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Posted in: Freestyling
Freestyling: Make The Miz A Heel Again
By Freeman
Apr 16, 2013 - 6:47:37 PM

February 4th 2013. A truly memorable day for yours truly, filled with long refreshing walks in the countryside, catching up with the latest and greatest works of literature the world currently offers, and masturbation. However, it was the events of that evening's Monday Night RAW broadcast that really stuck in my mind above all else on that fateful day. You've probably forgotten most of the details of that particular show, so allow me to refresh your memory:



Predictably, it was shite.



There was an appearance from Rey Mysterio (remember him?)





That was the night that perfectly summed up everything that is wrong with The Miz as a face.



In fact, it was just the one segment that really brought it home for me. It was an episode of MizTV, which at first saw Paul Heyman attempt to absolve himself from any involvement in Brock Lesnar's attack on Vince McMahon the previous week. Then Vickie Guerrero came out and looked hot; yeah, I would, and so would you. Finally, Brock Lesnar interrupted the segment and attacked The Miz.

As a side note, if you do go back and watch this segment again, just listen to Michael Cole as he says “watch the couch” right before Lesnar F-5s The Miz. Why Cole? Are WWE so low on resources that they had to borrow a couch from your own personal household furniture collection? Did you not want an imprint of The Miz's face on that particular piece? Were you planning on selling it on eBay and wanted to keep it in perfect condition? Are you somehow attached to that fine example of leatherette Swedish manufacturing? Seriously, what a strange thing to say on commentary.

Anyway, it wasn't that The Miz performed badly in this segment; he didn't, in fact he was okay. He even stood tall against Lesnar, and attempted to put up a fight against The Beast. But therein lies the main problem with The Miz as a babyface, and why he isn't really working as one. It's not his natural smugness, or that he comes across as awkward and try hard as a good guy- that's part of it, but the main reason is this:

I just don't believe that The Miz can stand up to a guy like Brock Lesnar and beat him in a fight.

In fact, I don't think The Miz could beat most of the current roster in a fight. Nothing wrong with that mind you, it's just not a very good attribute for a face. I'm sure I'm not the only one who believes this, so therefore if I, and the rest of the WWE audience can't believe that The Miz can kick our asses in a fight, then he will never be successful as a good guy. In fact, it's for this reason that Miz's former tag team partner and everyone's favourite cuckold John Morrison reportedly never got the push many thought he deserved, because Vince McMahon couldn't buy him as a guy who could kick your ass. Now don't get it twisted, there's no shame in getting minced by Brock Lesnar, but there has to be a belief that the face at least has a chance against him. If I imagine someone like Randy Orton, or Sheamus, or John Cena or even Alberto Del Rio in that same segment against Lesnar, then I at least believe they might come out on top. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I want to believe it with The Miz, I simply can't.

Don't get me wrong, when I first read that Mr Mizanin was going to be turned into a fan favourite last year, I was all for it. He was in need of freshening up, and I was intrigued to see how he would pan out as a fan favourite. Fair play to WWE, they tried it and it was worth a go, but unfortunately, it hasn't worked, and I'm pretty sure that Miz won't be main eventing Pay Per Views as a top face anytime soon. Therefore, I believe that WWE will write off Miz's face turn as a failed experiment and switch him back to heel before the year is over.

I also believe The Miz will be back in the main event as a heel before the year is out.

I really can't put my finger on why, it's just a feeling I have in my gut. It might be that chicken I ate last night that looked so undercooked that a good vet could've got it back on its feet, or it could be something more. I know it doesn't look likely now, as since losing the WWE Title to John Cena a couple of years ago, The Miz has been in midcard hell, where he's been hanging around like a fart in a diver's suit. However, I feel that if the WWE were to go ahead and turn him back to a heel, then a push back to the main event would soon follow. He did it back in 2010, when he had a very good year leading to him winning the WWE Title, so there's no reason why he can't do it again in 2013. The thing is, Miz was so much easier for WWE to push and get over as a bad guy, and the reason goes back to the point I made earlier; he's more believable as the guy who takes shortcuts to beat superior opposition and sneak attack his enemies from behind, than a guy who has a realistic chance of winning a fight with Brock Lesnar. He also happens to be a naturally dislikeable fuck, which oh shit the bed, just so happens to be a perfect quality for a heel.

Now if you'll excuse me, I just farted and it stinks in here, so I'm going to go and check my Emails on my phone. Oh hey look, a message in my inbox from none other than WWE Superstar The Miz himself, and it looks like he might be talking to me...


Dear Friend,

Thanks for your all your input and opinions regarding my career. I'd like to tell you all that it's been really helpful and worthwhile, but truth be told, it hasn't. Problem is, I'm just not bothered anymore, and I haven't been for a long time. I wasn't bothered when I lost the title to John Cena after dominating most of the match- JBL did exactly the same thing and he's still more over than most of the roster. I'm not bothered when you say I make stupid faces during my promos; I do it on purpose because I know it annoys you. I'm wasn't bothered when you and all of your internet friends were on my back after I botched catching R-Truth on that episode of RAW, that was pretty funny to me, and since when did you all start giving a fuck about R-Truth anyway? I'm not bothered when you all call me effeminate either; I'm not, but I'll have you know that I'm one of the most manly men you can possibly meet. After my pedicure today I hit the gym for like three hours just lifting weights, then I went home and killed a bear.



OK, I didn't kill a bear.

But I'm not effeminate, fucker.

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I'd like to tell you that my current nonchalant attitude towards you and all my detractors is down to some xen like eye opening experience I've recently erm, experienced. I'd like to tell you that I've somehow found inner piece and that my chi is perfectly balanced. I'd like to tell you that my journey of self discovery culminated in me discovering the ability to become a master of my emotions and not let anything bad that happens to me in life affect my focus. Truth is, none of that shit happened to me, in fact it's much simpler than any of that hippie nonsense. You see, when you're tapping a chick like this:


 photo Maryse-Photoshoot-Flashback-maryse-ouellet-30314880-456-352.jpg


Nothing much in life can really get you down. You think I'm smug and smarmy? Wouldn't you be if you could honestly say to all of your detractors “yeah, but I'm banging Maryse”? Try it for yourself and see if you come out with an attitude similar to mine:

Detractor: You're late with your MCS report on financial growth within the sector.

You: Yeah, but I'm banging Maryse.

Detractor: You missed another mortgage payment.

You: Yeah, but I'm banging Maryse.

Detractor: You're under arrest for driving whilst under the influence of alcohol.

You: Yeah, but I'm banging Maryse.

Detractor: It doesn't matter how many times you beg, we're not doing any of those things you watch on Pornhub.

You: Yeah, but I'm banging Maryse.

You see? I'd love to care about all the shit you and your pals level at me, but while you all sit there jerking it to lesbian porn, I'm hitting Maryse on a regular basis, so I don't. So next time you see me after I've fucked up for the 1,378th time and you're wondering how I can still look like this:


 photo MV5BMjE2NDMzMDUxMV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNjE1Nzk5Mw_V1_SX214_CR00214314_.jpg


Well now you know why.


The Miz.

PS: That's, "The Miz" not, "Mr Mizanin" to you, prick.



Damn, what an ass.




...Anyone got the download link for that Maryse picture?

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