Freestyling: News Roundup ~ Bryan isn't over, Sheamus, Big E, More
May 6, 2014 - 4:09:00 PM
So I'm catching up on all the wrestling news on LOP the other day, when a few stories jumped out and hit me in the sack so hard that I felt compelled to write about them. Let's start with this little gem concerning current WWE World Heavyweight Undisputed Unified Lord Master Of The Universe Heavyweight Champion, Daniel Bryan:
“There has been a lot of talk within WWE about where Daniel Bryan will be in the next few months. Some higher-ups feel that Bryan isn't over, it's the "yes!" chant that is over. They feel that Bryan peaked at WrestleMania XXX with the WWE World Heavyweight Title win.
It's said that a lot of top guys argue with officials about how they're booked or portrayed but Bryan doesn't. There's not a lot of ego with how Bryan carries himself backstage and in how he deals with creative.
There are many people waiting to see if Bryan cools off and gets moved out of his current position or if he gets hotter and stays there.”
Oh yes of course, it's the “Yes” chants that are over, not Daniel Bryan himself. Never mind the loud pops you hear every time his music hits, or the deafening “Daniel Bryan” chants you get when he's wrestling. No, I hear all that is directed at another guy called Daniel Bryan, who also works for the company. Now that guy... That guy is over folks, let me tell you that right now. But current World Champ Daniel Bryan? No he's not over, it's his chant that's over, according to some people in WWE. Just like how Stone Cold Steve Austin was never actually over either. No, that was the “What?”chants that were popular and drew all the money, not The Texas Rattlesnake himself. Or like how The Rock was never over either. No, that was his many, many catchphrases that were popular, not the Brahma Bull himself. Or like how Cesaro isn't getting over now because of his ability or his personality, nah, that's down to the Big Swing. Or like how JTG isn't over eith... Lol, what am I saying? Of course JTG is over. Fucking dude deserves a World Title in fact.
Speaking of Bryan, could WWE blatantly rip off that horrible Zack Ryder/Eve Torres/Kane angle from a couple of years ago any more obviously? Hey WWE, what's next, a wheel chair bound Bryan catches Brie Bella kissing John Cena after he saves her from The Demon Kane? Will Bryan's career be derailed in the same way as Ryder's was a few years ago, as Mick Foley alluded to recently, thanks to a stupid storyline with The Demon Kane? Will Stephanie ever mention The Demon Kane as many times as Paul Heyman mentions his client, Brock Lesnar, in a single segment? Will Brie Bella ever be able to top this epic display of boobage from Eve?
You see, what I don't get, is that if you were WWE and you chose to rehash an angle from your past, then surely you'd choose something decent like Tito's suggestion of the The Mega Powers Explode 2014, not Internet Favourite Gets Friend-Zoned And Depushed By Another Failed Kane Experiment And Bad Acting 2014.
-You know what else was stupid recently? How about WWE's newest midget announcer, Short Sleeve Sampson, who played Jerry Smaller at Extreme Rules, tweeting this photo of himself from before the show:
Apparently, Sampson got a lot of heat from WWE for the faux pas, because it shows John Cena and the Wyatt Family discussing their match in the background. He then went onto issue a public apology on his Facebook page:
"They say a picture is worth a thousand words but in my case it has become the center of alot of controversy. I want to publicly apologize to the WWE, the workers in this business who give their blood, sweat, and tears, and to all the fans that continue to support it!
After my segment was over on Extreme Rules I did post a few pictures on my facebook of my experience from working with WWE for that day. I did not realize that in one of my posted pics I was "exposing the business" until someone commented on it and I immediately took it down!”
What? You mean the match outcomes are predetermined? That the wrestlers discuss all the moves beforehand? I feel like I just found out that Santa Claus isn't real and that some people don't like John Cena all at the same time. This is an outrage. No one has ever exposed the wrestling business before. An apology just won't cut it; I want this little cunt's head on a spike, now.
However, Sampson's mishap isn't the best thing about this pic. Take a look again at JBL sitting at the announce desk on the right hand side:
Fucking hard work being an announcer for WWE isn't it? Can someone get Layfield a pillow please? I'd hate for him to be uncomfortable while he's sitting there with his feet up trying to beat his top score on Flappy Bird. Speaking of the Wrestling God, how good was this story on LOP the other day?
Update on JBL and Shawn Michaels Going Fishing Together
Ah yeah, I've been waiting all week for an update on JBL and Shawn Michaels' upcoming fishing trip. Wrestling is so interesting sometimes.
-Vince Russo has a new project. Tell us all about it LOP:
“Vince Russo has launched a commentary website called Pyro & Ballyhoo at pyroandballyhoo.com.”
“Russo covers pop culture, TV shows, music, movies, sports and pro wrestling.”
-Sounds like the first ten minutes of one of his Nitro episodes.
“He only (has) just one wrestling article up right now”
-But you'll have to endure several hours of promos, backstage segments, video packages and vignettes before you can read it.
“and notes that beginning May 19th, all wrestling content on the site will be available through a paid subscription only.”
-Last time I paid for Russo's wrestling content, I didn't get the advertised main event and my feed cut out. No thanks.
Stupid Comment Of The Week
“Big E was a great fighting champion.”
JBL- Monday Night Raw.
Big E defended his Intercontinental Championship a whopping six times during his 167 day reign as champion. Now, I'm not very good at maths. I got a C in maths in school, and I can't even count to C. However, I reckon that's roughly one defence every 28 days. I don't know about you, but my definition of a great fighting champion is a champion who actually fights once in a while. JBL, that was a truly stupid comment, and you should probably go back to playing games on the iPad, or planning
fisting fishing trips with Shawn Michaels. Anyway, at least now we get to experience the awesomeness of Bad News Barrett as Intercontinental Champion, who might just be my favourite character in all of WWE at the moment. That catchphrase of his is getting over nicely with live crowds, and he looks like he's having an absolute blast in his new role. Barrett's always been a fine worker with a mean looking move-set, although if I had a nose like his, I wouldn't have suggested that the live fans in attendance at RAW the other night require plastic surgery on their faces. Glass houses and all that Wade, glass houses.
-While we're on the subject of catchphrases, Adam “don't be a lemon” Rose on Monday's episode of RAW with his party of Rosebuds. But who were all of those people who accompanied Rose to ringside? Let's find out...
“- WWE has been using NXT newcomers as Adam Rose's Rosebuds but the party people with Rose on last night's RAW were local indie wrestlers from New York and indie promoter Shane Alden. The muscular guy in a green tank top was wrestler Jeff Starr, who is known for once being together with Sunny.”
To be fair, a wrestler being known for once being with Sunny, is like a wrestler being known for once wearing knee-pads.
“You think this is bad, wait till you find out what JBL's got planned for you later.”
-Sheamus is the new United States Champion. No doubt there will be a few people who are a bit annoyed that Dean Ambrose lost the belt, and while I can understand that, I for one am looking forward to The Celtic Warrior's reign as US Champ. I can't be the only one who noticed the audible boos from some sections of the crowd when he tossed Ambrose over the top rope and won the title on RAW, and started to salivate at the prospect of the Great White perhaps turning heel. According to LOP, this could be happening after WWE's upcoming European tour:
“- The big heel turn for Sheamus could end up happening during WWE's upcoming European tour or right after it. Officials didn't want him turning heel right before the tour and then lose momentum by getting cheered so early in his heel run.”
Sweet fucking tits. If there's anyone who needs a character change in WWE at the moment, it's Kofi Kingston. However, second on that list, is Shemus, and if we're not getting a Kofi heel turn this year, then I'll settle for Ginge reverting back to being a villain again. Personally, I'd love it if Sheamus feuded with Dean Ambrose for a while over the belt, with the first Irish born WWE Champion slowly hinting at a heel turn more and more each week, until old Whitey finally goes all out heel and sides with Triple H and The Authority to assist them with their fight against The Shield. Furthermore, since Triple H has apparently favoured Sheamus for years now, then it would be great if WWE played off of their real life
bumfuckery friendship and declared Sheamus the new Chosen One, leading to a feud with WWE Champion Daniel Bryan. I'd buy that. The two have had some good matches with each other in the past, but I've always felt like their feuds have always been a bit rushed. A nice long feud with The Authority in Sheamus' corner would freshen up the whole Daniel Bryan vs Everyone Affiliated With The McMahons/HHH angle, and it would also be a nice change of pace from when the two feuded over the World Heavyweight, when Bryan was the heel and Sheamus was the face,even though no one gave a fuck about Sheamus and wanted Bryan to win. Book it WWE.
-And finally, I leave you with the news that the world's population is now well over seven billion people. Did you know that somewhere in the world, a woman gives birth every 80 seconds?
...Someone should probably stop her.