cena. The point is, these three men are currently holding or competing for gold. It is significant that they have teamed with Cena as at some point the WWE Uncreative team may have decided that a certain wrestler was lacking the ideals that John Cena represents and that they felt that if they were near the top of a division, they should share the very same values.

For some bizarre reason, this seems to be the way that WWE likes to book a good number of their top faces at the moment. Hell, I bet we could even make an argument for another gold-holder, our pasty ginger United States Champion Sheamus if we really wanted to, though his change in booking happened quite some time ago following his face turn.

I fear for the likes of Dean Ambrose, whose radical character is a change of pace from what we seem to be experiencing elsewhere. I fear what might happen if he set his sights on a championship rather than Seth Rollins’ “tiny giraffe neck”. Maybe it was a good thing that he was took out by the Authority on the RAW before the Battleground Pay-Per-View.

The point is this my friends; next time you tune into RAW, Main Event or Smackdown, I encourage you to make your own diagnosis or two. Look for the interactions, listen out for the promos, and you will be able to see the unseen.

For we see you John Cena, talking to that next top superstar. You are the WWE’s man-made virus, their parasitic patsy if you will, and together, you’re planning the next fruity freefall.

Follow the New Age Nature Boy.


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