Taste My Freestyling: Vince Doesn't Like You
By Freeman & Skitz
Apr 24, 2014 - 6:03:21 PM
Freeman: Throughout history, there have been many names in the wrestling business who could be considered as personal favourites of Vince McMahon, billionaire owner of the entertainment juggernaut WWE and ruler of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros. Names such as John Cena, Triple H, Sheamus, Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker and many more. This column will not be about any of those people. Instead, we will be focusing on a selection of people in the wrestling business who Vince McMahon just flat out dislikes. But who are these people? What did they do to upset the Chairman of the Board? Has anyone played the new Oscar Pistorius drinking game yet? I have. Anytime someone goes to the toilet, you have four quick shots. To help me answer some of these questions, I have once again enlisted the help of LOP Main Pager Skitz. Dude, if we keep meeting like this, people are going to start talking.
SkitZ: Hey pipe down over there before I let you have it. While you were getting off introducing young impressionable women to
your penis these so-called "drinking games", I was actually compiling data and Googling every Vince McMahon-related news story. The guy's done a lot of business(es in) over the last 30+ years and naturally, VKM's crossed paths with plenty of men he didn't see potential in; whether they lacked heat, masculinity, femininity, charisma, a marketable catchphrase or an embarrassing personal crisis that could be translated into a wrestling storyline. Vinnie Mac's pretty candid when it comes to his employees and doesn't generally hold back (his opinions anyway). It doesn't matter how well-versed you are in various wrestling styles or if you connect with crowds on another level. If Vince spots a flaw, he'll point that shit out. Or just put a blue dot over it. Which brings me to our first subject...
SkitZ: We've always wondered why the Chairman continually passed on Captain Charisma in years past when the tools and crowd reaction were as apparent as Punk's superiority complex. I mean fuck a glass ceiling... Mr. McMahon let Christian break through it a bit after nearly a decade of chipping, chuckled to himself and then had drop ceilings installed the following Monday. So after an eternity of questioning Vince's motives, the IWC discovered last summer that the boss likes resting his grapefruits on Christian's chin because... he has a ratty face? Because that's a totally sane and logical reason to prevent a capable performer from main eventing... I'm sure word leaking out about McMahon referencing a rape trial from the 90's didn't help Christian's case either. Vinnie Mac doesn't want Captain Charisma anywhere near his fucking show. Either Christian has a degenerative ligament/tendon disease or the boss has opened a bounty on his head and paid off the Creative Team to play stupider. Christian should start passing out blue dots at live events and use it to create publicity. That'd get his ass on TV.
Freeman: Many cats around these parts predicted big things for John Morrison, going as far back as when he was known as Johnny Nitro and teaming with Joey Mercury. Unfortunately for Morrison, while he was tagging with Mercury, WWE's resident master of muff Batista was tagging Melina, John's girlfriend at the time. Eventually, it became public knowledge that Melina was fucking Dave, and Brian, and Mike, and Matt, and Eric, and the other Dave, and Eugene, and Stelios, wait, was that his name? Or was it Mike? Anyway, Vince expected Morrison to man up and confront Batista about his treachery. However, instead of doing that, JoMo decided he was, like, super fine with it man, and let the whole thing blow over like Melina blows money. And cocks. Once Nitro failed as a man in Vince's eyes, the WWE Chairman could never take Morrison seriously as a tough guy babyface type character who could kick your ass, meaning Morrison's dreams of becoming WWE Champion were ruined. Why the fuck they didn't just do the sensible thing and turn the guy heel again is another topic for another time, but it's fairly safe to say that Vince respects Morrison about as much as he respects Lillian Garcia's face. He'll tolerate both when they're around, but can't resist cracking jokes about how unfortunate they are.
SkitZ: The image above is quite apropos. You see Cody's a thrill seeker. An adrenaline junky. He comes from a family of outcasts and speech impediments. And with 40+ years of evidence to go on, Cody is clearly the most heterosexual Rhodes family member to work in the wrestling business. He's a solid hand in the ring, quick witted on the stick and relatively good looking. These things matter to Vince (especially the attractiveness of his male employees) but for whatever reason, Mr. McMahon keeps handing Cody a plunger and dropping the kid in bowls of shit that do nothing but clog his career. For nearly seven years, the second generation wrestler's been running in circles; up one escalator and down the other. Rhodes has proven himself on numerous occasions - from his days in Legacy to being dashing to rocking a protective mask. Hell, he even got a fucking moustache over.
And yet all these pushes ever lead to is a detox period and impromptu tag teams that go nowhere. Once again, Cody looked poised to break out last summer when management paired him with his brother. The two caught fire and tore ass like Bow Wow's old bodyguard. Here we are seven months later though and The Brotherhood have gone from blowing the doors off the tag team division to being tucked away on a lower level closet shelf. Not only did Vince pass on "brother versus brother" for a third consecutive year but he's maneuvered Coldust from being the company's hottest attraction to curtain jerking like they're goddamn interior decorators. Stop punishing Dusty's offspring, Vince! Cody can make you money no matter what ridiculous gimmick or outfit you put him in!
Macho Man Randy Savage
Freeman: It's super obvious to even the most casual wrestling fan that Vince absolutely hated Mach', right up until the day the legendary wrestler passed away. Quite how Savage managed to remain on McMahon's personal shit-list has been a mystery to many WWE fans, given the chairman's penchant for doing business with even his most bitter enemies. However, there is one rumour that has been circulating the interwebz for years that does potentially explain Vince's fury at one of his biggest superstars. Apparently, and keep in mind this is only a rumour, way back in 1990 when Stephanie McMahon was just an impressionable yet perky fourteen year old girl, Macho Man allegedly, and I can't stress allegedly enough because it's never been proven or confirmed by anyone, did something truly unforgivable in the eyes of Vince McMahon when, rumour has it, Savage, in a story largely believed across the internet, supposedly, borrowed Tito Santana's copy of Golden Axe on the Sega Mega Drive and never returned it. McMahon was apparently appalled at such a heinous act from the Macho Man, and proceeded to wash his hands of Savage and hold a grudge against him that would last until his tragic death in 2011.
SkitZ: You and I both know it - Vince detests us. Sure he adores the fans who fund his business; the parents who bring their son's entire third grade class to live events and ransack the merchandise stand in the lobby for Cena-wear. But as far as we're concerned - the keyboard jockeys - Mr. McMahon could give two fucks.
We think we have all the answers before he asks the questions. We disrupt his shows with our stupid chants. We don't shoot up the TV ratings when WWE pulls out their big guns. We demand change when the company's got truck loads sunk in ageing part-timers. We don't forget old gimmicks and storylines as quickly as we ought to. We shit on stuff before we fully digest it. We talk about his daughter like she's some dirty porn star. In fact, we attack his entire family like they were the ones who orchestrated 9/11. We root for jobbers. We jeer the pillars of his company. We're insensitive pricks. We're incapable of appreciating anything for longer than a week. We don't value his collection of "commentators". We can tweet faster than his people can script. We heckle Pat Patterson for
craving cock his sexual orientation. We refuse to accept Triple H as our personal Lord and Savior. We constantly threaten to stop watching. We acknowledge the existence of other wrestling organizations. We often create trends that weren't organically grown by WWE. We can function without his App or Network. We gossip like old birds. We can't differentiate between fiction and reality. We're cyber bullies. And we react to Divas segments like we're not interested in beautiful, half naked women. Vince isn't losing his mind... we've just spammed up his brain capacity.
Freeman: Randy Orton is one of Vince McMahon's favourite wrestlers. Dolph Ziggler is not one of Vince McMahon's favourite wrestlers. With that in mind, if you were Dolph Ziggler, don't you think it would be a great idea to diss Randy Orton in an interview and have it result in the biggest de-push of your entire career? Sounds like a plan to me, and hey, while you're at it Dolph, why don't you go ahead and make some unfavourable comments about Vince's other favourite wet dream John Cena? I'm sure you'll be back in the WWE World Heavyweight Title picture in no time at all with genius ideas like that. You see, despite Ziggler's impressive television record of 97 wins and 749,289 losses, it's clear that the former Spirit Squad member is another name to have been etched into Vince McMahon's bad books. When you consider that this time last year, Ziggles was the World Heavyweight Champion, and now he's jobbing to Wade Barrett and Ryback, you start to think that things aren't looking too good for the Ziggmeister. Although, admittedly, he's not the first name to be quickly demoted after winning a World Title in WWE...
… but I think it's safe to say he's not exactly about to embark on a Roman Reigns style push anytime soon.
SkitZ: It's bad enough he carries the last name of the most slandered figure in professional wrestling history. Then word spreads about David training to become part of the business? There are literally MILLIONS of other (less ostracizing) jobs out there floating around and Benoit chooses the one industry his late father left a dark mark on? This isn't a Harry Potter-type triumph tale unfolding before our eyes... David Benoit's gonna be treated like the fucking omen child; the black sheep of the sport (no matter how unfair the stigma around him might be). The McMahon clan can't burn every last shred of his father's legacy fast enough. And then Benoit claims in an interview that WWE still owes his family money? The dude's got balls (or the same mental condition The Crippler suffered from). I feel like VKM and David are mortal enemies and yet they've probably never even met. Unless Benoit goes on Good Morning American or something and sings a cover of Elton John's "Daniel" to give the incident a positive spin, David will be blackballed throughout the business if he tries performing in the states. He'd be wise to keep buddying up with Jericho instead and let Y2J pay his bills. Mr. McMahon's buried the hatchet with a number of his storied rivals though so perhaps peace can be reached. Then again, all of those guys ended up dead or mentally compromised...
Freeman: I enjoy Chyna's work in pornography a lot more than I enjoyed her work in professional wrestling. In fact, as it stands, Joanie Laurer is currently 317th on my list of favourite people to fap to, just ahead of Angela Lansbury in 318th place but just behind GlaDOS from Portal 2 in 316th spot. In fact, I even enjoyed her home made movie with fellow WWE allumni Sean Waltman, until she turned round and you got that view of her from behind. For those of you who haven't seen the movie and don't what I'm talking about, here's a picture of Chyna's arse:
AJ Lee eat your heart out. Now you see, while me and the four other degenerates who purchased “1 Night In Chyna” get to enjoy such a stunning piece of cinema on a regular basis, Vince McMahon cannot indulge in such a luxury. Normally, I'm sure old Vinnie Mac would be first in line at his local sex shop to pick up a DVD in which a former female employee was starring in, but unfortunately, this time, the former employee in question used to fuck his son in law once-upon-a-time, so I guess that would be kind of weird. Furthermore, Miss Laurer also has a habit of regularly suggesting that Triple H and Stephanie's relationship didn't exactly have a fairytale beginning, because if you believe the former WWE Women's Champ, the pair apparently got together behind her back. Quite how you could start a romantic relationship with Chyna's acne riddled crack staring back at you is another topic for another time, but I guess it's safe to say that for ruining Vince's masturbation habits, and his daughter's reputation, Chyna won't be getting a Christmas card from the McMahon family for a while.
SkitZ: At least it's still accessible in 2K14 (and every Triple H feud). Outside of those two sources however, WWE's done away with the blood bags during their highly-scrutinized PG movement. Whether Vince is just now starting to worry about AIDS two decades later or the price of razor blades has suddenly spiked, something's changed in the Chairman's approach. Has becoming a grandfather softened VKM? Well I guess that depends on how perverse the old man really is. That's a separate issue though. McMahon's hastily mopped up all the blood spatter on his program and cautioned wrestlers to avoid bloodshed altogether. He's taken the porn out of wrestling and now the gore. What's he gonna take next? Steroids? (Oh right) I realize kids go nuts for Rey Mysterio's mask and veteran marks are nostalgic towards the Blue Blazer's. There's one however that's universally loved and recognized by everyone - the crimson mask. It's just a shame Vince has grown to associate the color red with everything that's wrong in this world; from the WWE Reddit Guy to what's sitting in the bottom of his bathroom trash can to Eva Marie. We're bloodthirsty and the boss is engorged on sponsors whom demand him to uphold a certain image. Guess I'll just have to settle for more Walking Dead then.
Freeman: So who's going to be number one on the list of people Vince doesn't like? We'll announce the winner in a just a few short moments folks, however, while you're waiting, here's another picture of Chyna's arse:
Speaking of Chyna, no prizes for guessing who tops Vince's personal list of shite...
Freeman: “Joining me now is former WCW and WWE wrestler and TNA founder Jeff Jarrett. Jeff, thanks for taking the time out of your day to do this interview. First, let me start off by saying sorry about the shit state of TNA at the moment. You know, when I first saw TNA, I had the same reaction as when I when I first saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, 'wow, this changes everything.' But enough about that, let's talk about why Vince McMahon hates you more than anyone else.”
“Well Freeman, everyone thinks it was because I demanded $300,000 to drop the Intercontinental Title to Chyna in when my contract expired and I was leaving for WCW back in 1999. Now, I can understand why many people think that would make Vince really mad at me, but that wasn't the reason at all. No, the real reason why he's so pissed at me, is because, back in 1999 before I left WWF for WCW, I borrowed Tito Santana's copy of Sonic and Knuckles on the Sega Mega Drive and never returned it. Apparently, Vince really hates it when people borrow Tito's stuff and don't give it back, hence why he's stayed mad at me for all these years.”
“Wow, thanks for clearing that up for us Jeff.”
“No problem, stay in school.”
“Haha will do you weirdo.”
“Thanks for being a part of the column mate.”
“No problem dude.”
“Hey, did you hear about British Prime Minister David Cameron?”
“No what about him?”
“Well, according to reports, he was stung by a jellyfish on a recent family holiday in Lanzarote.”
“Yeah, apparently when he was swimming, the slimy, spineless creature touched his skin and suddenly he felt sick with pain.”
“Who said that?”