I hate January. I'm broke, cold, fat and not interested in sex, but at least I now know how Tammy Sytch feels. However, just about the only good thing about this time of year is that we're starting to build up to Wrestlemania, meaning that speculation surrounding this year's matches will be rife, which pleases me greatly. Just for fun, I thought I'd share my proposed Wrestlemania 30 card with you all, but, just like a Jenna Haze handjob, mine has a little twist. I have no interest in seeing something fresh and never done before at Wrestlemania, such as John Cena vs Undertaker, when I could have a rematch of something hilarious like Big Show vs Akebono. Therefore, every match on my proposed card has actually already happened at a previous Wrestlemania, and has at least a small chance of happening again, because pretty much all of the participants are:
Freestyling: RematchaMania - My Super Awesome Wrestlemania 30 Card
Jan 2, 2014 - 6:11:47 PM
a) Still alive.
b) Part of the current WWE roster.
and c) Are heavily rumoured to be returning at Wrestlemania this year, or could return, because they don't work for anyone else.
With that in mind, let's have a look at my super awesome RematchaMania card and bask in its super awesome potential, starting with a certain Daniel Bryan's finest hour:
Daniel Bryan vs Sheamus
What better way to continue Bryan's ongoing midcard push after joining the Wyatt Family than to have him compete in a rematch of this classic from Wrestlemania 28? It could happen; Sheamus' return is imminent and DB continues to be conspicuous by his absence in top Wrestlemania 30 match rumours. Therefore, I feel the best thing to keep Bryan strong as a top main event level talent, is to have Sheamus kick the fuck out of his face at Wrestlemania 30 in the time it takes you to finish this paragraph.
Randy Orton vs Triple H
The last time these two met at Wrestlemania, the crowd was so excited that you could actually smell everyone's piss soaked pants through your television set. If these two were to tie it up again for Wrestlemania 30 this year, then it would be nice if they started the match in the same traditional manner as when they squared off at Wrestlemania 25, by hitting both their finishers within a couple of minutes. Hopefully, the crowd would be as excited as they were during John Cena vs The Rock last year. In fact, what I'd really like, is for Orton and Trips to end their association with each other in the next few weeks, then embark on a blood feud where Orton RKOs Stephanie and Triple H breaks into Orton's house, then have the match culminate in a twenty five minute slow paced brawl at 'Mania 30 that totally fits the build up and storyline. Yeah.
Intermission: A performance from Kid Rock.
Kid Rock is the greatest musician of the last 57 years and 5 months. Why wouldn't you have a performance from such an exulted figure at this year's Wrestlemania?
Johnny Depp wowing the Wrestlemania 25 crowd...
John Cena vs The Miz
Fact: John Cena vs The Miz is the 109th Greatest Wrestlemania Match EVER, just ahead of Sable vs Tori from Wrestlemania 15 in 110th place but narrowly losing out to Rey Mysterio vs Jack Swagger from the SmackDown vs. Raw 2011 Road to Wrestlemania mode in 108th spot. As for this one's potential at 'Mania 30, believe me; it's happening. Miz has recently come off a spectacular heel turn, and was the 72nd longest reiging Intercontinental Champion back in April of 2013. A ridiculously huge push is on the cards for Mr Maryse Ouellet, which will lead to him being given the opportunity to stage another technical masterclass with John Cena in the Wrestlemania 30 main event in April of this year.
Undertaker vs Big Show & Tensai
Lots of huge names being discussed as potential opponents for the Deadman at Wrestlemania 30, including Brock Lesnar, John Cena, Goldberg, Sting and DJ Gabriel. All great options, but for me, the only thing better than having to face one opponent at Wrestlemania is having to face two opponents at Wrestlemania, which is why a rematch of one of 'Taker's most memorable 'Mania encounters absolutely needs to happen this year. Tensai, who was known as A-Train when this little beauty first took place, has just come off a big split with Brodus Clay and is really starting to look like a serious main event player in WWE, and Big Show always delivers in every match he's ever competed in ever, so a match with The Phenom in April has the potential to make Undertaker's battle with CM Punk look like Undertaker's battle with Giant Gonzalez.
Goldberg vs Brock Lesnar
With Lesnar apparently resigning with WWE for another couple of years and the Goldberg return rumours growing stronger every day, the possibility of these two men going at it again for another potential Wrestlemania show stealer becomes more and more realistic. I can't be the only one round here who was seriously impressed with the match these two put on at Wrestlemania 20, and their commitment and effort into making the spectacle live up to it's “dream match” tag, despite the pair departing after said match, was nothing short of exemplary. With that in mind, this match simply has to take place at Wrestlemania 30, and WWE, if you want to call Stone Cold Steve Austin in to referee his 38th Wrestlemania match then fuck, I wouldn't complain one bit.
Bret Hart vs Vince McMahon
When Bret Hart finally returned to WWE programming in 2010, I for one had no interest in the idea of him returning to confront Shawn Michaels, restart their long standing feud and culminate in a match at Wrestlemania 26. No, what I was really looking forward to, was the possibility of a Wrestlemania match pitting a senile, out-of-touch old man, against Vince McMahon. Therefore, when this match was announced, I was delighted, and if we could get a repeat of one of the most well thought out and intelligently booked 'Mania matches of all time, then I'd be over the moon. Don't think it isn't a possibility either, as Vince is always rumoured to be returning to the ring at some point, and Bret still shows up now and then to be the special guest toilet cleaner or something, so there's plenty of opportunities for this feud to get restarted. I, for one, can't wait.
Intermission: Another performance from Kid Rock.
Actually, if Wrestlemaina 30 was announced as just a three hour Kid Rock concert, I'd still buy it.
We are not worthy
Michael Cole vs Jerry Lawler
Having a 60 year old take part in a Wrestlemania match is always a good idea. For proof, see any of Vince McMahon's matches from 2000-2010. Or any of Hulk Hogan's matches from the eighties. However, what's even better, is when you give that 60 year old an announcer who's barely even competed in a wrestling match as an opponent. I'm still not done. What's even better than that, is when you present the bout as one of the top matches on the fucking card, and give it nearly 14 minutes of match time to play out. Love it. If we could get these two feuding again this year and give them 25 minutes to properly tell their story at Wrestlemania 30, I'd be one happy man.
As a side note, this is the second match from the Wrestlemania 27 card that I want on my fantasy Wrestlemania 30 card, so in case anyone was doubting the status of WM 27 as one of the greatest 'Manias of all time, I hope that little stat will help change your mind.
Intermission: Stacy Keibler, Torrie Wilson and The Miller Lite Catfight Girls.
I'd like to tell why this segment from Wrestlemania 19 is on my fantasy card, but I'm still waiting for WWE to do the same thing.
Oh yeah, I remember now.
The Boogeyman vs Booker T
Yeah it's nice that dudes like Batista, Jericho, Goldberg, Hogan and others either are, or could be returning to WWE for Wrestlemania 30, but if I could have any superstar from yesteryear back in the company for this year's Pay Per View extravanganza, it would have to be The Boogeyman. Not since the days of Jake Roberts has one man had such a firm grasp of wrestling psychology, and, in fact, I bet it actually is Jake Roberts under all that face paint playing the part of The Boogeyman. Or it could be Julia Roberts. Anyway, I'm sad that Booker T doesn't really have anything to do in WWE anymore, and this was such a great match when it took place at Wrestlemania 22, so I don't see any reason why we can't see it again at WM 30.
The Divas Battle Royal from Wrestlemania 25
Every Wrestlemania card needs the token Divas match to really pop the buy rate, and my Wrestlemania 30 card is no different. With that in mind, I simply can't imagine the perfect Wrestlemania card without the greatest Divas Battle Royal ever. Watching this match back during my research, I had forgotten just how great the psychology was here; these ladies are fighting for absolutely nothing apart from the coveted Miss Wrestlemania crown, and you really get that sense of urgency and burning desire to win from every participant. This match doesn't need something sensible like a title on the line to help sell it, just a completely made up crown at the last minute which was forgotten about in ten minutes anyway. Let's do it again. Let's get every single Diva who competed in the greatest four and half minutes of Wrestlemania back for this year's big dance and tear the house down one more time.
You thought WWE's Wrestlemania 28 buyrate was impressive? Wouldn't have shit on my card if WWE were to go all in and book it for this year's big dance. Don't forget; it could actually happen. As I said before, the best part is that almost all the names on my card either already work for WWE or are heavily rumoured to be returning, well apart from the Boogeyman, but he should be there goddamn it. For those of you who are apprehensive about of all these rematches, just remember that the sequel is always better. Star Wars Attack of the Clones is better than The Phantom Menace, Big Natural Titties 8 is better than Big Natural Titties 7 and the New Testament is better than the Old Testament, so RematchaMania is definitely the way forward. Or we could just ask these guys:
Honourable mentions: Hulk Hogan vs Sid Justice (Wrestlemania 8) John Cena vs The Rock (Wrestlemania 29) Big Show vs Akebono (Wrestlemania 21) Torrie Wilson vs Candice Michelle (Wrestlemania 22) Bret Hart vs Bob Backlund (Wrestlemania 11) Jake Roberts vs Rick Martel (Wrestlemania 7)
and many, many more.