Freestyling: Survivor Series Predictions Using PS3
Nov 22, 2013 - 8:00:53 AM
So I'm looking down the card for this Sunday's Survivor Series Pay Per View, staring at the whopping six matches that have been announced so far, and I can't help but think to myself shit, this feels more like one of those special three hour editions of RAW that WWE used to do back when the 'A' show was only two hours long, rather than one of the biggest PPV of the WWE calendar. However, this isn't the time to complain, instead let's predict what's going to happen at this Sunday's event using a Japanese home entertainment system. For those of you new to this shindig, allow me to explain how it works. I take each match that is, at the current time of writing, scheduled to take place at the Survivor Series Pay Per View, and simulated them in the WWE 13 video game. I set the computer to control each character, with the difficulty on 'Legend' and sat back and watched the action unfold. Below is my account of the all the random shit that happened, and I'll also be offering up my predictions as well.
Oh, and before anyone asks, no I haven't got WWE 2K14 yet, so WWE 13 will have to suffice. Last year, I rushed out and bought WWE 13 on the day of its release and regretted every minute of it, because quite frankly I think the game is shite. However, I hear that '14 has made significant improvements to the Universe mode, so I'll probably give in and snap it up in the next couple of weeks, meaning TLC will be the first predictions column to use the new game. I also hear that significant improvements have been made to the AI, meaning the computer makes more realistic and intelligent decisions. However...
Where's the fun in that?
Alberto Del Rio vs John Cena (World Heavyweight Championship)
Alberto Del Rio is out first to a fabulous Ricardo Rodriguez introduction, followed by John Cena to a massive pop. Of all the ridiculous and unrealistic things that happen in this game, that unanimous John Cena face pop is easily number one.
Del Rio starts off like a house on fire, throwing hands and feet everywhere and countering a Cena clothesline into a tilt a whirl backbreaker. Fucking yes. Cena counters with a clothesline. Cena with a back suplex. Del Rio with a back suplex. Cena with a back suplex. Del Rio with a back suplex. Freeman with a back suplex, dumping himself on his head so he doesn't have to watch this anymore.
To give you an idea of just how exciting this match was, let's take a look at my unedited notes for the next three minutes below:
suplex from del rio. back suplex from del rio. drop toe hold. german suplex from del rio. back suplex from cena. drop toe hold from del rio. scoop slam from cena. nice chain wrestling sequence from ghe two. Back suplex from del rio. cena with a headlock, if I see another suplex i think I;m going to piss my pants. belly to back suplex from del rio, kicks to back, targets arm with a kick, back suplex from cena, belly to belly suplex from del rio, enziguiri, cover, one.
Scintillating. Things are livening up a bit though, as Del Rio scores a drop toe hold, followed by a regular armbreaker, followed by the Cross Arm Breaker. That's more like it. Cena escapes, whips Del Rio into the corner and lifts him to the top rope, however Del Rio kicks Cena in the face and nails him with a double axe handle. Nice. Del Rio goes for a powerbomb but Cena counters it into a DDT. Yes. Del Rio then whips Cena into the corner and hits an Enziguiri. YES. Del Rio went for a clothesline which Cena counters into an Attitude Adjustment. FUCK YES! I think I just orgasmed. Del Rio kicks out, Cross Arm Breaker! Will Cena tap? No! This is getting really good. Cena gets to his feet, Del Rio rolls him up and gets the one two three. Just as things were getting really exciting, it had to stop really quickly. At least I didn't get caught this time. As for the match, it was alright I guess.
PS3 says: Winner and new World Heavyweight Champion: Alberto Del Rio.
Freeman says: Winner and still World Heavyweight Champion: John Cena. I'm predicting that Cena holds on to the title throughout Wrestlemania, and I don't see the Mexican Aristocrat pissing on his cornflakes here.
CM Punk & Daniel Bryan vs The Wyatt Family (Luke Harper & Eric Rowan)
I downloaded some pretty sweet Luke Harper and Eric Rowan Keating CAWs a little while ago, so there's no need to rush out and buy WWE's latest shitty game just yet. Daniel Bryan and CM Punk out first, followed by the two Wyatts to generic rock music, which sort of buried their gimmick really, so props for that WWE 13 virtual creative team.
Punk and Rowan start out. Punk with a DDT followed by a hurricanrana, which he executes so well, must've learnt it from Cena. Elbow from Rowan, who then whips Punk into the corner and tags out to Luger Hacker as he's referred to by the announcers. Adamle, is that you feeding them their lines? Harper immediately whips Punk into the corner and tags out, so I guess he's the real workhorse of this team. The Wyatts then hit Punk with a double team elbow smash to the face thing, but Punk gets back up and spinning wheel kicks Harper right in his hairy face, before tagging out to Daniel Bryan and his hairy face. Power slam from Rowan. Suplex from Rowan followed by a standing senton. Classic big man offence from Rowan. Neckbreaker from Bryan but Rowan gets back up and rakes the eyes of the Bearded One. Rowan then whips Bryan into the corner and scores a tornado DDT from the top rope. Nice. Back suplex into a bridge from Rowan, who it turns out is quite the technician. Eric then whips Bryan into the corner and connects beautifully with a running dropkick, lifts Bryan onto the turnbuckle and executes a Stone Cold Stunner from the top rope. This is fucking ridiculous. Rowan then slaps a camel clutch on Bryan, who taps out. Wait, what? That's it? Fuck, guess these guys aren't getting paid by the hour.
PS3 says: Wyatt Family wins. Maybe I need to think about picking up WWE 2K14 after all.
Freeman says: I could see a Wyatt Family win here. WWE wants to build them up as the new main event heel stable, and a win for them would go a long way in doing just that. Mind you, they could still look strong in defeat, and Bryan could probably do with a victory as well. I'll go for a Punk and Bryan win, but this feud will most likely continue with a gimmick match at the TLC Pay Per View.
Cody Rhodes and Goldust, The Usos (Jimmy & Jey Uso) & Rey Mysterio vs. The Shield (Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns) and The Real Americans (Antonio Cesaro & Jack Swagger) (Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Tag Team Match)
Goldust and Cody Rhodes out first. Unfortunately, The Usos, Antonio Cesaro and Jack Swagger had all signed up for a class in cunnilingus prior to this match, so they won't be taking part. Rey Mysterio is out next, but he nearly blew his knee out walking to the ring and was limping for the last part of his entrance, but thankfully he was still OK to wrestle. The Shield are out last and this thing can get going.
This match went on for fucking ages. Seriously, I think I had a birthday at some point during this one. I won't bother writing up the play by play, because I think I'd melt the internet or something, so here are the highlights. Roman Reigns was eliminated by Cody Rhodes with Cross Rhodes, Seth Rollins was eliminated by Cody Rhodes with Cross Rhodes, and Dean Ambrose was eliminted by, yes you guessed it, Rey Mysterio with a running dropkick. Great stuff. Somehow, this all took 48 minutes, during which I found myself questioning the choices I've made in life. Also, there was a lot of blood, and, at some point, Rey Mysterio's kneecap fell off, which will probably require surgery, meaning that Rey is going to miss up to seventeen months of action.
PS3 says: The Shield get their arses well and truly handed to them, not even managing one elimination as Cody Rhodes, Goldust, The Usos and Rey Mysterio take the victory.
Freeman says: The Shield haven't looked great in recent weeks, so I reckon they'll pick up the win here to even out their booking. Also, if you believe the reports, Roman Reigns is currently being discussed as one for the future by WWE officials, so he'll probably come out of this one looking quite strong.
Natalya, The Bella Twins (Brie and Nikki Bella), The Funkadactyls (Naomi and Cameron), Eva Marie, & JoJo vs. AJ Lee, Tamina Snuka, Kaitlyn, Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendes, Aksana, & Summer Rae (Traditional Survivor Series Elimination Tag Team match)
Didn't really pay much attention to this match because
I couldn't be arsed with it I had to, wait, that was actually right, I couldn't be arsed with it. Hey WWE, for the last 907 years, traditional Survivor Series matches have always been 5 on 5, so how the hell can you brand a 7 on 7 match as 'traditional?' Hey everyone, you're all invited to my house this year on Christmas day, where I'll be serving up a generous helping of good old fashioned traditional roast beef. Anyway, The Funkadactyls, Eva Marie, JoJo, Tamina Snuka, Rosa Mendes, Aksana and Summer Rae were all backstage having a competition to see who could cut the smelliest fart, so this one was reduced to a more PS3 friendly 3 on 3. Eventually, someone rolled up AJ Lee and got the victory.
Oh, and before anyone pipes in with it, no, Mickie James will not be at my house for Christmas this year.
PS3 says: Natalya, The Bella Twins, The Funkadactyls, Eva Marie, JoJo, Paige, Maryse, Trish Stratus, Lita, Mae Young, Christina Aguilera, Beyonce, Phoenix Marie and The Miz get the win.
Freeman says: The Total Divas lot will probably win here. They've got a new show to promote, which will lead to Brie Bella ending her feud with AJ with the rubber match on RAW sometime in the next month.
Big E Langston vs Curtis Axel (Intercontinental Championship)
Curtis Axel out first followed by Soulberg. Before we get started here, let me be the first to admit that I didn't think Langston would work out as a face when he turned not so long ago, but I've got to say, the dude is impressing me with his work so far. He's getting a good crowd reaction and hopefully he'll have a nice Intercontinental Title run and embark on a slow build to the top. However, knowing WWE, he'll have won the WWE Title by the time TLC rolls round.
Looking over my notes for this match, the first five or six lines are just a bunch of moves that Langston performed on Axel, so I think it's safe to say that the young Henning didn't start out very well. In fact, Axel's first bit of offence was a rake to the eyes of Langston, followed by a mean looking elbow to the nose. Langston then continues kicking the shit out of Axel until, oh hey look, it's 2014 already. Knee strike thing from Langston. That's code for I don't know what that move he just did is called. At least I'm honest about it Michael Cole. Axel with more elbows to Big E. Lots of elbows in fact. To the face, neck, shoulder blades, wang. This is getting brutal. Axel charges at Langston but Big E catches him with a spinebuster. Fucking sweet. Will Curtis Axel find a way back into this match? Will Big E Langston reprise his role as Carlton Banks in Fresh Prince of Bel Air? Find out after this message from our sponsors...
Boston crab from Langston. Axel fights out of it with the heart of a lion. And the toilet habits of one. Running drop toe hold from Axel. Well, that's the first time I've seen one of those. Big E whips Axel into the corner, lifts him up to the top rope and performs a Last Call off the top rope. Now that's what I'm talking about. Batista bite from Langston. Tap out Axel you girl. Axel escapes and both men drop to the outside, where Axel promptly hits his neckbreaker finisher thingy, on the outside. Silly cunt. Both men eventually make it back inside, where Big E hits a move of some description, but I didn't see it because I was too busy
masturbating to assorted celebrity sex tapes typing on my computer. Langston goes for the cover and wins the match.
PS3 says: Big E Langston wins.
Freeman says: Curtis Axel wins and continues his mega push to go on and become the biggest drawing wrestler, actor and overall media personality of all time.
In all seriousness, Big E gets the win here. The Curtis Axel experiment is over, they tried it, it didn't work, and now we can get on with our lives.
Big Show vs Randy Orton (WWE Championship)
So it's the one
no one everyone's been waiting for. Big Show out first to some resounding boos, followed by Orton to a huge pop. Huh? Oh yes of course, this game is now a year out of date. Anyway, the WWE Title is held up and this one's underway.
Big show with a big headbutt to the arm to start things off. Interesting strategy. Show follows up with an STO. Five points to anyone who can pick out a Big Show match that started off like this. Another headbutt to the arm from Show, but Orton counters with a Thez press. Another STO from The Giant. I'm starting to notice a pattern here. Orton with a chopblock. Stomp, another stomp, a third stomp, followed by another stomp. Orton nails a neckbreaker, and hits a stomp, another stomp, followed by another, stomp. STO from Show. Fuck this.
Orton has started targetting the legs, which I guess is a realistic strategy against a seven foot monster, but then again so is running away. Orton with a chop block followed by yet more stomps. Single leg Boston crab from the Viper, but for absolutely no good reason whatsoever, he lets Big Show escape. Orton then summons that super human strength he's renowned for and hits a back suplex, followed by his patented Orton backbreaker. Cover, one count. This is so exciting. Can you feel my enthusiasm emanating from the page? STO from Show. If I see that move one more time I'm going to run a bath, take a massive dump in the tub, then drown myself in the turd coloured water. Because that's what I'm doing here; drowning in shit. Orton begins to pound the mat as I think about pounding his new girlfriend, and promptly hits an RKO. Cover, one count.
You've got to be kidding me.
Orton whips Show to the outside, but Show counters Orton's attempted offence with a perfectly legal rake to the eyes right in front of the referee. Chokeslam from Show on the outside. The big man then runs back in the ring and seems content to take the count out. Dipshit. Orton beats the count of ten, hits three right hands and nails another RKO from out of nowhere. Cover, one count. I'm not sure the RKO is going to be taken seriously as a legitimate finishing move after this match. STO from Show as I turn the taps on and decide which scented oils I'm going to use in my bath. Show with a bizarre strategy of throwing Orton to the outisde, whipping him back in the ring again, and throwing him to the outside again. Orton, upon getting to his feet, attempts a right hand, but it's countered into a Chokeslam from Show as this shit finally reaches a conclusion. Big Show wins the title.
PS3 says: Big Show wins, new WWE Champion. Unfortunately, I can't see the actual match being much better. Paul Heyman, please come back, all is forgiven.
Freeman says: Quite a tough little shit to predict is this one, although I have a feeling that Randy Orton will hold on to the WWE Title until Wrestlemania now, and Big Show will get his match against Triple H either next month or at the Royal Rumble. Randy Orton either wins, gets himself disqualified or counted out to retain his title.
So that's it then. Two new World Champions and a loss for CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. Oh, and in case anyone cares, The Miz defeated Kofi Kingston in the kick off match, which is probably an accurate prediction given Miz's recent heel turn, a turn which I so predicted in my first Main Page column back in April of this year by the way. As for the show itself, balls to it I say. Punk and Bryan vs The Wyatts isn't really capturing my imagination, and in fact I'd much preferred it if Punk had been inserted into a program with The Authority after his programme with Paul Heyman ended. Actually, personally, I would've loved a traditional 5 on 5 Survivor Series match with Punk, Bryan, Cody Rhodes, Goldust and The Big Show taking on Triple H, Orton and The Shield. That to me has big Survivor Series feel about it, but I understand that WWE needs to have the WWE Title defended on the show, as they would risk a low buy-rate if they didn't, although you could argue they risk a low buy-rate with the shitty card they've put out anyway. So yeah, I won't be watching it. Instead, I'll be spending my Sunday visiting conjunctivitis.com, which, let me tell you, is a real site for sore eyes...