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Posted in: Freestyling
Taste My Freestyling: More Ways Michael Cole Could Promote The WWE App
By Freeman & Skitz
Feb 1, 2014 - 8:40:36 PM



RAW 17/2/14







“Coming up next is another episode of Miz TV, but first, if you're a WWE fan, then you really should download the WWE App, and we're gonna remind you how to download it right now, you know, because you've had the phone for six months now, and haven't worked out how to download any apps yet. If you have your IOS system for iPhone, go the App Store, of course when you're in there you go to your search engine and type in W...W...E. The app is completely free, and will take a couple of minutes to install, but once it's there you'll get so much exclusive content, including pictures, interviews, and all of the inappropriate text messages I send to the Bella Twins on a regular basis. Now let's go Josh Matthews, who's standing by with a very special guest...”



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“...Los Matadores victorious again here, on Monday Night RAW. Well guys, if there was ever a time to download the WWE App, it is tonight. I've got it downloaded on my iPhone, and tonight you, the WWE Universe, get to choose what Ryback is going to tweet about next, when WWE officials finally allow him to have an internet connection again. If you're a cheapskate like King here and couldn't afford an iPhone, then we're going to show you how to install the App on Android. You simply go to the, Google Play Store, and when you're there you put “W...W...E” into the search engine, and then click install. Of course the WWE App is absolutely free, and if you have the WWE App, then you can vote on tonight's tweeting topic, and there you see your choices. Ryback can either tweet about, A) How big his last turd was, but no matter how big his last turd was it wasn't as big as all of the turds on the internet. B) How gay his last segment was, but no matter how gay his last match was it won't be as gay as all the people on the internet, or C) How all the internet #FeedMeMorons are all big gay turds. Vote now!...”



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"...And Big E Langston with another dominating victory on Monday Night RAW! I've NEVER seen anybody manhandle Zack Ryder like that before. What an incredible roll this man is on, ladies and gentlemen. Langston is the first... I mean only the twenty-first African American to ever hold the Intercontinental Championship; ranking him right up there with some of the all-time great midcarders who never went anywhere in their careers. Of course you can read all about Big E during Black History Month exclusively on the WWE App - learn more about the reigning Intercontinental Champion's life outside of the ring; from his extensive power lifting background to why he only shops at designer stores for plus-size men, and, most importantly, why he speaks in a Caucasian accent. Loads of utterly useless information at the press of your finger. Hey even JBL's checking it out right now on his iPhone."

"I'm checking my Twitter page, you moron."

"And as John just mentioned, you can log onto the WWE App, click on My Universe, type in the city you live in and tweet about RAW with the rest of the WWE Universe! Don't forget to check out what the Superstars, Divas & Legends of WWE are Tweeting about back in the locker room area, and, if that wasn't enough, the #1 trends worldwide will also pop up sporadically throughout the show. Those are the little boxes that flash at the bottom corner of the screen whenever there's nothing interesting going on in the ring. Yes those are the ones that read like cue cards for Autistic children. Speaking of which, join our ongoing efforts to cure Autism in American with the WWE App! Sign up and donate now!.."



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“...Welcome back to cable TV's hottest show, this, is Monday Night RAW. Earlier tonight we saw Batista confront WWE World Heavyweight Champion Randy Orton, as well as the spectacular return of The Phenom, The Undertaker. The Undertaker said that he's OH MY, GREAT MOVE BY KOFI KINGSTON! HERE'S THE COVER! WILL KOFI DO IT HERE? And a kick out by Del Rio at two. Speaking of The Animal, there's an exlcusive interview with Batista and his skinny jeans on the WWE App right now, where the infamous pair of pants explain that although they looked great on Big Dave, they probably looked better on their previous owners Kate Moss, Kim Kardashian and Olivia Palermo. That's available on the WWE App right now, over ten million downloads and counting, of the WWE App!...”



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“...And you are watching the longest running weekly episodic television show in history, this, is Monday Night RAW. Still to come tonight, we will hear from John Cena, but first we'd like to send out a special thank you to you, the WWE Universe, for downloading the WWE App, over ten million times! And speaking of the WWE App, my broadcast colleague JBL is the subject of the latest feature which you, the WWE Universe can experience by downloading the WWE App. Contained within it are all three quotes that JBL uses over and over again throughout an entire episode of Monday Night RAW for your listening pleasure, including such gems as “That's the kick that won Del Rio the championship”, “If you built a sports entertainer from the ground up, it would look exactly like Randy Orton” and “Yes, that was me who put all those cameras in the showers of the NXT men's locker room...”









"...Ladies and gentlemen I've just received word that Owen Hart and Darren Drozdov - more commonly referred to as Wheels amongst the WWE family - will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2014 due to legal issues; alongside The Ultimate Warrior, Jake "The Snake" Roberts & Mike Adamle. We're ruled by law to congratulate both men on this amazing accomplishment, and welcome them openly into the annals of sports-entertainment history. Feel free to view their full bios on the WWE App and see what they've been up to since stepping aw... Er, I mean, since leaving the company.

Switching gears just for a moment, you may recall our discussion panel at last month's Royal Rumble pay per view featured Hall of Fame legends 'Nature Boy' Ric Flair, 'Heartbreak Kid' Shawn Michaels and 'Hacksaw' Jim Duggan. Well now you, the WWE Universe, can revisit their commentary by clicking onto the WWE App and mashing a bunch of random buttons, and, while you're at it, help pay for one of Hacksaw's numerous surgeries. Funding comes from an online Indiegogo campaign, which you can access directly from the WWE App! Be generous and contribute! There's no point in cutting off Duggan now.

Jerry, you know all about enabling. What are you on - your fifth gold digger by now? Oh I forgot... You experience chest pains every other week so poking fun at you is off limits now. Well ladies and gentlemen, I may not be able to ridicule Lawler's poor health on television anymore, but there's plenty of that to go around on the WWE App! We invite you, the WWE Universe, to tune into the latest episode of The JBL & Cole Show and find out what I mean. Anything to make you hate me a little less..."



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“As Damien Sandow gets set for action, just a reminder that Monday Night RAW is brought to you by Snickers tonight. Snickers: Chocolate and peanuts, together. What a revolutionary concept that is. And by Burger King. Burgers. Chocolate bars. No I don't see anything wrong with our advertising strategy for a kids show either. However, switching gears now to what's new on the WWE App, where you, the WWE Universe, can experience WWE like you've never experienced it before. The WWE App is 100% free and only takes up 4.7 GB of memory, and once you've downloaded and installed it on your iPhone or Android device, you'll have access to tonnes of great features, such as the handy tutorial contained within the App that explains how to download and install the WWE App on your iPhone or Android device, so you can enjoy the WWE App. It will change your life. I know it's changed King's life, who seems to have collapsed in a heap right next to me. Don't worry about King though folks, he's in that state because he doesn't have the WWE App installed on his phone. If you have the WWE App installed on your phone, bad things will never happen to you. Ever...”



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"...Kofi Kingston is not only one of the most exciting superstars in WWE today, but he's also one of the most decorated. Kofi's a three-time Tag Team Champion, a three-time United States Champion, a four-time Intercontinental Champion, a breakout track star in high school, an all-state pole vaulter, a four-time BP Champion at Boston College and a Slammy Award winner. An impressive resume for Kingston... Although it pales in comparison to the four Slammy's Vince gave me for being so good at my other job. If you haven't done so already, use the WWE App to check out Kofi's amazing performance in the Royal Rumble match; including an 11-FOOT JUMP from the guard rail to the ring apron. I haven't seen anything like that since last year's Rumble! And the Rumble before that and the Rumble before that! Watch Kofi's death-defying leap again, which is exclusive on the WWE App.

You may recall the Ghanaian superstar held gold with Evan Bourne a few years back. As many of the WWE Universe already know, Kingston's former partner has been sidelined for the better part of two years. Our WWE reporters recently traveled to Tampa, Florida where they caught up with Evan Bourne. Cover from Aksana there, but a kick out from AJ Lee. In an exclusive interview on the WWE App, Renee Young asks Evan about his rehabilitation process, and even encounters RVD who we understand is living there for the time being due to a drug related incident.

Hell if I could keep faking injuries and collecting paychecks while laying on my couch getting baked, I certainly wouldn't be here sitting next to you stiffs! However folks, you can now follow Van Dam's whereabouts with the WWE App Tracker. I know... WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT!?..."









"...John it took me several months to realize this but you're really no better equipped to commentate than Booker T. In fact, why don't you visit the WWE App and listen to some of Book's signature catchphrases? Maybe you'll learn a thing or two! Working color commentary without adding anything meaningful to the conversation is an art form - AND CODY WITH A MISSLE DROPKICK TO JEY USO. CHECK OUT THE HANG TIME RHODES GETS ON THIS INSTANT REPLAY. GOLDUST RECEIVES THE TAG BUT HE'S LEFT REELING FROM A SUPERKICK. JEY DRAGS HIM OVER TO THE USO'S CORNER. HERE'S ANOTHER CAMERA ANGLE OF THAT UN-BE-LIEV-ABLE MISSLE DROPKICK FROM CODY MOMENTS AGO. JIMMY IN NOW AND HE GOES TO WORK ON THE SHOULDER OF GOLDUST. AND LETS TAKE ONE MORE LOOK AT RHODES' TOP ROPE DROPKICK. - King, did you know The Usos are cousins of The Rock & Roman Reigns? You can scan the entire Anoa'i family tree on the WWE App. Yep it keeps going. Uh huh keep scrolling. It's fucking long, isn't it? Populous bastards they are.

There's a three count and The Brotherhood picks up the victory! And with that 1-match winning streak, Cody & Goldust have put themselves right back in the title hunt. While we take a quick break from the action, WWE wants to once again send out its condolences to Mae Young's family. I know it's growing tiresome by now, but they just keep feeding me this shit from the production truck and – heh, sorry Hunter.

Anyway, The Original Diva tragically passed away a few weeks ago at the age of 116. Through the wonders of the WWE App however, you can relive Mae's entire life story and the impact she had on professional wrestling. You can read all sorts of exclusive content, including her career accolades, what it was like knocking down barriers in a male-dominated sport, topless photos, her obituary, the details of her legal will and much much more. If you're a diehard WWE fan, you have absolutely gotta check this out, on the WWE App, which has had over ten million downloads so far...”



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“...Welcome back and it's main event time here on Monday Night RAW WWE App. Cena with a throw WWE App. Cover and kick out at two WWE App. Bryan with a great counter WWE App, and oh my! What the WWE App is Bryan doing WWE App? Bryan is climbing to the top of the WWE App! Bryan delivers a WWE App right to Cena's WWE App from the top of the WWE App. WWE App to WWE App. WWE App is now making way it's WWE App to ringside to interrupt this WWE App. WWE App WWE App WWE App WWE App WWE App WWE App WWE App WWE App WWE App WWE App WWE App WWE App WWE A..”









GIFSoup





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“Hey Skitz?”

“Yeah man?”

“Thanks for all your help with the column.”

“No problem homie, and hey, sorry to hear about Punk leaving WWE, I know you liked him and all.”

“Yeah it sucks, I'm pretty bummed out about it to be honest.”

“I hear ya. Anything I can do to cheer you up? Hookers? Beer? Kelly Kelly's latest calendar?”

“Well... There is one thing...”

“Shoot.”




“Can you show me how my iPhone works? There's an app I really want to install...”


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