Freestyling: TLC Predictions using PS3 (and WWE 2K14!)
Dec 12, 2013 - 3:05:42 PM
It's only been three weeks since I last did this so that must mean it's time for another WWE Pay Per View. TLC is this Sunday ladies and gents, and for those of you that don't know, TLC stands for Tables, Ladders and Handicap Matches, so expect this one to be a real vag tingler. For the first time readers out there, allow me to explain just what on God's earth is going on here. I take each match that, at the current time of writing, is scheduled to take place at this Sunday's TLC Pay Per View, and simulated them in WWE's brand spanking new video game “WWE 2K14”, which I picked up on the cheap the other day. I set the computer to control all the characters, with the difficulty on “Legend” while I sat back and watched the action unfold. Below is what the PS3 reckons is going to happen on Sunday, as well as my predictions for the event. Right, enough of the shit, let's start with the fatal four way tag team match.
Cody Rhodes and Goldust vs Ryback and Curtis Axel vs Big Show and Rey Mysterio vs The Real Americans (Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro) (Fatal Four Way tag team match for the WWE Tag Team Championship)
Hey WWE, thanks a lot for booking a bunch of matches that I have great difficulty recreating in your shitty games. Cody Rhodes was out first sporting a nice moustache, followed by Ryback, then Big Show and lastly Antonio Cesaro. Unfortunately, Goldust, Curtis Axel, Rey Mysterio and Jack Swagger were all attacked and eaten alive by a group of carnivorous long nosed armadillos prior to the match, meaning they won't be taking part, leaving this one to be a standard fatal four way.
Big Show started things off with a body slam on Ryback. Fucking Big Show gets on my nerves so much. Now that I've got this new game where everything's all new and supposedly more realistic, it's pretty clear that he's just as boring and just as shit as ever before. In fact, that's inspired me to write an open letter to the big man:
Dear Big Show,
Now that I've got this new game where everything's all new and supposedly more realistic, it's pretty clear that you're just as boring and just as shit as ever before. Please stop wrestling.
PS: You have such a fat face.
To be honest, this match was hard to follow when you've got all different things going on all at the same time. Kind of like watching an orgy. Eventually, Ryback hit Cesaro with a Meat Hook Clothesline and won the match.
PS3 says: Winners and new Tag Team Champions: Ryback & Curtis Axel.
Freeman says: Can't really see the point in taking the gold off of the Rhodes boys here, so I'll say Goldust and Cody Rhodes retain the titles.
CM Punk vs The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins) (3 on 1 Handicap Match)
So I'm guessing this match is going to utilise tag team rules, meaning that The Shield won't all be in the ring at the same time. Thanks for clearing that up for me WWE; you're so helpful sometimes. CM Punk was out first to a huge pop, but then again so was Zack Ryder when I was messing around with the game earlier. Guess this crowd is easily pleased. Out next was The Shield to a pretty badass entrance and this one can get going.
Punk and Ambrose start and do about 173 different moves before I've even had the chance to start typing. Sweet mother of fuck this game is fast. Northern lights suplex from Punk which Ambrose kicks out of. Punk lifts Dean up by the hair but Ambrose hits a nasty looking drop kick to Punk's legs and takes him out. Not to be outdone, Punk gets back up and scores a drop toe hold, however, Ambrose was quick to get to his feet and blind Chigago Made with a rake to the eyes. Guess the referee missed that one. Punk with a swinging neckbreaker. Punk with another swinging neckbreaker. Ambrose with a running neckbreaker. Ambrose with a neckbreaker. I'm pleased to announce this game is just as shit as the last one. Ambrose then tags out to Roman Reigns. Electric chair from Reigns, no not the wrestling move but the death penalty. Told you this one could get extreme. Punk kicked out at one. Holy shit, what's The Shield got to do to beat this guy?
STO from Reigns. Russian leg sweep from Punk. Wrestling moves have funny names. CM then follows it up with a spinning wheel kick, and, surprisingly, another neckbreaker. Rake to the eyes from Reigns. Hello? Stevie Wonder? Is that you? Could you come and referee this handicap match between CM Punk and The Shield because I think you could do a better job. Another swinging neckbreaker from Punk. This is so exciting, and the total silence from the crowd just goes to show you how good it is. Reigns with a neckbreaker. I think I just pissed my pants. Rollins got the tag and immediately rushes over to Punk and hits a sweet dropkick. That's more like it. Rollins then throws Punk to the outside and oh look at that, all three members of The Shield are hammering away on the Cookie Monster as the ref just lets it go. Eventually, Punk gets tossed back in the ring and Rollins tags out to Ambrose, who promptly locks in a Cobra Clutch which causes Punk to tap out.
What a load of bollocks that was.
PS3 says: Shit the bed, what a surprise, The Shield. How could a computer simulation possibly favour three guys against one?
Freeman says: On paper, CM Punk has no chance against all three members of The Shield. However, it did look as if WWE were teasing a Hounds of Justice split on last Monday's RAW, so I guess a miscommunication between the members could give Punk the victory here. However, I'm going to go with a Shield win to continue this feud, with Punk enlisting the help of a couple other wrestlers to get his revenge at some point in the next few weeks.
Natalya vs AJ Lee (Divas Championship)
So it's AJ Lee
for the prize of
who's got the best ass the Divas Title...
Yeah I'm too busy looking at those pictures to provide an accurate commentary. Natalya won anyway.
PS3 says: Winner and new Divas Champion: Natalya.
Freeman says: Natalya has looked pretty strong in recent weeks, and I have been predicting a Divas Title switch onto one of the Total Divas cast for a while now, so I could see it happening. However, AJ is still going strong holding the belt for now, so I'll play safe and say she retains here.
Damien Sandow vs Big E Langston (Intercontinental Championship)
I point blank refuse to pay £6.49 to download the pack to get Big E Langston as a playable character. Sorry Big E, I like you and all but it takes me like a whole day to earn that kind of money, so I think I'll pass. Therefore, to ensure the most accurate simulation possible, Langston will be played by Sin Cara, a man with a style almost identical to Dolph Ziggler's former bodyguard. Sandow out first followed by Langston, who dashes to the ring and somersaults off the rope for his entrance. Intercontinental Titile is held up and this one can begin.
Sandow starts off strong with a body slam and a belly to belly suplex. Langston missed a spinning wheel kick. Snapmare and a jawbreaker from Sandow, who then charges at Langston and hits a float over DDT. Beautiful. Langston with a hurricanrana. You learn that one from Cena Big E? Langston whips Sandow into the corner, bounces off the top rope and scores an arm drag. Langston's new Lucha style is proving to be quite effective. Big E then connects with a running tilt-a-whirl arm drag and follows it up with a springboard cross body. Very nice. However, it seems as if Sandow has found an answer to Langston's quickness and high flying agility, as he smashes his face with an elbow, connects with a hip toss and finishes the sequence with a spinebuster for the near fall. Sandow has taken to relentlessly targeting Big E's midsection, then resorting to the heel tactic of trying to rip his mask off. Langston is a respected luchadore, so you can stop that right now Sandow you helmet. Langston whips Damien into the corner and executes a superb hurricanrana off the top rope. No wonder he was such a big star in Mexico. Langston went for a diving cross body off the top rope but missed, allowing Sandow to take charge. Seeing his opponent lying motionless on the floor, the Intellectual Saviour of the Masses hit the Cubito Aequet and picked up the one two three to become the new Intercontinental Champion,
PS3 says: Winner and new champion: Damien Sandow.
Freeman says: WWE might want to get the Intercontinental Title off of Langston and move him onto bigger and better things, but it's way too soon to start doing shit like that. A title change could actually hurt Langston here, particularly as he's only had it for about ten minutes, so I'll go for a Langston win.
Daniel Bryan vs The Wyatt Family (Bray Wyatt, Erick Rowan & Luke Harper) (3 on 1 Handicap Match)
I had to download some CAWs for the entire Wyatt Family for the purposes of this simulation. I'm so glad this new game is up to date. Although to be fair, the CAWs of Rowan and Harper looked great. However, Bray Wyatt looked more like Angel Batista from Dexter in his Hawain shirt and Fedora, than the leader of the Wyatt family. Bryan came out yelling “no.” I'm so glad this game is new game is up to date.
Bryan starts off by charging at Harper, who counters whatever it was Bryan was trying to do into a backdrop. No, not the wrestling move, but the painted cloth hung at the back of a theatre stage as part of the scenery. However, Bryan was undeterred, and upon getting to his feet, scores a devastating combination of a drop kick, an armdrag, and a stomp. Fuck that's gotta hurt, told you things could get extreme. Harper with an armdrag. Bryan with an armdrag. You can't both target the same body parts on each other you lazy cunts. Snapmare from Harper followed by punches to the face. Fucking loads of punches to the face. Hey, it's a good thing Bryan isn't getting married any time soon Harper, so feel free to rearrange his face as you see fit you inconsiderate bastard. Bryan gets back up, goes for a right hand but Harper counters into an enzuigiri. That's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. German suplex from Bryan to Harper, who quickly tags to Erick Rowan. Will the Wyatts continue with their new found martial arts crossover style that so totally fits their backwoods cult gimmick? Find out as this match rolls on.
Belly to back suplex from Bryan to Rowan with the greatest of ease. Bryan then whips ginge into the corner and performs a hurricanrana off the top rope. This is how it's done Punk you poo head. Rowan gets back up and hits an STO for a near fall. Ooohhh. Rowan then whips the bearded one to the outside but gets caught by Bryan, who promptly locks in the Yes Lock on the outside floor. Bryan used to do that all the time in the old game...
Infuriating. Anyway, back in the ring and Rowan locks in a sleeper hold on Bryan, but the American Dragon reverses it into a jawbreaker. Bryan then nails the Wyatt member with that sick looking kick to the head that he does, but Rowan gets up and knocks down the Dazzler with a shoulder tackle. Rowan kicks Bryan in the gut, scores a chokeslam and picks up the victory for his team. What a surprise, three guys beat the fuck out of one guy again. Although in fairness, Bray Wyatt didn't actually get in the match so it was only two guys, but we're splitting pubic hairs here.
PS3 says: The Wyatt Family wins.
Freeman says: Bryan could pull off the upset here, but WWE really wants to push those Wyatts as main event level players. With Bryan's recent Slammy wins and his ridiculous crowd reaction on RAW the other night, a loss here wouldn't hurt him too much, and you can bet WWE is thinking the same. Wyatt Family wins.
John Cena vs Randy Orton (Tables, Ladder and Chairs Match for the World Heavyweight Championship and the WWE Championship)
So here it is, a huge match which has had a grand total of fuck all build up but somehow I'm still really looking forward to it. John Cena came out first followed by Randy Orton to a face reaction. Never mind.
Orton starts with a backbreaker. Orton whips Cena to the apron and nails his patented second rope DDT. Typical slow, methodical start from Orton. Thez press from Orton followed by a gutbuster. Hey Randy, can you please revert back to your old style of taking ten minutes to execute three stomps so I can take the piss out of you. Cena gets back into it with a hip toss, a back suplex and finally the exact same suplex he just did. Great game everyone, can't recommend it highly enough. Cena then drops to the outside and grabs a chair, but quickly drops it as soon as he sees Orton following him outside. I'm not sure about the storytelling here. Cena scores with a hurricanrana. Funnily enough it doesn't look as bad when he does it in this game.
With both men still on the outside, Cena sets up a ladder and starts climbing to the top. You won't reach the titles from there John. Well not unless you secretly have arms like a gorilla. Actually, come to think of it, I wouldn't put it passed WWE to book that. Anyway, Orton quickly knocks Cena off the ladder and hits a body slam followed by two Angle slams on the outside floor. This is sheer brutality, no not the moves, but the inevitable Twitter rant that Kurt's bound to embark on once he discovers someone else is stealing his act. Kick to the gut from Orton followed by a motherfucking RKO on the steel steps! Shit just got real son! However, Cena gets straight back up and sells it like Orton just spent the last twenty seconds tickling his penis. Orton tries to grab a ladder, but Cena bulldogs Orton's smug face onto it instead. John then picks up a table and smashes it into Orton's stomach. Both men eventually get back in the ring, however Cena's bought a ladder with him. Seeing the danger, Randy kicks Cena in the gut and DDTs the fuck out of him, causing the World Heavyweight Champion to bleed profusely. Orton sets up the ladder, climbs to the top and grabs hold of the briefcase. Wait, what? Briefcase? Oh yeah that's right,
I forgot to assign this as a title match both championship belts are actually inside the briefcase, for convenience you see. As Orton hangs onto the briefcase for dear life, Cena grabs the Viper's legs and powerbombs him right in the middle of the ring. Randall gets to his feet, which prompts Cena to charge at the Apex Predator, however Orton lifted him up and caught him in mid air with a sick looking RKO. Holy shit that was cool. Orton begins climbing the ladder again, grabs the briefcase and this time wins the match and the titles. TLC goes off the air with Orton celebrating his title victory.
PS3 says: Randy Orton wins. Fucking great match.
Freeman says: I'm seeing a lot of rumours suggesting that this one will end in some kind of no contest, or with both men grabbing the other's title. I could see that happening, as a match of this magnitude really belongs on a Wrestlemania card. However, my gut is telling me that WWE will indeed unify both titles at this Sunday's Pay Per View, and that Randy Orton will be the one to come out victorious. Should be a great match nonetheless.
So according to my PS3, we're going to have three title changes this Sunday and Randy Orton will be the new Undisputed Champion or whatever WWE wants to call him. Glad to know that absolutely nothing's changed in WWE's new game. Also, I was going to simulate the pre show match of Dolph Ziggler vs Fandango, but as was the case with Big E Langston, I'm not paying £6.49 to download Fandancunt, and why the hell are these two even wrestling anyway? I must've missed something in the storyline there. As for the event itself, I must admit, I've got mixed feelings about it. Yes, John Cena vs Randy Orton hasn't had a lot of build up, but a match between the two always delivers and carries that big fight feel with it. However, the rest of the card is pretty shit if I'm being honest. I think it was Justin Credible that made the point that, with the CM Punk and Daniel Bryan handicap matches, we're essentially getting the same story twice in one night. I'd expect to see these matches taking place on an episode of RAW or Smackdown, not a PPV where fans are expected to part with their hard earned money. I suspect WWE realises that fans will probably pay for the Randy Orton/John Cena main event alone, so that's why the rest of the card is pretty meh and comes across as lacking any thought. With that being said, I'll probably be watching Sunday night, but only because I've got a feeling we'll be witnessing a classic between Cena and Orton. Or I might continue Googling epic pictures of WWE Diva ass. Whichever, really.