Freestyling: Money in the Bank Predictions Using PS3
Jul 11, 2013 - 5:36:33 PM
Money in the Bank is this Sunday and you know what that means; time once again to bust out the PS3 to see what a Japanese home entertainment system thinks is going to happen at the Pay Per View. In case you've missed the last couple of instalments of my PPV predictions, allow me to explain the method to this madness. I took each match that is scheduled to take place at this Sunday's Money in the Bank Pay Per View, and watched the action unfold in the “WWE 13” video game, which I have on PS3. The computer controls all the participants in the match as I describe what happened, and I'll also give my predictions at the end of each contest as well. Without further adieu, let's take a look at the first match in this simulated mayhem.
Chris Jericho vs Ryback
Chris Jericho was out first followed by Ryback. No introduction for Jericho thanks to a game glitch, or was Tony Chimel on strike thanks to poor pay for announcers in video games? Will he take this up with the virtual union and campaign for better salaries and more job opportunities for 3D video game characters? Find out next time...
Right from the start, this one was pretty much all Jericho, and it remained that way for the duration of the match. After a bit of early brawling, Y2J promptly hit a back suplex off the top rope to Ryback. Nice start. Ryback eventually got back in it with some excellent chain wrestling sequences. Let me repeat that statement for you in case you missed it. Ryback eventually got back in it with some excellent chain wrestling sequences, but his good work was soon undone as Jericho began targeting the leg. A cool spot then followed when Jericho reversed a Ryback big boot attempt into a sleeper slam, however I was soon infuriated when the exact same spot happened two more times, and it got to the point where I was desperate to see Ryback hit his fucking big boot so he would stop attempting it. Jericho then became relentless in his attack on Ryback's leg before deciding to go for the Walls of Jericho. Will Ryback tap out? Find out after this commercial break...
No, Ryback did not tap out to the Walls of Jericho. The match continued as Y2J whipped Ryback into the corner and charged at him at full speed, but Ryback reversed the ensuing clothesline attempt into a big boot as I ejaculated at the sight of Ryback finally ramming his foot into Jericho’s face. Jericho went back to the leg again, however this time he'd caused so much damage that Ryback began to limp. Ryback then attempted to stop the onslaught with a military press into an Oklahoma slam. And people chant “Goldberg” at him. Ridiculous. This match quickly degenerated into a brawl on the outside and, eventually, Y2J locked in the Walls of Jericho. Dipshit. However, the referee was at a count of six, so Jericho let him out of the hold and they both ran back in the ring. Not sure about that strategy Chris. Back in the ring, Jericho quickly hit a northern lights suplex followed by a Codebreaker for the win.
PS3 says: Chris Jericho wins.
Freeman says: Ryback wins. It still seems like WWE want Ryback to be a main event player, and a big win over talent enhancement specialist Chris Jericho would be the perfect way to get him back on track.
Dolph Ziggler vs Alberto Del Rio (World Heavyweight Championship)
Ricardo Rodriguez is suspended in hilarious circumstances so I didn't bother assigning him as manager. AJ Lee will not be accompanying Dolph Ziggler because I completely forgot. Oh well. After the entrances, the World Heavyweight Championship is held up and here we go.
I'll be fucked if I ever put these two tossers in the ring together ever again in this game. Last time I did this PS3 predictions shizzle, their match degenerated into an all out suplex war. This time, it was even worse, as the entire match pretty much consisted of grapple, counter, counter, counter, suplex, grapple counter, counter, counter, suplex. Then they took it to the outside, and hey guess what, grapple, counter, counter, irish whip into the barricade, headbut, suplex. After five minutes of this crap, I got fed up, so here's a review of the snack I went and made instead:
The two pieces of white bread started off nicely together, with some good interaction from the butter and mayonnaise that soon followed. A good spot then ensued with the addition of some tuna and cucumber, however this one quickly degenerated into a mess when I spilled my Diet Coke everywhere. Eventually, things were taken to the extreme when a packet of Dorritos were busted wide open. As I was munching the tasty morsel in front of my television, Dolph Ziggler hit a big splash in the corner on Alberto Del Rio and rolled him up for the three count, which pretty much summed this one up.
PS3 says: Winner and new World Heavyweight Champion: Dolph Ziggler
Freeman says: Tough one to call. I reckon Ziggler will eventually get his title back, but he'll be built up more as a sympathy character first. I say Ziggler wins by DQ or count out here, but Del Rio leaves with the title.
Curtis Axel vs The Miz (Intercontinental Championship)
Bell rings, Curtis Axel rolls Miz up for the three count and oh fuck I forgot to assign The Miz as a computer controlled character.
PS3 says: Curtis Axel wins.
Freeman says: Curtis Axel wins. He's only just started his Intercontinental Title run, and a loss here could hurt this strange push he's being given at the moment, so I don't see that happening, particularly not to The Miz as well.
CM Punk vs Daniel Bryan vs Kane vs Randy Orton vs Sheamus vs Christian vs Rob Van Dam (Money in the Bank Ladder Match for a WWE Championship Contract)
Note: This match was simulated and written up on Monday before RAW, and at the time, I had no ideas the Wyatts were going to smash Kane's face in with steel steps, causing him to potentially miss the Pay Per View this Sunday.
I hate WWE for picking seven competitors for this match so I had to drop one from the simulation and that man was Rob Van Dam because I haven't downloaded a CAW of him yet Rob Van Dam was struck down with a bad case of diarrhoea before he made his entrance. Therefore, this match was trimmed down to six PS3 friendly participants.
I'm not going to give a full play by play account of the match, as it's quite hard when you've got three different battles going on all the time, so here are some highlights: Daniel Bryan nearly won it right from the start, Kane chokeslammed Sheamus from the top rope onto a ladder and Rob Van Dam's wrestling gear is now a nice turd colour. The match itself wasn't actually that long, as after about four minutes of action Sheamus climbed the ladder unopposed and retrieved the briefcase.
PS3 says: Sheamus wins.
Freeman says: Daniel Bryan wins and cashes in on John Cena at Summerslam. RVD is a good bet as well, and I was tempted to go with him, however Bryan is on a roll lately, and I keep seeing a lot of talk of him feuding with Cena in the near future, so my money's on him.
Wade Barrett vs Cody Rhodes vs Damien Sandow vs Fandango vs Jack Swagger vs Dean Ambrose vs Antonio Cesaro (Money in the Bank Ladder Match for a World Heavyweight Championship Contract)
Everyone makes their entrances and this one's underway. Unfortunately, Antonio Cesaro was abducted and enslaved by a colony of Meat ants before being brutally devoured by their younglings prior to the match, and therefore was unable to take part. However, look for this storyline to continue next week on RAW...
Like the previous Money in the Bank Ladder Match, I'm not going to go through every move that took place, so here are the highlights: Right at the start, Damien Sandow climbed the ladder unopposed, grabbed the briefcase and held on, with no challenge. Sandow could have won it, had he not have simply let go and fell to the floor, with his opponents still completely oblivious. I loled. Anyway, Fandango got busted open, Rhodes hit Swagger with the steel steps about fifteen times and Rob Van Dam still can't get the brown stains out of his trunks. Amidst all the chaos, Sandow did end up climbing the ladder and capturing the briefcase, after sending Dean Ambrose crashing to the floor.
PS3 says: Damien Sandow wins.
Freeman says: I could see Jack Swagger winning here and restarting his push with a World Heavyweight Title opportunity. I don't like it, but I could see WWE going with it. However, I'm going to go for a Dean Ambrose win. Not only have The Shield been in good form lately, but a win for Ambrose could create some interesting tension with Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins, as he would have a world title opportunity and they might get jealous, or am I fantasy booking here?
AJ Lee vs Kaitlyn (Divas Championship)
One of the most entertaining Divas feuds in recent memories comes to a head here in a strangely arousing computer simulation. Tony Chimel does the introductions and this one's underway.
Kaitlyn took complete control with some big power moves early on, but AJ was able to get back in it with a hurricanrana. The Divas Champ then went
on up top and scored big with a diving seated senton, followed by a flash back. Kaitlyn then nailed a backbreaker as a hilarious glitch occurred, where the crowd was stuck in one continuous cheer and it seems like they're going nuts for every move. Seriously, the atmosphere is incredible and it's like watching Rock vs Hogan from Wrestlemania 18. Awesome.
Eventually, AJ threw Kaitlyn to the outside, but the challenger was able to counter the attempted offence with a facecrusher, followed by a military press drop. Ouch. Both ladies were back in the ring by a count of six, at which point AJ hit a huge slap to the face, taking Kaitlyn off her feet. No, it wasn't a dropkick or a shoulder tackle that took Kaitlyn off her feet, but a slap to the face. Kaitlyn recovered from the devastating face strike and went for another military press slam, but AJ countered it into a DDT. Sweet. Kaitlyn was soon back in it with a sidewalk slam and a Randy Orton backbreaker, which now had AJ favouring her ribs. Kaitlyn tried on several occasions to put AJ away with some classic and well known finishing moves such as a suplex, a neckbreaker and clothesline, but the champ was having none of it. Eventually, Kaitlyn hit a spear, but AJ was too close to the ropes and rolled out of harm's way. Smart. However, upon her return to the ring, Miss Lee was met with another Randy Orton backbreaker, which this time was enough for Kaitlyn to get the one two three.
PS3 says: Kaitlyn wins back the Divas Title.
Freeman says: I'm predicting a long reign, and maybe even a non wrestling feud with Stephanie McMahon for AJ, and I can't see her losing the title during her first defence, so I'm going to go with an AJ win here.
John Cena vs Mark Henry (WWE Championship)
Yay, it's time for a Mark Henry entrance: “Somebody gon' get they ass licked (whoa) somebody gon' get their dick sniffed...” and it appears that man is going to be John Cena. The WWE Title is held up before the match before both competitors tie it up.
Right from the start, the gameplans of both men were pretty obvious. Henry dominated the early exchanges with some big power moves specifically targeting the ribs, however Cena would attempt to get back in it by going for the World's Strongest Man's legs with either a dragon screw or a chop block. Cena then got Henry in a headlock, which the big man then countered into an atomic drop, and immediately followed it up with an STO. Nice. Cena got back up and charged at Henry, but Mizark reversed it into a tilt a whirl slam. The champ was undeterred though, and got back up and charged again, but Henry reversed it into a tilt a whirl slam. Cena got up and charged again, but got caught with yet another tilt a whirl slam. Jesus Cena you dumb fuck, it isn't working. After this frustrating exchange, Henry whipped Cena over the top rope and followed him outside, only for The Doctor Of Thuganomics to reverse a punch into an Attitude Adjustment from out of nowhere onto the hard floor. With Mark seemingly out for the count, Cena inexplicably picked him up and threw him back in the ring. Shit, Cena doesn't even go for the cheap victory in a simulated PS3 wrestling match, what a guy.
Back in the ring and the two went back to the earlier story of Cena targeting the leg and Henry targeting the ribs. Henry eventually regained control with some well timed reversals and a nasty clothesline to the back of the head. Henry then hit a backbreaker and locked in a Batista Bite, but Cena escaped and began holding his ribs. Henry smelled blood, but was soon hit with another chop block, which caused him to favour his left leg upon getting to his feet. Cena hobbled towards the challenger and went for a punch, however Henry reversed it into a bearhug. The pain was too much for Cena to bare (bear?) and he eventually tapped out. Money In The Bank goes off the air with Mark Henry celebrating his first ever WWE Championship win.
PS3 says: Mark Henry wins and Cena taps out. Nearly as shocking as Chicago two years ago.
Freeman says: Another tough one. The smart money is on Cena retaining and going on to start that heavily rumoured feud with Daniel Bryan at Summerslam, but I definitely could see a swerve happening here. If Mark Henry were to walk away with the title, it wouldn't be too much of a surprise for me. Hmm... Since my PS3 is going with the swerve, I'll play safe and say John Cena wins and retains his title.
So that's it then. Dolph Ziggler wins the World Heavyweight Title, Sheamus and Damien Sandow have future World Title opportunities, Kaitlyn wins the Divas Title and Mark Henry wins the WWE Title. Yep, sounds like a normal PS3 simulation to me. Oh, and in case you're wondering, The Shield defeated The Usos in the pre show, after I had to wait half an hour for both characters to download thanks to my shitty internet connection. As for the actual show, I'm really looking forward to it. The two rematches from Payback, Del Rio vs Ziggler and AJ vs Kaitlyn, should be as good, if not better than their original incarnations. I'm a big Mark Henry fan, so any slight chance he has of winning the WWE Title is good for me, and on top of all that, you've got the Money in the Bank Ladder Matches, which although LOP's 'Plan is going to hate me for saying, are always entertaining. I for one will definitely be tuning in, providing I don't get sidetracked with trying to rescue Antonio Cesaro from his insect nightmare. Whichever crops up first, I suppose...