Freestyling: Wrestlemania 30 Predictions Using PS3 & Xbox 360
By Freeman & Skitz
Apr 4, 2014 - 8:47:29 PM
Freeman: So here we are then. The biggest wrestling Pay Per View of the year is this Sunday, which makes this the biggest PS3 predictions column I've ever done so far. Yes ladies and gents, Multi Man Match 'Mania 30 is fast approaching, and to give this column that marquee feel, I enlisted the help of my good buddy and resident predictions column whore Skitz, who I've been tutoring in my dark arts for the last few weeks. How you doing bro?
SkitZ: Better now that I have someone else’s success to leech off. Thanks for inviting me though. This is usually the part where I’d say “glad to be of service” but you probably wouldn’t want anything to do with the services I provide. Unless you’re into electromagnetic pulses and bum tickling, our best bet is to just skip ahead.
Freeman: Couldn't agree more. So for those of you who are new to this, allow me to take a second to explain just what the deuce is going on. Skitz and I take each match, which, at the current time of writing, is scheduled to take place at this Sunday's Wrestlemania Pay Per View, and simulate them in the WWE 2K14 video game, which I have on PS3 and the Fruity One has on Xbox 360. We set the computer to control all of the characters with the difficulty on “Legend”, as we sit back and
wonder why we don't have girlfriends describe the action. We'll of course let you know what our respective consoles think is going to happen this Sunday, as well as offering up our own predictions for the event. Right, that's enough chat, let's dive in balls out to the first match of...
The Usos vs Real Americans vs Rybaxel vs Los Matadores (Fatal Four Way Match for the WWE Tag Team Championship)
SkitZ: Swagger, Jey Uso (the one NOT reaming Naomi), nor Fernando will be competing in the following match. Jack caught a last second flight home to Oklahoma and was reportedly racked with guilt; ashamed for holding Cesaro back all these months and recently styling his hair like Macklemore’s. Uso #2 and Epico were withheld due to lack of individuality (like anybody can tell the fucking difference between them and their partners anyway).
The bell rings and Cesaro stamps Jimmy in the forehead with his boot. He then proceeds to rub Uso’s face into the canvas while some of the Divas praise Claudio backstage for his sound ring psychology. Irate over his nose being used as an eraser, Jimmy retaliates with what appears to be a Samoan drop. But lo and behold, it’s just a fireman’s carry. The Swiss Sensation then delivers a Samoan drop of his own and tags in Diego. Jimmy tags in Ryback moments later and they start beating this shit out of Cesaro, who’s on the opposite ring apron minding his own business (being so over leads to animosity with co-workers I guess). Diego seizes control of Ryback and tags Cesaro in. Skip goes to deliver a jackhammer to The Swiss Sensation but pussies out and opts for a snap suplex instead. Ryback quickly tags Jimmy in. This turns into a competitive game of freeze tag for several agonizing minutes. Cesaro & Diego exchange tags and then nail Uso with the Hardyz’ old move, poetry in motion. Interesting choice for a double team maneuver there.
Ryberg ends up back in the ring. Cesaro positions him for the gutwrench powerbomb, but they’re too close to the corner and Jimmy disrupts the move. Claudio won’t be denied however and connects with it on the second try, but Sheffield kicks out at 2. Then, as if he’s impervious to pain, Ryback suddenly drops Cesaro with Shell Shocked but Diego breaks up the pin. Diego and Uso are tagged in. Jimmy blasts Primo with a superkick but doesn’t even get a one count. Uso tags in Ryback. Skip nails a belly-to-belly suplex and another shell shocked but Diego miraculously kicks out at 2.99999. The Matador then digs deep into the playbook; abusing Ryback with everything from the ankle lock to Layla’s finisher. Sheffield needs a breather so he tags Jimmy back in. Uso connects with a stiff kick, applies the camel clutch and Diego starts tapping.
Xbox360 Says: The Usos win by submission and retain their titles. It’s worth noting that Curtis Axel (although present) never officially entered the match. I think everyone forgot that Mr. Perfect had a son.
SkitZ Says: Some peoples’ feathers are ruffled over the inclusion of Los Matadores while The Rhodes Brothers are being relegated to the battle royal. Fair argument. But keep in mind that Epico & Primo were snubbed at WrestleMania 28 while in the midst of a solid Tag Team Title reign so this is long overdue. No matter what kinda mixed feelings you hold towards this match, be grateful. We could have gotten The Usos versus Road Dogg & Billy Gunn instead. Therefore, thank fuck for the bullfighters and their furry sidekick.
Freeman says: Can't see anything other than an Usos win here; they only just won the belts and will most likely retain them at Wrestlemania.
Daniel Bryan vs Triple H
Freeman: Bryan out first followed by Triple H. If Trips doesn't win we riot, or something like that. Howard Finkel actually did the introductions here in that lovely smooth voice of his, before promptly ejaculating all over a pregnant woman in the third row. Anyway, let's get this fucker started.
Bryan starts things off and he isn't fucking about with a big kick to the face, knocking Triple H out. However, The Game soon gets to his feet and delivers a belly to belly suplex to Bryan. If this was a Shane Douglas match it would be all over by now. Bryan gets up and runs right into a facebuster knee smash, which wasn't the best strategy really. I'm listening to some good music whilst watching this match. Incidentally, have any of you heard the the latest Coldplay single? It's called Chris Martin. Hunter whips Daniel into the corner, then whips him into the opposite corner, and follows it up with a running punch. Highly technical offence from The Game in this match. Tree of woe from Trips, which Bryan reverses with a knee to the face. Bryan then knocks Helmsley to the floor, and scores big with a shining wizard. No, not the wrestling move, but a glittering picture of Gandalf. However, Triple H quickly gets up and hits Bryan with a motherfucking piledriver. Shit just got real son. Another facebuster knee smash from 'H, followed up with a running stomp. I think Triple H needs to review his move set after this match. Bryan gets to feet, Trips goes for a right hand which Bryan counters into a Yes Lock! Will The Game tap? Find out after this message from our sponsors. What, you actually thought we could afford to let you fucks have the WWE Network for under ten dollars a month? You poor little snowflake.
We're back and no, Triple H did not tap to the Yes Lock. Gutbuster from Bryan followed up with a running elbow. Trips gets up and charges at The American Dragon but gets caught by an arm drag, and then gets up and repeats the exact same spot again. And again. Stupid game, how can the same sequence of moves possibly work over and over again? You'd never see this happen in real life...
Running DDT from Triple H. Float over neck breaker from Bryan. Neckbreaker from Triple H as the crowd erupts into a Daniel Bryan chant. The Game then hits a spinebuster and gets a very near fall. Bryan gets to his feet but walks right into a kick to the gut from Trips, who tries to follow it up with a Pedigree but Bryan counters it into a backdrop. Triple H gets up and walks right into another Yes Lock! After what seemed like an eternity, Hunter managed to scratch and claw his way to the ropes as the crowd starts a massive Triple H chant. I guess either Stephanie McMahon or Mazza did the programming for this game. Triple H with a reverse DDT for a two count, and then an armbar submission attempt, which Bryan reversed into a pin attempt for another near fall. Single leg takedown from Bryan, which he decided was a move so devastating that he should go for the pin. Surprisingly, Triple H managed to kick out. Bryan then hit Triple H with those shoot kicks he does, followed by a roundhouse kick to the head, which was enough to put Hunter away for the three count. Bryan wins!
PS3 says: Daniel Bryan wins. Fucking great match.
SkitZ Says: There’s one question on everyone’s minds heading into this long awaited showdown – what will Stephanie be wearing at ringside? Who cares as long as its low cut, right? I mark hard for any cleavage that isn’t my girlfriend’s. Many folks are predicting this fight will take place sometime within the first hour of the show. I can’t picture Triple H curtain jerking though unless he’s pulling double duty. My assumption is Hunter left the shovel at home for this trip and will do the job without any funny business. Whether convincingly or by a flimsy rollup, Bryan goes over and exacts his revenge on The Game. Whatever happens after that is cloudier than RVD’s basement.
Freeman says: Lots of cats predicting a swerve with Triple H coming out victorious here, but I can't see it. If a swerve is happening, it's happening in the main event, as I don't think WWE will risk the collective apathy of the New Orleans crowd by having a heel vs heel vs heel main event. Daniel Bryan wins.
The Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal
SkitZ: Three spots remain open in this clutterflub, eh? Well I have it on good “authority” that Hogan, Punk and RVD will round out the field so they’ve been included here too. Lets see how this unfolds.
Christian & Cody robotically target Dolph right off the bat and eliminate him. The alliance is short-lived though as Brodus helps Christian derail Rhodes. They bully Mysterio for a decent stretch which brightens my day. Clay soon sets his sights on Miz who doesn’t last long (or so I hear). Henry makes short work of Rey and he’s history. Brodus appears ready to press slam SkidMark out of the ring but then simply drops him to the mat. That was nearly as disappointing as my tax refund this year. Christian apparently has nine lives and keeps skinning the cat. Oop nevermind – Kofi just sent him packing (seriously, he’s on vacation again). Brodus finally comes to his senses and hurls SkidMark over the ropes.
Justin Gabriel disposes of Kingston with minimal effort. Clay eliminates Jinder Mahal with a fucking baseball slide. Gabriel continues to raise eyebrows; booting both The Funkasaurus and Heath Slater with a pair of dropkicks. Kharma’s a massive bitch though as Fandango gives the South African a taste of his own medicine seconds later. The ballroom dancer ends Drew McIntyre’s unproductive evening with a knee to the head. Sandow then eliminates Goldust which the 2K14 crowd handles a lot better than I’m sure the fans in NOLA would.
Damien continues his hot streak by eliminating Fandango next. Sandow goes for the hat trick on Khali but Punk runs over and reminds him what the last eight months were like. And just when you thought this couldn’t get any more realistic, Khali sends the BITW home. Hogan poses for pictures amidst the chaos while Van Dam takes care of Darren Young (which I’ll admit is a bit of a loose-ended statement). The Hulkster’s shameless self-promotion is costly though as RVD catches him off guard and vanquishes the Immortal One. The onslaught continues as Van Dam also squashes Zack Ryder’s last resort. Maddox eliminates Khali with a big boot, I shit you not. Titus takes out weeks of mediocrity on Sin Cara and he’s gone as well. I happened to glance down at my phone for five seconds and Santino’s disappeared (likely off somewhere jerking around with his fap sleeve).
RVD is still destroying asses everywhere and O’Neil becomes his next victim with a backdoor sneak attack. Truth pulls off the monumental upset by ousting RAW’s General Manager (which may or may not be accurate based on how little we’ve seen of Maddox lately). Sheamus cuts the celebration short though; wrapping K-Kwik in the ropes before completing the elimination. Big E is flung from the ring by Big Show and we’re down to the final four competitors – TBS, RVD, ADR & GNGR. Del Rio abruptly slams the door shut on Van Dam’s MVP performance. Berty then saves the Great White from defeat for some inexplicable reason and does away with Big Show singlehandedly! No good deed goes unpunished apparently as Sheamus drives Dorito into the corner and brogue kicks him over the ropes to bag the trophy.
Xbox360 Says: Sheamus wins. Meh I found myself wanting more. Punk’s much-talked-about return was a dud. Hulkamania didn’t run wild. And no storyline continuity whatsoever. I’m pissed.
SkitZ Says: I heard TripleR spouting off the other day about this becoming an annual event? Oh goody. Just what I always wanted! A wrestling ring crammed with low-mid level talent! I’m fine with this being a one-time thing but a 30-man battle royal has no business becoming a staple at future WrestleManias. Plus I realize Andre is a Hall of Famer and whatnot, but isn’t paying him tribute every year a bit self-indulgent? Besides, the guy was absolute shit. He moved like I sleep.
Sheamus doesn’t seem like he belongs in the battle royal. Then again, he really hasn’t warranted a higher position on this year’s card. Either way, I’d say The Great White is worth biting on if you’re a betting man.
Freeman says: I could easily see about four different people winning this, with Big Show, Big E, Rey Mysterio and Sheamus all being fairly solid bets. However, I reckon Skitz's Xbox is on to something here, as The Great White hasn't done a whole lot since he returned from injury, and a win here would give him a nice excuse to get back in the main event. Sheamus wins.
Kane & The New Age Outlaws vs The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns)
Freeman: Kane out first followed by his Attitude Era buddies. The Shield are out next, who had a big Wrestlemania split teased for months only to come out best buds by the time April rolled around. It's always good to see the clear direction, good planning and legendary organisation from WWE that we've all come to love. Let's get this one started then.
Rollins and Kane start, and Rollins gets stuck in with a float over neckbreaker on the Big Red Machine. Belly to belly suplex from Kane. Neckbreaker from Rollins. Russian leg sweep from Kane. Elbow to face from Kane. Bret Hart style storytelling this is not. Another belly to belly suplex from Kane, followed up with a leg drop. Kane then locks in a bearhug, which prompted everyone to run in and try to break up the submission move. As Roman Reigns takes care of Billy Gunn and Road Dogg, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins start to double team Kane in the corner. The ref then starts to count Amrbose out, and actually fucking counted to five as Ambrose was still fucking about in the ring like a dipshit, meaning the Shield got themselves disqualified.
PS3 says: Kane & The New Age Outlaws win by DQ. Alright then.
SkitZ Says: Bizarre how WWE hinted at numerous tag team break-ups and then backed off once WM30 drew closer. Did somebody restore order in the board room? Or is this simply a case of lackadaisical booking? For weeks we witnessed all this tension within The Shield and then it vanishes overnight? Sketchy. This match seems way too cut and dry. Of course this could just be another notch in The Shield’s belt and a nice kick-start to their face run. But something tells me Ambrose will screw his partners over and reveal that he’s been in cahoots with The Authority all along.
Freeman says: The PS3 might actually be on to something there. Rollins and Ambrose getting themselves disqualified and costing Reigns the match could be a good way to further the whole Shield splitting up storyline, but I have a feeling WWE is saving that shizzle for the time being. The Hounds of Justice need a win after the Wyatts defeated them at Elimination Chamber, and I reckon Kane and The Outlaws are being used as little more than enhancement talent for this one. Shield win.
John Cena vs Bray Wyatt
SkitZ: Bray flies out of the gate with… a running neckbreaker and a dropkick? Naturally, Cena no sells his offense; pummeling Husky Harris with punches, clotheslines and a fisherman’s suplex with that awkward execution Cena is notorious for. WWE’s Poster Boy follows with a tilt-a-whirl slam that awakens Wyatt from his CAW-esque lull and it prompts Bray to get his ass in gear. The cult leader’s surge of confidence gets the best of him however as he goes for Cena’s flying shoulder block and misses almost as badly as a drunk dude pissing. Cena capitalizes with another fisherman’s suplex. And another. Goddamn. He rips off Batista’s stretch submission from 2010 and Luke Harper mounts the ring apron to distract the ref.
Meanwhile, Cena plants Bray with an AA but Harper and the official are still bickering like a high school couple with a bun in the oven. Wyatt takes full advantage and drills Cena with what I assume is supposed to be sister Abigail (albeit a shitty fucking substitute) but Cena gets his shoulder up at the last possible nanosecond. Harper is in the bottom corner of the screen politicking with the referee again. Bray’s acting mighty Zigglerish tonight and floors Cena with probably the fifteenth dropkick of this match. Some kind of glitch occurs when Wyatt lays himself atop Cena for the cover. Charles Robinson exits the ring, kneels down as if he’s about to retrieve a weapon and makes the three count on the floor. My my, that’s different.
Xbox360 Says: Bray Wyatt wins and Lil Naitch experiences some dementia.
SkitZ Says: Easily the best feud going in WWE aside from the Bryan/Authority saga. If Husky does indeed do the job, he should do so in memorable fashion. I recall reading an idea pitched where Bray passes out trapped in the STF while laughing maniacally. Not sure who suggested it but that would be fucking tough. Personally, I think Bray needs to prevail and keep building momentum. Should Wyatt maintain his current pace, I’d love to see him close in on the WWE World Title after SummerSlam.
Freeman says: I personally think Cena should prevail here, as I'm a bit weary of pushing Bray too hard too soon. However, looking at the rest of the card, it looks like we could be seeing quite a few face victories, so Wyatt has a very good chance of pulling off the upset. Wyatt wins.
Vickie Guerrero Divas Championship Invitational
Freeman: Surprisingly, there's no such thing as a Divas Championship Invitational in WWE 2K14. Someone at 2K Sports really dropped the ball with that one. If this match isn't included in this year's edition of the game, then I'm not buying it. I don't care if they seamlessly integrate the best bits of Extreme Warfare Revenge, Total Championship Wrestling and Frogger 3D into WWE 2K15, if I don't see a Divas Championship Invitational, I will not be parting with any of my hard earned cash.
So yeah, for this one to work, I had to think outside the box a little. After giving it a lot of thought, I decided to hire fourteen hookers and have them simulate the match live in my back garden. The whole thing cost me about nine grand, and, unfortunately, the ladies in question weren't very good wrestlers. One of them also looked like Super Chrisss. Furthermore, I forgot who I'd assigned to play which Diva, so the whole thing turned out to be a giant waste of time, and I'm pretty sure I now have crabs. Again.
Therefore, I decided to settle for the next best thing. I threw six of the participants into a Battle Royal and let the PS3 pick a winner. Divas Champ AJ Lee was out first, followed by Aksana, and then Kaitlyn in a surprising Wrestlemania return, then Layla, then Natalya and finally Summer Rae. Unfortunately, Battle Royals are done with an elimination style format, so this wasn't the single fall finish format that WWE will adopt on Sunday, however I'm pretty sure they'll forget about the rules anyway and find some way to fuck it up. Anyway, this match was actually ridiculously fast paced and quite hard to keep up with, so I'll just give the list of eliminations: Aksana was eliminated first by Kaityln and her impressive digitized rack, AJ was shockingly eliminated second by Summer Rae, who then went on a bit of a run by eliminating both Kaitlyn and Natalya, but was then eliminated by the eventual winner Layla, which prompted Michael Cole to say “that was one Hell In A Cell match we'll never forget.” Some aspects of this game are unbelievably realistic.
PS3 says: Winner and new Divas Champion: Layla, in a simulation that will probably turn out to be about as accurate as MH370's flight path.
SkitZ Says: Vickie Guerrero should be commemorated for the masterful job she’s done orchestrating this thing. I mean the entire Women’s roster in the ring simultaneously with no structure or nudity? That’s brilliant! I smell a promotion in her future.
This scenario reminds me an awful lot of Chavo and the Cruiserweight Open at WrestleMania XX. Despite the odds stacked against him, Guerrero managed to weather the storm and retain his title. After some initial doubt, I could see AJ following suit and then transitioning into a rivalry with Tamina. Naomi’s untimely eye injury may have actually cost her a run with the belt (in the short term anyway). Given that the parameters surrounding this Divas Invitational are so hazy, Freebee and I are hoping Melina makes her illustrious return in NOLA. She’s like the pothole you drive by on the way to work… everybody hits it eventually.
Freeman says: Fucked if I know. It looks like it's being set up for AJ to retain here, and what with the rumours that WWE needs more heels to win in a card being dominated by face victories, the Crazy Chick has a good chance of winning here. Although WWE has wanted to push Summer Rae and Naomi for a while now, with Naomi in particular having a good chance of coming out victorious, I'll play safe and go for an AJ win, with Naomi possibly winning the belt at Extreme Rules.
The Undertaker vs Brock Lesnar
SkitZ: The Phenom scores with snake eyes and then throws a bunch of wild haymakers. Brock rallies with a swinging fisherman’s suplex. Taker strikes with a flying lariat but Lesnar answers with a pair of German suplexes (and a third for the hell of it). Brock scores with a fallaway slam but Taker kicks out at 2. Lesnar sends Taker to the outside and buries him with an F5 on the floor. Brock rolls The Deadman back inside the ring and stops to showboat but Taker gets his second wind and goes on a rampage; hitting snake eyes again, a big boot and a running leg drop. Taker follows it up with the chokeslam and a pin cover but Heyman interjects. In the meantime, Taker drops The Beast with a tombstone that should’ve sealed the deal but Heyman and the referee are still deep in conversation. Chatty bastards.
Brock continues to channel his inner Steiner and punishes The Phenom with belly-to-belly suplexes galore. Lesnar slaps on the kimura locks but Taker refuses to submit and counters out of the hold. Heyman then tosses a chair in the ring (shit I set this on no disqualification) while Taker and Brock brawl in the corner; totally clueless to the weapon lying beneath their feet. Lesnar suddenly nails the triple powerbomb, collects the 1-2-3 and kills the streak. Didn’t see that one coming!
Xbox360 Says: Brock Lesnar wins. For such a landmark result, this underwhelmed big time (hey at least the match and the feud stand on equal footing). On the bright side though, Brock’s schedule is now freed up. Lesnar can get that voice deepening surgery he’s been putting off since college.
SkitZ Says: The Beast versus The Streak could use a fun stipulation. Even if they decide to work an MMA-styled match, I’m not interested in watching Taker roll around on the mat for 25 minutes making this facial expression:
More than anything, this half-hearted program magnifies what Punk brings/brought to the table. Look at the angles he worked against Taker leading up to WM29 and then compare it to what Lesnar’s accomplished. The discrepancy is almost laughable. Yeah we can count on the match delivering but I could’ve cared less for Taker/Brock to begin with and their confrontations here in 2014 haven’t exactly lit my world on fire. Lesnar’s like an aspiring porn star; utterly and completely dependent on his agent. Heyman saved this feud from flat lining before ‘Mania.
Freeman says: Undertaker wins, easiest prediction of the night. However, having said that, look for Brock to now go and pull off the upset to end all upsets.
Daniel Bryan vs Batista vs Randy Orton (Triple Threat Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship)
Freeman: So it's finally main event time. I decided that since the PS3 predicted a Daniel Bryan win against Triple H, there would be little point in simulating a Batista/Orton/Triple H scenario. The Viper is out first, followed by Daniel Bryan, and finally Batista, who even got booed in this game, which was pretty funny. Bell rings and here we go!
Daniel Bryan starts thing off with a beautiful float over neck breaker on Randy Orton. Batista and Bryan then form a strange alliance, and start double teaming Orton, hitting the Viper with just about every double team move known to man, including a double gutbuster, a double suplex, a double double neckbreaker, a double cheeseburger, a double bass and a double negative. Bryan then hits a jawbreaker on Randy, but that dastardly turncoat Batista quickly nails Bryan with a STO. Orton gets back to his feet and clotheslines Dave, which prompts Bryan and Orton to hit Batista with a double chokeslam, a spot I guarantee you will not be seeing on Sunday. Speaking of Dave, it was awesome when he came out recently and said how much he loves the wrestling business. It's always nice to see a guy who enjoys his job, because I really enjoy my job too. In case you were wondering, I work in the elevator business. It's great, although it does have its ups and downs.
Orton nails Batista with a clothesline, and then another, and then a powerslam, before hitting Bryan with a devastating snapmare. The Viper then throws Byran to the outside and whips him into the steel steps, all while Batista looks on gormlessly. Both men are now back in the ring, and Orton goes for an RKO on Bryan, who reverses it and begins his shoot kick routine on Randall before nailing him with the roundhouse. Cover, but Dave manages to stop thinking about anal sex for a minute and breaks it up. Spinebuster from Batista on Bryan followed up with Batista Bite submission, which Orton broke up. Double neckbreaker, this time from Randy and Dave, which sounds like a budget clothing line, on Bryan. Orton and The Animal hit Danielson with a double DDT, and then take turns dragging Bryan’s unconscious carcass aimlessly around the ring. God help these two if they ever have to dispose of a dead body together, because
speaking from experience from what I've heard, you need to be a bit more decisive than these two chodes.
Orton whips Dave to the apron, but Batista counters with a right hand to the Viper, who then walks right into a Yes Lock from Daniel Bryan! Batista is trying everything in his power to break the hold, but Bryan's got it locked in as tight as a duck's arse. Eventually, Batista breaks the hold with a well placed kick to Bryan's head, and then proceeds to whip Bryan into the corner, but gets caught with a belly to belly suplex from Orton. Randy then attempts to clothesline Bryan, who reverses it and goes for a small package, no not the wrestling move, but the male genitalia. Orton kicks out at two. Both men get to their feet, and Orton hits Bryan with an RKO from out of nowhere. However, Batista manages to get to Orton before he can even attempt a pinfall, and hits another spinebuster on Bryan as he gets to his feet. Orton suplexes Batista, but then the silly cunt walks right into another Yes Lock from Daniel Bryan! Will Orton tap? Is this Bryan's moment? No, somehow, Orton manages to get to the ropes. Batista's back up and it's a double DDT from Orton and Dave on The American Dragon. The Animal then goes for a Batista bomb, but Bryan counters it into a DDT. Just as Bryan moved to make a cover, Orton caught him and locked in a full nelson submission, which apparently was so painful it caused Daniel Bryan to immediately tap out. Wrestlemania goes off the air with
Chris Masters Randy Orton celebrating the successful defence of his WWE World Heavyweight Title.
PS3 says: Randy Orton wins and retains his title. Bryan taps out. The internet goes into meltdown.
SkitZ Says: Don’t be flabbergasted if this degenerates into an Attitude Era type main event in the closing moments. The COO is bound to limp down to ringside all butthurt over what took place earlier and interfere. Thus D-Bry will be at a 3-1 disadvantage (if not worse). Corporate Kane or the NAO could also get involved. Whether it’s The Shield or CM Punk, I imagine someone will fend off The Authority long enough for Bryan to create his WrestleMania moment and capture the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Yes! YES! YES!!!
Or Triple H could beat Bryan, dethrone Orton and brag about it on RAW for 42 minutes.
Freeman says: I could see a swerve here, with Daniel Bryan getting screwed and Batista winning and becoming the new face of WWE, and possibly even CM Punk or Shawn Michaels interfering and costing The Dazzler the match. However, I really feel that WWE can't possibly hold Bryan back any longer, and everything is set up nicely for him to win and get his Wrestlemania moment. I'll go with a Daniel Bryan win.
So that's it then, Brock Lesnar is ending the streak, Daniel Bryan is tapping out in the main event and it will be lovely to see Kaitlyn and her tittays again. Big props to Skitz for
giving me his Exploited College Girls login details his contribution here, and hopefully we'll be doing it again some time. As for the event itself, I've got to admit, I'm excited as fuck, as usual. Wrestlemania is better than Christmas in my humble opinion, and the mere prospect of Daniel Bryan winning the title in the main event and having his own Wrestlemania moment is worth the price of admission alone. You've also got Lesnar vs Undertaker, which I'm sure will deliver, and Bryan's first match against Triple H could well be the match of the night. So yeah, basically, I will be watching, and I'm expecting it to be at least pretty good. But if it isn't, then I won't be too worried, because RAW the next night is guaranteed to be awesome, so it's all swings and roundabouts really. Kind of reminds me of my job actually. Which, to be honest, is the best thing about being in the elevator business: When one door closes, another one always opens.
Quite a few of you have contacted me in the comments section and via email and said that you’d like to see Erick Rowan vs Randy, since Erick Rowan did win the PS3 Royal Rumble back in January, which I guess makes him the true Royal Rumble. After Bryan tapped out in the main event, Mike Adamle made a surprise return and announced this year’s true main event. Your wish is my command folks...
Erick Rowan vs Randy Orton (WWE World Heavyweight Championship)
“Erick Ronan” was out first according to Justin Roberts. Erick Ronan is not only a successful professional wrestler, but he’s also enjoyed great chart success as a vocalist with hits such as “Loving Each Day” and “When You Say Nothing At All.” Randy Orton out next. Here we go.
Orton goes for a right hand but Rowan counters it into a snapmare, however Randy is quickly back to his feet and hits a Thez press on Rowan. However, The Wyatt Family member isn’t taking any of Randy’s shit, which I’ve heard has a nasty habit of turning up in women’s purses by the way, and comes at The Viper with three right hands a body slam. Quite where he found the third right hand is still a mystery to me. Another Thez press from orton followed by an armbar. Kick to the gut from Orton. Kick to the gut from Rowan. This is unbelievably interesting. Yet another Thez press from Orton. Fuck this.
Orton whips Rowan to the ring apron and nails a second rope DDT. That’s more like it. Big headbutt from Rowan reversed into a Thez press. Incredible variation being shown from The Apex Predator tonight. Orton hits a dropkick, but Rowan is quick to his feet and whips Randall into the corner, and hits him with multiple headbutts to the chest, in a scenario which I can only describe as headbutting a mudhole in Orton and licking it dry. Rowan is finding his groove now, and grabs Orton’s head with both his hands, and performs what looks to be a relaxing head massage on The Viper. I wonder how much he charges for extras. Just as Rowan went to tickle the balls, Orton tries for to hit an RKO but Rowan blocks it. Orton whips Erick into the corner and scores big with a huge DDT off the top rope. Thez press from Orton and I can feel a migraine coming on.
As Rowan gets to his feet, Randy charges at him full speed, but Erick presses him up and catches him in midair with a sick looking chokeslam. That was honestly the most awesome spot I’ve ever seen in this game. Cover, but Orton kicks out at the very last second. Orton gets to his feet and reverses a right hand into a full nelson. No! This is the very same move that Bryan tapped out to earlier! However, Rowan isn’t a complete girl and manages to survive. Shoulder block from Rowan, followed by another one as Rowan’s clearly adopted his own version of the Five Moves Of Doom. Right hand from Rowan reversed into an RKO! No! Come on Rowan! One, two… Rowan kicks out! Randy charges at Rowan again but clearly hasn’t learnt his lesson, as Rowan catches him with a bearhug, and the pain proves too much to bear (heh) for Orton as he taps the fuck out! Erick Rowan is your new World Champ.
PS3 says: Winner and new WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Erick Rowan ladies and gentleman.
Freeman says: Yep, this is exactly what’s going to happen on Sunday folks. May as well book it now WWE.