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Posted in: Freestyling
Freestyling: News Roundup ~ CM Punk Marries AJ Lee? JTG, Roman Reigns, More
By Freeman
Jun 22, 2014 - 3:35:44 PM

It's time to take a look at the best of the news on lordsofpain.net over the last week or so. Let's start with Chicago's favourite son CM Punk, who reportedly tied the knot with AJ Lee the other week on Friday 13th June:

“AJ and Punk were married last Friday in what was described by PWInsider.com as a small, private ceremony.”

A small, private ceremony? No come on LOP, we all know what really happened. Just as CM Punk was about to say his vows, Triple H interrupted the whole thing to announce that he'd already married AJ in a drive through ceremony in Vegas. Then Kane burst through the floor, set the whole place on fire and Tombstoned the priest. Then the glass shattered and Stone Cold ran in. Kick to the gut, stunner, stunner, stunner. Austin posed for the fans as random people threw beer cans at him to pour all over himself.

Anyway, there are strong rumours circulating that the new Mrs CM Punk is pregnant, according to the same news story linked above:

“With AJ Lee's relationship to CM Punk and current hiatus from the WWE ring, this has naturally sparked rumors online that the former Divas Champion is pregnant. According to a former backstage worker for WWE, the rumor may now be legitimate.”

In fairness to the Cookie Monster, I can't say I would've pulled out either.

Speaking of Punk, I find it utterly hilarious that live crowds are still chanting his name, despite the fact that he's been gone for six months now. I mean, just the other day I watched the 16th June episode of Monday Night Raw, specifically the match between Sheamus and Bray Wyatt. So it cuts to commercial, and, immediately on return, Wyatt has Sheamus in a rest hold while a loud “CM PUNK! CM PUNK! CM PUNK!” chant is going on. I loled. And then I thought to myself, why stop there? Why restrict ourselves to just chanting the great man's name at WWE events? Personally, I'd quite like it if, during the USA vs Portugal World Cup match tonight, the game is a bit slow paced and, just as Ronaldo picks up the ball, the crowd breaks out into a loud chorus of “CM PUNK! CM PUNK! CM PUNK!” I mean, just the other day I was sitting at my computer bored at work, so I decided to jump up onto my desk and start yelling “CM PUNK! CM PUNK! CM PUNK!” at the top of my voice. The whole office soon joined in. In fact, I'm going to a mate's wedding in a couple of weeks, so if I find myself getting irritable as the vows are being exchanged, I might jump up on my seat and start shouting “CM PUNK! CM PUNK! CM PUNK!” as loud as I can. I'm sure the rest of the guests would soon join in. Or, alternatively, just as Spencer is about to say “I do”, the glass will shatter. Kick to the gut. stunner, stunner, stunner. The guests will throw cans of beer and I'll be standing on the altar, posing for the crowd and pouring beer all over myself.


-In Diva news, I was intrigued when I stumbled across this headline the other day, concerning the recently released Aksana:

Backstage News on Why WWE Released Aksana

Because she was shit?

Well, sort of. According to reports, Aksana lost a friend in a high ranking place. What happened to everyone's favourite Lithuanian LOP?

“Regarding Aksana's WWE departure, she had been a favorite of Kevin Dunn's but no longer was and didn't have much support backstage.”

She stopped putting out then.

According to the news story, Rosa Mendes was also pretty close to being future endeavoured, but was saved thanks to all those times she got completely bollocksed with Michael Hayes her recent call up to Total Divas:

“It's said that Rosa Mendes was saved when Total Divas producers wanted her on the show.”

But the good news doesn't end there for Rosa. Just the other day, none other than LOP's own RantingRandall brought this awesome headline to my attention:

Rosa Mendes Getting More Action Now

Oh really?...

Jesus Christ, doesn't anyone check these headlines for obvious sexual innuendos before they get posted? Apparently not. So, with that in mind, here's some more headlines I expect to see concerning Rosa in the next few weeks:

-Rosa Receives A Large Package

-Rosa Helps Golfer Find His Balls

-Rosa Doesn't Want Rusev Shoved Down Her Throat

-Rosa Chokes On A Big Fat Sausage

-Rosa Fucks A Dude

Speaking of Total Divas, it's being reported that there is talk of splitting up The Funkadactyls, Naomi and Cameron, at some point in the near future:

“There had been some talk of splitting up Cameron and Naomi as part of an angle for the next season of Total Divas and then at this week's tapings, WWE started to go more in that direction. Based on the way it's been booked so far, it could be that Naomi is the one that goes heel if they do the split.”

Yeah, Cameron slapped Paige on the WWE App before RAW the other night, and blocked Naomi's handshake with the Divas Champion after their match on Main Event, so Naomi is the one who's going to turn heel. Makes sense to me. Actually, to be fair to LOP, this is WWE we're talking about here, so it's quite conceivable that after weeks of building up a potential Cameron heel turn, they randomly decide to book Naomi as the one to switch disposition.


-The original Sin Cara, no not the current Sin Cara being portrayed by Hunico, or the former Backstreet Boys member Nick Carter, has had a bit of trouble recently when a promoter in Mexico failed to pay him for two events he worked. What seems to be the problem LOP?

“There was a situation in Mexico recently where the original Sin Cara wasn't paid for working two events on May 31st and June 1st. The promoters are facing potential legal action for not paying $11,598 that is owed to Cara and two other wrestlers - Black Warrior and Averno. Apparently the local commission and others weren't paid by the promoters also.”

I heard they deducted $1 from his fee for every time he botched a move...


-Good to see my favourite wrestler of all time, JTG, bouncing back after his recent WWE release. Apparently, him and his old buddy Shad are putting the band back together:

“Former WWE stars Shad Gaspard and JTG are reuniting their Cryme Tyme tag team on the indies. "Crime Time" can by booked by e-mailing brianwittenstein@gmail.com.”

This is immense. I can't wait for JTG and Shad to turn up in TNA and write 'JBL is poopy' on JBL's limo, or for JTG and Shad to turn up in ROH and write 'JBL is poopy' on JBL's limo, or for JTG and Shad to turn up in EVOLVE and write 'JBL is poopy' on JBL's limo. Outstanding news.

However, I must admit, I was pretty bummed out when JTG got fired a couple of weeks ago. My good buddy Super Chrisss pretty much covered all the drama in his column 'A Look Back At "Black Thursday" (#ThankYouJTG)', so I won't go too much into it. However, I was amused by this tweet that JTG sent out immediately after his release was announced:

Really dude? This really came as a surprise to you? You really thought you'd survive another WWE clear-out? Seriously, if that was me, I'd have been shitting myself every time my phone rang for the last four years.

While we're on the subject of Black Thursday, Mark Henry's antics were probably the funniest fucking thing I've witnessed in ages. On the same day that a bunch of people lost their jobs in WWE, Henry decided, in his infinite wisdom, to send out this little gem of a tweet:

Jesus Mark, talk about insensitive. What's next, you tweet a picture of yourself with the words “Here we stand 13 years in Sepetember. Still alive!!!” on the anniversary of 9/11? Dipshit. At least Curt Hawkins called him out on it:

Brilliant, though I'm not sure Hawkins would be so full of bravado if he were face to face with Henry. I know I wouldn't be, but that's because I look like this guy:


Caption Contest:

“I know, I can't believe he was here for seven years either.”


-I can't be the only one who noticed that Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns had seemingly severed ties with each other on RAW the other night. Sure enough, LOP picked up on the story too:

“It appeared on this week's RAW that Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns had split up as they didn't appear together and now have their own theme songs.

Word coming out of RAW is that there is not going to be a formal split between Reigns and Ambrose but they are supposed to be going their separate ways.”

What, no explanation? Come on WWE. You can't have Ambrose and Reigns team up with Cena the previous week on RAW, whilst prattling on about how they're brothers, and then have them not even speak to each other the following week. It doesn't make sense. I'm sorry to be pedantic, but I would like some storyline reason as to why they're not teaming together anymore. Even a little backstage skit where Ambrose says something like “yeah, it's been fun Roman, best of luck with everything, oh, and don't forget to apply the cream three times a day to the rectal area” would have sufficed. Not, “oh we're pushing Reigns now so fuck it, he needs to be by himself for that hilarious Stephanie is vomiting segment so let's not say anything and hope everyone forgets that Ambrose and Reigns ever interacted with each other.”

That little indiscretion aside, it does appear that WWE are doing a decent job of pushing Roman Reigns so far. He constantly comes out on top of the various polls on WWE.com, such as the 'who would you most like to see Brock Lesnar face at Summerslam' poll, or the 'who do you think will win the WWE World Heavyweight Title at Money in the Bank' poll, or the 'who would you most like to see masturbate to unshaven female genitalia whilst reading a copy of Neil Young's autobiography' poll. Roman Reigns comes out on top of all three folks, so the WWE.com going fans must be into him. However, despite all of that, I can't stop myself from thinking that WWE are going to find a way to fuck this up. I'm not saying that it's definitely going to happen, but it's just a feeling I have in the pit of my stomach. Maybe they'll book him to win the Money In The Bank title match at the end of the month and give him a World Title run before he's ready. Maybe fans will get bored of his monster push and start clamouring for Dean Ambrose or someone else instead. I know that all the signs are pointing to a successful main event push and that Reigns could well be the guy to take over from John Cena, but I remember people saying the same thing about Ryback, and look what happened to him. I'm not saying that Reigns can't be that guy, because he certainly has a lot of the tools and the backing of management, I'm just saying that we've been here before.

Anyway, while we're on the subject of The Shield, Seth Rollins debuted some new ring gear on last Friday's episode of Smackdown:

Here's another pic, better quality this time:


Freeman's Final Thought:

Constipation: Same shit, different day.


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