The Royal Rumble is this Sunday and you all know what that means; time for some more Pay Per View predictions with the help of my PS3. I reckon the whopping four matches are pretty much set in stone for this Sunday's event, so it's now time to consult the oracle known as the PS3 and find out just what is going to happen in Pittsburgh this weekend. For the first time readers, allow me to explain the concept going on here. I take each match that, at the current time in writing, is scheduled to take place at the Royal Rumble Pay Per View, and simulated them in the WWE 2K14 video game, which I have on PS3. I assigned all the characters to be controlled by the computer and set the difficulty to “Legend,” whilst I sat back and pissed my pants at how stupid the AI is on this game. The PS3's account of things is below, and I'll be offering up my predictions to try and bring some sensibility to proceedings. Right, that's enough talk, let's see what's going to happen in the first match when the master of the Yes Lock, Daniel Bryan, steps in the ring with Jase Robertson...
Freestyling: Royal Rumble Predictions Using PS3
Jan 23, 2014 - 10:06:55 AM
Daniel Bryan vs Bray Wyatt
One of the most well planned and logically thought out storylines in recent memory comes to a head at this Sunday's Royal Rumble. I've admired WWE's long term planning and clear direction with this angle for a while now, and I'm eager to see what the outcome is going to be. Bryan is out first followed by my ridiculous Bray Wyatt CAW, and this one can get started.
Bryan starts off like a house on fire with a dropkick, a gutbuster, an arm drag and a pinch to the back of Wyatt. Wait what? A pinch to the back? What's he going to do next, get him in a headlock and give him a noogie? Oh wait, there was a typo in my notes, that was supposed to say a punch to the back. However, Wyatt is undeterred and comes at Byran with some wild strikes. Really wild strikes. Like the feral kind you'd find in the woods or going through people's bins. Wyatt whips Bryan onto the apron and doesn't do anything. Bryan gets back in the ring and scores an armdrag, a back suplex and a few kicks. Interesting offence. Wyatt then whips Bryan onto the apron and does nothing. Take the hint Bryan, Bray doesn't want you in the ring, but he doesn't want you on the outisde either, because you smell. I've just noticed that Wyatt is still wearing the hat that he wears during his entrance. What's even more impressive is how it's stayed on his head throughout Bryan's relentless offence. Bryan gets back in the ring and scores with those Yes kick things that he does, and then locks in the Yes Lock! Er... Yes! Will Bray tap out? Will his fedora still be on his head at the end of the match? Find out after a message from our sponsors...
No, Bray Wyatt did not tap out to the Yes Lock. Bray charges at Bryan but gets caught as Danielson locks in a guillotine! However, this time, Wyatt manages to get to the ropes. Northern lights from Bryan. No, not the suplex, but a beautiful set of brass table lamps from Canada that Bryan presented to Bray as a belated Christmas present. Crossbody from Wyatt, followed up by a standing senton bomb. I need to meet the guy who I downloaded this character from. Bryan kicks up but Bray, sensing impending doom, drops to the outside, however Bryan follows him out and hits his running knee thing, on the outside. Silly cunt. Eventually, both men found their way back in the ring, where Wyatt went for a running clothesline, but caught got and rolled up in a small package for a Daniel Bryan victory.
PS3 says: Daniel Bryan wins.
Freeman says: I know that WWE wants to push Bray Wyatt and his family as main eventers and all, but I'd be shocked if he won here. WWE can't ignore those “Yes” chants, and, now that sports teams are starting to do it and shit, they simply can't ignore Bryan anymore. Bryan gets the win here and wraps up this shitty storyline.
Brock Lesnar vs Big Show
Gee thanks WWE, looking back at my “Dream Matches That I've Always Wanted To See” list, Brock Lesnar vs Big Show comes in at number three, just behind Curt Hawkins vs Doink The Clown and CM Punk vs Adolf Hilter. Show out first followed by Brock Lesnar. Unfortunately, Paul Heyman tripped over backstage and fell into several gallons of horse piss prior to match, so he won't be accompanying his client, Brock Lesnar, to the ring.
Lesnar starts off with three right hands. Most people just have one right and one left. Show counters a clothesline attempt from Lesnar into a drop toe hold. Classic big man match so far this. Takedown from Show, but Lesnar gets up and hits a running belly to belly suplex. Brock charges at the Giant again but Show catches him with a backdrop, and then nails a headbutt to the shoulder, but it looked like he caught him in the armpit. Dirty bastard, what's he going to do next, sniff his bum? Shoulder tackle from Show, followed by an STO. Suplex from Lesnar. Lesnar ducks a clothesline from Big Show and nails a belly to back suplex. Nice. Suplex from Lesnar. You've done that several times already mate. In fact, if Lesnar hits one more suplex I'm off to pour vinegar into my eyes. Shoulder tackle from Show. Suplex from Lesnar. Back in a sec...
The Giant then sticks his thumb in Brock's eyes. Classic good guy/bad guy dynamics in this match, with both men assuming clearly defined roles. Suplex from Lesnar. Fucksake. The Beast then starts stomping on Big Show's wrist. Well that'll stop him masturbating Brock, but I'm not sure how it's going to win you the match. However, faced with the prospect of not being able to watch Backroom Casting Couch for a week, Show quickly puts a stop to Lesnar's assault on his wrist, and hits a back drop. Lesnar gets to his feet, but is promptly hit with a huge spear from The World's Largest Athlete. Show covers but Lesnar kicks out at two. Big Show then Irish whips The Beast straight to the outside, and tries to grab the steel steps, however Lesnar stops him in his tracks with, deep in take of breath, a suplex. This game is so stupid sometimes. Back in the ring, and Show hits an STO, but Lesnar gets up and quickly executes three powerbombs in a row. Fuck that was cool, but the big man kicked out at two. Upon getting to his feet, Show attempts a right hand but Brock counters it into an F5, driving fatty hard into the mat. Cover, one count. And you thought Daniel Bryan was buried. Lesnar, clearly frustrated, scores another huge powerbomb but Big Show kicks out at two. Lesnar tries some more offence, but Show gets to his feet, winds up his fist and nails Lesnar with the Knockout Punch to pick up the win.
PS3 says: Big Show wins. Alright then.
Freeman says: Brock Lesnar wins. Lesnar's either wrestling the Undertaker or competing for the WWE World Heavyweight Title at Wrestlemania, so he has to look good here.
John Cena vs Randy Orton (WWE World Heavyweight Championship)
Wrestling booking 101 here. You have your big, no disqualification, gimmicky gimmick match as the first match in the feud, and then you end it with a traditional wrestling match at the next Pay Per View. Classic stuff. Challenger John Cena is out first followed by Champion Randy Orton and this one is underway.
Cena gets things going with a belly to back suplex, followed by a snapmare and finishing with a running neck twist. However, Orton gets back in it with a belly to belly suplex, some right hands and a takedown, which prompts Cena to counter with a suplex of his own. Shit, is that Brock Lesnar and Big Show in Randy Orton and John Cena disguises in there? Belly to back suplex from Cena, uppercut from Orton. Randy goes for a kick to the gut, but Cena grabbed his leg and went for a dropkick, but the Viper ducked and slammed Cena to the mat. Nice. Question: Why does Randy Orton keep killing condoms? Answer: Because he's the Latex Predator. Cena with a back side slam but Orton gets back up and hits a Thez press, followed by two knees to the face, and finally a knee to the back of the head. Ouch. John ducks a right hand, Orton charges, goes for a clothesline but Cena counters into a hip toss. Slow the fuck down you two, I can't keep up. That's what she said. Cena with a knee to the face of his own, followed by another back side slam, and, upon Randy getting to his feet, another hip toss. Cena really showing off his extensive move set tonight. Meanwhile, Dean Malenko Junior, aka Randy Orton, scores with another Thez press. Cena with an elbow to the face. The Viper pounds the mat, and hits another Thez press. Please stop doing that move you cum bubble. Dropkick from Cena followed by a huge right hand, and then the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Orton eventually gets up but walks right into an Attitude Adjustment, allowing Cena to get the one, two, three. Guess these two aren't being paid by the hour then.
PS3 says: Winner and new WWE World Heavyweight Undisputed King Of The Universe Champion, John Cena.
Freeman says: I wouldn't be surprised if Cena wins here, but rumours are pointing to him having some kind of match with Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania, and I've been saying for a while now that Randy Orton will hold the title right through until Wrestlemania, so I'll stick with that and say Randy Orton wins here.
Royal Rumble Match
Ah the one we've all been waiting for. Even the worse Royal Rumbles are always fun, but I've got a feeling this one could be one of the best ever, what with all the rumoured returns and everything. Also, best thing about this year's Rumble is Batista coming back...
No, not Batista from Dexter, although I'm really impressed with the way that Tommy Dreamer played such an excellent character for eight seasons whilst still continuing as a professional wrestler, but The Animal, Dave Batista, who has single handedly ensured that the Diva's locker room isn't safe for another two years by returning to WWE.
I couldn't work out how to change the order of the participants in this shitty game, so instead I just let the computer randomise the whole thing and pick whichever participants it wanted, in the order it desired. Therefore, CM Punk won't be starting out at number one. Instead, it was CM Pink, Bret Hart who made his way out to begin the Rumble, in a huge surprise. Out next is Damien Sandow and here we go!
Bret lasted about twenty seconds before Sandow threw him over the top rope. Thanks for coming Bret, always nice to see you and your great hair. Entry number 3 is Dolph Ziggler, who immediately goes for the elimination, but Sandow counters and clotheslines Ziggler over the top rope. Sandow is on fire! Number 4 is Seth Rollins, who runs right out into a sit out powerbomb from Sandow. The two go back and forth for a bit before entry number 5 is revealed to be Yokozuna, in one of the most shocking Royal Rumble returns of all time. Yoko and Rollins promptly team up, and throw early favourite Damien Sandow out of the ring. See ya dude. Number 6 is The Miz, but unfortunately for the Must See Superstar, Seth and Yokozuna seem to have formed an unusual alliance, and quickly double team Mizanin sending him over the top rope. Entry number 7 is out and it's Zack Ryder, who I forgot still had a job, and a hairline for that matter. Ryder and Rollins went after Yokozuna as Ricky Steamboat made his way out as entry number 8, however he lasted about as long as Zack Ryder's push before he was eliminated by the Ultimate Broski. Fucksake. Entry 9 is Brock fucking Lesnar, who will probably come in and start suplexing everyone like he did in his and wait yes there's a suplex. Fuck this. Seth Rollins eliminates Zack Ryder. Number 10 is the Great Khali, who thinks he's the Undertaker and takes about ten minutes to get his big fat stupid face in the ring, and by the time he does manage to drag his useless carcass in the squared circle, Luke Harper makes his way out as entry number 11. Rollins throws Lesnar over the top rope. You've got to be kidding me.
Unfortunately, at this point, I paused the game and went for a huge poo, only to come back and discover that, somehow, the game had been unpaused and that entry number 16, Sheamus, was just getting in the ring. Must be something wrong with my controller. Anyway, Roman Reigns, Hulk Hogan and Sargent Slaughter were all in there, so I guess they were number 12, 13 and 14, but god knows who number 15 was, so yeah, sucks to be that guy. Furthermore, it looks like Seth Rollins, Great Khali and Luke Harper all got eliminated, but Yokozuna was putting in a fine performance and still hanging in there. Sheamus, who only just got in the match, was thrown out by Slaughter, and I can't say I'm too disappointed. Number 17 is Rey Mysterio as Hogan clotheslines Yokozuna over the top rope. Fuck off Hogan you diseased salamander, Yoko was fantastic. Mysterio looks like a power ranger in that blue outfit. Hogan starts squaring off with another former Wrestlemania opponent in Slaughter as Goldust is revealed to be entry number 18. It gets pretty chaotic at this point, as entry 19, Jack Swagger, inserts himself into the match. Strangely, Hogan and Slaughter team up to eliminate Roman Reigns. Entry number 20 is R-Truth. Joy.
Rey Mysterio eliminates Jack Swagger with a sick looking hurricanrana, sending him over the top rope, as Hogan and Sarge continue their epic back and forward battle, which culminates in Slaughter eliminating Hogan and finally getting his revenge. Sarge is on fire. R-Truth eliminates Mysterio. Cunt. Number 21 is King Kong Bundy. Wait, what? Truth then tries to eliminate Sarge, not a chance mate. Entry 22 is Triple H, who gets rid of Goldust straight away. Shit just got real son. Trips hits a piledriver on Slaughter, immediately busting him open. Ouch. King Kong Ted Bundy tosses R-Truth out. Good. Number 23 is the Big Show, who naturally ignores Triple H and goes right after Sargent Slaughter, to continue their long standing rivalry. Number 24 is Randy Savage. Wow, WWE really pulled out all the stops with the returns tonight. Sargent Slaughter is finally eliminated by Big Show, who throws him over the top rope, as Bundy eliminates Triple H at the same time. Number 25 is the 672nd greatest Mexican wrestler to compete in WWE, Sin Cara. Bundy elminates Savage. Bollocks. King Kong Bundy and Big Show team up on Sin Cara, yeah that really needs the two of you to take care of him. Number 26 is Cody Rhodes, who lasts about ten seconds before being eliminated by, you guessed it, King Kong Bundy, who is on fire. Entry number 27 is Dean Ambrose. Bundy punches Show in the face and busts him open. Please be careful Bundy, you know Big Show bruises like a peach. CM Punk is number 28, so I guess Kane didn't follow through with his threat of making him number one. Number 29 is none other than Ric Flair, get the fuck in. King Kong Bundy with another elimination as he drop kicks Sin Cara over the top rope as Ric Flair eliminates Big Show, come on Naitch! Our final entrant is Erick Rowan, how climatic. Bundy gorilla press slams Flair right over the top rope, who just splats face down on the outside floor. Fuck me that was funny. CM Punk with a GTS to Ambrose, who launches himself theatrically over the top rope. Ok then. We're down to the final three of Punk, Rowan and Bundy. Punk and Rowan team up on Bundy, who is finally eliminated by both men after a great performance. It's down to Punk and Rowan. Chokeslam from Rowan who follows it up with an STO. Punk gets to his feet, but Rowan chops him against the ropes tosses him out for the win. Erick Rowan is going to Wrestlemania.
PS3 says: Winner of the 2014 Royal Rumble: Erick Rowan ladies and gentleman.
Freeman says: For me, it's between Daniel Bryan, CM Punk and Batista. Bryan could get the win and go on to have his Wrestlemania moment, however there are rumours that Bray Wyatt will be his only match this Sunday. I could see Punk lasting the pace and going on to win it, setting up his dream of main eventing Wrestlemania, but then again I can also see him being eliminated by Kevin Nash or someone. The safest option, and the one I keep seeing every time I log on to this site, is Batista, so I'll play safe and say that big Dave is your 2014 Royal Rumble winner and will face Randy Orton at Wrestlemania 30. Whoever it is, it certainly will not be Erick fucking Rowan for fucksake. Stupid machine.
So that's it then, Big Show defeats Brock Lesnar, John Cena is your new World Champ and Erick Rowan will be main eventing Wrestlemania. Just another normal PS3 Predictions column then. Oh, and in case you're interested, Cody and Goldy defeated the New Age Outlaws in the pre show to retain their tag titles. As for the actual show, as with all Royal Rumbles, I'm really looking forward to it. For me, you just can't beat it, and it's my favourite Pay Per View of the year, even beating out Wrestlemania. This year, we've got Bray Wyatt vs Daniel Bryan, who seems incapable of putting on anything less that a decent match, and Randy Orton vs John Cena, which always delivers. Fuck Lesnar vs Big Show, but the Rumble should be fun as always. I for one, will definitely be watching, unless of course my viewing gets interrupted by the need to unleash the World's Biggest Turd. Again.
PS: Just in case anyone was interested, here's the complete list of entries and eliminations of my simulated Royal Rumble.
1. Bret Hart – eliminated by Damien Sandow
2. Damien Sandow- eliminated by Yokozuna and Seth Rollins
3. Dolph Ziggler- eliminated by Damien Sandow
4. Seth Rollins- eliminated by a tribe of Chinese Giant Pandas
5. Yokozuna- eliminated by Hulk Hogan
6. The Miz- eliminated by Yokozuna and Seth Rollins
7. Zack Ryder- eliminated by Seth Rollins
8. Rickie Steamboat- eliminated by Zack Ryder
9. Brock Lesnar- eliminated by Seth Rollins
10. Great Khali- idk
11. Luke Harper- idk
12. Roman Reigns, I think. Eliminated by Hulk Hogan and Sargent Slaughter
13. I'll go with Hulk Hogan- eliminated by Sargent Slaughter
14. Yeah, Sargent Slaughter- eliminated by Big Show
15. idk, but it was a lovely poo.
16. Sheamus- eliminated by Sargent Slaughter
17. Rey Mysterio- eliminated by R-Truth
18. Goldust- eliminated by Triple H
19. Jack Swagger- eliminated by Rey Mysterio.
20. R-Truth- eliminated by King Kong Bundy
21. King Kong Bundy- eliminated by CM Punk and Erick Rowan
22. Triple H- eliminated by King Kong Bundy
23. Big Show- eliminated by Ric Flair
24. Randy Savage- eliminated by King Kong Bundy
25. Sin Cara- eliminated by King Kong Bundy
26. Cody Rhodes- eliminated by King Kong Bundy
27. Dean Ambrose- eliminated by CM Punk
28. CM Punk- eliminated by Erick Rowan
29. Ric Flair- eliminated by King Kong Bundy
30. Erick Rowan- Winner
My life is so awesome.