Night of Champions is this Sunday and you all know what that means; time for some more predictions using my PS3. For those of you unfamiliar with this concept, allow me to explain it you: I take each match that is currently scheduled to take place at this Sunday's Pay Per View, and simulated them in the “WWE 13” video game, which I have on PS3. I set the characters to be controlled by the computer with the difficulty on “Legend”, whilst I sat back and ate snacks as the action unfolded. As well as describing what the game thinks is going to happen, I'll offer up my predictions after each match as well. Right, enough talking, let's have a look at the first match I ran in the simulator:
Freestyling: Night of Champions Predictions Using PS3
Sep 13, 2013 - 6:33:08 PM
Rob Van Dam (with Ricardo Rodriguez) vs Alberto Del Rio (World Heavyweight Championship)
Out first was an excellent looking CAW of Rob Van Dam to no entrance music; reminds me of R-Truth a couple of years ago. Even though I remembered to assign Ricardo Rodriguez as Van Dam's manager, he still did Del Rio's introduction, which was nice of him. World Heavyweight Championship was held aloft and this one's underway.
Del Rio started off in control and quickly nailed an enzuigiri in the corner. This was followed by lots of chain wrestling. Chain wrestling is great in real life and all, but it doesn't come across well on the game because pregnancies have been completed in less time it takes the characters to execute the moves in the sequence. Del Rio with another enzuguri in the corner. RVD hit two elbows to the face, but got whipped in the corner. Del Rio with another enzuguri in the corner. It's like a real Del Rio match. And everyone complains about Cena's moveset. More chain wrestling. Chris Benoit vs Eddie Guerrero this is not. Del Rio then whipped RVD in the corner again and put him in the tree of woe position but did nothing. I guess he just wanted to see what he looked like upside down. Another elbow to the face from Van Dam. This match is terrible. Del Rio knocked down Van Dam. Stomp, stomp, followed by another stomp. I don't remember simulating this match in Steel Cage Challenge on the NES. Duck and kick thing from Van Dam. Del Rio got back in it by working on the arm. I secretly hate it when this game becomes realistic. Del Rio then continued his offence as the crowd went strangely silent. I secretly hate it when this game becomes realistic. Van Dam soon got back in it with some more thrilling offence, before hitting a monkey flip for the one two three. You know, that classic feared and deadly finishing move the monkey flip.
PS3 says: Van Dam wins. Another great Alberto Del Rio match on PS3.
Freeman says: Robert could well nick it here, but my guess is that, like Christian, he's little more than a filler opponent for Alberto. Furthermore, I'm not sure if WWE would give Van Dam the World Heavyweight Title as he's currently working a light schedule, so yeah, ADR wins this one for me. Don't be surprised to see Ricardo turn heel here and side with his former employer once again too.
CM Punk vs Curtis Axel & Paul Heyman (Handicap Elimination Match)
To my surprise, I was actually able to set this up as a Handicap Elimination match, so that pleased me. CM Punk was out first, followed by Curtis Axel and finally a CAW of Paul Heyman to Brock Lesnar's music, who looked more like the G-Man from Half Life than the former ECW owner.
Naturally, Axel and Punk started this one off. They did a bunch of moves and then Axel tagged out to Heyman. I would be more specific, but I was itching to see Paul Heyman's moveset, so unfortunately I wasn't paying much attention. Heyman didn't disappoint, and, wrestling in a full suit and tie, came in like a house on fire by immediately getting caught with a T-Bone suplex from Punk. However, Heyman got back up and scored a running elbow attack, followed up with a camel clutch. Kick to the gut from heyman followed by an elbow to the face. Heyman then came at Punk like Stone Cold with right hands flailing everywhere, before getting caught by Punk. Punk began his comeback routine, but Heyman cut it short with a backbreaker. Heyman then threw Punk outside, prepped the announce table, rolled punk onto it and put it all one line by sending Punk crashing through it with an elbow drop off the top rope as I laughed my ass off. If that happens Sunday then it will be the greatest moment in WWE history.
Once back in the ring, Punk hit a float over DDT and caught Heyman with the GTS. Cover, but Heyman kicked out at one! This man is incredible! Punk then began dishing out more punishment and locked in the Anaconda Vice. Will Heyman tap? No! Fuck!! Heyman got up and scored a big kick to the face, and holy shite in a ditch, CM Punk is busted open. Punk, infuriated, hit a swinging neckbreaker off the ropes, went for a cover, no! Heyman just won't quit! Heyman then got up, knocked punk down and locked in another camel clutch! Will punk tap? No! Heyman is taking CM Punk to the limit here! Heyman then nailed a jawbreaker and tagged out to Curtis Axel. Punk and Axel started wrestling again, but it wasn't as funny. Axel, taking advantage of Heyman's good work, nailed his neckbreaker finisher thingy and scored the one two three.
PS3 says: Curtis Axel and Paul Heyman win, match of the fucking year, performance of the fucking year from Heyman. Shit, dude made a fan out of me.
Freeman says: CM Punk wins. As much as I would love it if Paul Heyman got in the ring wearing a suit like a badass after Axel's elimination and battered the fuck out of CM Punk with his awesome street lethal offence after months of him letting Punk think he was a pussy all this time, it's just not going to happen. Punk finally gets his hands on Heyman and gets his revenge drawing this storyline to a close. Shame really.
Natalya vs Brie Bella vs Naomi vs AJ Lee (Fatal Four Way Match for the Diva's Championship)
Naomi started things off with a chair to Brie Bella's face. Brie's busted open. AJ Lee with a 720 corkscrew moonsault to Natalya, but Naomi nailed AJ with a two by four wrapped in barbed wire. Natalya powerbombed Brie from the top of the rafters through eight tables, which were all on fire. Why does Brie Bella look like Gary Neville in this game? Naomi sent AJ flying into a tank full of red-bellied piranhas where she was brutally eaten alive and spat out into a nearby bin. Did you know you can find red-bellied piranhas in the Amazon? The things you can buy on there these days. Right hand from Brie to Natalya. AJ threw Brie Bella into a field of claymore mines, blew her up and began beating her opponents with the remaining body parts. At some point, Dave Batista ran in and had sex with everyone. Eventually, Natalya locked in the Sharp Shooter on Naomi and picked up the win.
PS3 says: Natalya wins. Fuck me, that was the best match I've ever seen.
Freeman says: Either AJ retains here or Brie Bella wins the title to shift more focus on the Total Divas show. Tough call, but I'm going to stick my neck out here and predict a Brie Bella win.
The Shield (Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns) vs Tag Team Turmoil winners (Tag Team Championship)
I mass debated long and hard (heh) over whether or not to simulate the Tag Team Turmoil match that will take place in the pre show and have the winner of my simulation take on The Shield, but I eventually realised that, one, that would be a waste of time because the Prime Time Players are going to win anyway, and two, I don't have a Tag Team Turmoil match in this game, so Prime Time Players vs The Shield it is then. Darren Young was out first. Unfortunately,
I couldn't find a CAW of Titus O' Neil to download in the Community Creations section of WWE 13 Titus O'Neil was unable to leave his computer as he was attempting to ensure he wasn't outbid on an eBay item he was trying to win, so he won't be taking part in this match. Therefore, thanks to his awesome display earlier in the night, Paul Heyman will be performing double duty by teaming with Darren Young to take on The Shield tonight for the Tag Team Titles.
Darren Young and Seth Rollins started things off. Unfortunately, I didn't take much notice, but Young got the shit kicked out of him and eventually managed to get the hot tag to Paul Heyman. Clothesline from Heyman to Rollins, followed by a right hand, an armbar and an elbow drop to the back. Rollins tagged out to Reigns, but Heyman nailed him with a back suplex. More right hands from Heyman. He's taking on the entire Shield by himself! Heyman then hit an inverted atomic drop, which prompted Reigns to get straight back up and attempt a powerbomb, but Heyman countered it into a DDT! Camel clutch from Heyman! Will reigns tap? Come on heyman! No! Reigns reversed it. Both men dropped to the outside, where Heyman whipped Rollins into the barricade and fucking speared the fucker straight through it! Good God almighty! Heyman then rolled Rollins back in the ring, bounced off the ropes and hit a fucking Hogan leg drop and went for a cover, but Reigns kicked out. Reigns then tagged out to Rollins, who whipped Heyman into the corner and propped him on the top turnbuckle, only for Heyman to kick him away and go for a double axe handle off the top rope, which Rollins countered into a Randy Orton backbreaker! This is ridiculous! Heyman is ridiculous! Unfortunately, after getting caught there by Rollins, Heyman was beaten mercilessly to a bloody pulp by The Shield, and, obviously feeling the effects of the match with CM Punk earlier, was unable to put up any more of a fight. Reigns was eventually tagged back in, hit the spear and covered Heyman for the victory. Hey man, Heyman lost. Damn it.
PS3 says: The Shield wins, but Paul Heyman has been made into a legit star tonight.
Freeman says: The Shield wins. The Prime Time Players will advance from the pre show to face them, and although they've picked up a few wins in recent weeks, it won't be enough for them to overcome The Shield, or explain when exactly it was they turned face. Anyway, The Shield remain strong here for a Big Show and Mark Henry challenge later down the line.
Daniel Bryan vs Randy Orton (WWE Championship)
Daniel Bryan was out first followed by Randy Orton. The referee helpfully holds up the WWE Championship and it's main event time.
Randy Orton began the match in complete control after hitting some big power moves. However, this all changed when he charged at Bryan and got caught with an arm drag, and then got up and did the exact same thing again. Goldfish Orton then began targeting Bryan's leg relentlessly, obviously to soften him up for the RKO, which, as everyone knows, targets the legs. After that, Randy went to pick up Bryan by the hair, but Danielson countered with a rake to the eyes as the crowd booed wildly. As Bryan went on the offence for the first time in the match, the crowd loudly booed every move he executed. Orton managed to stem Bryan's offence with a well timed chop block which the crowd exploded for. Are we witnessing something truly special here? Is the PS3 playing out a magical double turn in which Orton transforms into the fan favourite and Bryan the dastardly heel? Unfortunately, I forgot to change the crowd reactions of both men meaning this game is a year out of date, so no.
Orton charged at Bryan and got caught with an arm drag. Silly cunt. Bryan managed to nail a few huge power moves as the boos grew louder, but it wasn't enough to stop The Viper. Randy nailed his trademark backbreaker and went for a cover but Bryan kicked out at one. At some point, Dave Batista ran in and had sex with everyone. Bryan got to his feet, RKO! Bryan's busted open! Orton went for a cover, but Bryan kicked out at one! I was half expecting Orton to stand over him and call him stupid for cunting up the finish. Bryan then moved toward the ropes, and no don't go over there Daniel because you'll got caught with Orton's DD... Oh, alright then. Bryan's bloody, yet clean shaven face was driven to the mat by the Apex Predator. It was nice that he made the effort to look more presentable for my column. Anyway, Randy started banging
Total Diva JoJo his fists on the mat like a maniac, which Bryan took as his cue to stand up and walk right into another RKO. Unfortunately, taking Randy's finisher a second time proved to be too much for the American Dragon, as Orton covered his lifeless carcass and picked up the victory. Slow, methodical, boring match which Orton dominated for too long. I secretly hate it when this game becomes realistic.
PS3 says: Randy Orton wins. Total squash. Bryan yet to win a match on my PS3. Bryan buried.
Freeman says: I really could see this one going either way. What with the way Daniel Bryan's been built up recently, I think he's got a great chance of leaving Detroit with the WWE Title. However, my gut tells me that either Orton will win, or Bryan will win but Orton will leave with the strap, meaning we could be looking at a DQ finish here. Actually, fuck it, Orton wins, but Bryan looks really strong in defeat, with The Shield and possibly Triple H and The Big Show interfereing, with everything including the kitchen sink being needed to put Bryan down for the three count.
So before I wrap this up, yes I know I missed Dolph Ziggler vs Dean Ambrose, but even though LOP thinks the match is taking place, it hasn't been announced on WWE's site and it isn't on the Night of Champions Wiki page either. Therefore, it might not be happening, so I decided to leave it off my virtual card. Anyway, according to my PS3, we're going to have a new World Heavyweight Champion, and a new Divas Champion. Also, Daniel Bryan is going to get his ass handed to him, and Paul Heyman is a fucking boss. As for the show itself, I'm quite looking forward to it, but I'll be honest, I'm only really interested in the WWE Title match and the Handicap Elimination match. The rest of the card seems a bit underdeveloped, but to be fair, I have been hooked by the current Daniel Bryan vs New Corporation storyline, so I don't really care. So yeah, I'll be purchasing the event for that alone, but the other matches on the card should be at least pretty solid anyway, so it'll be worth a watch. Or I might try and find out how Billy Ray Cyrus failed so spectacularly at parenting. Whichever, really.