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Posted in: Freestyling
Freestyling: Weeeeeeeeell... It's The Big Swerve
By Freeman
Nov 12, 2013 - 7:10:46 AM


1999

Wow, that's a whopper! I've a never seen one that big before! It's so long, and just look at the fucking girth on that thing! Oh, and it looks like it's rock hard too; I can tell this is going to be a lot of fun. I'm not entirely sure how it's going to fit in there though, but I sure as hell can't wait to find out.

2000

Perhaps it's not quite as fulfilling as I thought it would be. Yeah, sure it's big, but once it gets in there it doesn't really do a lot. I thought it was me at first, like, maybe I just have to get used to it, but when push comes to shove it's not that exciting. But fuck, on the other hand, it's absolutely massive, and you do get a few pops out of it now and then. Maybe I should keep going and see if it gets any better.

2001

This clearly isn't working out. Yeah, I know it's big, but it's also fat, awkward and kinda hairy. It's also got a big fucking head that looks ridiculous, and it smells. Bad. When I saw it for the first time, I thought I'd hit the jackpot, but to be completely honest, I'd much prefer a smaller, skinnier one that could satisfy me more than this monstrosity. I don't know, maybe it'll be one of those things that I learn to accept with time.

2002

Is that a mole?

2003

Oh my God, I hate the way it sweats after it's only been in action for three minutes. And why does it keep flipping backwards and forwards like that? I just don't know what to...



Alright dude, I'm gonna have to stop you there. What the fuck are you talking about?

Watching Big Show's WWE run of course. The fuck did you think I was talking about? And stop interrupting me, douchebag, I've still got ten more years to get through...




***





Big Show gets a lot of flack from the internet. Unfairly, in my opinion. One of the main criticisms levelled at the Giant, is that his character has flipped between heel and face so many times over the years that it's difficult to take him seriously anymore. Well, to that I say; poppycock. Big Show hasn't turned that many times since he debuted in WWE. Sure, he started out as a heel in 1999, then turned face like a month later when he punched Vince McMahon and joined The Union, then turned heel again by teaming up with The Undertaker, then turned face again when Big Bossman was taking the piss out of his father dying, then turned heel again when he attacked The Rock, all of this was within a year of joining the company by the way, then turned face again when he started doing comedic impression of other wrestlers, then turned heel again by attacking The Undertaker and joining up with Shane McMahon, then turned face again during the Invasion angle, then turned heel again by attacking Steve Austin and joining the NWO, then turned face again by, fuck, what did he do to turn face again? Then turned heel again when he was drafted to ECW by beating Rob Van Dam with the help of Paul Heyman, then turned face again when he returned at No Way Out 2008, then turned heel again by attacking Rey Mysterio, then turned face again when he started feuding with The Great Khali, then turned heel again when he saved Vickie Guerrero from The Undertaker, then turned face again when he knocked out The Miz, then turned heel again when he helped John Laurinaitis defeat John Cena, then kind of became a tweener after knocking out Roman Reigns and feuding with The Shield, then turned heel again by knocking out his tag team partners, Randy Orton and Sheamus at Wrestlemania and finally turned face again when he started feuding with Triple H and The Authority, but that's only 19 turns in the 14 years that Big Show's been in WWE, not forgetting the countless turns he experienced when he was in WCW, so I don't know what everyone's moaning about really.

It's also apparent that a lot of people don't want to see Big Show as the main babyface feuding with the Authority at the moment, and they hate the fact that he's getting a title shot against Randy Orton at Survivor Series instead of Daniel Bryan. I'm personally loving the idea. I have no desire to see Bryan put on another technical masterclass in a Pay Per View main event, getting me all excited at the prospect of him winning the WWE Title in the process. Nor do I want to see a rising star such as Cody Rhodes get a chance at winning the championship at one of the big four Pay Per Views. No, what I really want to see, is Big Show's slow, methodical style pitted against Randy Orton's even slower, methodical style. Yeah, I might be heavily invested in Daniel Bryan's character, but I'm like, fucking eight million times more invested in Big Show's character than I am with Bryan's, so I can't wait to see the Giant attempt to win the WWE Title at Survivor Series in two weeks. With that in mind, let's take a look at the top five reasons for why I'm so invested in Big Show's character:



The Top 5 Reasons For Why I'm So Invested in Big Show's Character:




5) The Big Rig

There's nothing like driving a vehicle into a WWE arena and wreaking havoc to let the world know you're a legit badass. Stone Cold drove a beer truck to the ring and soaked the McMahons in beer. Kurt Angle a milk truck in the arena and soaked the Alliance with milk. Big Show drove a big rig into a WWE arena and, erm, posed for the fans. Well, I guess that's still a badass thing to do, and hey, the price of beer is pretty expensive these days; you can't just go spraying that shit everywhere willy nilly.

4) The Knock Out Punch.

I just love the psychology of Big Show's K.O Punch. Here's a move that apparently can knock a man out until Christmas morning or something, sometimes causing serious head trauma and, in some cases, serious injury. So it makes perfect sense that, armed with a weapon of such devastation that can be executed in the blink of an eye, Big Show would get in the ring every night and wrestle a completely normal match, rather than just lay his opponent out at the first opportunity he gets.

3) His Face

He does have a beautiful face.

2) The Ironclad Contract

When I negotiate with my boss for the purpose of continuing my employment at the total shithole firm fantastic company I work for with all those backstabbing corporate fuckheads who I wish would be attacked and eaten alive by a group of furious European badgers my friends, I hope I can negotiate a deal similar to the one Big Show struck with John Laurinaitis last year. What I really want, is an ironclad contract where I can do whatever I want without the fear of being fired, only to be terminated when the occasion suits the company.

1) His Awesome Drawing Ability

No, not his awesome ability to sketch compelling and surprisingly life like portraits of other people, although that reminds me, I must get him to draw me that revealing yet tasteful nude portrait of myself that I keep meaning to get done, but his incredible power of being able to pop PPV buy rates and spike television ratings almost at will. Case in point: The Monday 4th November edition of RAW, where I still can't get the sound of several million remote controls changing the channel during the third hour of the show out of my head. Oh... Right. Perhaps not the best example. However, in fairness to WWE, Big Show does have an unrivalled record of drawing huge numbers over the last fourteen years since he's joined the company, so they were absolutely correct with their decision to insert him into the programme with the Authority. Because I didn't want CM Punk or someone like that in this feud, I wanted the Big Show.


So, to sum up, 3+4=7. Also, in conclusion, Big Show is awesome. The superb booking he's benefited from since the day he walked into WWE has all lead up to this point, where fans take him so seriously that they tune out when he's in a prominent segment on RAW. Hey, at least he's better than that talentless little fuck Daniel Bryan, right? With that in mind, I leave you with this. One of my favourite wrestling books of all time is “The Death of WCW”, which essentially explains all the stupid things WCW did that drove the company into the ground, kind of like what Hustle is doing in his columns at the moment. In the book is a quote that best sums up Big Show's fantastic career in WWE, which I have written out below:




“One man who managed to get out of WCW before it all hit the fan was Paul Wight, a.k.a the Giant, who made his WWF debut at the St. Valentine's Day Massacre PPV from Memphis on February 14. He came from under the ring, interfering in a Vince McMahon versus Steve Austin cage match and accidentally assisting Austin's win. The WWF, having had so much success with Andre the Giant, had always had an eye on Wight. McMahon repeatedly ridiculed Wight's WCW run, saying the idiots there had no idea how to book a man as a giant. He then proceeded to spend several years booking Wight (who took on the ring name Big Show) a million times worse than WCW had done on their most inept day. In fact, just weeks after his debut, he was presented as just another doofus doing a clean pinfall job to Austin.”



Get ready for some exciting television folks!

~Fin.










Oh shit, I almost forgot to say thank you to a special someone before I go:




Dear Sean Paul,

You don't know me, but I'm writing to you to say this: Thank you. I owe you my life. For the last two and a half weeks, I've been in a coma that doctors thought I would never wake up from. At one point, they were even considering switching off the life support machine and sentencing me to eternal rest. Then, one fateful day, I heard your music on the radio, and I simply had to wake up from me deep sleep so I could switch it off.

Yours faithfully,

Freeman.

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