The news that WWE are stealing the concept of this column and blatantly ripping me off comes as a big disappointment to me after I stole the concept of this column and blatantly ripped off whoever it was that did this in the first place. Hello everyone and welcome to my Summerslam predictions using PS3. For those that are new to the ridiculousness, allow me to explain what's going on here. I took each match that's currently scheduled to take place at this Sunday's Summerslam Pay Per View, and simulated them in the WWE video game “WWE 13”, which I have on PS3. I set the difficulty to “Legend” and had the computer control all the characters, while I sat back and had a beer or watched porn or something less important like describe the action. I'll be offering up my predictions on each match as well, but keep in mind that my PS3 correctly predicted that Damien Sandow would win the World Heavyweight Title Money in the Bank Ladder Match last month, so it's quite a formidable opponent. Sometimes. Anyway, let's kick off the mayhem with some mixed tag team action:
Freestyling: Summerslam Predictions Using PS3
Aug 15, 2013 - 5:39:35 PM
Dolph Ziggler & Kaitlyn vs AJ Lee & Big E Langston
I'm a busy man and don't have the time to “check back later” whilst the THQ online servers are fucking about, so I was unable to download a CAW of Big E Langston for this simulation. Pissflaps. Therefore, Big E Langston will be a played by a man who looks just like him, so step forward Primo Colon. Ironically, Primo and AJ do have a little history together, and I'm surprised that WWE has failed to mention Dolph's little affair with Kaityln when she was on NxT as an intriguing sub plot to this match. I love the way things are done these days.
Anyway, Dolph and Kaitlyn were out first followed by AJ and Langston. Dolph and my Kaitlyn CAW look exactly the same. The bell sounded and it was Ziggler and Big E to start things off. Big E with a running drop kick to Dolph. Nice. Langston then immediately tagged out, meaning Kaityln and AJ are legal now, even though AJ never looks legal. Next, AJ hit a back suplex, and immediately tagged back out to Langston. Okay. Dolph re-entered the ring, and promptly got caught with a hurricanrana by Langston. Then, a ridiculous glitch occurred when everyone kept tagging back in and out without doing anything. This went on for about a minute as I tried to come up with the best way to end my life. AJ and Kaitlyn were back in and went back and forth for a bit, but I lost concentration and decided to stare at Kaityln's impressive digitized arse in those tight jeans. Skitz's Decide The Ideal Diva tournament has really fucked me up, and I need to get laid. Trouble is, I don't have any money at the moment...
AJ eventually tagged out to Langston, who was met with a suplex from Ziggler upon re-entering the ring. However, Big E was undeterred and scored big with a float over DDT, followed by a standing senton bomb. The two went into a nice chain wrestling sequence. Ziggler then did a headstand. Langston stood there and did nothing. Chode. Zigger got up, but Langston whipped him into the corner and hit a hurricanrana off the top rope. Ziggler got up and charged at Big E but got caught with an arm drag. Langston then tagged out to AJ. Ziggler had to tag out to Kaitlyn, but AJ wouldn't let him as she kept grabbing hold of him. Dolph, clearly frustrated with the Crazy Chick's antics, proceeded to Irish whip AJ and nail her with a powerslam which lead to an immediate disqualification. He hit a woman! ZOMG WWE R DITCHIN STOOPID PG AND ROLLIN BAK TO DA ATITOOD ERAZ!
PS3 says: AJ Lee and Big E Langston by disqualification after Dolph Ziggler Chris Browned AJ. Superb performance from Langston though, who really showed another side to his ring work tonight...
Freeman says: Oooh tricky. Dolph could do with a win, but WWE has a habit of booking Ziggler like a cunt and could keep this rivalry going with an AJ and Big E win here. Since my PS3 is going with the latter, I'll say that Dolph and Kaitlyn triumph here.
Cody Rhodes vs Damien Sandow
Shit match which I switched off halfway through and decided to simulate in Mortal Kombat II instead, with Cody Rhodes being played by Scorpion and Damien Sandow being played by Sub Zero. Man says “Round 1, Fight!” and here we go.
Low kick from Rhodes to Sandow. Four high punches from Sandow to Rhodes. Rhodes went for Get Over Here but missed. Two more high punches from Sandow. Jumping double back flip, followed by a teleport and high punch from Rhodes to Sandow. Get Over Here and uppercut from Rhodes. Jumping double front flip and high kick from Rhodes. Three high punches from Sandow to Rhodes. Low kick from Rhodes. Sandow blasted the floor with ice, Rhodes slipped, uppercut from Sandow to Rhodes. Jumping high punch from Rhodes. Rhodes uppercuts Sandow onto the spikes for the win. Great match. Psychology was off the chain.
PS3 says: Cody Rhodes wins. Fatality.
Freeman says: Cody Rhodes wins. Yeah, I know Sandow's got the briefcase and needs to look strong, but I reckon this feud will continue past Summerslam, with possibly a Ladder match for the briefcase at the next Pay Per View. A Rhodes win here would set that up just nicely.
Bray Wyatt vs Kane (Ring of Fire Match)
Ring of Fire is a drinking game here in the UK so I simulated this one in my local pub, where there were plenty of opportunities for both men to trade shots. Yeah.
Ring of Fire match, mega lolz WWE. Surprisingly, I decided on the very similar Inferno Match as the backdrop to simulate this contest. Whoever made this CAW of Bray made his beard so dark that it looks like he's wearing a bandanna across his face instead of his usual Duck Dynasty style facial hair. He's also dressed like Freddy Mercury. Both men stare at each other intently from across the ring as Bray prepares to rob a train. Ring is engulfed by fire and here we go.
Total squash from start to finish. Kane absolutely dominated the Wyatt family leader here and poor old Bray hardly got any offence in at all. After about two minutes, Kane rolled Wyatt to the edge of the ring and kicked him into the fire for the win.
PS3 says: Kane wins in a total squash.
Freeman says: Not going to happen. Kane is the go to guy to put young fags over these days, so Bray comes out victorious here.
Natalya (with The Funkadactyls (Cameron and Naomi)) vs. Brie Bella (with Eva Marie and Nikki Bella)
Christian vs Alberto Del Rio (World Heavyweight Championship)
Alberto Del Rio matches are notoriously shit on the PS3 so I didn't pay much attention to this to begin with. However, I totally lost my flow when, about halfway through the match, my roommate burst though the door and asked what the fuck I was doing watching a wrestling game whilst typing on a laptop. To be honest, it felt like she'd caught me masturbating. In fact, to be perfectly honest, I'd have rather she caught me masturbating. It would've been a lot less awkward at breakfast the next morning. Anyway, at some point, Christian went for a grapple, which Del Rio countered into a small package for the win.
PS3 says: Alberto Del Rio wins.
Freeman says: Don't live with chicks if you're a wrestling fan. Also, Alberto Del Rio wins. Christian is merely a filler opponent for the Mexican Aristocrat.
CM Punk vs Brock Lesnar
Punk out first followed by Lesnar. Unfortunately, Paul Heyman accidentally ingested a parasite during a recent backpacking trip in North Africa, causing a large swelling of his genitals and a tendency to soil himself on a regular basis, so he won't be accompanying Brock Lesnar for this match. Bell rings and we're underway.
The match started out with Lesnar utterly dominant, hitting suplex after suplex and generally tossing Punk around like a rag doll. Brock's strategy was clear in these early stages; target the head and neck, because his signature submission move, the Kamura lock, specifically targets the arm. Makes sense. Punk did get the occasional counter in here and there, such as when he reversed a belly to belly suplex into a nice jawbreaker followed with a float over DDT combo, but he wasn't doing much to gain control of the match. Then,
Lex Lesnar Brock Lesnar locked in a torture rack. Will Punk tap? Will he suffer the ultimate humiliation at the second biggest PPV of the year? Will Paul Heyman ever shake off his crippling parasite? Find after this commercial break...
Punk reversed the torture rack into a sick looking DDT. Brock then went back to his suplex tirade, until Punk reversed an Irish whip into a belly to belly suplex and looked to gain control. However, Lesnar was able to get up, kick Punk in the gut and drop his hairy face to the mat with an F5. Punk, despite now bleeding like a stuck pig, went into business for himself by getting straight back up and going into his comeback routine of a kick to the gut, Irish whip, two dropkicks, spinning neckbreaker into a cover for a two count. Punk, now firmly in control, started signalling for the GTS, and promptly nailed it once The Beast got back to his feet. Lesnar, obviously upset with Punk's shenanigans from earlier, kicked out at one. Vince Russo must've booked this match. What next, Punk sandbags a powerbomb attempt? Lesnar eventually regained control and whipped Punk to the apron, however Punk countered with a kick to the gut and a sunset flip for a really close two and a half. Punk then dropped to the apron again and scored big with that springboard clothesline he does so well. Lesnar got to his feet and charged at Chicago Made, but Punk countered whatever it was that Lesnar was trying to do into a pinning combination and a near fall, which Lesnar immediately reversed into his own pinning combination for the win.
PS3 says: Lesnar wins. Great match, shitty finish.
Freeman says: Toughest match to predict all year for me. Punk's lost a lot of high profile matches this year, whereas Lesnar needs to look strong to remain a top draw for WWE. The finish certainly won't be clean whoever WWE decide to go with. I'll go with a Lesnar win, but, similarly to when Punk lost to Triple H a couple of years ago, it will take a herd of wild bulls, a few shots with a bazooka, some dynamite and a nuclear bomb to put Punk away. Kinda like a John Cena match. Except Punk will actually lose. Anyway, Lesnar wins.
Daniel Bryan vs John Cena (WWE Championship with Triple H as Special Guest Referee)
Our special guest referee Triple H is out first followed by Cena followed by Bryan. Hey, wouldn't it be a real punch in the nuts if Bryan won and Orton cashed in tonight? More on that later. Trips holds up the WWE Title and this one's underway.
Cena started off strong with a few takedowns. Bryan on the other hand, wasn't fucking about and went straight for a Batista Bite submission, clearly softening up Cena for the Yes Lock. Cena nailed another takedown and hit a fist drop. Cena then hit a clothesline and nailed another fist drop. At this point, the Champ was very much in control looking for the big power moves, with Bryan occasionally countering with some high impact offence. Bryan then took control and began relentlessly targeting Cena's leg. What another fantastic example of storytelling; target every part of your opponent's body apart from the one that your finishing manoeuvre focuses on. Triple H remained rooted to the spot, staring omniously. We know what you're thinking Hunter, you crafty son bitch.
Cena regained control and hit another fucking fist drop. It's like he only has five moves or something. The two men then dropped to the outside, where Cena aggressively whipped Bryan into the steel steps. Both men then started to chain wrestle, on the outside. Fucking hit each other for fucksake. Bryan then whipped Cena back in as Triple H continued to stare into space. It was pretty much even from this point on, until Bryan knocked Cena to the outside. Cena tried to go for a punch, only for Bryan to catch him and lock in the Yes Lock, on the outside. That's the second time this silly cunt has done that since I've been doing this series. I struggled to contain my laughter as Cena began crawling to the guard rail to try to break the hold. Cena eventually broke the hold and began prepping the announce table. The Champ then whipped Bryan onto the table and elbow dropped him from the top rope breaking said table into pieces. That happens a lot in Cena matches on the PS3. It's like he only has five moves or something.
Once both men were finally back in the ring, Bryan charged at Cena only to be caught with an armdrag. Cena then started doing that thing where he begins squatting like he's about to squeeze out a turd but is actually signalling for the Attitude Adjustment, and lo and behold, he did just that once Bryan got to his feet. However, Bryan kicked up in the style of HBK, but was met with two shoulder tackles from Cena, a sit out powerbomb and a cover. Ooooh, variation. Bryan kicked out at one and tried to fight back with a couple of right hands, but Cena promptly landed another AA. This one proved to be too much for Bryan, with Triple H counting a very reasonably paced one two three to give Cena the victory. Summerslam goes off the air with Cena celebrating retaining his WWE Championship.
PS3 says: John Cena wins.
Freeman says: Daniel Bryan wins. However, just like the last time Triple H was referee at Summerslam, a Money In The Bank cash in takes place. Kevin Nash comes in and nails Bryan with the Jackknife Powerbomb. Orton cashes in and wins the WWE Championship, because WWE have a big tour of Missouri coming up and they need the hometown hero to be champion. Bryan and Nash feud for a bit over a text message or something, but it's never really explained why Nash attacked Bryan. Bryan then loses to Triple H. John Laurinaitis keeps popping up, but his involvement is puzzling too. Bryan's momentum is inexplicably cooled. Triple H and Nash start feuding in even more confusing circumstances. Enjoy the next few months folks.
Well there you have it. Lesnar goes over Punk and Del Rio and Cena both keep hold of their titles. Actually, the PS3 isn't predicting any title changes for Summerslam, but that might be because there aren't many title matches scheduled to take place. Great stuff. There are rumours that Big Show and Mark Henry vs Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns will be added to the card, but at the time of writing, that match isn't official, so I didn't bother running it in the PS3. Oh, and if anyone's interested, Jean Claude Van Damme defeated Dean Ambrose in the pre show after I downloaded the wrong Van Dam. Overall, I'm really looking forward to this Sunday's Pay Per View; the card is pretty loaded and the actual match quality should be of a really high standard. I'm pretty sure that not only will the two main events deliver big time, but the matches of Christian/Del Rio, Sandow/Rhodes and and Kane/Wyatt will be pretty solid at the very least. So yeah, should be a great show. Or it might end up being more pointless than JTG travelling with wrestling gear. Whichever, really.